I didn’t stir. I sat there with him still buried in me as the limo continued to move toward what I assumed was his home.
He began to rub my back and he kissed my neck.
“That was...”
I put a finger up to shush him. “Don’t talk. You’ll ruin the moment.”
“Yes, ma’am,” was all he said, and I smiled. He wrapped his arms around and me and said, “So does this mean you’re spending the night?”
“If you’ll have me.”
“I can’t imagine anything better.”
He surprised me then by tilting my head up. “This time... I would like to wake up next to you. Deal?”
I shrugged. “We’ll see.”
He frowned. “You know, I do have some handcuffs somewhere. I can handcuff you to the bed.”
I was feeling wanton. “Oh really? Kinky.”
He squeezed my bare behind. “Seriously. Tell me that you’ll stay.”
Something about his voice was vulnerable and his eyes held an emotion that I wasn’t ready to identify.
I buried my head in his neck and said, “I’ll stay.”
He wrapped his arms around me. I was cognizant of the fact that he was getting hard again and I was getting wet again.
I kissed him long and hard. “Round two?” I said as I began moving my hips.
“Yes, please,” was all he said as I slowly began again to make love to him.
The next morning, the spray of the shower cascaded down my back and front. I couldn’t help but think yet again how fancy Magnus’s shower was. There were shower heads positioned strategically on several walls which meant no matter where I turned, the warmth of the water caressed my body. His shower was pure luxury and I loved every minute of it.
Seconds later, Magnus peaked in. “Care if I join you?”
I don’t know why I felt shy, but I did. We’d spent the entire night making love. I’d let him do things to me that I’d never done with another man, things I’d only read about but never experienced. I’d done all those things plus more with Magnus. But under the moonlight, it hadn’t been any big deal. It was almost as if nothing at night was real, but in the harsh judging light of the day, I felt differently. I felt exposed.
Maybe I was some sort of sex werewolf, I thought nonsensically. I turned into a wanton, sex goddess at night, but was a prude in the light of day.
Trying to sound confident but failing, I said, “Sure.”
He stepped in with me and I tried to ignore his cock, which was partially erect and getting harder by the minute.
He stepped up behind me and gathered some soap in his hand.
“Do you want me to wash your back?”
“Sure.”
Apparently, my morning vocabulary was limited to just saying sure.
His warm hands slid across my shoulders and I sighed.
“God, your hands feel good.”
He chuckled and when he was done he pulled me back into his arms and just held me. I knew I should have been comfortable and felt relaxed, but for some reason I was tense.
As if noticing, he let me go and said, “Is something wrong?”
“No.”
I busied myself by reaching for a loofah.
He didn’t say anything and I turned around to look at him. He was looking at me with a resigned look.
“Do you want me to get out?”
“No. This is your home, your shower. You have every right to be here.”
He didn’t say a word and I pretended he wasn’t standing there as I began to lather myself. “I’m making you uncomfortable. I’ll get out.”
I didn’t respond, I just let him leave. And when the shower door closed, I gave a sigh of relief. But then I quickly felt disappointment. My emotions when it came to Magnus were so conflicted. I didn’t know what I wanted. And clearly, he wasn’t happy with that.
I grabbed a robe that I found hanging up and didn’t bother looking for anything to wear. I figured Magnus would let me borrow a t-shirt and shorts.
I found him in the kitchen, making toast.
To my surprise he didn’t acknowledge my presence. He didn’t even look at me.
“You hogged all the toast?” I asked, attempting to make my tone light. I could tell the mood between us had changed. And I knew that was my fault.
“I didn’t think you would be interested in sticking around for breakfast,” he said succinctly, standing up to go to the refrigerator. He pulled out some orange juice and drank it straight from the jug. He wiped his mouth off with the back of his hand and sat back down and kept eating.
I stood there awkwardly, not knowing how to act or what to say. I didn’t know why, but I felt out of place.
“Why’d you agree to spend the night?” he asked, catching me by surprise with his question.
“What?”
“Why did you agree to spend the night?”
“You asked me to,” I said, meeting his eyes and seeing regret there.
For some reason, that hurt me. He regretted what happened between us?
“I don’t understand you, Lesli,” he said gruffly.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I said more testily than I’d intended. Great. I was already getting on the defensive.
“You know what I mean. We spent all night making love to each other, but yet you treat me like a stranger in the morning. We’re friends. At least I thought we were and we’ve been lovers several times over, but yet I still make you uncomfortable?”
I shrugged and avoided his eyes. “It’s not you—”
“Then what is it?”
I didn’t know what to say. What was my problem? Why was I always pushing Magnus away?
“Are you going to answer me?”
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I said truthfully, finally meeting his eyes again. “I don’t know why I keep pushing you away Magnus. I really don’t. But does it really matter? We’re two different people from two different walks of life.”
“What does that have to do with anything?” He narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms.
“Everything,” I said shortly.
“Explain.” His tone was equally curt.
