by Abby Ayles
“But how are you to meet anyone as you are now?” she asked, realizing the impracticality of the situation.
The earl looked at her the way a puppy looked at a person who had forbidden it something. “I suppose we could invite your father and some of his friends around. Some of your friends, perhaps. I am sure that you miss them all.”
Kitty nodded and smiled. “I do, I miss them so very much. It would be wonderful to invite them here, to see all I have been doing, to meet you, and- Oh.” She shook her head.
“What is it?” he asked.
“Should they come here?” she asked softly.
“I have invited them, it will be fine,” he replied with a warm smile.
But that was not the problem. Kitty was not sure she wanted everyone knowing that she was staying there. She could not bear to imagine the rumours that would spread if anyone discovered she was caring for an unmarried man, often alone with him all day. But they wouldn't, would they? She could simply pretend she had been invited too.
“You are correct, Lord Stamford,” she said. “I shall go and talk to Cassandra and Delilah about what arrangements we must make for the event.”
“Good, good,” he replied. “I think I shall nap some more. I have become rather a useless lump, have I not?” He chuckled a little, but as he lay back Kitty could tell he was already tired enough to be drifting off.
Good, he would heal more. She crept to the doorway and moved outside. He was asleep before she could wish him a good rest. She closed the door as softly and as quietly as she could behind her. She would have to find Delilah first, to inform her that the earl would not be dining with them.
There would be no rush to put this dinner party together. Not on the earl's behalf, at any rate. He was still recovering, and if he would be like this, then he would be no use at a party. Then again, if he were back to his usual self he would not be able to attract a wife. Few women thought as Kitty did, few would see beyond his brashness.
But she wanted to see her father again, and to see her friends for the first time in a very long time. So even if the earl was not at his best, it would have to do.
Sometimes it was acceptable to do a little something just for yourself, after all.
Chapter 28
The event was scheduled for the following week. According to Dr. Allen's notes, the earl ought to be taking much fewer painkillers and sedatives by then, and could perhaps charm a few young ladies. It also afforded the three women plenty of time to work on the event together. This was something which they all relished, as none of them had sisters growing up, and none had ever before enjoyed the opportunity of working with other women.
Kitty, who had never held a dinner party at all, was delighted by the opportunity to plan her own event, and the thought of some of her friends visiting her at long last. Of course she had seen some of her friends who she had met through the hospital and other treatments, but she still had a few friends who were in normal health. And, although she saw them very rarely, it was still nice to see them.
There was something about meeting up with people who she had not seen for a while that made her feel excited, as though something great was bound to happen. At the very least they would be able to tell her what they were doing, and she would be able to tell them about the journey to Spain. A little decorated, of course, to make it more exciting and more decent. But they would hear about it nevertheless.
Getting into her dress, she was pleased when Cassandra stopped by to help her with her corset and make up.
“You look stunning in that, although I do not know why you are inviting your friends to meet him,” Cassandra remarked, gently applying a sweep of powder to Kitty's face. “He is a fantastic man, but they shall have him for themselves if you are not careful.”
Kitty blushed. “I am not sure I understand what you mean,” she said, looking aside in shame.
Cassandra smiled knowingly. “You understand me perfectly. And you agree with me, it seems. So why are you inviting all these eligible young women to a party with him when he is not yet yours?”
“He said that he wanted to marry, so I am introducing him to some appropriate young women,” Kitty replied.
Cassandra looked at her as though she had grown another head or two. “Are you stark raving mad?” she finally asked. “Why are you inviting other women to court him? Do you not want him for yourself?”
“He is not mine to have,” Kitty replied softly.
“Whatever makes you say that?” Cassandra asked, exasperated, as she began brushing Kitty's hair. “You are young and beautiful, and he seems to like you very much.”
“But he is older than me, and more educated, and wealthier, and more powerful,” Kitty replied sadly. “I am not a good fit for him. You would be.”
“I do not want him, or any other man, for that matter,” Cassandra said bluntly. “You win him over. Have him.”
