by Darren Shan
I ran my fingers along the spine of the file. Her eyes grew round as she realized I meant to confront him. “Run!” she gasped. “Run away with me. It’s the only way. We can call that driver friend of yours and—”
“No,” I said. “Where would we go? Where couldn’t he find us? And what sort of a life would it be, living in fear and doubt? Remember telling me you couldn’t bear the present, not knowing about your past?”
“But we have each other now,” she said. “We can build a future together.”
“But we’d still obsess about the past.”
“He’ll kill you.” She switched tack. “If you go down there, you’re dead.”
“Probably. But if that line through my name means what we know it does, I’m dead anyway. This way I go down fighting. I don’t have to wait for Paucar Wami to sneak up behind me in the dark.”
“But you can run,” she hissed. “You don’t have to fight. There’s a chance.”
“There was never a chance,” I said sadly. “Not when we came here and openly defied The Cardinal. We came to find the truth. We made our choice. Now we’ve got to die with it. At least I do. Your name’s untarnished. He doesn’t want your head yet. Go home. Forget about me, The Cardinal, all this. Try and live a normal life. You might still be able to.”
“I’m coming with you,” she said. “I’ve come this far, I might as well—”
“No.” My voice was as firm as my resolve. “This is my last stand. I’m going there tonight to face the end. I’ll kill him or he’ll kill me, and that’ll be that. This is my battle, Ama. You might face your own later, but not tonight. Not here, now, with me.”
“What will you say to him?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I might not get a chance to say anything. If I do, I’ll probably ask what this is about, what the list is, who we are, who we were. Maybe he’ll tell me before I die.”
“I’ll ask one final time,” she said, pulling away and glaring at me. She was shaking and there were tears in her eyes. “Come with me. Leave The Cardinal, your job, this city. Make a life with me somewhere else.”
“There is nowhere else,” I said slowly. I touched her one last time, her face, her nose, her lips. “He’s everywhere, Ama.” I tapped my head. “He’s in here. I can’t run from him any more than I could run from myself.”
“Then fuck you, Capac,” she sobbed, and fled, never looking back. I almost ran after her. My heart almost won the day and I opened my mouth to shout, “Stop, wait, I’m coming!”
Almost.
But I couldn’t abandon the mystery. I was destined to face him, provoked by nature and instinct. Having come this far, there could be no going back. I let my mouth close and watched her flee, listening to the fading sounds of her feet.
After a time I resumed my descent, concentrating, not thinking of Ama or the fragility of life. Thinking about the woman and the other faces I could dredge up from my obscure past. There were lots of kids in school uniforms or gym clothes, running around, climbing ropes, playing ball. I had a whistle in my mouth and then I was kissing the woman and then I was at a funeral and then I was laughing and then Iwas…
Then I was there.
His secretary tried to stop me. She said he was asleep and could never be disturbed when sleeping. I pushed past her. She tried to sidetrack me but I shoved her to the floor. She scrabbled to the intercom to warn The Cardinal or summon the Troops. I didn’t care. It was too late in the day to worry about secrecy.
He was asleep on a bare mattress in the middle of the room. Curled up like a boy or a dog, snoring lightly, face twitching from one dark dream or another. Hatred and disgust swept through me. An overwhelming desire seized me and, crazy though it was, I stamped across the room, stood above him, drew back my right foot and kicked him in the gut.
“Wakey-wakey, motherfucker!” I shouted, laughing in spite of myself. I’d gone over the edge and fallen into the abyss of madness which Paucar Wami was so interested in.
The Cardinal’s eyes shot open and he rolled away from me, surged to his feet and staggered for a few seconds, blinking sleep from his eyes. As soon as he focused on me, his mouth foamed and he shook with rage.
“Got your attention?” I smiled. “Good. Now I want to know exactly what—”
I got no further. He was on me, roaring, an enraged panther, striking to kill. I discarded the Ayuamarca file and met his charge. We clashed like colliding trains, screaming, kicking, punching and tearing at each other. His nails scratched my face and narrowly missed my eyes. He got his head close to mine and bit into my left ear, drawing blood, almost choking on it. I punched his stomach repeatedly, hoping to break a rib and puncture a lung.
