by Alicia Ryan
“But I’m only in second place anymore,” Darren said. “I’m not what she wants. At least not all she wants.”
“Then I guess that puts me in third. Not exactly what I was hoping for.”
“So now none of us have what we were hoping for.”
“I would’ve thought you did. You have her all to yourself.”
“But she wants more than I can give her. And I want to give her whatever she wants. I want her to be happy...to be loved.”
Phillip didn’t ask the first question that came to his lips, realizing Darren had already implied the answer. He didn’t love Roxanna.
But Darren wasn’t finished. “What you don’t see is that she needs us both. Without me, a part of her will forever be locked against you. You’ll never have all of her.”
Phillip let out a hard breath. “But you will?”
“What Roxanna and I have is elemental. It’s based on hunger and a need so deep I can’t describe it. But I can only give her pleasure and pain and darkness. And she deserves more. She is more. Without me, she won’t show you her darker side. But without you...Well, I’d like to see her as she is in the light. We,” he said, stepping closer, “you and I, have effectively torn her apart, but I want to know all of her.”
“Tell me,” Phillip asked, “what is it between you two?”
Darren shook his head. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“She said much the same thing. Just how complicated can it be?”
He was surprised to see Darren fighting back a smile.
“More than you can imagine,” he said. “But you see that you don’t yet know her—not all of her. But you could.”
“If I come with you.”
“Yes. You just have to step inside the circle, Branham.”
“But can I ever step out again?”
Darren’s silence was deafening. But, finally, he spoke. “Roxanna and I can’t change you, Phillip—unless you allow yourself to be changed. I think you are the good man she believes you to be. And it’s clear you love her. What are you afraid of? That tomorrow you’ll love her less? Or you’ll somehow be less of a good man?”
“Yes, exactly. What you’re talking about is wrong. It’s...perverse.”
“Perversity being firmly in the eye of the beholder. Didn’t you think all of Roxanna’s songs perverse not so long ago?”
“That’s different.”
“Not really.”
“At least they’re...well, in the natural order of things.”
Darren chuckled. “You do have me there. I’m not exactly in the natural order of things.”
“Is that what’s happened? You’ve somehow turned her desires into something corrupt? Some sort of unnatural obsession?”
“She and I met each other fully in possession of our own unnatural obsessions. We haven’t done anything but fulfill them together.”
“Why is everything with you two always a riddle?” he asked, feeling petulant.
“Because we have secrets. I am under the impression you know one of hers, but you don’t know everything.”
“I would like to,” Phillip said, halting over each word.
“Then come with us.”
He shook his head. “He who lifts his heart too high must be content to pine and die.”
“Edward Dyre?” Darren said with a grunt. “He’s medieval and as despondent a poet as ever set pen to paper. Even his name is depressing.”
“That doesn’t make it less true.”
“Ah, yes, but even Dyre spoke of the joy of Icarus. For once in your life, Phillip, follow the flame.”
“Darren?” Roxanna called out from the doorway. “Am I interrupting?”
Darren looked to Phillip for a response, but when none was forthcoming, he shook his head and went to her.
“At least think about what I’ve said,” he urged, turning back for one last attempt.
Phillip nodded but didn’t move. “I need time. You...” He looked over to Roxanna. “You want too much.”
She just nodded and backed out through the door with Darren following behind.
Chapter Twenty
The carriage ride over to Darren’s was silent. Roxanna sat across from him but found herself not ready to meet his gaze. When she did look up, Darren lifted the curtain and spent the rest of the trip looking out the window at the passing scenery.
Back in his study, again, neither of them seemed to know what to say.
“I’m sorry,” Darren finally said.
“Me, too, I suppose.” She looked up at him. “Please don’t take that the wrong way. I will miss him, but finding you...has been more than I’d ever hoped for. And certainly more than I’d ever imagined.”
“I know I don’t bring any normalcy to your life.”
She moved into his arms and laced her fingers at the back of his neck. “My life hasn’t exactly been filled with normalcy. It hasn’t been filled with much of anything. Now I have you.”
“But I’ve cut you off from a man who loves you very much.”
She sighed. “I’m not convinced of that. It’s not like he has much experience on the subject.”
“Neither do I.”
“Well, perhaps we’re all in the same boat.” She looked over his shoulder. “I had something I thought was love once, but it didn’t last—and it pales in comparison to...now.”
He noticed she didn’t say him specifically. “Will I ever be enough, Roxanna?”
“You say you can’t love me.”
He didn’t want to have to respond, so he was grateful when she continued.
“But you want me to love you.”
That started an ache somewhere inside him. It was true. He wanted everything—all she had to give. “I’m incredibly selfish.”
For some reason, that made her smile. “The vampire who wants to be loved,” she said. “That’s cute. Is it very common?”
He thought for a moment. “Not common in the least as far as I know. Though I’ll admit my knowledge of other vampires is limited.”
“Why is that?” she asked.
“We can’t hunt in packs, so we don’t tend to congregate.”
She turned up her nose. “That’s kind of disturbing.”
“That’s what I am. You can’t forget that. It won’t go away. Every time I drink from you, it gives me life. You don’t need that from me.”
