I shook my head and smirked, feeling a little annoyed Brody appeared so together and was getting laid when I wasn’t. “Dana and I sleep in the same bed, Gray. You think my dick doesn’t know that? It won’t leave me alone until it gets a good thrashing. Get some sleep, we got a long day ahead tomorrow, and for fuck’s sake order a bigger lunch to go. I’m not going another day where I have to play referee between you and the horny little shit you kicked out earlier.”
Opening the door, he asked, “What are you still doing here? He’s serious, man. You’re not going back in there tonight. Get the fuck up on your feet and go back to your own room.” Surge followed Brody into the hallway and the door slammed behind them. Instantly the room fell silent.
After picking up the empty plates and pizza boxes, I placed them on the side, and stripped out of my clothes. I took a leak, brushed my teeth and slipped into bed. Switching the light off, I rolled onto my back and tried to focus as my eyes adjusted in the darkness. I lay there with the feeling something or someone was missing. I sighed deeply, spreading my arm over the empty space where Phoebe had once laid. I was too tired to think for very long except to mull over what Brody had said. Before I’d arrived at any firm conclusion about Phoebe or Hettie I fell asleep.
****
The hotel phone buzzed with my wake-up call, dragging me out from a deep sleep. Fuck. It was seven in the morning and it felt like the dead of night. It looked that way too when I pulled the blackout curtains back and looked out of the hotel room window. I knew our bus was collecting us at 8:00 am. Ordering some eggs, bacon and toast, I quickly hit the shower so I’d be ready by the time my food arrived. My timing was as good at getting ready, as at my guitar playing, because my food arrived at the door as I was doing up my zipper. I grabbed my cell from the charger and saw a message from Phoebe.
Pheebs: Just landed. Thanks for everything.
Without thinking I typed anytime then deleted it. That wasn’t true or she’d still be here.
Me: It’s me that should be thanking you. You are an awesome person.
It looked cold even though I was thanking her and admitting she was awesome. I wondered if she thought, ‘if I am all those things why am I not still there?’ Why the fuck am I even thinking about her in those terms? “Sort your fucking head out, Gray,” I mumbled to myself as I stuffed my phone in my pocket, and slumped down in front of my food. After I ate, I left the room for our daily promotion appointments.
Somehow thoughts of Phoebe were lost during the rest of that week. One band promotion rolled into another and I had little to no energy. We were playing live on TV, jumping straight into the van, then an hour later we were interviewed at some hick radio station. After that it was playing at shopping malls, and doing photo opportunities. By the time Friday came around my jaw was aching from smiling so much and I was pissed off, restless, and horny.
My irritability came from Hettie’s silence and by the Thursday I was pissed off all over again with how I’d handled her, and I wondered if she’d even call me at all. Despite all my frustrations it was the break from women I needed. It was after lunchtime that day when her text arrived.
Hettie: JoeJoe’s 6pm?
Me: Sure.
The instant I saw her text my mood lifted. Tension in my shoulders I’d been carrying dissipated. I didn’t realize how much stress waiting had made me feel until it wasn’t there anymore. After her text the rest of the afternoon appeared to drag on, although I was thankful for that as I tried to think of what I’d say to her to change things between us. I had little expectations for our dinner, but thought if we managed to capture some of the effortless conversation we used to have, it would be a start.
Entering the diner, I felt her watching me before I even turned in the direction of the booth. She was in our booth again, I noted. Walking casually with my hands in my pockets, I smiled easily and slid into the seat opposite her.
“Hey,” I said greeting her and reached out, squeezing the hand she’d left resting on the table.
“Hey, to you too,” she mimicked and gave me a tight, unsure smile.
“You look beautiful,” I said, smiling back at her.
“You too,” she replied.
I smirked, exhaling sharply, not knowing how to answer that without sounding sleazy or cheesy.
“Are you happy to stay here or do you want to go somewhere else for dinner?”
“Food was excellent here before. Any reason why that should have changed?
“Well, it’s been a while since I had a really great burger.”
“Me too,” she agreed.
