And I feel those two hits inside of me.
And that part inside that hopes he’ll come back sparks to life.
As I crawl into bed and lay my head on my pillow, I glance over to Reed’s night table and notice for the first time that the picture of us is gone. The first tear falls out of my eye after sixty-one long nights.
Chapter 5
Reed
Six months without Hadley has fucking sucked—no other way to put it.
I’d stayed awake that whole night, holding on to her long after she fell asleep, memorizing everything about her—how every time I moved, she would snuggle in deeper, how her bottom lip pushed out, the way her hair flowed over my shoulder, how she felt flawless against me. No one is perfect, but Hadley is the fucking closest thing to perfection there is, and I couldn’t be with her anymore—not like I was. Not yet.
I’d dragged myself out of her hold once the clock read five o’clock and stared at that piece of paper in front of me for too long, wondering what she would think when she read it, how she would handle me being fucking gone when she woke up. No doubt I took the pussy way out with a fucking letter, but I couldn’t face her. I knew one look into her eyes would have convinced me to stay, and that wasn’t the right thing for her.
Without a doubt, the fucking hardest thing I’ve ever done was give her one last lingering kiss on her forehead before closing our bedroom door, not knowing when I’d see her again. With only a backpack filled with clothes and some pictures, I walked out on the fucking love of my life lying in our bed, disappearing on her, knowing I would be breaking her heart when she got downstairs, but hoping like hell I did the best thing for us. I should have told her why I’m fucked up, why I have to prove this shit to everyone, but I didn’t, couldn’t—she would have never understood it. I have to be the best fucking version of myself before I find her again.
I’d gone to Ohio to watch her graduate. She didn’t see me—I couldn’t let her. I was so damn proud of her there was no way I wouldn’t be there watching. I hid in the back, staring at her through the people, looking for signs that she wasn’t well. But she looked okay, not like her old self, but seeing her smile made me feel better.
Right when the plane landed after coming back, I went straight to my guy in Vegas to get another piece done. It had to be those damn birds she always said we were. I got them as a constant reminder of why I’m doing this, why I walked away, why I have to push myself to go on even though everything inside of me screams not to. I can’t bring myself to even call her, and talking to her would be even harder, knowing I can’t be with her, or go to her. I closed my Facebook, email accounts, and changed my number so even if she tried to get in contact with me, she wouldn’t be able to. I wanted this break from each other to be as clean as possible, even if that means killing myself in the process. If I had easy ways to get in touch with her, I’d cave and all this shit would be in vain. It wasn’t to keep her from contacting me…I did it to keep myself from breaking down and going after her. I knew doing that too soon would only fuck everything up, but that didn’t mean I had the willpower not to.
When Lance was still in Ohio, I felt better. I had someone I trusted there to look out for her. He wouldn’t tell me shit, but I still asked like fucking clockwork. Lance’s answer was always the same; “She is handling it the only way she knows how to.” But I knew he would protect her, but now, I only hope that her brothers are stepping up to watch over her when I can’t.
I feel the power going through my arms as I go at the bag, knocking Lance on his ass in the middle of the gym in the process.
“What the fuck, Riker?”
I reach my hand to help him up, but he slaps it away. “Next time, hold the bag better and that won’t happen.” I grin arrogantly.
Lance nods in the direction of my head trainer’s office. “Sorry, but did you not see that chick that just walked in?”
“Now how would I look at her? Last time I checked, I don’t have eyes back there, idiot,” I say with irritation lacing my voice and start to unwrap my hands.
“Man, she had boobs that”—he makes the gesture big—“just…damn. I haven’t seen any like that since…well, for a while”
Lance trails off, knowing damn well I caught on to who he was going to say. Hadley does have some fucking great tits. But they are mine, not his. Slamming Lance into the brick wall of the gym, I aggressively threaten, “Don’t fucking talk about her tits again.” I stare straight into his eyes, making sure he understand the seriousness of my words.
I release Lance after the audience of fighters and trainers eye us, judging us with their stares as if they don’t beat people down for a living. Bobby, my head trainer, walks over and it only takes one look at him to know I’m in for it—yet again. Ever since I moved here, my fuse has gotten shorter and shorter.
“Riker, you good, man? This happens again and the league will hear about it. You know I don’t put up with that shit here. Go run, cool down. Lance, come with me. I’ve got new tapes we need to go over for the next fight.”
Not being in the mood to do any more extra shit today, I don’t fight Bobby on it. Grabbing my iPod, I barge through the gym, ignoring the stares from everyone around.
I run my five miles for the day, and then look around the floor for Lance. I need to apologize for going wild on him once again. I know why it’s fucking happening and that’s the sickest part of all this shit. It’ll keep getting worse the longer I am away from Hadley—she’s always been my fucking pill. I spot the back of Lance’s head through the glass of Bobby’s office and I almost go in, but the sound of my name has me stopping and moving to the other side so I won’t be spotted.
