Amos cupped her face in his hands and wiped away her tears with his thumbs. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. He leaned close and his sweet breath fluttered over her face. He touched his lips to hers in a gentle kiss. “I’m so happy.”
She nodded and kissed him again. Then she showered his face with kisses. He grasped her to him again and held her close. “Won’t your mamm be happy!”
Annie nodded against his shoulder. “Jah. She’ll have two grandchildren now.”
“Two,” he whispered and kissed her again.
Annie wavered at the bottom of the stairs and glanced around for Joseph and Sarah. She heard quiet conversation from the front room so she ventured in that direction. Sure enough, the two of them were seated, Joseph on the couch, and Sarah on the rocker by the warming stove. Sarah looked up when Annie entered.
“Oh Annie, come in,” she said, a bit of desperation in her voice.
Annie caught Joseph’s look of dismay, but she forged ahead and sat on the other rocker. Joseph blinked and frowned.
“We were talking,” Sarah said, and then flushed as she must have realized how silly her comment sounded.
“I see.” Annie took a deep breath. “How are you, Joseph?”
Joseph rubbed his hands over his thighs and seemed to consider her question.
“And your family?” Annie added, trying to put him at ease.
“They’re right fine,” he said. He looked at Sarah, and Annie could see the love he carried for her. It was right there on his face, plain as day. Her heart constricted. Did Sarah feel anything for him? Anything at all?
She studied Sarah, but Sarah looked so flustered that nothing was evident. Annie searched for something else to say.
“Mighty cold outside these days. I guess you have a bit more free time in this weather.” Annie gave a small grimace. What an obvious observation.
“Jah. More free time,” he replied. His voice was low and melodious, and Annie realized again what a nice young man he was.
Amos came to the doorway. “Joseph, I’ve put your bag upstairs. Isabel has a spare room for you.”
Joseph nodded. “Thank you.”
Amos looked at Annie, and she smiled at him. “I’ll be out in a bit,” she said, knowing Sarah would die if she left. She also knew Sarah would feel uncomfortable if Amos joined them. Her embarrassment was at a high enough level. Amos shrugged and disappeared into the dining area.
Annie knew she’d interrupted a serious discussion. A conversation Joseph obviously was eager to continue. Every muscle in his body appeared tense, and he couldn’t take his eyes from Sarah’s face. Annie felt ridiculous sitting there, but her loyalty to Sarah gave her no choice.
Annie licked her lips. “Joseph, what brings you to see Sarah?” Her question was blunt and uncharacteristic, but she figured that the situation called for a frank approach. Pretending her sister wasn’t sitting there more than four months gone wouldn’t do.
Joseph got up abruptly and began to pace the room. Annie’s gaze flew to Sarah, but Sarah’s eyes were on Joseph. Annie again tried to read her face but couldn’t.
She waited. After a minute or two, Joseph sat back down, his face flushed. “I’ve come to ask Sarah to be my bride.”
Annie’s breath caught in her throat. Her eyes darted to her sister. Sarah was looking down at her hands, but Annie saw her chest rise and fall with quick breaths.
“She’s not joined church yet, Joseph. She’s not baptized.”
“I know. She could take instruction right away. I’ll speak with the bishop.”
“She…” Annie hesitated. “She’d have to go before the bishop and the ministers most likely.”
Sarah’s face went red. She looked at Annie, and Annie braced herself for an outcry. But there wasn’t one. Sarah bit her lip and looked back down at her hands. Annie knew Sarah didn’t want to go confess her sin, but there would be no other option as far as she could see. Dat’s idea to keep this silent wasn’t working. In any case, their dat would want Sarah to confess.
Joseph’s face was grave. “I know.”
“You really need to be speaking to our dat about all this, Joseph.”
“I wasn’t of a mind to do that until I spoke with Sarah.” Joseph regarded Sarah with such affection that Annie’s chest tightened.
“Sarah?” Annie asked.
Sarah cleared her throat. “Can I talk to Annie, please?”
Joseph rose from the couch, his brow furrowed. “Jah, of course. I’ll find Amos.” He left the room with a backward glance at Sarah.