“No. I was rather craving a cheeseburger earlier. But I can’t have mind-blowing sex with a cheeseburger, now can I?”
He grinned. “At least I can give you that.”
“There’s nothing ‘at least’ about it.”
“Nor for me. You are special to me, and not just because I don’t cause you pain. Though I do like how you can share what I feel.”
She seemed to ponder that for a moment. “Maybe more than you realize.”
His response was interrupted by a knock at the door, and he heard Roxanna’s heartbeat quicken as she stepped back.
“Let me,” he said, striding from the room.
He wasn’t surprised to see Phillip standing there. It was the look on his face that took him aback. All consternation had disappeared; he shone with eagerness and determination.
Darren crooked a brow at him.
“I’m not my father,” he said. “And you’re right—Icarus died a happy man. And she makes me happy. As long as she wants me, I’m not letting go.”
Stepping back to let him enter, Darren felt both relief and bitterness and was a bit surprised at both. True, he didn’t like to share, but he also sensed there was something to be gained by this new presence in his life.
When he showed Phillip into the study, he saw some of the boy’s confidence fail him. He seemed not to know what to say to Roxanna.
“I think we could all do with a stiff drink,” Darren said, pouring and handing the first glass to Phillip, who downed it in two large gulps. Darren raised a brow and refilled the glass before pouring for Roxanna.
Phillip was too pre-occup
ied to notice Darren didn’t take one for himself. He’d taken a seat in the nearest chair, and Darren went to lean in his now-familiar position against the desk, leaving Roxanna standing between them. She took off her cloak, revealing the filmy white gown she had worn for the show. Darren took her cloak and hung it over the chair in the corner of the room. He dropped his own overcoat on top of it. Phillip didn’t stir to remove his.
“I bought you a present this afternoon,” Darren said, turning to Roxanna.
She smiled. “Really?” Looked like it wouldn’t be a present-less Christmas, after all, she thought.
He went over and picked up a small box from his desk. She assumed it contained a necklace and was about to accuse him of being too generous when he opened the lid and showed her what was inside. Her gift was a knife—thin, about as long as a dinner knife, with two sharp edges and a gold filigree pattern on the handle.
She stared at it, and Phillip got up to come see what it was.
“Good Lord, man,” he said. “Who gives a woman a thing like that? How’d you even find it? It looks like a lady’s throwing knife.”
“I had it made. For Roxanna. And it’s not for throwing.”
Phillip turned to study her face as she reached forward and gingerly lifted it from the box. It gleamed in the low lamplight, and she felt tears begin to threaten. She’d never received a gift so...intimate, so...respectful.
“Do you like it?” Darren asked.
“I love it.” It came out in a rush as she remembered once more to breathe.
“It’s yours, but I hope you’ll leave it here.”
She nodded, still holding it in front of her, and then she looked up at him with a question in her eyes. “A taste?” she asked.
Darren put the box down on the desk. She handed him the blade and turned her back to him, lifting her curtain of hair over one shoulder.
Phillip moved back two steps as Darren ran one finger in a line down her neck. It was just a few inches, and she nodded.
He raised the blade and made the cut in one smooth motion—slow but shallow. She and Phillip gasped at the same time. Then Darren put his tongue at the bottom of the cut and dragged it slowly to the top. She felt him tremble as his arm came around to hold her still.
She let out a slow breath. “That was sublime,” she whispered.
“I’m glad you liked it.”
He reached around her to prick his finger with the knife’s tip. When he raised it to her lips, she sucked it into her mouth, and it was her turn to tremble. Just a drop was all she tasted, but it sent quivers of pleasure straight to the heart of her, washing over the receding pain from the cut.
“Would you please put the knife down and tell me what’s going on?” Phillip asked.
Darren released her and did as requested, returning the knife to its little box. “Roxanna and I have unusual tastes, Phillip. That’s why she won’t leave me for you. She likes pain with her pleasure.”
Phillip’s wide eyes met hers. “You...you enjoy having him cut you?”
“Cut me, bite me...” She nodded. “Yes. And he enjoys the taste of blood. So you can see why we’re something of a matched set.”
Phillip backed up again and sank down into his chair, staring at them like they were harbingers of the apocalypse. “I...I can’t be a part of this, Roxanna. I’m sorry. I can’t watch him hurt you.”
“Do you remember the cuts on my leg?”
He stared at her for a moment. “Oh, no,” he said. “Did he put those there?”
“No. I put them there. I’ve been cutting myself for years.”
“But why?” He shook his head. “I don’t understand.”
She shrugged. “Why do people do anything? Because I need it. I need it to feel normal. To feel safe.”
“That’s not right. You shouldn’t hurt yourself.”
“But don’t you see? It’s past that point. Pain is its own brand of pleasure for me now. Mixing the two was just the next natural step.”
He shook his head. “Why me?” he asked suddenly. “Why make love to me if this is what you wanted? If he’s what you want?”
“She doesn’t need pain to experience pleasure, Phillip,” Darren offered. “There’s nothing wrong with her.”
“So you...” Phillip looked at Roxanna. “You get pleasure from what we do?”
