She frowned at his words. After forcing him to go to a place he clearly hated so she could feel like she wasn’t compromising her identity, she’d made him reveal his darkest secrets and then responded by spending half the meal babbling about the food and the surroundings as if explaining herself in great detail would somehow make him feel better. “What could you possibly thank me for?”
“For helping me see the world the way you see it.” Turning her in his arms, he smiled down at her. “Everything is different through your eyes. It’s better.”
Pulling him into a hug, she fought against the tears that crowded her eyes. Lincoln was a strong, independent man. He’d held onto his own self-worth despite his parents’ casual neglect and, as a man, he demanded better treatment. He didn’t need her sympathy and he sure as hell didn’t need to see her cry over his past hurts. All he really needed from her was… her. All of her.
That was the greatest revelation she’d had tonight. Lincoln had asked more from her than a casual relationship based on sex because he needed a deeper, more emotional connection. Not so he could control her or manipulate her. He just wanted to be that close.
“Come with me.” Stepping out of his arms, she took his hands and led him into the darkened bedroom.
As she began to unbutton his shirt, she noticed her fingers were trembling. He covered her hands with one of his, threading the other through her hair so he could tilt her head back until she looked up at him. “What’s going on in that head of yours?” His brows were drawn into a deep frown, his body tense with uncertainty.
She held his gaze with a steadiness she’d never managed before. All her usual reticence had been usurped by the simple desire to show him she cared about him—that he mattered to her. “I want to be with you,” she said, hoping that would be answer enough. If he asked for more, she wasn’t sure she could find the right words.
Rising onto her tiptoes, she pressed her lips against his. The hesitation she’d felt in him evaporated as he returned her kiss.
She took her time removing his clothes, felt the warmth of his skin beneath her hands. The curves of muscle and sinew, developed through years of hard, honest labour, told of his strength and discipline. His work wasn’t only something he did for a pay check, it was a physical part of him, it made his body beautiful in its masculinity. His arms and torso were deeply tanned from hours beneath the sun. “I can smell the sunshine on your skin,” she murmured as she trailed kisses across his chest.
His breath caught, but he stood silent and motionless before her, as if he didn’t dare move lest he break the spell. And yet those green eyes followed every move she made with keen fascination.
Lifting his hands, she turned them over and ran her thumbs over the callouses on his palms, saw his accomplishments engraved in his skin. She knew he spent time at the end of each day cleaning the dirt from his hands and under his short, blunt fingernails. She liked the basic, honest pride he took in his appearance. There was an undeniable dignity to him, despite the contradictory impression she’d gotten during their first meeting. She laughed at the memory. “Do you know when we first met I took to referring to you as ‘my dirty gardener’ in my head? Even though I knew your name, I couldn’t seem to help myself.”
“Your dirty gardener?” His mouth quirked up into that trademark smirk. “Were you being presumptuous again?”
“Not at all.” She drew his hands around her back and placed them unerringly on her butt. “How long did it take for you to think of me as your princess?”
He gave a low chuckle as he pulled her against him, leaning down to nuzzle the curve of her neck. “About three seconds after I held this incredible body of yours in my arms.”
“Exactly.”
The sound of her zipper lowering sounded in the room and then he peeled her dress down her body, trailing his hands over her curves as he went. “You want to know what I thought the first night we had sex?”
She hummed her agreement, distracted by the way his mouth moved along her collar bone.
When he pulled back to meet her gaze, the dim light filtering in from the next room only served to reveal the shadows in his eyes. His jaw clenched tight before he replied in a low voice. “I thought I could get you out of my system. That we’d have great sex and enjoy each other for a while, then it would be over and I’d walk away, same as always. No harm done.”
Amber held still in his arms as she took in his words. That was pretty much the way she’d expected their relationship to go as well. “And what do you think now?” she asked, her voice a murmur in the darkness.
He shook his head, his breath coming in a heavy sigh. “Now, I don’t know how I’ll ever get enough.” His mouth took hers in a short, fervent kiss. “I still can’t keep my eyes off you.”
A satisfied smile lifted the corners of her mouth. “I know what you mean,” she said as she returned to undressing him, desperate now to feel his skin against hers. Brief moments later she’d sheathed his erection and guided him backward until he sat, in all his naked glory, on the end of the bed.
Stripping off her black lace underwear, she climbed onto his lap and eagerly lowered herself onto the hard length of him—inch by glorious inch. It wasn’t until they were completely joined that she released a blissful moan. She began to move against him, lifting and lowering in slow, sensuous movements that had her panting within minutes. She gazed deep into his clear, green eyes and wondered if maybe she could see all the way into his soul from here. It hadn’t occurred to her before, when he’d looked at her as if he was trying to catch glimpses of her soul, what he wanted most was for her to look back at him the same way. He needed her to feed the hunger loneliness had created, to be there in that moment with him—totally present.
She looked now. She saw him and she allowed him to see her. And it was all-consuming and terrifying and beautiful beyond words.
She’d never done this with a man before, never gone this deep and this far and this close. She’d always found ways to protect herself and make it about the fun of sex without the added depth of emotion. She’d convinced herself anything more was a complication she didn’t need. And yet, as they came together, as she felt him moving within her body, she couldn’t help but think they were connected in a way that went beyond sex and into love.
