by Emily Bowie
I don’t doubt before he’s done, this whole town will be called Crash something or other.
“What do you think?” I look up to see me in one of my professional bull riding photographs on the board along with my phone number the tagline Need a date?
It looks fantastic. There’s no way Haven can ignore me with her seeing this each and every day. Won’t be long before she realizes what she’s missing out on.
“Hey, boys!” Haven walks on over in a pair of jean shorts that are too short. She never wore stuff like that before. My mouth hangs open, seeing her in a light-purple one-piece bathing suit that dips farther down than normal, showing off the light dusting of freckles over her body. My mouth instantly dries up. She looks beyond beautiful. I want to know what happened to her other bathing suits and why she thinks she needs to change her wardrobe.
“I see Danger is up to his no-good ways again.” She laughs and hits me with her shoulder.
My stomach knots as I look from her to the sign, waiting for some sign that this bothers her. Absolutely nothing.
“Didn’t realize you’re going through a dry spell and needed to advertise,” she says so calmly in her sweet voice, and it rakes down my heart.
I rear back, insulted. “Trust me, I don’t need to advertise.”
“Mmmkay.” She lifts a brow, smirking. “Have fun, boys.” She pats me on the shoulder, laughter still gleaming in her eyes.
“Rip it down,” I tell Crash, pissed that my plan backfired. Derek Danger does not need to advertise. The girls flock to me. What I need to do it host a party and show this advertisement there.
“No can do,” Crash tells me, already walking back to his Jeep that’s parked on the shoulder of the road. “I need other clients, and with your mug on here, I will be busier than the Fourth of July in a heatwave.”
Twenty-One
Haven
Frankie hands me a spoon to dig into the pail of ice cream I’m holding. She’s looking at me with sympathy in her eyes, and I hate it. All I’ve managed to spill from my sobs is that Danger broke up with me. It’s only the tip of the iceberg of what I’m dealing with.
“I honestly thought you and Danger would be able to make it this time.” She sighs. Her spoon digs into the ice cream as she takes my news almost as hard as me. “I don’t get it. He was head over heels for you.”
“He set Timothy up. I saw him kiss another woman today, the same one Timothy cheated on me with.”
She takes a moment to think, going for another spoonful before she swallows. “I have to admit that Danger did confess to me the day of the bachelor party that he thought you were making a mistake, but he wouldn’t do that. He has never once tried to purposely hurt you.”
“I wanted what my parents had so badly I chose to ignore our history. I set myself up, and what’s worse, I have held every relationship standard so high because of my parents. And it’s all lies.” Her head tilts in confusion, not understanding that I’m about to drop the biggest bomb about my life. “You know how I told you about that anniversary thing I was making for my parents?” She nods, allowing me to get everything off my chest. “Turns out, my dad isn’t my biological father. My biological father died, and my parents got married to hide her pregnancy.” She gasps, and her facial features look much like how I envisioned myself if I hadn’t tried to lock my emotions away from my father. “My dad was doing the honorable, nice Christian thing. He said it was love at first sight, but I know better. It’s impossible to fall in love in a month. It may have turned into love, but they never had that fairy tale fantasy I always strived for.”
My tears stream down my face. I don’t recognize any part of my life or myself anymore.
“I’ve seen your parents, and I don’t believe for a minute that they married for convenience or to prevent shaming. I refuse to believe it.”
My spoon stops midbite. Is my best friend calling me a liar? I have always taken her side, and here she is, telling me that my reality isn’t true.
“I was there, and I know what I heard.” My eyes narrow on her, but she has that look to her like she’s going to give me her unwanted opinion no matter what.
“Haven, I love you to bits, but sometimes you only remember the parts you want to remember.”
My head rears back. “What do you mean?”
“Do you remember when you told me you slept with Danger?”
I nod. I hid it from her for a month before the guilt ate at me. I thought she would be so upset that I betrayed her somehow. When in fact she hugged me and said welcome to the family.
“Now tell me, why did you two stop?”
“I met Royce. He made me picnics, gave me flowers, and finally convinced me to date him.”
“What was Danger’s response?”
“He high-fived me and told me he had a date that night.” I remember how hurt I felt. Irrational, since I’d just got a boyfriend.
“What did he do after that?”
I shrug, pretending not remembering.
“He made Crash go out and buy that bulletin board at the edge of town, and he plastered his face and number on it as a dating ad. He did that to try to get your attention and to make you jealous.”
I remember how mad that advertisement made me. Royce and I got into a huge fight about it, because it was all I could talk about. Eventually, we broke up, because he told me I was still hung up on Danger. It was a ridiculous thought, since he and I were never dating.
“The two of you may have never put a label on it, but he was all in it then. He had me hanging the phone up on girls. He planned fun things for you to do together. I’m pretty sure he would have put a label on it if he thought you would go for it. But he was too scared that what the two of you had would end.”