Annie pulled her rocker close to her sister. “Sarah, I don’t understand. Does he want the baby?” Her nerves were stretched thin, and her breathing was forced.
Sarah only looked at her, and Annie realized that she’d put the focus square back on herself. “I’m sorry,” she went on, flustered. How could she be so selfish? “How do you feel about it? Marrying him, I mean. Are you willing?”
“What about Eric?”
Annie blew out her breath. “What about him?”
“What if he wants to marry me for real? With no lies.”
“He’s Englisch, Sarah. We’ve talked about this.”
“I still think of him.”
“Of course you do. That’s only natural. But there’s no future with him. You found that out yourself.”
Sarah gazed off into the distance. “Maybe.”
Annie took her arm and gave it a gentle shake. “Sarah, please…”
Sarah shook off Annie’s hand and stared at her. “I know you think I’m a fool. I know you don’t understand what I did. What Eric and I did. We tried, Annie. We tried. But so many things were against us. If he only could have talked to his parents—”
Annie drew back. “Sarah, he could have talked to them, but he didn’t. You told me that yourself.”
Sarah bit her bottom lip and shook her head. “Maybe he was about to do it. I’m the one who wanted to leave!”
Annie let out a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry.” She remained silent for a long moment, trying to sort through her own jumbled thoughts and emotions. Sarah wasn’t seeing things rationally. Eric was never going to talk to his parents. Sarah’s heart had been broken, and yet she still clung to false hope.
But Sarah knew the Englisch better than Annie did. She didn’t need Annie telling her what she already knew. She and Eric were never going to live happily with his parents in a daadi haus behind their big house. The Englisch hardly knew what a daadi haus was. Sarah simply wasn’t thinking straight.
And what of Joseph Yoder? Would he take on the baby? And if he did, then where did that leave her plan to raise the child? Annie’s hands went instinctively to her own stomach. She had a new life in her, too. She didn’t need to raise Sarah’s anymore. She shook her head at the thought. That didn’t change things. She wanted to raise Sarah’s baby. She wanted to love it and give it a happy home.
But wouldn’t Joseph Yoder give it a happy home? And then Sarah could keep her child. She’d have to ask forgiveness—or whatever the bishop demanded of her—and she would need to take instruction and be baptized into the church. Was Sarah willing to do that?
“What is it?” Sarah asked her abruptly. “What are you thinking?”
Annie rubbed her hand over her arm and then rested it at the base of her throat. “I think Joseph Yoder loves you.”
Sarah sucked in air.
Annie hurriedly went on. “It’s obvious. And he wants to marry you. Is he willing to raise the baby?”
Sarah nodded.
Annie forced herself to keep drawing even breaths. “That should tell you something.”
Sarah looked at her, her eyes unblinking.
“Sarah?”
“What?”
“What are you thinking?”
Sarah gripped her hands in her lap. “I’m thinking that I made a right fine mess of things.”
Annie scooted her chair even closer to Sarah’s. “It doesn’t have to stay a mess.”
&
nbsp; “But what if I never stop loving Eric? What if I keep yearning for him my whole life?” Sarah’s eyes misted over and held such a look of desperation, Annie could hardly bear to maintain her gaze.
The ticking of the large clock in the corner marked the seconds of silence between them. Finally, Annie shifted in her seat. “I think … I think with time, your love for Eric will fade.”
Sarah grabbed Annie’s arm. “You don’t know that.”
“Nee. I don’t know that.” Annie put her hand over Sarah’s. “But we can ask Gott for his help.”
Sarah gave a soft snort and looked away.
“He loves you, Sarah. No matter how you’re feeling right now. He loves you.”
Sarah shrugged.
“And in the meantime, you have a fine man who wants to marry you.” Annie glanced toward the doorway but saw no sign of either Joseph or Amos. Indeed, she saw no sign of anyone. Isabel must have corralled the girls into the kitchen or upstairs.
Sarah began rocking, pushing her stockinged feet against the braided rug.
“Do you think you could marry him?” Annie asked her gently.