He held her face between his hands and brushed his lips over hers. His body was taut with tension and yet his hands had never been gentler as they stroked every inch of her. He rolled them over and drew her leg up over his hip so he could seat himself deeper into her body and she moaned, clenching hard around him. A whispered breath brought her name from his lips and goose bumps broke out over her skin. Her body quivered with rising passion and she strained against him, unable to get close enough. She could see the need on his face and knew he could see it reflected back at him through her own eyes. The desire to meld so tight with another person that any future separation would be superficial. There would always be a part of the other left behind.
They reached their climax together. Clutching onto each other, their cries mingling. Lincoln’s arms were tight bands encircling her body, holding her to him, so tight she could hardly breathe.
She’d gone into this night wanting to give him a gift. She’d never imagined giving it would break her. She felt like she was his now, like a part of her belonged to him. It wasn’t what she’d wanted, not ever. And yet, what they’d shared filled her right down to the bone. There was no denying it. She was lost in him and now there was no escape.
“I can’t stop wanting you, Amber.” Lincoln’s soft words echoed her own silent admission, the panic she felt clawing at her throat at odds with his own aching despair. “I know you don’t want to hear that. But, God help me, I don’t know how I’ll ever let you go.”
Chapter 18
Amber sat in the dining room of her parents’ house and watched her mother pour tea from an old ceramic pot. She ran her fingertips over the wooden surface of the table, scarred from several decades’
worth of use. This table had always been the centre of their family life. Roast dinners, homework assignments, towering Lego constructions and board games had all happened right here. A lot of laughter had echoed off the walls of this room, along with the tears and the arguments. With any luck she wouldn’t be responsible for adding to the negative emotions today.
“What time is Candace due home?” she asked as she poked a fork at the piece of chocolate cake her mother had served for morning tea. Her dad was out helping a friend with some kind of woodworking project, but he’d said he’d be home after lunch and Amber wanted plenty of time to talk to her younger sister before he arrived.
After a brief check of her watch, her mother shook her head. “A little while ago. She and her friend, Josie, were probably up until all hours finishing their chemistry assignment. I’m sure she’ll be home soon.”
They lapsed into silence for a few minutes as they drank their tea and ate the cake.
“I know why you’re here,” her mum said as she put her empty plate to one side. “You’re going to try to convince Candace to go against your dad’s wishes.”
Amber tried to swallow the bite of cake she’d been chewing, but her throat suddenly constricted. “Do you think I’m doing the wrong thing?” she asked after she managed to get the thing dislodged from her throat.
“I honestly don’t know. You followed your dad’s advice and you’re fine. Why should Candace be any different?”
“Because she knows what she wants and being a lawyer doesn’t begin to come close.” Amber could feel her frustration rising and she took a deep breath, lowering her voice. “I know you always give in to what Dad wants, but you can’t expect the rest of us to follow suit.”
Her mum was silent as she poured them both more tea and took a sip from her cup. “When I first met your father I was very unhappy.” Her voice was quiet, little more than a whisper, and Amber leaned forward over the table to hear her better. “I wasn’t much older than Candace is now, but the world felt overwhelming to me. I had a job selling perfume at a department store, but other than that I didn’t have much of a life. I was painfully shy and I worried about everything from the style of my hair to whether I would ever be asked out by a man.” A smile crept onto her face as her eyes filled with memories. “Your dad was buying perfume for your grandmother’s birthday. He didn’t know the name of the one she liked but he was sure he would recognise it if he smelt it. I must have sprayed every tester bottle we had searching for the right one. By the time we were done he could barely speak for sneezing.” She laughed now and Amber couldn’t help but smile. She’d heard the story before, of course, but not the part where her mother had been unhappy. She could understand why her mum had left that part out until now.
“We started dating and your dad always made all the choices for the both of us. Where we went and what we did, what movie we saw. It sounds terrible to you, I know, but at the time it felt like such a relief. I didn’t have to worry anymore because Harold took care of everything, including me. It was a big part of why I fell in love with him. We were married within six months. Your brother was born the next year.” She sat back in her chair, her hands clasped together on the table in front of her. “I know you don’t approve of the way I’ve conducted my life, Amber. It’s been there in your voice, in the expression on your face, ever since you became an adult. You think me weak, like I’m some sort of downtrodden wife.”
Amber shook her head. “Mum, I don’t think you’re weak.”
“Don’t you?” Her mother gave her a severe look and Amber felt like she was ten years old again, caught with her hand in the biscuit tin a half hour before dinner. “I don’t expect you to understand the choices I’ve made, but I’ll thank you to respect them. I don’t want your pity and I don’t deserve it. Your father and I love each other, we always have. For all his faults, and I’m well aware of them, he has always taken care of me and this family the best way he knew how.”
“I know he has and I’m grateful for everything you’ve both done for me, I am.” Amber held her hands up in front of her, fingers spread. “But I don’t want Candace to end up leading a life she never wanted because she didn’t feel free to choose her own path.”
Her mother frowned as she mulled over the words. “Let’s see what she has to say for herself when she gets here.”
