by Rock, J. K.
I smiled back weakly and followed her, trying not to notice the Smurfette-patterned thong peeking over her lime-green biker shorts.
“Not that anyone trashed you—I eavesdropped all afternoon, so you’ve got nothing to worry about. Trust me.”
I stepped over clothes spilling from suitcases, wet towels, and open bottles of bug repellent and sunscreen. The place was a wreck and way beyond regulation. Had Emily stayed behind to clean it up? As a first-year counselor, Gollum would be watching her every move.
But instead of picking up the mess, she flung herself on a lower bunk and thumbed through a purple journal with an astrological sign on the cover—Trinity’s, by the look of it. I wondered if my new-age roommate’s Tarot cards had predicted that a lunatic would expose her deepest secrets.
I grabbed for the journal, but Emily snapped it shut and held it behind her back. “Hello—this is private. Looks like I need to teach you guys about a little word I like to call respect.”
My throat tightened around a surprised gasp. Was she for real?
She sat up and untangled her hair clip from the top bunk’s wire springs. “Your friends were worried about what took you so long, and why some guy named Seth hadn’t stopped by.” She freed the clip, which now perched sideways in her frizzy updo. “So who is this guy—a stalker? Crazed ex? Your true love? You can tell me anything.” She held up crossed fingers.
“Um. I’d kind of like to get to the bonfire.” I looked away and noticed a jumbo bag of caramel-flavored Bugles—definitely contraband material now that the camp had made a health-food push. I nudged it behind a blue recycle bin, my social activist friend Piper’s version of luggage, as I headed toward the door
“They’re just starting. We have time,” Emily insisted even as I retreated. “Another counselor’s covering for me so I could be here when you arrived.” She picked up some wet towels and hooked them on bunk corners to dry. “Give me a sec and we’ll head down together.” She babbled on even as I waved through the screen door.
“Sorry. But I have to see someone!” I ignored her call to come back, knowing I was breaking regulations but not caring. Jogging through the camp, I hoped the evening air would clear my head. In the distance, I could hear singing, so the bonfire must have started. Was it too late to get a moment with Seth alone?
At the bonfire, junior, intermediate, and senior campers squirmed for more room on the circled logs. Many wore their green camp shirts, the white lettering and logo reflecting the fire’s red and yellow glow.
“B-I-N-G-O” they sang as I peered from the shadows. My eyes lit on Siobhan, Alex, and a few of my other cabin mates. They swayed to the music, laughing when Alex added an impromptu howl at the end of every chorus. I wanted to join the goofy fun I’d missed for months, but knew this would be my only window of time to seek out Seth.
Most of the guys lounged on the logs nearest the blaze. One of Matt’s new bunkmates was holding Matt’s hand to the fire—a macho rite of passage they performed when the counselors weren’t looking. They cheered as Matt gritted his teeth and darted his fingers in and out of flames. He blew on them like birthday candles, then fist-bumped his new buds as Hannah and her vapid followers from the “Divas’ Den” cabin applauded. Yep. Fifteen minutes after arriving, Matt was already on the popularity fast track. Thankfully, he hadn’t seen me.
But where was Seth? His friends sat quietly on another log, unusual for the boisterous nerd herd. I caught the eye of one of the guys from his cabin, but he pulled up the hood of his sweatshirt and looked away. My heart sank. Seth must have told them about our split, receiving all he needed to know from my email. If this was their reaction, what could I expect from Seth?
He must be so hurt. If only I could tell him that I was, too.
A loon trilled in the sudden quiet when the camp song ended. Suddenly I knew where to find Seth. I swerved down the beach path and broke into a dead run until I skidded onto the narrow strip of gritty sand. Seth sat at the end of the dock, the site of our first kiss, his head bent over the dark waters below. The rising moon shimmered on the wake left by a pair of swimming loons. The rare birds stopped me in my tracks. I’d only seen their black-spotted backs once before, the year Seth finally became my boyfriend. Was it a sign? My eyes drank in the faint twinkling of the North Star and hoped so.
