by Rock, J. K.
“Do you love him? Because you have to be in love to have sex,” Siobhan announced as though stating a mathematical fact. She dried her splattered glasses with her shirt.
Jackie laughed. “Please. That’s what I thought until I slept with Rick, my teammate. He said he loved me, then bragged to everyone about going all the way.”
I quickly shut my mouth and watched the rest of the group do the same. Jackie had never talked about her love life. Now we knew why.
Jackie stared down Alex like she was sizing up an opponent. “Have you even DTRed?”
“No.” For the first time, Alex’s confident expression wavered.
Trinity pursed her lips. “Sweetie. You have to define the relationship. Make sure he wants more than sex.”
“I’d have sex with Julian.” Piper kicked off her shoes and combed her toes through the grass. “But only if we were going out.”
Now it was Jackie’s turn to look surprised. The rest of us froze in shock. How many more secrets were about to be spilled? Clean-up on aisle twelve.
Unable to stop myself, I stood and held Alex by her thin shoulders. They felt so small. Fragile. “Relationships are more than just sex. They’re about sharing.”
Alex shifted out of my grip. “Have you shared with Matt how much you love Seth?”
I opened my mouth and closed it. What could I say? She had a point.
“So if Vijay and Alex’s one-week camp thing equals a year, then what would that make Seth and Lauren? Married and divorced?” asked Piper.
“Trinity never saw a breakup on their chart, remember?” demanded Jackie. Five pairs of questioning eyes met mine. I pulled the bottom string from a honeysuckle flower and tasted its sweet nectar, mind reeling. Did the stars see a future I couldn’t?
Technically, I didn’t believe in stuff like that. But a wishful heart isn’t subject to the rules of science.
“Yeah. What happened to that?” Siobhan’s hazel eyes assessed me from beneath her hat.
“The charts aren’t as reliable long-term,” Trinity said in a rush.
A bee buzzed lazily among us and then settled on the yellow bush. Lulled by the tinkling water, and drowsy under the sun’s warm rays, my protective walls tumbled. I was tired of my friends’ confusion over my Matt/Seth situation.
“Honestly, I planned to break up with Matt before camp. But then he told me his parents were getting divorced and I just couldn’t.” Relief warred with guilt at my confession.
Alex snapped her gum. “Seriously?”
“Heavy,” murmured Piper.
Trinity smiled at me as she plucked a honeysuckle flower. “You did the right thing karma-wise.”
Siobhan and Jackie looked unconvinced.
“You should have been honest with Matt.” Siobhan pulled off her hat and waved it in front of her flushed face. “You’re only leading him on if you still care about Seth.”
“If she cared about Seth, would she treat him this way?” Jackie drawled. “The boy is in pain. Julian said he stopped playing Dungeons and Dragons. And he’s a level thirty ranger. He’s got like a hundred and twenty-five hit points.”
Wow. The Wander Inn’s old-school D&D games were legendary and lasted for weeks on end. They’d spend every free minute huddled in a circle, rolling their twenty-sided dice, using their imaginations instead of electronics to wage war and win gold. If Seth wasn’t playing, he hurt more than I thought.
“He’s fine.” Trinity gathered her dreadlocks and secured them with a rubber band. “He hardly ever talks about her when we’ve hung out.”
Hardly? That meant they talked about me sometimes. The two of them. Alone. I knew they weren’t more than friends, but… My face started to burn from more than the sun. What happened between Seth and me was private. How could he?
Alex sucked in a popped bubble before asking, “Who do you like more, Matt or Seth?”
I flopped back in the wild grass and threw an arm over my eyes. “I don’t know,” I groaned. The long blades scratched my shoulders and tickled me through the thin fabric of my tank top. I was still miffed at Matt’s caveman tactic, kissing me in front of Seth. It reminded me of the immature way he’d behaved with his friends that last day of school and his anger in the mess hall. Sometimes we seemed alike, and other times worlds apart.