When his head slipped, I bit for his jugular. It was slippery and my teeth slid off his neck, so I was forced to settle for his meaty shoulder. He ripped chunks of my hair out and beat my back. I spat into his eyes. Raised my arms and struck the upper part of his body, hitting his nose, his cheeks, cracking his lips. He kicked my shins and knees. My legs buckled and I nearly went down. He got two fingers up my nostrils, while I got one in his ear. We pushed at each other for a few seconds, trying to force our way through the orifices to the brains within.
As our initial fury faded, we broke and circled each other warily, panting, drooling, hunched offensively, eyes narrow and focused. He was surprised that I was still on my feet. Not many men had fought The Cardinal like this and lived so long. I knew he’d respect my strength. It wouldn’t stop him from killing me but it might stop him from pissing on my corpse.
He ended the standoff and charged, bellowing like a bull, head down, looking to smash me into the wall. I skipped out of his way but only just—he caught my side with his head and I felt something in my rib cage snap.
He was on me as quickly as he could turn. Which wasn’t quickly enough. I threw myself at him and slammed my knee up between his legs. If I’d connected, I’d have driven his balls through his brains and the contest would have been over, but he brought his thighs together in time and trapped my knee just short of its mark. It made him scream in pain, but it wasn’t the killer blow that I’d hoped for.
His fingers sought my eyes, thumbs pressing into the bones of my cheeks. I chopped at his throat and his breath caught. He withdrew slightly and I pushed after him, seizing the initiative, chopping again at his neck and arms. He lashed out with both fists, one aimed at my stomach, the other at my face. I moved quickly and blocked one of the incoming fists. The other smashed my nose to a pulp. Blood spurted everywhere, into my eyes and mouth, blinding and gagging me. I staggered away and shook my head, trying to draw air. The Cardinal gave a roar of triumph and came after me, fingers stretched to strangle, sure of the kill.
I had one last move. Gathering all the strength my battered body could muster, I swung my right leg up in a final blind kick. I couldn’t see where I was aiming but knew the general region I wanted to strike. I caught him in the testicles with the full weight of my foot, clean and vicious. Beautiful. He screamed breathlessly and fell back, rocking, whimpering.
Before I could crawl after him, the door crashed open and several Troops raced in, guns leveled, fingers squeezing triggers. A few shots narrowly missed me, shrieking by my ears and striking the wall. I collapsed and waited for the end.
“Stop!” The Cardinal roared, and the firing ceased instantly. “Get the fuck out of here,” he snarled. “Go!” he shouted when they hesitated, and they fled, closing the door behind them. I’d been spared death by firing squad again. It was getting to be a habit, one I wasn’t in any rush to break.
“Before I rip your throat out,” The Cardinal panted, shuffling gingerly around the room, “perhaps you’d like to tell me what this is about. Why the fuck did you come here tonight?”
“Recognize this?” I wiped blood away from my face, stumbled over to the mattress and picked up the abandoned sheaf of papers. “ Ayuamarca? All those non-people with lines through their names? The line through mine? Ring a bell?”
/>
He sneered. “Some people are never satisfied. I gave you all you wanted—money, women, power. I spared your life and offered you this city. How do you repay me? You fuck some bitch on my stairs, plot behind my back, break into my castle and ransack my most private files. Ever hear of gratitude ? ”
“Why is my name crossed out?” I shouted. “Why are you going to kill me? What’s happened to Adrian and Y Tse? Who are—”
“Stop! ” he screamed, baying like a hound. “Always fucking questions! I tell you not to question me, not to probe, and what do you do? On and on like a parrot.”
“Who am I?” I demanded. “Why am I on this list? Where did I come from? Where did you find me? Why don’t I have a past? Where does Ama fit in? How do you make people vanish? How did you make Leonora forget Y Tse?” I spat out the questions as fast as I could, striding forward, jabbing a finger at him, until I was close enough to jab his chest. “Who am I? What have you done with my past? How are you—?”