Seth was the one who’d taught me about loons and everything else that I knew about nature aside from the stars. I still couldn’t believe I was here but not with him. Last year, it seemed as much a given as Venus’s bright light in the western sky.
I padded quietly along the wooden planks and stopped behind him. Across the lake, juniper trees swayed in a light summer wind that ruffled Seth’s curls. My nails dug half-moons in my palms as I forced myself not to smooth the wayward strands that made him look more California surfer than science geek.
“So who’s the guy?” Seth spoke without turning, his voice deeper and shoulders broader than I remembered.
So much for breaking the news to Seth first. Secrets at camp had the lifespan of fruit flies. Damn it, damn it. I should have sent him a longer email.
I rubbed my palms on my shorts, wishing he’d look up at me, give me a sign we’d get through this. “His name’s Matt. We dated in Texas and—”
“You wanted to be together for the summer,” he finished for me, his voice breaking. “I get it. But how could you bring him to camp? We grew up here together. Had our first kiss here.”
I sat beside him and matched my swinging sandals to the rhythm his swim shoes beat in the humid air. A chorus of “You Are My Sunshine” drifted on the breeze behind us. My heart squeezed. I’d been waiting for this moment for so long—to be back with Seth, sitting on the dock, just like this. Except everything felt wrong.
“I didn’t plan to bring him. Matt and I aren’t close that way. I was going to break up with him, but—”
Seth’s wounded gaze lifted to mine, his expression puzzled. “So why didn’t you?”
The loons took flight at his abrupt question. I followed their path, wishing I could flee these treacherous waters too.
“Because he needed me. I can’t explain because it’s private, but…” I buried my head in my hands. “God, this is a mess.”
Seth’s warm arm wrapped around me. Instantly my body longed to snuggle against him, loving the familiar feel of his hard body against mine.
“I’ve been thinking about you—and this summer—all year. Catching tadpoles, rafting, watching meteor showers together. I never imagined you bringing someone else.”
I dropped my head to his shoulder. Doing anything else would have been like reversing the flow of gravity.
“We can’t be together until I settle things with Matt.”
Seth withdrew his arm, picked a small rock off a pile, and side-armed it across the water. We were silent for a moment, watching the stone skim the surface.
He exhaled when it disappeared beneath the dark water. “It’s the way it has to be. I wish things were different, but I don’t blame you.”
I ground my teeth. How could he be so understanding? He had to be hurting. Was it wrong to wish he’d show it a little?
“I messed everything up.” My eyes burned with frustration at all the ways my life was falling apart. And Seth was a big part of that.
“Lauren.” Seth brushed a knuckle under my chin and tipped my face up to his. “Don’t cry.”
My heartbeat went wild, the moment echoing so many times he’d kissed me. I took in the slight growth of facial hair that gave his angular face a new, sexy look. And yes, in spite of everything, I wanted him to kiss me.
“I didn’t know what to do.” I hoped he heard my unspoken question. That I needed help figuring my way out of this mess.
That I still cared for him as much as ever.
“You did what you thought was right.” He dropped his hand and squinted at the opposite shore. “You always do.”
We had so much in common…especially that. But right now I wi
shed he’d be more selfish. Not so damn accepting of it. I mean, I was glad he was Mr. Compassion and all, but it felt like he was letting go without a fight. And part of me wanted him to care enough to stand up for us. Our relationship.
“It’s not what I want,” I argued, waving away a gnat flying around my forehead. “You are. Matt needs me right now to work through…something. But once he’s okay…”
Seth was silent for a long moment and it took all my willpower not to wrap my arms around him, nuzzle his neck and kiss the thin white scar on his chin that I knew had come from a wrestling match two years ago. But we were only friends now. Emptiness rose inside me as I sat beside Seth. We couldn’t have been closer, or further away.
“Don’t count on the future, Lauren. It never turns out the way you hope.” He turned shrouded eyes on me again. I flinched, knowing he spoke from experience. When he was four, his mother dropped him at daycare and never returned. He’d waited for hours until his dad picked him up and told him that she’d left them for good.