She smiled. “How can you think otherwise?”
“I’ve had quite a shock,” he said drily. “I’m not sure I’m thinking at all.”
“There’s more,” Darren said. “I know she hasn’t told you, but I can’t pleasure her in the normal way a man would pleasure a woman. I’m...unable...to do that for her.”
Roxanna looked back at him. “I never said I found you wanting.”
“You didn’t have to.”
Phillip snorted. “So all you can do is cut her? Now I don’t understand what she sees in you at all.” He looked at Roxanna. “Why not just have me cut you, if that’s what you want?”
She shook her head. “You don’t understand the way Darren does. And you wouldn’t like it. I’d never want you to put yourself through that for me. It would hurt you more than it would hurt me, as the saying goes. I wouldn’t force that on you.”
“I don’t understand any of this.”
“Just accept the fact that you are going to be in for a night of things you don’t understand, Branham. I’m already tired of hearing you say it. Open your mind and accept that things are not as simple as you’ve always thought.”
“Nothing has been simple since I met her.”
Darren laughed at that. “I could say the same.”
Roxanna put her glass down on Darren’s desk and turned to face them both. “I don’t think this is going to work. It was probably a foolish idea in the first place.” She looked at Phillip. “I don’t want you to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. You’re right that this is all very strange.”
“Phillip,” Darren said, “do you still want Roxanna after what you’ve seen?”
Phillip’s brows rose. “I...” He lowered his voice. “Of course, I do.”
“Then come upstairs. Between us, we can give her as much pleasure as is humanly possible.”
Roxanna wanted to joke that he was using the term ‘human’ loosely, but it seemed like Phillip was already on a razor’s edge. The shocks were going to have to come slow and steady, not rapid fire.
To her great surprise, Phillip rose from his chair and put his glass back on the sideboard. “Lead on,” he said, gesturing toward the door.
Roxanna followed Darren, while Phillip trailed behind her. She was still tingling from her earlier sip of Darren’s blood, but even so, she still felt nervous. She couldn’t imagine how Phillip must feel. Darren, on the other hand, seemed oddly at ease. She wondered if that was just the benefit of having lived for centuries. It probably did come with a certain aplomb.
Darren stopped outside the door to his room and turned to look over her head at Phillip. “Would you be more comfortable if we used one of the guest rooms?” he asked.
Phillip shook his head. “I don’t know of anything that will make me more comfortable with this. Wherever you want is fine.”
Darren shrugged and led them into his room. Here there was a fire lit in the small fireplace across from the bed, and a single lamp glowed over on a table by the one window.
“Why don’t you at least take your coat off, Branham,” Darren teased when they were all inside.
Phillip actually smiled. “I suppose that’s the least that will be required.” He removed the offending garment and laid it across the seat at the dressing table. Then his topcoat and waistcoat followed.
Roxanna was still the nearest to naked of the three of them. She went to Phillip, took his hands in hers and pulled him over to the window. The curtains were drawn, of course, but Phillip fairly glowed in the lamplight. Everything about him shone, and Roxanna wondered again if she was doing the right thing. Or would she just destroy the thing she loved?
She put one hand gently along the side of his face and leaned up to whisper in his ear. “Do you still love me?”
He laughed, and it was tender and wry at the same time. He kissed her on the forehead. “I still love you, Roxanna. I think I have from the first moment I heard you sing.”
Her eyes widened, and she leaned back to look at him.
“I was never pretending.”
She shook her head. “I...I wasn’t sure.”
“I can see why you never said it back,” he said. “You may never say it, but I appreciate that you wouldn’t say it while keeping a part of yourself hidden from me. And I don’t want you to feel you have to do that. I love you, and I’ll listen to whatever you want to tell me. I’ll do whatever it is you want me to do.”
“Branham, you may have more guts than I gave you credit for,” Darren interjected.
Roxanna realized she should have known whispering wouldn’t give them any privacy in front of Darren. Not if his sense of hearing was as keen as his sense of smell. She looked over at him, noting that he’d removed his coat and shirt and was leaning against the dressing table turning her knife over in his hands.
“I think you should call me Phillip, given the circumstances.”
Darren laughed.
“Darren, bring that over here, would you?” she asked.
His eyes darkened as he crossed the room toward her, coming to stand behind her as he had in the study. She pulled her hair aside and angled her throat, but put her hands to Phillip’s chest. He brought his to her waist and looked into her eyes.
She held Phillip’s gaze while Darren re-opened the cut he’d made moments earlier. She had to force herself not to close her eyes into the sensation, but she merely sucked in her breath and then moaned as Darren slid his tongue over her again, closing the wound.
Darren pricked his finger again, but instead of giving it to her, he slid it over the path of the cut.
“Lick it off,” he said to Phillip.
Phillip looked at her neck and then back at her.
She nodded.
He took a step closer and did as she asked, mimicking Darren’s slow stroke. He breathed heavily against her at the end of it. “Oh,” he said. “That was...unexpected.”
She heard Darren chuckle, but she brought Phillip’s face around for a deep kiss. He broke away to pull his shirt over his head, and she let her hands rove over him when he bent to kiss her again.