“Lance, you said Riker was under control, but from what you just told me, he is far from it. That shit out there can’t happen anymore. Riker’s name is getting around by being an ill-tempered, short-fused fighter. That’s the last damn thing we need. Daily just sent his new PA, Krystal, in here to tell me Rike’s next fight is against Billy King. If he keeps acting like that, he won’t have a shot.” King is dominating our weight class—has been for almost two years. He signed a few years before me and kicked everyone’s ass the league has thrown at him. He’s a fucking monster in the cage. If I beat him, this would put me in the spot for the primetime fights—more money and better exposure, which leads to even bigger chances of going mainstream. I’m fucking inching my way closer to where the hell I need to be to get Hadley back.
“Bobby, he’s ready, but that girl he left…Rike’s fucking crazy about her. It’s messing with his head to be away from her for this long. He went from getting ass to nothing. That shit messes with any fighter and you know it better than anyone. He hasn’t gotten laid in forever—fuck, I think it may actually be the longest he has ever gone since he lost it when he was fifteen. Now that’s a fucking drought if I’ve ever seen one. Hell, if I told Rike half the shit I know about how Hadley really is, he would fucking lose it on everyone. If I didn’t think it was already too late, I would say we need to fly her out here, but the last I heard, she was gone. We need to get Kenny to come out, though. He always had a way of putting Rike’s head in the right place. Maybe with him here, it will chill him out some?” I walk away, hearing enough of this shit. What the fuck does Lance mean, too late? Did Hadley already give up on us?
“Riker, baby, are you going? I thought you fighters would have great stamina—or did I just do my job too well?”
I don’t say anything to her, I can’t. What was I supposed to say? That I thought of my blond-haired girl with the sickest eyes I ever seen? The same one I once had but stupidly left, and no longer there anymore waiting for me? Was I supposed to say all of that while fucking this chick? Nope, I can’t say that so I keep my damn mouth shut.
I’m fucking disgusted with myself. I swore I wouldn’t turn to fucking in order to alleviate my problems of missing Hadley, and make no mistake, that’s just what I did. I left the fucking gym, picked the first girl that showed me any atte
ntion, and followed her ass home. I didn’t speak, didn’t lay one kiss on the hooker-red lips as I pushed her on the couch and tore her pants down. Only way I stayed hard was to close my eyes and think of how Hadley had always felt. And for a split second, the gnawing pity I had growing inside was gone, the insane loneliness was gone, everything was better as the flashes of how I felt when I was back with my girl played behind my eyes. But now I’m brought back to my fucked-up real world as the sounds of this girl enters my head. The reality of being alone hits me hard, and nothing but fucking the bitch has helped.
Snagging my shirt off the floor, I say, “Listen, it was great, but I gotta go.”
“Do you need my name?” she asks as she trails her hand over my chest, right where my tattoo for Hadley is.
I roughly snatch it away before she could taint it with her filth. “Never touch that, hear me? That’s not for you at all.” What the fuck did I do?
“Krystal.”
“What are you talking about?”
She slowly walks toward me, her fake-ass tits not moving one inch. “My name is Krystal. I think you should at least know that. I know you have some shit you are going through. I work for the League so I hear what goes on behind the scenes. Let me help you with it.” She glances down at my dick, dropping to her knees. “I made you forget for a little while, so let me do it again, Riker. It’s the least I can do after what you just did to me.” Just like that, the fucking ache is gone and I will do anything to keep it from coming back again.
Two hours later, I stand under the scorching water, scrubbing the reek of the cage-pussy off, and accept the fact that if I ever want to rid myself of the pain of losing Hadley, I’d have to do it again.
And I planned to do just that.
Chapter 6
Hadley
I don’t know how I did it, but I’ve endured eighteen months without Reed with me, it hasn’t been easy, it hasn’t been healing, but I’ve survived so far. It’s like what they say, put one foot in front of another.
The morning after his first fight with the League, I woke up with some kind of fire lit inside me. Seeing him living his life made me want to do it, too, instead of just existing in everyone else’s. The next night, I went out with some of our old friends and had a pretty good time, laughing, smiling, and chatting more than I had in months. Until I overheard some of them talking about seeing Reed a couple months after he left. In the middle of a bar with all the people I considered friends, I broke down, my heart vanished, nothing was left. He didn’t even try to contact me, not even once, yet all those people saw him, here, in the town where I live. I felt Reed fade away from inside of me, turned to dust right on the floor of the bar.
That night, I found something that eased the feelings of betrayal, made it bearable. After that, I partied just a little too much, trying to drown the ache inside me through snorting powder up my nose. I turned away from everyone—including Courtney—and found something that helped, even if it was just for a little bit. I thought I was doing the right things because I felt better, so I was better…how very wrong I was. Matt flew up right when I needed him the most. He took one look at me spiraling out of control and told me that Columbus—and the people I was surrounding myself with—were toxic for me. He saw me heading down a road that I wouldn’t ever want myself in if I kept down the path I was on.