We ordered our food and she casually filled me in on all the drama from the day she left her apartment to live with her sister. It sounded like she had left her boyfriend for the right reasons which were nothing to do with me. Glancing at me as she finished, she quickly added she wasn’t looking for anything with me. Her face flushed when she said it because prior to her statement she’d been checking me out at every opportunity. I could tell she still wanted me. I could feel it. The air was almost crackling with electricity between us, yet somehow, I managed to ignore it and keep talking.
“Do you have plans tomorrow?” I wondered what we’d do if she said yes.
“That depends on what you have in mind,” she replied, sounding like she was playing hard to get.
I said the first thing that entered my head. “A lazy morning on the beach and maybe drinks in the evening?”
“I meant longer term, Gray. I’m not twenty-three anymore. I’m not into casual flings like I used to be. I said I wasn’t looking for anything, which is true. I’m not. I’m looking for something. We’re not college kids now. Do you think I want to go back to that? To meaningless arrangements to satisfy a physical need when I’m at an age where I deserve more. If I just wanted to fuck someone I had Harris for that. I’ve just walked away from him because I need more. I’ve been debating all week whether to come to dinner or not. Nothing has changed between us apart from the fact we’re older.”
I stared her down in an awkward silence. Slightly stunned by the heavy vibe. Hettie’s demanding tone, and pressing question made me freeze. I still had nothing more to give. We were the same as before, except this time, I had to tell her face-to-face, that although I liked her a lot, and wanted to stay at that table with her forever, I couldn’t. Even after all this time, and everything I felt for her, I knew I’d never wanted her more, but I wasn’t sure if I could jump into something I couldn’t jump out of if it didn’t work.
When she suddenly put that kind of pressure on what I could offer, it left me confused. I hadn’t considered a long-term relationship that I could commit to with anyone when I looked her up. What did I think would happen? The thought that I didn’t even know my own mind scared the hell out of me. Hettie’s life hadn’t turned out the way she wanted, but I wasn’t ready to pick up where her partner, Harris, left off. And she shouldn’t want me to. I’d always felt I wanted to see her again, but had no idea what I felt for her. All I knew was my heart squeezed hard every time I saw her, and ached when I left. When I was unable to define what that meant, it made me freak.
“Hettie, I’m sorry, this was a mistake. I should have left well alone. I’m not able to offer more. If anything my life is even messier since my college days. I’m here now and who knows where I’ll be in the future? I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel unsettled. I shouldn’t have behaved like a dick and raked up the past.”
“So that’s it? Just like last time? You slide in and slide out again, if you’ll excuse the analogy. You’re right, Gray, you are a dick. Nothing about you has changed. You’re still as selfish as you were back then. I guess this exercise has been worthwhile in a way, at least we both know for sure it would never have worked.” My heart stung with those words but I figured she was right, but when I heard how resigned she sounded my stomach felt heavy. I didn’t want this to be the end of what we had, but I had to be guided by her feelings becaus
e I had no idea what mine meant.
Signaling the waitress for the check, Hettie reached into her purse and from her action it was clear our night was over, but I was damned if I was allowing her to pay for her food.
“Don’t. Just because we’re not together doesn’t mean we can’t be civil with one another, does it?” I reasoned, staring her down to let her know I cared about her; that what happened between us previously had meant something to me.
Hettie sighed, “Sure, why not? It’s not your fault I wasted the past few years of my life. At least you were flat out honest about your intentions,” she commented bitterly, and made me feel worse. Her expectations hadn’t been met by her boyfriend and I felt sad about that for her. In the scheme of things, she’d been with him for years and if what she’d told me was true, she had every right to feel the way she did about him. I didn’t feel guilty that I didn’t give her more because we’d only had five weeks. That was no time at all to know someone. Anyone can be who they want to be for five weeks, and for a few seconds I considered the possibility that maybe I didn’t know her as well as I thought I had.
A stony silence fell as we left the restaurant and another awkward pause stretched between us. I watched her closely and I waited to see what she would say next. She adjusted the strap for her purse on her shoulder and looked down at her shoes, clearly uncomfortable with the exchange we’d had inside. I stood quietly, allowing her time to collect her thoughts and hoped whatever she said next, I’d have an appropriate response to it.