He began to shake. His face trembled and his lips drew back over his teeth. His hands clenched and unclenched. His head swiveled, the bones of his neck creaking as he flexed them. He wanted to attack. He was building up for an onslaught so psychotic and fierce, I knew I couldn’t withstand it. I’d reached my physical limits but The Cardinal, it seemed, was just warming up. I was years younger but I couldn’t match him. Leonora had called it right—he was superhuman.
But he didn’t want to attack. He wanted me alive, at least a while longer. He tried to control his rage. He placed his hands on his head and squeezed so hard I thought his skull would shatter under the strain. His face was red and his nostrils dilated wide enough to deliver a calf. He turned away, looking for something to vent his fury on. His eyes were bulging. They settled on his large chair, the one he enjoyed lying back in when entertaining visitors. He picked it up and tossed it at the reinforced window that had been built to stop bullets. The glass splintered under the force of The Cardinal’s missile and flew out into the night in a thousand pieces, down into the black unknown of thecity.
He was calmer after that.
He brushed a hand through his hair, stroked his cheeks and began to breathe normally. Walked over to the window, examined the damage and tutted. “If only I’d thrown that chair at you, Mr. Raimi, I’d have saved myself the embarrassment of an ignominious stalemate and, of more immediate concern, would still have had something to sit on. Good chairs are hard to come by. Still, I have a certain amount of money and power. I suppose I’ll find one eventually.” He grinned, the old Cardinal again, relaxed and in control. “You’re a halfway decent opponent.”
“Does that mean you’re going to explain things now?” I asked. “Have I earned that right?”
He laughed, pulled out a spare chair and sat. “You’re too much, Mr. Raimi. Always pushing and prodding. Tenacious, like a bloodhound. That amused me for a time but I’m starting to lose interest.” He pressed a button. “Miss Fowler? Send the Troops in please.”
“You’re going to kill me?” I gasped.
“Of course,” he said, directing the incoming Troops to line up against a wall in the time-honored way of firing squads everywhere. “The Ayuamarca file never lies. I hadn’t planned to kill you for a few more days, but now I think the time is ripe.”
“At least tell me who I am,” I pleaded. “That’s all I want to know, who I am and why this happened. You owe me that much.”
“I owe you nothing,” he barked. “You were a man going nowhere, a shit-eating fly I took a liking to. I gave you a chance to make something of yourself. This could all have been yours. I wasn’t joking about that. But you blew it, so you die and I search again for an heir. Are your weapons ready, gentlemen?”
“So you’ll let me die in ignorance.” I spat at his feet. “You’re a prick.”
“We all die in ignorance,” he smiled. I sensed hope in that smile. If I kept him going, I might stumble across the words that could save me. I knew they existed. He would have killed me already if they hadn’t. He was throwing me an invisible lifeline. He wanted me to save myself. But why? I couldn’t be that important to him. My death wouldn’t cause him any hurt or inconvenience. So why was he so reluctant to…?
It came to me and I knew instantly this was my chance. “OK,” I said, drawing myself erect, wincing at the pain, but smiling in spite of it, because I’d found the way. “If you’re not going to answer my questions, we’ll stop it here. Let me go.”
The Cardinal burst out laughing. “You’re too precious! I should keep you as my court jester. Let you go, Mr. Raimi? Why would I do that?”
“Because you can’t kill me,” I said.
He stopped laughing. “What makes you say that?” he asked suspiciously.
“Conchita.” That drove the wind out of his sails. He hadn’t been prepared for that one. It wasn’t the line he’d thrown but it did have a hook. “She’s the only person in the world you love, if you can call what you feel for her love. You went there the other day. Why? To warn her about me and spare her the pain? I don’t think so. You wanted to see if she’d accept you again. You wanted to be part of her life now that I’d cured her. When you gazed into her eyes and saw only fear and loathing, you told her about the file to hurt her. You hadn’t meant to, but you did. You’re a monster—you couldn’t have done anything else.”
His face was ashen. He pointed a hand at me, the one with the crooked little finger. “You go too far,” he growled. “Even the dead have limits.”