“What don’t you understand? We’re from two different worlds. I grew up poor in a state no one even thinks of visiting and you grew up rich in a cool, international city. I’m a just a geeky girl who never fit in anywhere and you’re Florida’s most eligible bachelor. Come on, Magnus. Admit it. We’re too different.”
“Too different for what?”
“To make this work.”
“You haven’t even given us a chance.”
“There’s no need. I already know how it will turn out in the end. I’m not your kind—”
“My kind? What the hell are you talking about, Lesli? Is the chip on your shoulder really that big?”
I instantly tensed up. “Yes, yes, it is. If you grew up how I did—”
“And how exactly did you grow up? Because it sounds to me like you had a great childhood. That you grew up with people who loved you and encouraged you to be whoever you wanted to be. So spare me the sob story. You’re just making excuses. The only one who feels like you don’t belong is you.”
His words hit deep. He read me too well and that was scary. I was used to being the outcast. I was used to being the one that didn’t fit in. Was I creating that reality here in Florida? Had I been the one to create that reality in school? Had I really been the problem this whole time? Me?
I couldn’t refute his words, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t be angry.
“You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about me. So please stop trying to psychoanalyze me.”
“Trust me. I wouldn’t even try. I don’t have a millennium to figure out why you refuse to be happy.”
“Are you done?” I said, securing the belt of the robe around my waist with shaky hands.
“No, I’m not.”
“Well, I’m done listening.” I marched back i
nto his bedroom and resigned myself to wearing the seventies costume I had come in the night before.
To my surprise, Magnus followed.
“So that’s it then? You’re just going to leave.”
“Apparently, you just want to fight. I’m not in the mood for fighting, so yes, I’m going to leave.”
He shook his head. “I care about you, Lesli. More than you realize, but for the life of me I can’t figure you out.”
I ignored him as I began to get dressed. The room was tense with emotion and I could feel it in the air. It made me decidedly uncomfortable.
“I’m just asking for a chance. I feel like I’m always begging you or chasing you.”
“Then stop begging me. Stop chasing me,” I said viciously. I was getting frustrated, not with Magnus but with myself.
“I can’t. It’s not that easy for me.”
“It’s not that easy for you to stop chasing someone who doesn’t want anything to do with you?” My comment was a low blow. I knew it was nasty, but I felt like an injured animal and I was just lashing out, rather than face being hurt.
He called me on it. “Stop lashing out and just talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in your head.”
“I don’t want to talk. I’m just not interested in this—” I gestured toward him.
“Not interested in what?”
“A relationship. You. All of it. Ok? That’s it. Can we just leave it alone now?”
“No.”
“Why not?” I said, turning on him angrily.
He said softly, “Because, against my better judgment, I’ve fallen for you, Lesli.”
I felt like my whole world had shifted out of focus. My eyes became blurred by tears and a million emotions welled up inside me.
“I got to go,” was all I was able to say.
“Aren’t you going to acknowledge what I just said?”
I laughed harshly and said, “You’ve fallen for me, but you’ve been dating my friend. Ok. Likely story.”
“You know my relationship with Violet was just friendly. I was just a placeholder while she waited for her boyfriend to see her with a rich dude on the news.”
“My heart goes out to you,” I said again in a nasty tone. I got my bag and stomped out toward the door.
“Lesli, come on... just talk to me. Stop running from me. Tell me what you’re thinking. Tell me what you’re feeling. I know you care about me.”
I had my hand on his doorknob when I felt his hand on my shoulder. I wanted to turn around and tell him that I felt the same way, that I wanted something to happen between us too, but I was scared. I was too scared of being happy. I was scared that if I let him into my heart, he would find a reason to leave me. And I didn’t know if I could handle that.
“Lesli, don’t leave. I love you.”
And with those words, my next action was sealed. I couldn’t accept Magnus’s love. I was too afraid. I was too afraid that one day he would stop loving me and take those very words back.
And so without a word of acknowledgment, I turned the knob and left. I shut the door behind me and slowly made my way to the elevator. I prayed that he wouldn’t follow me and he didn’t.
As I stepped into the elevator, I placed my head against the wall and let the tears fall. And as the elevator doors shut, so did the future I had that would contain love.
Chapter Twelve
I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t want to face Lacey and Jude or the questions I knew she would have for me. Instead, I called Oliver and he welcomed me.
I sat in his garden just thinking about my life and everything I’d been through recently with the “Magnus Situation” when Oliver decided to join me.
“You’re one contemplative lady today.”
I sighed. “Yeah.”
“Care to share?”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me. No, come on. I might be old and weathered, but I know a thing or two about affairs of the heart.”
I looked at Oliver’s face. He had more wrinkles now than I remembered, but he seemed so happy. I knew it was because of Kat now in his life. They had instantly hit it off and I knew they were talking about marriage, but Kat valued her freedom and wasn’t interested. I heard that Oliver respected her decision, so maybe he’d understand my dilemma, even though I was the one running, while he was the one who wanted the relationship.