Suddenly, she looked up and her eyes locked with mine. I watched her swallow as she bit her bottom lip. After a short time, her gaze slowly lowered from mine and focused on my mouth. She licked and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth. When she bit her lip that way, it reminded me of an image I had played over in my mind more times than I could count. It was an unconscious gesture of hers and I always got hard whenever she did it. My response was no different to those thoughts as we stood there on the sidewalk.
For a few seconds, I wanted to grab her, shove her against the nearest wall and grind against her while kissing her like I was taking my last breath, to show her I still felt something. I was so physically attracted to her I could hardly breathe when she was near me. But I couldn’t be like that with Hettie. I wasn’t able to take what I wanted that time. Instead of making a move on her, I reached out and pulled her into my chest instead.
She offered no resistance to my warm hug. I was surprised when her hands came around my waist. She clutched at my T-shirt, bunching it tightly in her fist, and my heart ached with desperation to have more of her. With her face pressed close to my chest I felt her ribs expand pushing her breasts harder against me as she took a deep breath with her head resting over my heart. I dipped my head closer to hers, inhaling her scent, and felt my head fill with desire. A lustful crave to have her made me swallow noisily when her curves molded into my body and the temptation to taste her was almost unbearable.
Had it been any other girl I’d have been on her like a tick on a dog’s back, but knew I couldn’t be that selfish…we weren’t those young people sharing a bed, so dropped my hands and stepped back. To move in on her would have either insulted her or taken advantage of her vulnerable state, and if she’d let me inside in a moment of weakness I was sure she’d regret it later.
The loss of warmth from her hot little body sent a shiver down my spine and as quickly as Hettie seemed receptive to me I watched her close down again. “Well I’d better get home. Thanks for looking me up, Gray. It was…interesting to see you again. I hope your band is a huge success in the US,” she said with another forced smile.
She hugged herself, as if the experience of our embrace had affected her in the same way as it had me, then glanced over her shoulder at the oncoming traffic. At that moment an empty cab came toward us and she turned her body and ran in the direction of it, waving frantically for him to stop. Before I caught up with her she was seated inside and had closed the door. I tried to think of something to say but nothing came to mind and for a moment I thought she was waiting for me to say my piece, but I couldn’t think of damn thing.
“Bye, Gray. Good luck,” without waiting for a response she informed the driver where she wanted to go and in the blink of an eye I watched her leave.
Hettie’s rear cab lights burned in two soft orange glows in the distance. I stood with my hands in my pockets, and wondered if all my relationships with women were destined to be rocky. Kicking the curb, I looked back in the direction of her cab one last time but it was gone. I tipped my head skyward, and glanced at the tall hotel building before I sighed deeply and headed inside.
When I reached my hotel suite, I was glad for the solitude. I wasn’t in the mood to be sociable. I stripped off my clothes and took a quick shower. My heart still burned with desire and it had taken all I had not to pull her out of that cab and carry her up to my room. It wasn’t like I could switch off a craving that had lasted years in a matter of minutes. Hettie was so alluring, despite her comments about her needs. My brain felt tight, like a band of pressure gripped my head and I had a cramping pain in my guts. I hated the feeling.
When I closed my eyes, all I could see was her face. Grabbing the soft towel from the hot rail, I rubbed vigorously at my skin, feeling the same knot in my stomach and an ache in my heart. Thinking I’d finally closed the door on my time with her left me feeling depressed.
“Yeah?” I called out as I padded slowly toward the suite door when I heard a knock. Looking through the spy hole while drying my hair, I half expected to see Caleb. When I saw Hettie’s tearful face on the other side of the door, I hurried to open it.
Without saying a word, she stepped forward and slapped her hands on my chest while mine rose to land on her hips. I wanted to respond in kind but a sixth sense made me wait; to leave her in the driving seat. Pushing me backward as she strutted into the room, she oozed confidence and I noticed the sexual hunger that flashed in her stormy brown eyes. When my calves hit the back of my bed, I let her push me backward. I landed face up on the mattress; my towel opening and falling away from my hips. Suddenly her eyes were everywhere, unashamedly taking me in.