“No they don’t,” I disagreed. “You care for her. She’s the only one who means anything to you. I bet it chewed you up inside when you realized what you’d said and done. I bet you sat up here and thought she was going to die, or would regress, that you’d destroyed the one thing you loved.
“Well, you didn’t. I spoke with her today and she’s leaving this city, going out into the world to live a full life for as long as she can. She’s going to do her best to be happy. She was optimistic, actually looking forward to life for the first time in years.”
“This is true?” he asked hoarsely. He wanted to believe me but thought I might be tricking him.
“It’s true,” I said quietly. “Ask your spies. She can be happy now. There’s no place for you in her happiness, but that’s not so bad, is it? That shouldn’t bother you. Having her would have been the icing on the cake, but her happiness is the main thing, right?”
“Yes,” he said softly.
“And I’m the man who made her happy.”
He looked at me, sly again, compassion vanishing. “Now we get to the real truth of it. You saved her, so you think that entitles you to a reprieve.” He shook his head. “Wrong. Doesn’t work that way.”
“Not a full reprieve,” I said, stepping forward, ignoring the click of the guns. “A couple of hours. Give me a chance. I probably can’t escape but let me try. You won’t be able to live with yourself if you don’t. You’re human, Ferdinand Dorak, despite your monstrous qualities. You feel like the rest of us. If you kill me here, in your office, it will destroy Conchita if she finds out. And she will—people always do in situations like this.
“You can send the Troops after me later, the whole city if you wish. Let them hunt me like a pack of rabid hounds. You know they’ll get me. I can’t escape. Hell, I’ve nowhere to escape to. But at least you won’t have my blood on your hands. You can distance yourself from the murder. Let me go. Give me a chance. Maybe it will stop you from having nightmares.”
He flinched when I mentioned nightmares. Suddenly I was able to see the real man, born to be a monster, but a man all the same, trapped in his own shell, forced to be what he was, not liking it but incapable of change. If he hadn’t been so terrible he would have been pitiable.
“You’re old, Ferdy,” I said, and he flinched again. “You’ve done so much evil, hurt so many people, including yourself. I’m not asking for mercy. I’m offering you the chance to evade the guilt. You gain nothing if you kill me here, just drive anot
her nail into the coffin of your heart. Let me go.”
It was a passionate speech but passion had never worked with The Cardinal before. He must have heard pleas like this a thousand times. But Conchita and his nightmares made the difference. Each one of us has a secret code, a series of buttons which, if pressed in the right order, make us perform contrary to judgment, logic and instinct. I’d found and pressed The Cardinal’s. If that didn’t work, the game was up and I was dead.
“I’ll give you half an hour,” he said, nodding at the Troops to lower their guns. “Don’t say anything more. Not a word. You’ve been very persuasive and it’s earned you a reprieve, but if you speak now… Half an hour. Not a minute more.”
I made my stunned way to the door. “Mr. Raimi,” he said, stopping me as my hand was poised to open it. He had his back to me and was looking out of the window. I could see his battered face reflected in the broken shards of glass the chair had left behind. “Nothing’s carved in stone,” he said quietly. “Use your time. Don’t run blindly. Turn your escape into a quest.” I saw him smile. “That’s the best advice I’ve ever given. I must be going soft in my old age.” He looked at his watch. “Twenty-nine minutes, Mr. Raimi.”
I fled.
It was too little time. I knew that before I hit the ground floor, grabbed my shoes from a startled receptionist and sped out the front door as fast as my legs could manage. Less than thirty minutes. I checked my watch. Five of those had already passed. There was nothing I could do in so short a time. I might as well have let him kill me up there.
I stopped in the middle of a small park and sat on a metal bench. My cuts, bruises and broken bones were stinging but I ignored them. He’d told me not to flee blindly. Running would get me nowhere. I had to think. Was there a way out?
I couldn’t stay in the city, that was obvious. I could expect to avoid the chasing mobs for an hour or two if I was lucky. But as soon as morning came and word spread, that would be that. Troops, hired hoods, taxi drivers, hookers, cops and kids on their bikes—the city was bulging with the eyes and ears of The Cardinal.
