by Adele Abbott
I really shouldn’t have had that second cup of tea before I left the house. Kathy and Lizzie had been gone for almost two hours, and I was now bursting for a pee. I daren’t leave the picnic basket unguarded, but I couldn’t take it with me. I suppose I could have used magic to hide it, but there were more people around now, and I was afraid someone might see. I was beginning to think I might have to nip into the trees when Kathy and Lizzie came back.
“I thought you two had got lost. I’m bursting for a pee.”
“Oh dear. If I’d known—” Kathy grinned. “We’d have stayed away even longer. Right, Lizzie, let’s get those sandwiches and cakes out of the basket.”
“Don’t eat them all while I’m gone,” I shouted over my shoulder as I rushed away.
Thankfully, there had only been a short queue for the toilets. And now, I’d better get back before those two had eaten everything.
“Ho, ho, ho!” A tall clown jumped out in front of me.
“Excuse me, please.” I tried to sidestep him, but he blocked my way.
“Why, what did you do?” A second, shorter clown appeared behind me. “Ha, ha, ha.”
Oh no! I was trapped in a clown sandwich.
“Do you like my flower?” The first clown pointed to a red rose on his lapel.
“Yes, it’s very—what the?” I was hit in the face with a jet of water. “That’s not funny!”
“Come on, Jill. It really is.” The tall clown’s voice had changed to one I recognised.
“Daze?”
“Sorry about the water, but we have to stay in character.”
“That’s okay.” I wiped my face. “What are you doing here?”
“We’re on the trail of a wicked witch.” This time it was the shorter clown’s voice I recognised.
“Blaze? How come you two are working together again? Where’s Laze?”
“I had to let him go,” Daze said. “The guy was two levels beyond useless.”
“Are you two back together on a temporary basis, then?”
“No, it’s permanent,” Daze said.
“Like the good old days, then?”
“Not quite.” Blaze was quick to correct me. “It’s an equal partnership now, isn’t it, Daze?”
“Hmm.” She didn’t sound very enthusiastic.
“I thought you were trying to track down the source of the contaminated blood?”
“We are, but we’re shorthanded again, so we’ve had to drop that case for today.”
“What’s the story with the wicked witch?”
“She’s actually an old friend of yours, Jill.”
“Are you talking about the one who was running the sweet shop in Washbridge?”
“None other. The infamous Edna Eyesore.”
“But you arrested her. Why isn’t she behind bars?”
“She was, but there was a jailbreak a couple of weeks back. I’m surprised you didn’t hear about it.”
“I assume she’s up to her old tricks?”
“Of course. Tempting kids with treats, and then turning them into treacle tarts.”
“I thought it was gingerbread.”
“It usually is, but Edna is on a treacle tart kick at the moment.”
“Why would she come here today?”
“Why do you think?” Daze gestured to the dozens of little children who were running around. “Easy pickings for someone like Edna.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
“Keep your eyes peeled, and if you spot her, give us a shout. She’ll no doubt be disguised as a clown, so she won’t be easy to pick out.”
“Will do.”
“Nice to see you again, Jill.” Blaze offered his hand.
Instinctively, I shook it, but then quickly pulled away after receiving an electric shock.
“Sorry.” He chuckled. “But like Daze said, we have to stay in character.”
Still laughing, the two of them walked away. And people wondered why I hated clowns.
Much more worrying, though, was the thought of the wicked witch, ready to prey on all of those innocent children. I would have to keep a very close eye on Lizzie, even if that meant I’d have to mix with the clowns.
Chapter 14
As I headed back to Kathy and Lizzie, I realised that there were two figures standing next to them.
Clowns!
I was about to turn tail and go and hide when Lizzie spotted me.
“Auntie Jill! Come and see the clowns!”
Oh bum! There was no way I could make a run for it now without looking like a total wuss.
“Yes, come and say hello to them, Jill.” My orange sister was enjoying this way too much.