I can’t help but feel a dip in my stomach. The ice cream I’ve eaten rolls around like a boulder. Have I been the one putting on the brakes between us the whole time? I always thought it was him. Shaking my head, I disregard that thought. It still doesn’t explain the bachelor party rumors or the kiss from that girl. I would love to call her some mean name, but she could be an innocent bystander in all of this.
Twenty-Two
Danger
Heading into my parents’ barn, I realize it no longer smells like animals, not even hay. My practice equipment is still only in one stall in hopes maybe my father would want to do something more with this place. But now, the animals they keep are limited to a few calves, one sheep, a horse my mother likes to ride, and the family dog I haven’t seen in months. Maybe they don’t even have him anymore.
This place used to be filled with life. Just standing in here makes me curl my lips in anger. I don’t need to see any more reminders about how fucked up my life is. I don’t need this equipment to taunt me that I could never cut it in the rodeo. I would never be as good as my dad. I would never get the girl in the end.
Taking my knife out, I cut down my ropes, not having any use for them anymore. I’ve decided I’m going to take the offer. Those who can’t do, teach, after all. I’m at the point in my life I can understand that motto.
“What are you doing?” Frankie’s shocked voice comes from behind me. She comes around slow as you would a frightened horse so as not to spook it.
“What does it look like?” I cut the other rope. The blue cylinder that acted as a bull drops to the wooden floor with a loud bang.
“It looks like you’re a scared little girl.”
Rolling my eyes, I can sense a Frankie moment here. She can spit a lot of advice but can’t seem to follow through on any of it.
“Mom and Dad want to downsize, and I’ve been offered a job out of town.” I refuse to look up from what I’m doing to see her facial features. I don’t need another disappointed woman staring back at me. They would find out eventually; at least I’m telling her goodbye instead of leaving in the middle of the night as I considered.
“You’re going to let her walk away like every other time?” she prompts in disbelief, her voice g
rowing an octave higher than normal.
My fingers pull at my hair, wishing I was alone. “Seems like it. She needs to meet someone like her parents, have that magical story she’s chasing after.”
“Why is it you let her think the worst about you?”
Breathing through my nose, I try to rein in my frustrations. My ma taught me better than to raise my voice to a girl, even if that girl is my annoying little sister. She ignores all of my cues that I’m this close to losing my shit and keeps on flapping her tongue.
“If you were upfront with her, none of this would have happened,” Frankie accuses me.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Frankie? I’m Danger, the cowboy who slays women for fun. That is what this town thinks of me. Haven deserves better. Someone who believes in God. I would much rather she believe I set her up and that is why her fiancé cheated on her than for her to realize he’s been a sleaze bag this whole time, using her. I don’t want her to judge herself and ask what she did wrong. I would rather her believe it was all because of me and she had no control over it.”
“Are you stupid? Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth? She didn’t have control over it. Timothy is a consenting adult who chose to cheat on her. You had nothing to do with it. Go tell her that.”
“I can’t.” Turning, I keep up with my project.
Her hand comes up, holding the rope I’m about to cut. “And why is that?”
“I made a bargain with God. I promised I would leave her alone if that bull who jumped into the stands didn’t hurt her.”
“Funny you say you don’t believe in God, yet you believe you have the power to say some words to save Haven. Sounds like someone might be going to church too much.” She keeps needling me, poking holes in all my logic. Maybe this experience has made me believe.
“Don’t keep telling me what I’m doing is wrong if you’re not ready to look in the mirror, little sister,” I tell her coldly, reminding her of all the failed relationships she’s had.
“Fine.” She throws her hands up. “You want to be miserable? Do it. But you will never have another chance with Haven. Do you even know why she was on the beach in the first place?”
“It doesn’t matter.” I cut the final rope down, wishing I could burn this whole place to the ground.
“She needed you. Her father told her that the magical fairy tale, as you call it, wasn’t so simple after all.”
I pretend to ignore my sister, tossing my shit into a pile to haul out of here later. But concentrating is impossible. I can’t understand how or why Haven would be upset about the fairy tale she has lived to duplicate. I know her parents, and they’re the real thing.
But what if Haven does need me? The thought I’m not there for her is cutting me up inside. I’ve always been there for her, and knowing this is the first time has me kicking my practice equipment and cursing out loud.
Twenty-Three
Haven
It takes me two days before Frankie loses her shit and kicks me out of bed. Stepping out, I see my mom and dad are both in her living room. The sad looks on their faces cause me to tear up. I hate that I put them there, but everything has been so hard to deal with.
They open their arms, and I instantly gravitate toward them, needing their support.
“I just don’t understand why you never told me. I love you both so much; it would never change how I feel,” I say muffled into my dad’s shirt as I cry.
My mother hugs me tighter. “We know that, dear.”
“There was a plan to tell you,” Dad says, rubbing small circles on the right side of my back. “At first, we were waiting for you to be older to understand. Then that day came and went along with the feeling that it was necessary. Part of me was scared you would think I don’t love you as much as I do. As irrational as that fear was, I liked having you think of me as your real dad.” He sighs, taking all the blame.
