by Sandi Lynn
“What the fuck are you so afraid of? We’ve had a connection from day one and you can’t deny that.”
“It’s casual sex, Liam.”
“Stop with the casual sex bullshit, Avery.” He raised his voice. “What’s happening between us is more than that and you know it. Why do you keep trying to push me away?”
By this time, the tears were streaming down my face. He walked over and stood in front of me, wiping them away as he held my face in his hands.
“I’m in love with you, baby. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s the truth and I’m not sorry for saying it.”
My heart was in my throat, making it impossible to breathe.
“Please tell me why you keep fighting this.”
The fear that had built up inside of me unleashed itself and I couldn’t control it, so I pushed away from him.
“You’ll leave. Just like all the others. Everything is great now, but eventually, you’ll get sick of me and you’ll leave. If I allow myself to be with you, I will be the one who will be destroyed when it’s over and I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen.”
“What are you talking about? I’m not going to destroy you.” He began to walk towards me and I immediately put up my hand to stop him.
“You will. Why me, Liam? You can have any girl in the world. You’ve been with a countless number of women. Why me?”
“Okay, you really need to stop saying that. I don’t want any girl in the world. I only want the one that stole my heart and took my breath away, and she’s standing right in front of me. Why the fuck is that so hard for you to believe?” He put his hands in his pockets and turned away. I swore I saw his eyes fill with tears.
“Because they never stay. Just when things are going good and a level of comfort settles in, they bolt. Filling my head with bullshit about how it’s them and not me. I lost my virginity to a guy who said he loved me and then turned around a week later and said we should see other people. I trusted too much and I can’t trust anymore. My heart can’t take it. I can’t take it. I have a lot of insecurities that led me to this point. Can’t you see this?” I waved my hand up and down in front of me.
“You mean your wall? I’ve heard about your wall, Avery, and to me, it’s utter bullshit.”
“It’s not bullshit. It’s protecting me,” I yelled.
“Protecting you from what? Life? What are you going to do? Be alone for the rest of your life because you’re too afraid of getting hurt?”
“Yes.”
“Jesus Christ, Avery. You cannot stand there and tell me this weekend meant nothing to you. You cannot tell me that every time we make love, it doesn’t mean anything. You and I both know there’s a deep connection. I feel it every time I’m inside you. I feel it when I’m with you and when I’m not with you. I feel it all the fucking time! I’m so in love with you.”
I placed my hands over my ears. “Stop saying that. You only think you’re in love with me until the next girl walks into your life.”
He placed his hands on his head and paced around the living room. “There isn’t going to be another girl. You’re the only girl in this world for me. I’m not like the other guys. You should know that by now.”
I looked down in sadness. He was right. He wasn’t like the other guys, but the fear of being hurt was greater.
****
Liam
The pain in my heart as I stood there and listened to her was something I’d never felt before. It was the kind of pain that Avery was so scared of. I wasn’t getting through to her and it was killing me. Seeing her hurting and pushing me away was heartbreaking. I wanted to hold her and press her head against my chest, telling her how much I loved her, but she didn’t want to hear it.
“You went looking for love because of your father issues. Unfortunately, you found the wrong kind of love each time. I’m never going to hurt you, Avery.” I walked over to her and lifted her chin with my finger so her teary eyes were staring into mine. “I love you, Avery Lewis, and no matter what you say or do, I will always love you. If you want to push me away, I’ll still love you. If you tell me you hate me, I’ll still love you. If you never want to see me again, I’ll still love you. You have made yourself a permanent part of my heart and soul and nothing will ever change that.”
She began to sob as she placed her fists on my chest and held them there for a moment. “Please go, Liam,” she whispered as she turned away from me.
This was a losing battle. She wasn’t going to give in to her fears for anything. The best thing I could do for her was to walk away like she asked.
“Fine. I’m going. Maybe I was mistaken and you really don’t have feelings for me. I hope you find what you’re looking for someday, Avery, and no matter what, I’ll still love you. I will always love you.” I kissed the top of her head, and with tears in my eyes, I walked out the door.
Chapter 35
Avery
I ran to my bedroom and threw myself on the bed, curled up in a fetal position, and cried like I never cried before. My body hurt. Everything from head to toe hurt. I didn’t understand what this was and why I was feeling it. This weekend had been incredible. One of the best weekends of my life. When I was with him, I was me. I wasn’t me with a wall. As long as he didn’t say anything hinting towards a relationship or life together, I could be me. But as soon as he did, the wall shot up, my defenses rose, and I became a different person. In my mind, it was better to handle the pain now than a year or two down the road. I closed my eyes and slept the rest of the night.
I could barely open my eyes. They were crusted shut as I stumbled to the bathroom. Between all the crying last night and the mascara, my eyes didn’t stand a chance. Turning on the warm water, I reached for a washcloth and gently patted my eyes until I could fully open them. I felt sick to my stomach and debated whether or not to call Tim and tell him that I was sick and not coming in to work. But maybe work would be the best place for me today. I needed the distraction to get my mind off of Liam.