“Hi,” I said while keeping as much distance between me and the freaky clowns as possible.
“We already know your auntie,” one of the clowns said to Lizzie.
“Yes, we actually live across the road from her.” The other squeezed his red nose, making Lizzie squeal with laughter.
“Jimmy? Kimmy? I didn’t realise it was you.”
“Sneezy and Breezy, if you don’t mind.” Breezy corrected me. “We’re on duty.”
“Sorry.”
Sneezy gave a huge sneeze, which blew her hat off, and sent Lizzie into convulsions of laughter.
When Sneezy bent down to collect her hat, Breezy gave her a kick up the backside with his oversize shoes. That sent both Kathy and Lizzie into hysterics.
Not me, though. I looked on incredulously. How did anyone find this stuff amusing? And that’s when I remembered that I’d sponsored these two clowns.
“Excuse me, Breezy.”
“Yes, Jill?”
“This sponsorship thing. How does it work exactly?”
“You pay us for every laugh that registers on the clownometer.”
“Where is the clownometer?”
“Right here.” He rolled up his sleeve.
Sneezy did likewise.
They each had a small gadget, which resembled a Fitbit, strapped to their wrist.
“They can’t actually register laughs, though, can they?” I said.
“Sure they can. Watch this.” Breezy held out his wrist so I could see the small screen.
Sneezy sneezed again (she was apparently a one-trick pony), sending her hat up into the air. When Lizzie and Kathy laughed out loud, the counter on Breezy’s clownometer registered their laughs.
“Remind me, would you? How much did I sponsor you for?”
“I seem to remember it was ten-pence per laugh.”
Meanwhile, Kathy and Lizzie were still laughing hysterically at Sneezy’s exploits, causing the dials on Breezy’s clownometer to spin. This was going to bankrupt me—I had to put a stop to it.
“Err, Kathy.” I tapped her on the shoulder. “Didn’t you say we had to go and see to the thing?” She looked puzzled, but I carried on regardless. “Sorry, Sneezy. Sorry, Breezy, but we have to go and see to the—err—thing.”
“No problem, Jill. We should be moving on anyway.” Breezy made his bow tie spin around, sending Lizzie once more into hysterics, and no doubt costing me a small fortune.
Once the clowns had left, Kathy took me to one side. “What was that all about, Jill? What is this thing we have to go and see to?”
“Err, nothing. I must have got mixed up.”
“You’re up to something.”
“Me? No, I’m not.”
“Can we go now that Auntie Jill is back, Mummy?” Lizzie tugged at her mother’s skirt.
“Yes, in a minute.”
“Where are you off to?” I asked.
“Show Auntie Jill the flyer, Lizzie.”
“I’m going to get a free cuddly clown, Auntie Jill.” She handed me a small glossy leaflet.
“Free? Why would they give them away? There must be a catch.”
“Why are you always so suspicious?” Kathy rolled her eyes at me. “Look, it says right there that all she has to do is go to the Big Red Clown Tent, present the flyer, and claim he
r free cuddly clown.” She turned to Lizzie. “Mummy has to call at the toilets first.”
“Aww, Mummy. All the cuddly clowns will be gone when we get there.”
“No, they won’t. It says that the tent doesn’t open until two o’clock and it’s only a quarter past one. Come on, let’s go.”
“See ya, Auntie Jill!” Lizzie skipped away.
“Bye.”
I had bad vibes about this. Very bad vibes.
Why would anyone give away cuddly toys when they could easily sell them? Those flyers were guaranteed to attract children to the Big Red Clown Tent, but what would be waiting for them there? I had a horrible feeling that it might be a wicked witch named Edna Eyesore.
I had to get there before Kathy and Lizzie. Fortunately, they were going via the toilets, but that still didn’t leave me much time. I cast the ‘faster’ spell and sped over there. Once at the tent, I nipped around the back, and cast the ‘doppelganger’ spell so I would look like Lizzie.