Dad said things were complicated in the real world. But this was camp and my last chance to figure out my feelings. For Seth. For Matt. And maybe…about a whole lot more. What if—instead of worrying about what Seth deserved or Matt needed—I thought about myself for a while? I’d been spinning in circles for weeks without figuring anything out. Perhaps what I really needed was some space to get perspective.
“I could do another chart for you and Matt. Maybe you guys are a perfect match.” Trinity peeled back my arm, her hopeful grey eyes meeting mine.
“I think I’ve got to figure this out on my own.”
“Just don’t take too long.” Jackie pulled me up at the sound of the dinner bell. “This is Seth’s last year.”
Right. If I wanted to be with him, this was my last chance. For so long, I had seen myself in terms of who I dated. First it was as Seth’s camp girlfriend, and then as Matt’s cheerleader girlfriend. Maybe I needed to be on my own to see who I was and what I really wanted.
Until I resolved my confusion at camp this summer, I’d keep hurting both guys. It was time for a clean break from both of them. I trembled at the thought. But overriding my fear was a feeling of certainty that I’d stumbled on the right path. I’d never know who I was until I walked that road on my own.
When we reached the picnic area, I searched for Matt. He’d told me to catch him later. Little did he know I was about to let him go instead.
* * *
“Heads up, Lauren,” hollered Devon, one of the Warriors, right before he plowed into me. We landed with a thud. I spit out a pine needle and brushed sand off my shorts. Devon was already on his feet, a football held above his head.
“Woo-hoo!” he shouted, his flag football teammates high-fiving each other. “Touchdown.”
Matt grabbed me around the waist and spun me around. “That was the win. Lauren, you’re my lucky charm.”
I grimaced. He’d always called me that after his football games. According to him, he’d had the best season of his life with me cheering him on from the sidelines. Unfortunately, I’d gotten too comfortable watching the action instead of being a part of it. It reminded me of my dad—denying himself, who he was, to avoid confrontation. It ticked me off how easily I’d followed in his footsteps. I’d drifted for too long.
“Matt, we need to talk.” I tugged my fingers from his sweaty grip.
He pulled his shirt out of his back pocket and wiped his wet face. “Sure. What’s up?”
I pulled him toward my lean-to, ignoring his friends’ whistles and catcalls. Matt hauled me close when we reached the structure. “I think I’m going to like this ‘talk.’”
My worried glance flickered from his happy expression to my shuffling feet. Was I ready for such a huge game-changer?
Matt peered inside. “We’re alone.” He leaped onto the rough pine flooring, then reached out a hand. I ignored the help, hesitating, scared of taking my first lonely step toward independence. My eyes stung as Matt lowered his arm and watched in confusion as I crawled up onto the platform myself. This was going to be so hard.
Once inside, we sat on my sleeping bag. I kept my distance, ignoring Matt’s crooked finger as he stretched out.
His eyes darkened, his eyebrows nearly meeting over his nose. “What’s up, Lauren? When we’re together lately, you’re distracted, mad, distant or…” He shrugged. “Different. You’re not yourself.”
I couldn’t have said it better. “You’re right. I’m not myself. The problem is I don’t have a clue who that is.”
Matt sat up and held my hands. “You’re the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen, and you’re my girlfriend.”
He’d spelled it as clearly as a s
kywriter. My identity revolved around my looks and my boyfriend, about as deep as a plastic kiddie pool. I rubbed my aching stomach. There was so much more to me. Or at least, there used to be. How could I bring all the pieces of me together, know my true self, with Matt and Seth clouding the picture?
“That’s about to change.” I dropped Matt’s suddenly cold hands.
His smile faded. “What’s about to change? Us?”
I nodded, a lump blocking my constricted throat. Ohmigod. This was so much worse than I’d thought. My heart raced. Tears stung my eyes.
Matt brushed my wet cheeks, comforting me even when I was hurting him. To get through the breakup, I focused on his jealousy, his temper, and the streak of selfishness that had made him jeopardize football to spite his dad. If I thought about his sweet, tender side, I’d never go through with it.