Sarah’s rocking increased in speed. “I don’t know.”
Annie fell silent. She had a suspicion that Sarah had liked Joseph once. Perhaps even more than liked him. Until Eric showed up. Until Sarah went wild during her rumspringa.
“Joseph is a good person.”
“I know that!” Sarah said, her tone impatient. “And I know I don’t have years to make up my mind!”
Annie leaned against the back of the rocker. “Or we can stick with our original plan,” she said, almost in a whisper.
Sarah stopped rocking. “Jah.”
Annie searched her sister’s eyes. “Is that what you want to do?”
Sarah didn’t answer, but Annie saw the reluctance there. Annie stiffened and sat up straighter. “Sarah?”
Tears slid down Sarah’s face. “I want my baby,” she said, and her voice broke.
Annie squeezed her eyes shut. She gripped the arms of her chair, bracing herself for the pain, for the feeling of loss and grief that had been her constant companion during the last few years of her life. The feeling was so much a part of her and so expected, that she could only cringe and wait for the emotion to flood her heart. But a moment went by, and then another, and her mind went still. An eerie silence flowed through her, and it was as if all torment seeped away, drained from her, and slithered onto the floor and out of the room. All that was left was … nothing? Annie relaxed the grip on her chair. Her eyes widened at her own lack of pain. She blinked. What was happening?
An acceptance and a knowing eased into her. She gazed on her sister. Sarah wanted her baby. She wanted it. She wanted to be its mama. She wanted to raise it.
Annie’s eyes filled with tears. Of course, she did.
And now Sarah could. Joseph Yoder was somewhere in the house awaiting her answer. He loved her and would love Sarah’s baby.
Sarah was crying. She sniffed and wiped her wet cheeks. “Do you think it could work? Me and Joseph?”
Annie didn’t hesitate. “Jah. I truly think it could work.”
Sarah put her hand over her mouth. “You think Dat would approve?”
“I think Dat would approve.”
“And Mamm?”
“And Mamm.”
“The bishop might discipline me.”
“He will.” Annie looked for resentment on Sarah’s face but saw none.
“You’ll help me.”
Annie got up from her chair and took Sarah in her arms. “Always, Sarah.”
Sarah rested her head on Annie’s shoulder, and Annie held her tight.
“You know, Sarah, you might have to help me, too. What with my new baby and all.”
Sarah drew back from Annie and looked at her with tears in her eyes. And then, they both started laughing.
A joyous sound that filled the room with hope.
Epilogue
I’m back home now, tucked cozily into the daadi haus. Little Emmy is sleeping in her crib. It’s pushed up under the window, close to our bed. At night, when the moonlight spills through the window, I can gaze over at Emmy any time I please. Such a precious child you never did see. Amos dotes on her. As do I.
Truth be told, all of the family continually flock around her, oohing and aahing. Dat grumbles, saying it isn’t fitting for a boppli to get so much attention. She’ll grow up vain, he complains. But, when he thinks no one is looking, he’s over there, bending low over her sweet little face, cooing his share of ooh’s and aah’s.
Never did I think I could be so happy. Sometimes, I find myself singing and walking with such a dance in my step that I wonder if I’m too happy. But no. I don’t think there’s such a thing as too much happiness.
After Amos and Joseph came to visit us in Ohio, Sarah and I didn’t stay with Isabel and Andrew much longer. There was no reason to delay our homecoming any further. Dat’s plan couldn’t have worked by then anyway. How could I have returned from Ohio holding Sarah’s baby as my own when I was eight months gone with child myself?
No, it wasn’t going to work. But when Mamm and Dat learned of Joseph’s intentions toward Sarah, they were only too glad to welcome us back. I think they suffered a bit with the community’s knowledge of what had gone on. Although, I believe some people think the baby is Joseph’s, and none of us feel the need to set them straight. It doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done. And as far as Joseph is concerned, the baby is his.