“And that’s it?” The words were torn from the deepest part of me, my voice ragged. No arguments to make me change my mind?
Seth put his hand lightly on my wrist and drew in a ragged breath. “What else can there be? Except–” his voice grew husky, “this.”
I only had a second to wonder what he meant before he closed his eyes and kissed me.
My thoughts went haywire. But the pressure of his lips against mine sent my worries packing. He kissed differently than Matt. Slower. My lips parted under his, welcoming the contact that I’d been missing.
Our First Kiss of Camp. If he still cared about that tradition, he must still care about me. I lifted my hands to his shoulders to pull him closer, but he eased back instead.
“God. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry, Lauren. If we are meant to be together, we will be.” He got to his feet while I stared at him, dazed.
The sound of his retreating steps on the dock pulled me out of my romantic fantasies.
“Seth!” I jumped up.
He stopped short of the beach and turned.
“What are you doing?” It was a dumb question. What I meant to ask was, why are you leaving before we’ve settled anything?
“I need time to…figure things out.” He stuffed a hand in his pocket, eyes sliding away from mine. “I can’t go back to the bonfire tonight and see you. With him. In fact, it might take me a little while before I can handle seeing you together.”
The ache in my chest twisted. God, I didn’t want to hurt him. The night air felt colder all of a sudden. I wanted him to come back.
“I’m sorry.” I felt so helpless.
He backed up another step. “Don’t worry about me, Lauren.” The corners of his lips lifted slightly. “I’ve just got to wrap my head around this.” His eyes searched mine. “Will you be okay?”
His concern for me was a knife in my heart. I didn’t deserve such a good guy. Tears burned the backs of my eyes.
I must have nodded, though, because with a last, long look he turned on his heel and sprinted away.
I raced after him, but the forest had swallowed him by the time I reached the beach. My heart pounded harder than the June bugs against the dock light, a cheery campfire song reminding me how tough it would be to pretend everything was fine. Were Seth and I over?
I gazed skyward and spotted Jupiter, comforted by its appearance in a world changing at the speed of light. How could I have hurt the one person who understood me best, who knew who I was underneath the new clothes and new look? I watched the loons land gracefully in the water and resume their circular trek around the lake. Their calls floated back to me, the lonely sound mirroring the void Seth’s absence left behind.
My eyes closed. What had I done?
Chapter Four
Early the next morning, I sat on my bottom porch step, swirling my bare toes through the ground fog. A night of tossing and turning hadn’t made me feel any better about how I’d left things with Seth or Matt, so I’d come outside to watch the stars give way to the sunrise. I hadn’t gone back to the bonfire last night, unable to sit beside Matt when I’d upset Seth so much.
At least my friends had been happy to see me. They all still slept after our late night of talking and laughing. When they’d come back from the bonfire, they’d swarmed me like long-lost sisters, smothering me with hugs. For a moment, I’d almost been able to pretend this was going to be a regular year. My closest camp friend, Alex, honed in on my longer, straightened hair, tugging the length and declaring it pretty while the others moved right ahead to asking about Seth.
They’d all been surprised and confused to learn we weren’t getting back together this summer. Right. Me too.
The air was the pre-dawn color of a faded black and white photo, the silence so complete it felt like a dream. As if I’d conjured him, Seth appeared out of the mist in front of my cabin.
“Hey.” He sounded a little out of breath as he joined me. Water dripped from his sodden curls and made his grey tee and black swim trunks cling to him. “Do you have a sec?”
I choked back a laugh. Did I have time for the guy responsible for my lack of sleep two weeks running?
“Sure.” I slipped into my flip-flops, and debated taking his hand when he held it to me. For about two seconds. Easing into that familiar touch, I walked with him through the grey-black forest.
The feel of his large hand enfolding mine made my nerves short-circuit, and I shivered in my thin sleepshirt and shorts. The morning birds rousted themselves and began calling as we glided like shadows through the pine-scented air. On the beach, azure rimmed the dark horizon, the hue deepening to indigo as my eyes shot upward to the lingering stars.