“Is it the physical thing? I meant it when I said I wanted to wait until you were ready.” So much for ignoring his sweet side. God, he’d been so understanding about that even when I’d been carried away and… I shook my head, trying to make out his face through the waterfall flowing from my eyes. “No, you’ve been great about that.” And he had. Matt had definitely DTRed…but he didn’t love the real me. How could he? I still hadn’t met her.
Matt rubbed his eyes, hard. “Then what is it? Did I do something wrong? Is it Seth?” His eyes searched mine, then widened. “It is Seth.”
“No,” I finally managed, knowing it was one hundred percent true. “This is about me.”
“You don’t love me.” Matt ducked his wounded face.
“No. I mean yes. I do love you.” I’m just not sure if I’m in love with you, I added silently.
Matt exhaled. “So what’s the problem?”
“I just need some space to figure things out.”
Matt scuttled backward as if stung. “That’s what my father said before he moved out.”
I flinched, but I couldn’t keep putting Matt’s feelings first. It wasn’t fair to any of us. “A lot of things changed for me this year. I need to know how much of what’s different is me.”
“And how long is that going to take?” His eyes slid closed for a long moment.
I sat before him. In the distance, campers shrieked and laughed, their happiness a discordant note in the midst of our drama. “I don’t know. But if you want to go to football camp now, I wouldn’t blame you.”
My breath caught as Matt opened his eyes and studied his new friends playing beach volleyball. Was he about to agree and go? As much as I needed to break up with him, I wasn’t ready for him to leave.
“You just want to get back with Seth.” His fingers clenched the end of my sleeping bag.
“No.” My problems went deeper than Seth. “This is about me. I need to be on my own, to figure out what is going on.”
Matt faked a grin and waved when one of his cabin mates signaled for him to join them. He stood and looked down at me, his face so raw and sad he might have been a stranger.
“Then you might as well get started now.” He hopped outside and gripped the ledge. “But, I’m not going anywhere as long as we’ve still got a chance. Football can wait. When you figure things out, I’ll be here.”
I squeezed my eyes shut and dug my nails into the slippery nylon of my sleeping bag. I fought my usual impulse to run after him and make things better. Every instinct told me I’d made a huge mistake. I shook, feeling exposed and alone now that I’d stepped out of the shadow of someone else’s life. Whatever happened from this moment forward, it wasn’t because of Matt or Seth. It was because of me. No more hiding.
A moment passed, then another, and another until I felt strong enough to release my death grip and open my eyes. In the distance, Matt had already joined his team. His body rippled as he leaped up for an impressive net spike. He fist-bumped his bunkmates and crouched again, looking upward, ready for the next blow to fall from the sky.
* * *
“Pssst. Lauren,” a male voice whispered above me, waking me from a sound sleep. I bolted upright and blinked into the blackness late that night. It was so dark I could have slept with my eyes open. Was this just a dream?
“Seth?” I felt around the narrow space, my hands sliding over Alex’s empty sleeping bag. Guess she and Vijay were having their lucky night after all. For her sake, I hoped it didn’t go too far.
“Up here.” Seth’s voice drifted down, confirming this was all too real, and too dangerous.
My eyes adjusted enough to make out the ladder that led to the rooftop platform over the lean-to. Oh God, this was crazy. But I couldn’t tell him that I needed space from down here. If I shouted my plan, I’d wake half the camp.
“Coming.” I shivered as I slid out of my sleeping bag, hoping no one else had heard him. My spaghetti-strap tank top and sleep shorts were little protection from the cool mountain air.
I climbed the ladder but slipped on the last rung. Seth grabbed my waist, pulling me up and over the ledge.
“Okay?” His concerned eyes met mine as he steadied me against him.
Breathless at his proximity, I nodded, ignoring the thrill at his touch. But I was supposed to be on my own now. On my own, on my own, on my own. I chanted it like a mantra so I wouldn’t move from one guy’s arms to another.
His impish grin appeared, slightly a chipped canine and one-sided dimple giving him a pirate’s smile. Or maybe it was more like Peter Pan’s. Either way, it reminded me of old times and got my heart thumping in spite of my good intentions.