A board outside the front of the tent said that it would open at two, but I had no intention of waiting until then.
“Hello, little girl.” The creepy clown greeted me when I stepped into the tent. Even though she was wearing a costume and makeup, I knew it was Edna because I recognised her voice. “You’re a little early.”
“Sorry,” I said in Lizzie’s voice.
“That’s okay. Is your mummy or daddy with you?”
“No, I’m all by myself. Can I have my cuddly clown?”
“Of course you can.” She pointed to a huge pile of them. I had to hand it to Edna, she was smart. Any kid who came into the tent accompanied by their parent would no doubt walk away with a toy. But for any kid who came in unaccompanied, there would be an altogether different surprise.
“What’s your name, little girl?”
“Lizzie.”
“Well, Lizzie, before you can have your cuddly clown, I need you to come over here, and write your name on this sheet of paper. Can you write your name?”
“Of course I can. I’m a big girl now.”
“Okay, then. Come over here.”
I took the pen she offered, and I was about to write Lizzie’s name when Edna grabbed me from behind. “I’ve got you now, my little beauty. You’re going to make a delicious treacle tart.”
“I don’t think so, Edna.” I reversed the ‘doppelganger’ spell, and then pushed her away.
“You!”
“You remember me, then?”
“Of course I do. You were the one who got me locked up!” She launched herself at me, but I dodged out of the way, and stuck out a foot. She tripped over it, and went spiralling into the pile of cuddly clowns. Before she had the chance to get up, I used the ‘tie-up’ spell to bind her hands and feet.
“Get these off! Let me go!”
“Shush!” I magicked a gag over her mouth, to keep her quiet.
Job done. Now all I had to do was find Daze and Blaze, so they could take Edna back to jail in Candlefield.
When I glanced through the flaps of the tent, there was a queue of kids, most of them accompanied by their parents, and at the very head of the queue were Kathy and Lizzie.
Oh bum, bum, bum!
What was I supposed to do now? I could make myself invisible and slip away, but what about the wicked witch clown lying, bound and gagged on the floor? If the kids saw her, they’d be traumatised for life. And if Lizzie didn’t get her cuddly clown, she’d be inconsolable. There was only one thing for it.
I rolled Edna over to the cuddly toys, and piled them on top of her, so she was out of sight. Next, I did something really traumatic—I used magic to make myself look like a clown, complete with makeup and stupid costume.
“Hello, children!” I shouted in my best clown voice. “You can come in one at a time.”
Kathy and Lizzie were the first into the tent. Lizzies’ little eyes almost popped out of her head when she saw the pile of cuddly clowns.
“What’s your name, little girl?”
“I’m Lizzie. What’s your name?”
“Err—I’m—err—”
“Have you forgotten your name?”
“Of course not. It’s—err—Peasy. Like Easy Peasy.”
“That’s a funny name.”
“I hope so. I’m a clown—I’m supposed to be funny. Is this your mummy?”
“Yes. She’s a bit orange today, but I’m not supposed to talk about it.”
Kathy’s expression was priceless, and I very nearly lost my—well, you get my drift.
“Go and help yourself to a cuddly clown, Lizzie.”
“Thank you, Peasy.”
“No problem.”
My brilliant plan to hide Edna under the pile of cuddly clowns was beginning to unravel. I hadn’t taken into account how many kids would want to claim their free toy. Two hours later, I’d seen hundreds of them. Towards the end, my patience was growing thin, and a few parents looked less than happy when Peasy snapped at their little darlings. That was the least of my problems, though. The pile of cuddly toys had almost disappeared. If many more were claimed, Edna would become visible.
“I’m Brice!” The young boy with a runny nose declared. “This is my mummy.”
“Hello, Brice. I’m Peasy.” I turned to his mother. “Are there many more waiting outside?”
“No, we’re the last ones, I think.”
“Help yourself to a cuddly clown, Brice.”