“Oh!” I pointed to the faint white streaks overhead. “Meteors.”
Seth smiled down at me, his even features barely visible in the gloom. Not that I needed to see them. If I were an artist like my cabin mate Trinity, I could draw his face by heart.
“Yeah.” Seth stared up at the sky. “I spotted them when I swam to shore and thought of you.”
Our eyes met and clung together. “I’m glad.”
When he tucked a tendril of hair behind my ear, I realized I’d hadn’t brushed it yet. But the tender way Seth looked at me reminded me it didn’t matter.
“Let’s sit on our rock.”
My feet squished through the damp sand as I followed him to a larger boulder. But I couldn’t take up my usual position in front of him. This was real and we needed to talk. Last night had been too raw to say what really needed to be said. Maybe now we could figure things out. I settled across from him.
He drew a deep breath. “I’m leaving.”
“What?” I must have misheard him.
“I can’t stay here until I figure out how to deal with…us not being together.”
I blinked my way through the words that didn’t make any sense. “So you’re leaving? How long? Why?” I jabbed my finger into his chest. What. The. Hell. I was going through a major crisis and what…he was running away? This wasn’t like him. But then a niggling memory came back. When he was ten, he’d rehabilitated a wounded bird until Gollum made him return it to the wild. He’d taken off back then too—heading to his grandparents’ house. Since they owned Camp Juniper Point, they lived just a few miles down the river.
Was our relationship the wounded bird? The one he’d tried and failed to fix?
He caught my hand and pressed it to his lips, his topaz eyes reflecting the fingers of sunlight feeling their way across the lake.
“You wouldn’t have brought Matt here if you didn’t have feelings for him.”
I opened my mouth to deny it, but nothing came out. He had me there. I did care about Matt. Just not the way I felt about Seth.
Seth cupped my chin. “You need time and so do I.”
“What if I asked you to stay?” I jerked my chin away and clenched my teeth.
“Don’t ask me to do that.” He looked down, his face tens
e. “I’m giving you space so that when you choose me, if you choose me, there won’t be any doubts.”
I jumped off the stone and put my hands on my hips. With the wind tossing my uncombed hair, I must have looked crazy. But I was beyond caring.
“I don’t need you to give me my freedom. And you don’t need to disappear to help me figure out what’s right for me.”
“Like that Matt guy?”
“I didn’t ask Matt to come with me, okay? Don’t you think I’d rather be with you?”
“I heard he plays quarterback for a 4A state champion, right?” Seth ran a hand through his short curls. “He’s everything my father wished I’d be.”
Seth’s father was the head of the wrestling program at Indiana University and had always pressured his distance runner, hiker, and kayaker son to wrestle, or to take up a sport that would land him a high-profile athletic career. But Seth’s dad wasn’t here now. I was.
“Don’t you get it?” I blew my long bangs out of my eyes. “It doesn’t matter how rich, or successful, or famous you are. When it comes to you, I’m—I’m always going to be the girl who memorized the genus and species of every wildflower in these mountains to impress you. You were the first boy who made me feel beautiful and loved, even when I was covered in poison oak, with a full mouth of metal and thick glasses. You are my first love, and I want—more than anything—for you to be my last. But that can’t happen if you leave.”
Seth shut his eyes and shook his head, a crease appearing between his brows. “You’re my first love too. The only girl I’ve ever wanted.” He cleared his throat and lifted his lids. His golden eyes blazed at me like the morning sun spilling over the horizon. “But I can’t ignore the fact that you have a boyfriend at camp any more than you can. You’ve got to figure out your feelings for him before we can be together again. And that won’t be easy with me around.” He swept me up in a tight embrace and whispered in my ear, “Tell me you understand.”
My anger deflated like a popped balloon. It was selfish to ask him to help me get through the mess I’d made, especially when I hadn’t given him the warning he’d deserved. I needed to handle this on my own. “How long will you be gone?”