“You look pretty good for a girl with bed head.” His hands shook slightly as he smoothed my hair.
Great. Just what I didn’t need to hear. I pointed to the stairs. “Seth, you’ve got to go. This is wrong. Besides. What will your new girlfriend think?”
Seth raked his fingers through his curls so half of them stood on end. “Breyanna’s just a friend.”
I crossed my arms and stared him down. Seth shrugged and looked sheepish. “Fine. Maybe a little more, lately. Nothing’s happened…”
I didn’t need him to add the implied, yet.
Seth continued to grip my hand. “Please hear me out, Lauren. This will only take a minute.”
“Fine. But just for a minute. That’s it.” I plunked down on the rooftop and swung my legs over the edge, back hunched, arms crossed.
All around us slept campers in lean-tos. By the moon’s low position, I guessed it was well past midnight. An owl hooted from a nearby pine, then took flight in a blur of white and grey.
“Strix varia,” Seth breathed behind me. “Must be after a frog. Look at him dive.”
I tracked the bird to the river. The current made a soft shhhhh sound as it flowed over and around rocks and boulders. I’d forgotten how much I loved this time of night—the peaceful, natural feel of it.
Seth’s shoulder brushed mine as he lowered himself beside me. Goosebumps broke out on my skin, every molecule in my bloodstream screaming to life. I took a steadying breath.
He wrapped an arm around me. “Cold?”
I shook my head and edged away. “You said this would take a minute, so…?”
His finger pressed against my lips while the other hand pointed. My eyes widened at the sight of a portable field telescope set up to our left. Stargazing. As science geeks, it’d always been one of our favorite things to do together. I couldn’t believe he lugged the collapsible apparatus on the trip. Given the limited gear we were allowed to pack, he’d made some sacrifices to have this moment with me.
“C’mon.” Seth scrambled across the roof, peered into the eyepiece, and focused the lens. He looked up. “Last year we talked about seeing the Perseids and Swift-Tuttle together and tonight’s a good clear night for viewing. I didn’t want you to miss it. Have a look.”
He remembered this rare comet pass and our promise to watch it together. After everything we’d been through this summer, he’d remembered. My heart leaped. Say no, I told myself.
“Okay,” came out instead.
/> My eyes flew to the sky. I hadn’t forgotten about our plan and our promise to watch the skies together, but I’d put it out of my mind when I brought Matt to camp. But now…this was science, right? We could be nerds for a few minutes without acting on our hormones, couldn’t we? This was exactly what I needed. To rediscover my passion for astronomy, a part of me that I’d ignored all year, mostly because my dad had checked out of my life.
And didn’t that make me a lot like Matt—spiting myself to get back at my dad for ignoring me? I felt ashamed of myself and my pettiness.
Now, I knelt behind the telescope and looked down into the eyepiece. My breath caught at the otherworldly view. A streak of white light shone against an onyx sky dotted with twinkling stars. Behind it blazed another stream of periwinkle and azure blue.
Wonder filled me. I was transported, aware of the vastness of life and my tiny place in it. The familiar, otherworldly feel brought back my Aerospace Scholar ambition and memories of planetarium trips with Dad.
I grabbed Seth’s hand, wanting him to share this amazing moment. But then his arms wrapped around me and he stared into my eyes, the stars reflected in his gaze.
Our breaths synchronized. He exhaled against my temple, making my chest flutter. I turned to tell him I had to go. But before I could speak, his lips captured mine. I was a comet burning in a fireball of emotions.
My feelings for Seth rushed back with a pull as unstoppable as gravity itself. We tumbled against the roof, every nerve ending awakening at his familiar touch. My body softened into his, as if it were meant to fit there. Even the extra muscle he’d put on felt good- a solid and satisfying weight that crushed me in the best way possible. I traced the ridges of his biceps, cupped his broad shoulders, and stroked the back of his neck before burying them in his soft, springy curls. He was fantasy come to life. A forgotten dream remembered.
Seth pulled back and looked down at me with his expressive eyes. “I’ve missed you so much, Lauren.”