Matt was right. The last place Reed and I lived at together was just way too hard on me. Everywhere I looked, I saw Reed’s reflection—at the grocery store, restaurants, at our own place. I couldn’t go anywhere, everywhere I turned I’d find another memory of Reed that assaulted me. It held me back, twisting me into someone I didn’t want to be. For so long, I had wanted to stay there to feel the connection it brought me¸ but when I finally found enough courage to call him, I’d learned his number had been disconnected, and that’s the only answer I needed. I had to get away from everything that reminded me of what we used to be. Leaving Ohio was the only way I really knew how to do it.
Two months later, I put everything Reed and I had in a storage locker in Columbus and took the keys to his dad’s house. I knew that no matter what had happened between them in the past, Reed would eventually come home to check on Doug sooner or later. He always did.
Doug—Reed’s dad—was sober for the first time in fifteen years, and shocked at the news that Reed and I weren’t together anymore. He told me Reed was a fool for leaving the best thing to ever happen to him. I sat with him for a couple of hours while Doug told me stories about Reed’s childhood and his side of what happened between them—the only side I ever heard. Doug explained that when Reed’s mom left, he just couldn’t deal with his wife being gone. Doug loved her with every breath he took and it was a love too selfish that it held her back from what she really wanted out of life. She had dreams and getting married and pregnant ruined all of those for her. Doug thought that if he loved her enough for the both of them, it would be enough…until one day, it wasn’t. Reed’s mom was done with it all, felt like she couldn’t be a mom or wife anymore. She had left both of them in order to live her life the way she’d always wanted, only to die in a car accident a month later. Soon after her death, Doug couldn’t get over it and the drinking and drugs started, leaving Reed as the only source to blame. Doug cried when he spoke to me about how he treated Reed, telling Reed on a daily basis what a loser he was, how he wouldn’t make it in the world, how if it weren’t for Reed, his mother would have never left, how the beatings he gave Reed should have never happened. How what we were going through was a result of how Reed grew up. Leaving Doug’s, something clicked inside of me. The sadness that had taken hold of my life vanished and had been replaced with a smile at what we had, respect and a new understanding of Reed. Him leaving me wasn’t out of selfishness, it had been his own version of loving me enough to allow me a life without regret, because he’d seen regret every day of his life. He believed that if I followed him, I would hate him later. But, God! He couldn’t have been more wrong.
Reed was always reserved when talking about his past and his parents, and now I see why. We were truly opposites in every single way. I don’t know what my life would have been like had I not been adopted, but I had the picture-perfect family, and I think he thought I would never understand what his life had been like growing up. It had to break Reed to think he held his own mother back, the one person who is supposed to love you for just being you, to feel that kind of hatred by your own father for being a constant reminder of the love loss…it would break anyone. I felt like I needed to find Reed and tell him just how worthy he is, that he’s making it, that it wasn’t his fault.
And for the first time, my heart didn’t hurt for me, but for him.
Maybe if I had pushed him harder to open up, I could have explained to him that being without him would be the only thing capable of holding me back, but he never gave me that chance. Reed didn’t want us to turn out like them—not that I blame him. I didn’t want that for us, either. But being truthful to myself, it happened the minute Reed turned away from us, leaving me alone with just a letter. Exactly as his mom had done years before. But the hope I had for him coming back to me once again ignited.
He did it for all the right reasons, just in the most entirely wrong, messed up way possible.
I was so lucky my best friend accepted my apology for bailing on her. She never even questioned me, just hugged me and told me she would always be there for me no matter how hard I pushed her away. And she was. Later that night, after leaving Doug’s with both cars packed, we left my home. And every day, I’ve wondered if I made the right choice.
Courtney and I had decided to get a new townhome together when we got to Atlanta instead of the condo my parents bought me. It was nice to pick everything out together, to start a new chapter with all new things. Luckily for me, Courtney was through with her life in Ohio, because without her, this new life wouldn’t be as much fun. Together, we’re making a new life with new friends.
We were start
ing over.
Just as I finish zipping up my boots, Courtney comes storming in our front door, throwing her stuff on the floor right by the door. It’s been our tradition for about a year—ever since Reed began moving up in the league and his fights were actually on television—to go somewhere and watch him. Tonight is no different. No matter what had happened between us, I’m ridiculously proud of him, finally making his dream come true. And with each win he has under his belt, him coming back to me is closer.
“Hey, girl. Sorry I’m late. I swear, this city’s traffic gets worse every time I leave work.”
With everything I had found out about Reed’s past, I couldn’t walk away from the job my parents had set up for me, even though it’s nothing but a constant reminder. But it’s exactly where I’ve always wanted to be—career wise—and I love every second of it. Courtney has a trust fund bigger than most people will ever make in a lifetime, so she volunteers as a patient advocate at my hospital.
“Your fine. I’m ready whenever you are, just need to get my purse and feed Lucy real quick.” Lucy is the long-haired calico cat Mark and Sarah gave me as a house-warming present. She became my little baby right away and is just what I needed. She only likes me and is the neediest thing I have ever seen. Honestly, it’s impossible to be lonely with the little shit around—I think that’s the real reason they got her for me.
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