“You are my real dad,” I remind him, and I watch as his eyes become glossy. I have never seen my father cry in my life, the emotion of it all making me feel raw.
“Thank you, Haven. You warm my heart so much. I was never able to have children because of my cystic fibrosis. I have always thought of you as my miracle baby.”
“We were both young and scared. Your father’s job depended upon our secret back then. And selfishly, I didn’t want people to think the worst of me, knowing I became pregnant and wasn’t married. I had just started dating Josh, your biological father, and everything happened so fast. He came to our town for a rodeo event, and I met him by chance at the local diner. We started to date, with him coming to town between his events, and I became pregnant. I never even had a chance to tell him about you before he died. We never once held the truth from you to hurt you, even though that’s what happened. We are sorry, Haven. We never meant to hurt you.”
“I looked up to your relationship so much,” I begin, making my mother cry more. I continue hoping to put their minds at ease. “This doesn’t change that.” My hand glides up and down her back while my other stays holding my dad. “If anything, I see how strong you were for each other. You both never stop amazing me with what love can do,” I say on a sigh, thinking of Danger.
At one point, I thought we might have what my parents had. A love like theirs isn’t pushed to the side; it’s fought for no matter what.
I have to swallow the lump in my throat. The simple fact of the matter is that I miss Danger; I miss us. My gut is telling me I’m missing something, but my heart is shrinking away, scared by the truth. Maybe Frankie is right. I have always seen Danger in a way that protects my heart and not what’s there.
I need to find Danger. The thought plows into me.
“I love you guys, but I need to fix something.” I kiss both of their cheeks and run out the door. My car doesn’t stop until I’m at our house. Our house. My feet stutter when I see Ashley coming from out of it. She smiles when she sees me. She doesn’t even shy away or look guilty.
“You just missed him,” she informs me while her index finger wipes at her mouth, trying to imply she was sucking his dick.
“You tried to surprise him, and he wasn’t home, right?” I’m onto her game.
She laughs, shoving past me. “He was just giving me a proper goodbye, since he’s moving and all.” She turns to look at me. I’m stunned, unable to recover and school my expression. “To Texas….” There is a pause as she studies me with what looks like pity. I hate every minute of it. “He didn’t tell you?” Her eyebrow rises before she turns to leave me alone at his doorstep.
Twenty-Four
Danger
I’m losing my shit. I want to beat the crap out of Timothy and every other man for hurting Haven. It’s twisted, knowing I hurt her too, but I feel somewhat justified knowing I did it for her. My heart won’t stop beating, my whole body so overstimulated it’s vibrating.
Heading to the hospital, I need to see my father before he goes into surgery and prior to leaving town. I thought I could stay here, want to stay, but each time I think of Haven, I go through all these emotions again. Looking up at the ceiling of my truck, I search for a leak as I push the wetness from my cheek. There are blue skies and sun all around. Then I realize I’m the one leaking. Tears spring from my eyes, and it pisses me off more, knowing I’m crying. I haven’t cried since I was a child.
I have to get away, to give me space from all of Oakport Beach. Pushing myself into training is the right distraction for me, all while keeping my promise.
The need for someone to punch me in the face to give me a real reason to cry is strong, but looking around me, I know it’s useless. I need a good bull ready to toss me to the ground.
Getting somewhat of a hold on myself, I walk into my father’s room and stop in the doorway. Laughter and happiness seep through, making my stomach turn. I feel sick. All four heads look up, and for the first time in a decade, I see my uncle and his new wife.
“How are we happy in a time like this?” I ask, flabbergasted and
furious that my uncle would make light of this situation. He left Oakport Beach when he and my aunt divorced, never looking back. They hated this town, disowned everyone here. “Does Crash know you’re here?”
My cousin Crash has wanted his family back in this town and them to be proud of it and all he has done for it for years. But they would blow him off at every opportunity they would get.
“Danger. You know how long it’s been since I laughed?” My father’s honest words have me more than confused.
“You’re happy about sitting in a hospital bed?”
He shakes his head at me. “Son, I know I’ve been moody and not around for you. The rodeo was my lifeline, much like it is yours. But having to go through another event as I just did has been the wakeup call I needed. All I could think about was how I would miss out on everything. How I may never kiss your mother goodnight. How I may never see you achieve all your goals and never be able to laugh with my grandbabies. It made me realize I stopped living life, and I hate it. I want to feel free and live and smile. This was my wakeup call. Not many people get to live through two major accidents. I plan to cherish the rest of the time I have left. So, yes, I am happy I’m here and reconnecting with family, my brother. In my mind, it was worth it.”
Looking over the rest of the faces, I see there are tears in everyone’s eyes. I’m happy he’s taking this better than I thought, but I’m still having a hard time understanding it all. How can he have a change of heart just like that?