“I just don’t know what I want out of life anymore. All I’ve been good at is school. It’s all I’ve ever done well. I moved to Florida to try something different. I came to Florida and I got what I wanted. A different life. Adventure.”
“And you’re upset about that?”
“Yes,” I sighed in frustration. “No. I just—life is more complicated now. I’ve been defined by being the smart girl. The geek. The nerd. But here, I’m just me... but I don’t know how to be just me.”
“It really sucks when people accept you for who you are and don’t put a label on you, doesn’t it?” he joked.
I gave a harsh chuckle. “I’m having an identity crisis and I’m only twenty-three.”
He shrugged and crossed his ankles. “Better than having one at fifty. Trust me. I know from experience.”
“Oh, Oliver, what am I going to do with my life?”
“How about you just stop overanalyzing everything?”
“What?”
“You’re a smart young lady. You and Lacey are a lot alike, you know?”
I shook my head. “She’s a sassy, determined, take no prisoners, type of girl. I’m more of a fall in line and do whatever comes next type of girl.”
“You don’t give yourself enough credit. Sometimes you just need to let go and let life happen.”
I looked at him again. He was wearing a plain t-shirt with a rainbow-colored Toucan on the front. He had on neon yellow shorts that were threadbare and a pair of gold running shoes. He was also wearing red-tinted sunglasses that resembled the ones Jerry Garcia always wore.
“I wish I could be more like you, Oliver. More carefree, less uptight.”
“You’re not uptight.”
“That’s what everyone at school thought.”
“You’re not in school anymore.”
He was so right. I wasn’t Lesli, the little girl who didn’t belong.
I was just plain Lesli. And hadn’t that been enough? I’d made friends: Violet and Maya. Just being Lesli was enough for them. Everyone at work liked me. No one else cared about my IQ or anything. They just liked me for me. Magnus liked me. He accepted me for who I was and instead of embracing that, I’d fought it. Even when I realized how I felt about him, I’d fought those emotions.
My rejection of Magnus had nothing to do with him or his stature in life. It had everything to do with my insecurities. I couldn’t love someone else if I didn’t even know how to accept myself. And that was the problem. Magnus wasn’t the problem. He loved me.
But I didn’t believe him, because I didn’t really love me. If I couldn’t accept myself, then how did I think someone else would accept and love me for me?
“Do you think I should talk to him?”
“Him?” Oliver pretended to not know what I was talking about. Typical Oliver.
“You know... Magnus.”
“Why not? That’s all up to you.”
I nodded. “Thanks for listening, Oliver. I appreciate it. You really helped me figure out some really confusing things.”
He patted my hand. “Life is confusing. I get it. Half the time I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”
I had to laugh. “You’re great, Oliver. You really are. Thanks for everything.”
“Anytime, my dear.” He stood up then and said, “Care to join me for lunch? Kat is making a salad. She promises that it’ll be the most delicious salad known to man. It’s probably just going to be lettuce and tomatoes, but I’m determined to pretend it’s delicious and exotic.”
My first inclination was to say no, but I thought better of it. “
Why not? Lead the way.”
The next day, I drove to the studio where the final episode of Brain Pain’s charity event was supposed to be filmed. Oliver had insisted I use one of the cars in his garage. There had been at least five of them, and so I had selected the smallest and least expensive. A Mercedes SUV. I felt so pretentious as I handed the keys to the valet.
Inside, the set was just as busy as before. The host looked calm and relaxed sitting in a lounge chair watching the chaos unfold.
The production assistant Celeste saw me and came right toward me. “It’s about time you got here. Where’s your partner?”
“I don't know. He’s normally early. I’m not sure where he is.”
“Aren’t you guys a couple?”
“What? No.”
“Oh. You two act like a couple, I figured that you were together. Well, you know what they say about assumptions....” She let her voice trail off as she led me to my spot.
Dr. Joseph was there with her partner. They were exactly where they needed to be. Only Magnus was missing. I started getting nervous. Maybe he wouldn’t show up. Maybe he hated me so much for how I’d treated him that he was just going to throw the championship.
All those thoughts and more passed through my head before I squashed them. No, Magnus wouldn’t do that. No matter how much I messed up, he wasn’t selfish. He wouldn’t jeopardize Ophelia’s Angels’ chance at a million dollars. Magnus was too good a guy to do that.
The production team was giving me a hard time and now people were making phone calls when suddenly Magnus showed up with his personal assistant trailing behind. “He’s here. Let’s get started,” said the personal assistant breathlessly.
“Where were you?” I immediately asked.
He ignored me. “Why does it matter to you?”
“You’re my partner,” I said. “You matter to me.”
He didn’t answer me. He just ignored me. I figured I deserved that.
And then, we were on. “Welcome back to Brain Pain. And if you’re just joining us. We have with us our four finalists from last week’s episode, Magnus and Lesli from Ophelia’s Angels and Alexandra and Pete from Cycle Psychos. Alexandra and Pete, what would winning today mean to you?”
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