He ran over to the small pile of toys and grabbed one.
“There’s someone under here, Mummy.”
Oh bum!
“I don’t think there is, Brice,” I said.
“There is. Look! It’s another clown.”
I had no choice. I cast the ‘forget’ spell on mother and son, and then led them out of the tent. After putting up a makeshift ‘Closed’ sign, I went in search of Daze and Blaze. All of the clowns looked the same to me, so it was another twenty minutes before I finally tracked them down.
After leaving them to process Edna, I was finally able to rid myself of the clown persona. I certainly wasn’t sorry to see the back of Peasy.
“Where on earth have you been?” Kathy said. “I was beginning to think you’d gone home.”
“I’ve been walking around, taking in all the sights. I see you have your cuddly clown, Lizzie.”
“I’m going to call it Peasy, like the clown that gave it to me.”
“That’s nice.”
“Have you noticed anything, Jill?” Kathy said.
I glanced around, but nothing leapt out at me, so I decided to be diplomatic. “Your tan has faded a little?”
“The picnic basket!”
“What about it?”
“It’s gone.”
“Where?”
“I don’t know where. When we got back, it had disappeared, and so had you. I thought you were supposed to be guarding it.”
“I didn’t think anyone would want to steal a silly picnic basket.”
“Pete’s parents bought us that silly picnic basket for Christmas.”
“Oh, sorry.”
“I suppose we’d better get going. Pete and Mikey will be back home soon. Pete won’t be impressed when I tell him that the picnic basket has been stolen.”
“You can blame me if you like.”
“Don’t worry. I intend to.”
***
It was almost nine o’clock when Jack arrived home from his course.
“Hi, you.” He greeted me with a kiss.
“How was the course?”
“Tedious beyond belief. How was your picnic?”
“That orange sister of mine got me there under false pretences.”
“Orange?”
“You should see her. She went to Deli’s salon for a spray tan, and it turned her orange. For some reason, she blames me.”
“I don’t see how it’s your fault it went wrong.”
“Deli did mention they picked up the equipment on the cheap.”
�
�But you warned Kathy about that, right?”
“It must have slipped my mind.”
“In that case, I can see why she might not be best pleased with you. What did you mean when you said Kathy got you there under false pretences?”
“We did go for a picnic in Washbridge Park, but she failed to mention that they were holding the Clownathon there.”
“Oh dear. You’re not a big fan of clowns, are you?”
“I’m even less of one now, but you haven’t heard the half of it.”
“I’m gagging for a cup of tea. Why don’t I make us both a cuppa, and you can tell me all about it?”
And that’s what I did.
“Peasy?” He laughed.
“It was the best I could come up with at short notice. I thought of Sneezy and Breezy, and the name came to me.”
“Did Kathy take a photo of Lizzie with Peasy?”
“No, thank goodness.”
“That’s a pity. I bet you made a sexy clown.”
Chapter 15
The giant clown picked me up, and no matter how hard I struggled, I couldn’t escape its iron grip. As I got closer and closer to its gaping mouth and those rotten teeth, I was completely helpless.
“Jill!”
I didn’t want to die this way; as a snack for some oversized clown.
“Jill! Your phone is ringing!”
“What?” I sat up in bed. “The clown was going to eat me.”
“You were dreaming,” Jack said. “It’s just turned two o’clock. Who’s calling you at this hour of the morning?”
I grabbed my phone from the bedside table.
“Is that the woman from the council?” A man’s voice said.
“You must have a wrong number.”
“Are you sure? Cheesy gave me this number.”
“Hold on. Cheesy from the toll bridge?”
“Yeah. He said I had to call you if I saw anyone putting up more graffiti.”
“Are you Gordy?” I swung my legs out of bed.
“Yeah. There’s someone here now, spraying the bridge.”
“Okay. I’ll be over there in a few minutes.”
“Shall I tell them you’re coming?”