Sarah doesn’t talk about Eric any longer. She did hear from him once when she received official papers in the mail, annulling their marriage. She showed them only to me and then promptly burned them in the warming stove. Sometimes, I see the grief in her eyes, and I feel her sadness. But I stay quiet about it, and so does she. There’s nothing either of us could say to make it any better. Or different. She had nursed a dream of Eric and their possible life together, but it couldn’t come true. And now, she has a devoted and loyal husband who would hang the moon for her if necessary. Sometimes, when she doesn’t know I’m watching, I’ve seen real love on her face for Joseph, and it warms my heart a great deal.
The months before I became pregnant were some of the hardest I’ve ever lived. My barrenness. Sarah’s pain. Her running away. Me being away from Amos in Ohio. And my own thoughts. Most of all, my own thoughts. I realize now that I tormented myself with yearning and thoughts of inadequacy and lack of faith. It shames me. I believe I’ve changed now. At least, I hope I have. I hope to never doubt God like that again. Or doubt who I am again. I realize now more than ever that I am God’s child. Me, Annie Braus. Whether I have a child or not.
Growth comes hard sometimes.
Something else has bothered me now and again. For in truth, Dat basically asked both Sarah and me to lie about her baby. And lying is a sin. I know Dat’s the head of the family, and I know obedience is paramount. But it doesn’t sit right. In my heart, I believe Dat was only trying to protect Sarah, but still… I talked with Sarah about it, and she said that Dat didn’t asked us to lie exactly. Just not divulge everything.
But isn’t that a lie?
I haven’t spoken of it with anyone again. But it’s weighed on me. And the fact that I was willing to lie, more than willing to lie, bothers me. Was I so desperate for a child? It embarrasses me to admit that I was. Thank the Lord God I didn’t have to go through with it. I didn’t have to lie to the people whom I’ve loved and lived near my whole life.
When we returned to Hollybrook, Sarah went before the bishop and the deacons. When she returned, her lips were pressed tighter than a newly sealed jar of preserves. She wouldn’t speak of it. Wouldn’t tell anyone what had transpired. I’m not even sure she told Joseph. My guess is that she had to apologize for her sin. If there was more than that, I doubt I’ll ever know.
All I do know is that her instruction for baptism into the church began the following week.
I wish I could share that it’s
been smooth for Sarah since, but it hasn’t. Joseph’s family was not pleased with his decision to take Sarah as his bride. Fact is, I found out that they threatened to cut Joseph off and not give him the inheritance of acreage which he was counting on. For a few weeks, Sarah was in constant tears with the stress of it all.
Not long after we got back to Hollybrook, she sought me out in the daadi haus and announced that she wasn’t going to marry Joseph after all. I sat her down by the fire in a hurry and asked why.
“He’s losing his farmland,” she said.
“What do you mean?” I asked her, but I already knew.
“They’re cutting him off.” She shook her head, tears sliding down her cheeks. “I can’t let him do it. I can’t let him marry me and lose everything.”
She was rocking hard as she always does when she’s upset, pushing her feet against the rag rug. At first, I didn’t rightly know how to respond. The only thing I knew was that she must have been starting to love Joseph or she wouldn’t have been so troubled.
“Sarah?”
She looked at me, her lips quivering.
“Give them time. Once they get to know you, it’ll be fine. And once they understand how much Joseph loves you, they’ll come around.”
“I don’t think so,” she muttered.
It took longer than I’d hoped, but after Sarah’s beautiful baby boy was born, and he reached his chubby little hand toward Joseph’s mother, the ice broke. Joseph was welcomed back, along with my nephew. I can’t say Sarah’s been exactly welcomed into the family yet, but she is tolerated. And hopefully with more time, toleration will turn into a real welcome.
Sarah’s doing well as a mother. And Joseph is like a giddy youngster around the baby. They’re living in a small home close to his folks’ property so he can go back and forth easily to do the farming. I know Sarah had hoped to live in their daadi haus, but that hasn’t happened. Yet.
I hold out hope for all things.
My outlook on life and love and God and everything has grown more positive with each day of Emmy’s life. I suppose I shouldn’t phrase it like that. In fact, it’s probably not right to feel that way, but there it is. Her birth made all things right.
Amish Romance: Annie's Story: Three Book Box Set Page 16