After showering, I reached in my purse for my phone. I had two missed calls and a voice message from Willow, a text message from Claudia, and a text message from a number I didn’t recognize. I swallowed hard as I read it.
“Avery, it’s John. I know you don’t want to talk, but I think we should. I think there are some things you want to say to me and I don’t blame you. Call me or text me back. I want to get to know you, Avery. I know it’s a little late for me to be saying that, but it’s the truth.”
My world felt like it was closing in on me. First Liam and now John. I threw my phone on the bed and continued getting ready for work. As I was straightening my hair, my phone rang. It was Ella.
“Hello.”
“Oh thank God you picked up. Your case for Brady vs. Callahan got moved up to this morning at nine o’clock.”
“WHAT?!” I practically screamed into the phone. “We aren’t ready. The court date was set for next week.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Something about the judge moving all the cases up because he wants to go on vacation next week. You have to go directly to the courthouse. Joel is stopping by the firm now to pick up the case files. He said he’ll meet you there.”
“Shit. Thanks, Ella. I’ll see you later.”
This was not good and it was the last thing I needed. I hurried and put on my black pencil skirt with the short, button-down jacket. I slipped my feet into my black heels, grabbed my bag, and headed out the door. I needed coffee and I needed it bad. I wasn’t going to get through this if I didn’t stop and get a cup.
Standing in line at the Starbucks down the street, and six people later, I finally ordered a venti Americano with a triple shot of espresso and a pump of hazelnut. As I pulled my wallet from my purse, I heard a voice to the side of me.
“This one’s on me,” Oliver spoke.
I swallowed hard as I looked at him. I expected to see anger in his eyes because I was sure that Liam told him everything last night. But
the only thing I saw was empathy.
“Thanks, Oliver, but you don’t need to do that.”
“I know I don’t, but I want to. You’re my lawyer and you’ve saved me millions of dollars and the least I could do is buy you a coffee.”
I looked at my watch again in a panic. “Thank you again, I have to go. I’m going to be late for court.”
“I’m heading to my office and we pass the courthouse on the way. Come with me and I’ll have Scott drop you off.”
“Really?” I bit down on my bottom lip.
“Of course.” He held out his hand, motioning me to go first.
I slid into the back of his limo and said good morning to Scott. Taking a sip of my coffee, I noted that Oliver was watching me.
“How’s Delilah feeling?” I asked.
“Much better. Except for the morning sickness.” He smiled. “So tell me how your weekend on the boat went.”
Was he serious? Maybe he didn’t talk to Liam and he didn’t know what happened.
“Haven’t you talked to your brother?” I asked.
“No. I tried to call him last night, but it kept going to voicemail. Was he with you?”
“No. He dropped me off and left. I haven’t talked to him since.”
“Are you okay?” He asked with concern.
“Actually, no, I’m not. I just found out that my court case was moved to this morning and I’m not ready, so I’m really stressed out right now.”
“Prepared or unprepared, you’ll do great.” He smiled.
Scott pulled up to the courthouse and I let out a sigh of relief. As Oliver opened the door, I slid out with the help of his hand.
“Avery, is there something wrong? Did something happen between you and my brother?”
“You’ll just have to talk to him, Oliver. Thanks for the ride.” I turned on my heels and started my ascent up the stairs of the courthouse.
****
Liam
I didn’t shave this morning and I didn’t care. I sat at my desk, still feeling the pain of what happened yesterday. Oliver walked in my office.
“You’re alive.”
“What?” I frowned.
“I kept trying to call you last night, but it went straight to voicemail.” He glared at me as he walked across the office and sat down in the chair facing my desk.
“It was dead and I forgot to charge it when I got home.” I looked down at the papers I was trying to concentrate on.
His eyes narrowed as he studied me. “I saw Avery this morning.”
I quickly looked up at him. “Where?”
“What happened between the two of you?”
“Where did you see her?”
“At Starbucks. I bought her coffee and then gave her a ride to the courthouse because she was running late. I asked her how the weekend was and she ignored me. She told me that I needed to talk to you.”
I sighed as I leaned back in my chair. “We won’t be seeing each other anymore. She freaked out when I told her I wanted to be with her.” I paused. “And she freaked out even more when I told her I was in love with her. I tried talking to her, bro, but she wants nothing to do with any type of relationship. She’s completely happy with just having a casual sex relationship.”
“I see.” He folded his hands and brought them up to his chin. “I’m sorry, Liam. I know how much you love her. Give her some time. She’ll come around and change her mind. I know she’s in love with you. I can see it. She just needs some time to take that next step, especially if she’s been hurt in the past.”
“Yeah, whatever, Oliver. Listen, I don’t want to talk about her anymore. I’m trying my hardest to put her out of my mind.”
“I understand. I’ll be in my office if you need me.”
He gave me a sympathetic smile and walked out the door. There was nothing that I could do that was going to keep her off my mind. Her scent still lingered on me and her smile was etched so far into my brain that it was all I saw every minute of every day.
Chapter 36
Avery
I let out a breath as I stepped out of the courtroom, Joel following behind.