My face, my chest, my dick. When her eyes glanced up from my dick to my face she licked her lips, pain flitting through them, like she wanted to eat me alive but hated that she wanted to. Her chest heaved with effort as she tried to resist her instincts. If I’m honest so did mine. We both knew the moment our eyes met, and after she’d made the first move, the next one was mine.
Chapter 13
Penetrating stare ~ Hettie
What the fuck am I doing? Poor guy. All those years between us and I came on like some bunny boiling psycho. What the hell was I thinking? I can’t let this be the end of us. Even if we never saw each other again, the last thing I want is him thinking I was the desperado I had made myself out to be at dinner.
Of course the cab driver rolled his eyes when I had asked him to take me back in the direction we had just left. Dropping me off at Gray’s hotel, I wasn’t sure how he’d respond or if he’d respond at all. I couldn’t even be sure he was in his room. What if he hasn’t come back? Then what do I do?
Adrenaline fueled my body with every step I took toward to his room. My mind was a mess, torn between wanting to punch him and hug him. Feeling my heart in my mouth, my breaths quickened as anxiety sent cascading ripples of anticipation through every blood vessel in my body. My legs felt weak, lactic acid building with every step as my breathing labored while my lungs tried to take in enough air. Several times I inhaled sharply, waiting for the nerves to settle, but they wouldn’t.
What if he lied and the girl is still with him? I talked myself out of that, fighting back the lie he told me the last day in college as I stood in front of the heavy, dark wood door of suite fourteen-twenty-seven. Raising my hand I hesitated, knowing full well if I knocked I would open old wounds that may crush my already scarred heart, and I’d drown in self-pity a
fterward.
Nothing could have stopped me from knocking my fist against the door, my knuckles drawing a dull hollow sound from the wood as I waited for long seconds to pass. My heart beat faster, the pulse amplified to the point where I felt the slight distraction in my neck. I didn’t hear him approach on the other side, but somehow, I knew he was there, watching me.
Even though I had been the one to set the scene, he still took me by surprise when a moment later the door opened wide. If I had thought I was struggling to breathe before, the sight of the beautiful man that set my heart on fire, took the wind clean out of me. He stood in the open doorway, bare- chested, as a few water droplets dropped from his wet hair to his dry chest. They sat like crystals against his newly tanned skin. He wore nothing but a heavy, white towel slung low on his hips, and his smile when he saw me almost suffocated me.
Despite feeling breathless, my instinct took over and I shoved him backward into his room. The only thought in my head was I wanted him badly. He could have mistaken my lust for frustration, but it was pure unadulterated desire and need that had led me back to him. I was desperate for the physical connection we once had between us even if it was only for one last time. It was my last chance to know if he had any real feelings for me.
Looking up into his eyes, I could see he took me seriously. His questioning, probing look from when he initially saw me morphed into the same penetrating stare of desire I recalled, while a sexy half smile tugged at his beautiful plump lips.
My fingers clasped around a strap pushing it off my shoulder and my purse dropped to the floor. The dull thud sounded like a full stop, ending any doubts I had about being there. Gray lay with his arms casually down by his sides where he’d fallen on the bed, his beautiful, hard body fully on display for my perusal. His cock rested, semi-interested, across his right thigh, and his intense, watchful eyes followed my every move.
Flicking the spaghetti straps of my dress off my shoulders, I pulled it down exposing my breasts, and from how Gray’s dark pupils swallowed his irises whole, I knew he was done. Reaching up as I leaned over him, he grabbed a firm breast in each hand, bringing his mouth up to meet them as his tongue flicked hungrily from one to the other. The sensation made my head swim, but before I could accept what he was doing he pulled me down on top of him and rolled me over onto my back. Rising naked above me, he smiled affectionately before it faded and his eyes darkened, focusing seriously on our perfect moment of surrender.
Notes On Love Page 13