Amber felt hope rise in her chest. Perhaps she’d have an ally in this fight after all.
A few minutes later, they heard the front door slam, followed by Candace’s shuffling gait as she walked through the house.
“Mum, I’m home.” Candace appeared in the doorway. She froze for a moment when she saw Amber sitting at the table, then yanked her cheeks into a fake smile. “Hey, Amber. I didn’t know you were coming over.”
Amber returned her sister’s smile, recognising hers was just as forced. When had things gotten this bad between them? “I wanted to see how you’re doing?”
The younger woman heaved a heavy overnight bag onto the table before dragging herself over to a chair and falling into it, her shoulders slumping. “No, you don’t. You’re here to talk me out of putting law degrees on my VTAC form.”
There wasn’t much point in denying it. The VTAC application form was Candace’s chance to apply for the university courses of her choice. If she listed a law course in the top spot, and got in, that would pretty much be the end of it. “Are you still planning to do that?”
“I don’t know, okay?” Candace yelled, throwing her hands in the air. “You and Dad are as bad as each other.”
Amber was appalled. “I’m nothing like Dad. I’m fighting for you. For what’s best for you.”
“Funny, that’s exactly what he said.” Candace bobbed her head, her lips pressed into that false grin. “Neither of you seems to care much what I want as long as you get to play tug of war with me in the middle. It doesn’t matter what I do, in the end someone is going to be disappointed in me.”
Speechless, Amber sat there with her mouth hanging open. “I had no idea you felt that way. I’m only trying to make sure you feel like you have a choice.”
“Right. As long as I pick your choice.” Amber watched, horrified, as her younger sister shook her head at her. “You’re exactly like Dad.”
She started to get up from her chair, but Amber put a hand on her arm. “Wait, please. I just want to talk.”
Candace stared at her for a long moment, clearly deliberating whether Amber was worth the time of day. She felt her sister’s hesitation like a kick to the gut. When the younger woman finally fell back into the chair, she breathed a sigh of relief.
“Fine,” Candace said. “But I can’t stay long. I have exams to study for.”
Thankful for the reprieve, Amber gathered her thoughts before she tried again. “I’m sorry for putting so much pressure on you. I honestly didn’t mean to. And you can’t disappoint me in this. I promise.” Her sister stared at her in that bored silence teenagers can manage so easily. “I believed doing an art degree was what you wanted. That’s the only reason I pushed for it, I swear. Are you saying that’s not true?”
Candace’s gaze moved to the table and for a while Amber didn’t think she’d get a response. Then, her sister spoke in a timid voice. “It was for a long time. But Dad’s right, making a career as an artist is hard and there are so many artists who are better than me.”
Amber started to deny the truth of that but Candace glared at her and she fell silent.
“I know you think I’m brilliant, but you’re my sister so your opinion doesn’t count. I’m sorry, but it doesn’t.” Candace was on a roll now and Amber forced herself to stay quiet and allow her sister to speak her mind. “I’m no child prodigy, Amber. I’m average at best, that’s the truth of it. And I don’t want to spend my life starving for my art. I want to be successful, like you and Will.”
“There’s more to success than money, Candace.”
“Yeah, but it helps. I want a career I like but I also want to make goo
d money.”
Amber understood her sister’s concerns. Her job paid her well and it allowed her to keep her little apartment, buy sparkly shoes when she wanted them, and have a level of independence she might not have managed otherwise. She hadn’t really considered that part when she’d encouraged Candace to follow a dream that may or may not have panned out for her financially.
“So, what do you want to do? Do you want to study law?”
Candace rubbed her hands over her face, looking much older than her seventeen years. “I want to not argue about this anymore. Not with you and not with Dad. I want five minutes to think without other people second-guessing me.”
Nodding, Amber stood up from her chair. “All right. I’ll leave you alone. But if you need anyone to talk to about your options, or to bounce ideas off of, let me know. No pressure, I promise.”
Candace stood up and gave her a big hug. “Thank you, Amber-Pamber.”
Amber smiled at the old nickname as she hugged her sister closer. Candace hadn’t called her that since she’d turned twelve and decided nicknames were childish. “I love you, Candy-Bar.” Candace gave a watery laugh at the sound of her own nickname. “I want to see you doing what you want to do,” Amber added. “That’s all that matters.”
After her sister said goodbye and went upstairs, her mum walked her to the door. “You did well with her. I’m glad the two of you seem to have sorted things out.”
She sighed, thinking of the month or so Candace still faced before her application form had to be submitted. “I just hope she can handle Dad.”
“Leave your dad to me.” She gave Amber a sly wink. “I’ll be here to back Candace up if she needs it.”
“Are you sure?” Amber asked, unconvinced. “You’ve never gone against him before. Do you think you can?”
Her mother rolled her eyes. “All these years you’ve been so convinced I had no say in what happened in this house. Did it never occur to you perhaps, after nearly thirty years of marriage, I may have learnt a trick or two about bringing your dad around to my way of thinking by convincing him it was his idea in the first place?”
Lost in Amber: Steamy Contemporary Romance (Finding Forever Book 2) Page 11