“Jesus, Avery, you were on fire in there. For us not being prepared, you really gave it to Callahan and his attorney. At one point, I thought the judge was going to hold you in contempt.”
“Thanks, Joel.” I gave a small smile.
The truth was I was pissed as hell and it was easy to take it out on the opposing client. Joel softly touched my arm.
“I’m going to grab something to eat with my wife. Would you like to join us?”
“Thanks, Joel, but I’m not very hungry. I’m just going to head to the office. I’ll see you later. Enjoy your lunch.”
“Okay.” He smiled as he walked away.
Pulling my phone from my purse, I stiffened when I heard a voice behind me.
“You sure know how to make everyone listen to you in a courtroom.”
My heart started to pound.
“Did you get my text message?”
I slowly turned around and took in a sharp inhale. “Yes. I haven’t had a chance to reply. What are you doing here, John?”
“I was in the building and I saw you walk into the courtroom, so I took a seat in the back. Seeing you in action at the law firm is one thing, but seeing you in action in the courtroom is remarkable. I’m very proud of you.”
“Save it, John. I don’t need your approval.” I walked away and he followed me.
“Whether you need it or not, I’m giving it to you. Come to my home tonight for dinner.”
“No.” I pushed the button to the elevator.
“Why?”
“You know why. I have no interest in getting to know you. That ship sailed a long time ago.”
“I’m your father, Avery.”
I looked at him with rage and anger streaming across my face. “Just because we have the same blood running through us doesn’t make you my father. A father is someone who’s there for his children. To guide them through the ups and downs, to celebrate every milestone of their life and to love them unconditionally, whether they were planned or not. You failed, John.”
“You’re right, I did, and I’m sorry.”
The elevator doors opened and I stepped inside. “It’s too late for apologies.” The doors shut and I was no longer in the presence of John Carrington.
****
Over the next several days, the only thing I did was exist. I found another gym to work out in so I didn’t have to see Liam, and I threw myself into my work to the point where I wasn’t getting home until eleven o’clock at night. Claudia and Lisa knew something was wrong. They could hear it in my voice, and even though I kept insisting I was fine, they didn’t believe me. Being in New York really took its toll on me.
It was eleven o’clock when I stepped inside the doors of my apartment building. I was startled when I saw Oliver Wyatt sitting in the lobby chair.
“Oliver, what are you doing here?”
“Waiting for you. You sure keep late hours, Miss Lewis.” He grinned.
“Trying to keep myself busy.”
“I can relate to that. Listen, I need to talk to you.”
“Now? Oliver, it’s late and I’m really tired.”
“Now, Avery. You can bill me hours for this talk we’re going to have.”
“Fine. Come on.” We walked to the elevator.
Stepping inside my apartment, Oliver shut the door behind him.
“Can I offer you something to drink? Water, coffee, wine?”
He raised his hand. “I’m fine. Thank you.”
“If you’re here to talk about Liam, don’t.”
“I’m actually here to talk about me.”
I shot him a confused look.
“Let’s go sit down. You’ll be more comfortable. You look like you’re about to fall over.”
I took a seat on the couch and Oliver sat down next to me. “Does Liam know you’re here?”
“No, and I thi
nk it’s best that he never finds out. Listen, I spent twelve years of my life using women for sex because I couldn’t commit to a relationship. The minute they mentioned the word, I was out. You and I are more alike than you know, Avery.”
“What about Sophie’s mother?”
“Liam didn’t tell you?”
“No, he just told me that she passed away and that’s when Sophie came to live with you full-time.”
He looked down and I got the feeling he was about to tell me something bad.
“I never wanted kids or a relationship and Sophie’s mother knew that. She tricked me and got pregnant on purpose. I am ashamed to admit that I wanted nothing to do with my daughter from the time she was conceived until the time she came to live with me. I never even met her until she was three years old when her mother showed up on my doorstep with her and then took off for hours, leaving her behind.”
I couldn’t help but to glare at him. He was exactly like John. Now I understood why Liam never told me.
“Sophie’s mother was a drug addict and needed money. I wrote her a check and saw Sophie on her birthday and holidays. Mainly Christmas. She barely knew who I was and when Elaine, her mother, passed away, she was sent to live with me.”
“Let me guess. You weren’t happy about that.”
“Not really, but she was an innocent child and she needed me. She had a lot of behavioral problems at first, and then I met Delilah.” A grin graced his face. “She changed my and Sophie’s world. For the first time in my life, I was in love and no matter how hard I tried to fight it, I couldn’t.”
“Why are you telling me all this, Oliver?”
“Because. When I was eighteen years old, I thought I had found the love of my life. I was going to propose to her and then I found her cheating on me. It destroyed me and turned my heart into stone. The pain I felt was unbearable and I swore that I would never allow myself to experience that kind of pain again. So I didn’t. I kept busy, worked very long hours, met all kinds of different women, had casual sex, and thought that was just how my life was going to continue. Come to find out, after meeting Delilah, I never really knew what love was. I was more hurt by the rejection.”