“How can I win over a man who is not interested in me?” Kitty asked, feeling her heart breaking even as she spoke.
Cassandra shrugged. “Men are not like women, Kitty. They fall in love with your beauty first, then with who you are. As far as you are concerned, right now he is interested in every woman equally. Make yourself more interesting and he shall be yours.”
“And if I am not interesting?” Kitty asked.
“You are, Kitty. You just do not see it,” Cassandra replied.
Kitty hesitated. “You are right. I do not see it.”
“I am on your side, Kitty,” Cassandra insisted, gripping her friend's shoulders. “I want nothing more than for you to succeed with Augustus.”
Kitty felt her heart thump hard as Cassandra said this. “I want that too, but I am too scared to dare reach for it,” she confessed. “I have never been of interest to any man, I do not know what to do around them. I do not even know how to properly apply my own makeup—even a dusting of powder! I can’t even imagine the mess I’d make with rouge.” She cringed at the thought of putting that crème on her face. She didn’t need any help to look flushed as a fool. “How can you expect me to win anyone over?”
“I could show you,” Cassandra replied. “But do not take the advice of a butcher on how to bake rolls. Ask Delilah. She knows her brother, and she was married. She is a much better source of advice than I am.” Cassandra laughed in the conspiratorial, self-conscious way that unmarried aunts always seemed to laugh, and Kitty smiled gently at her.
Kitty was in two minds about the whole situation. On the one hand, she wanted Earl Sinclair to fall head over heels for her just like a fairy tale prince.
But on the other hand this was not a fairy tale. And he was not a prince.
She needed to remember her place. She needed to remember that she was helping him to find a more suitable wife. That any of her wealthier, more important friends would be a better choice than her.
Making her way downstairs, she saw Delilah receiving the first guests. Kitty slipped into the dining room, hoping to remain undetected, so that she would not be discovered to be staying there. Although at first she had been excited about seeing other young women her age and some friends, she now only really wanted to see her father.
There were many more guests than she had expected. Some girls brought their parents, some brought a date, some brought friends of their own. Kitty realized that she barely knew anyone other than four or five girls she would dine with when her father had their parents for company. It would do. It was better than nothing. And really, it wasn't for her at the end of the day, was it?
Sitting at the table, Kitty was relieved to see the earl looking energized, focused, and happy. He was going to impress. She knew it. And that made her happy, because she wanted him to do well. But it also hurt. Because if he was going to do well, then she stood no chance at all.
He was very much his usual self. Relaxed, a bit obnoxious and loud, but generally happy and talking with everyone. He looked very handsome and was better groomed than Kitty had seen him in weeks. Delilah an
d Cassandra kept the conversation going where he failed. The food was excellent, and the music was pleasant.
Kitty was certain that he would win over a few of the guests, even despite how abrasive he could be at times.
But her friends were, by and large, disinterested. Of course, many of them were more her father's acquaintances than her friends. But she had expected them to show more interest in an earl. He had status, and money, and good looks. She had known other women to marry men they hated for less than that. And yet the single women did not seem particularly interested in getting to know him.
After dinner, as the guests talked, Kitty was surprised to see Earl Sinclair talking with Delilah and Cassandra again. No young women were bothering to greet him. Perhaps they were just shy?
She walked up to someone she remembered from her father's last dinner party. “Georgie, how are you?” she asked. “Would you like to meet the earl?”
Georgiana paused, then shook her head. “I am fine, thank you. I am not sure I wish to talk to him.”
Kitty stared a few seconds. “He will not hurt you,” she said.
“I simply... he is rude, and arrogant,” Georgiana said softly. “I do not know how you stand his presence.”
As she approached different young women, Kitty received a similar response each time. He was too haughty. Too old. Too loud. Too self-absorbed. He was nothing like the sort of man they would consider for marriage. And none of them wanted to socialize with him.
Even though he was an earl, he was simply too unbearable for them to consider marrying him. So they avoided his company and instead talked to one another, met one another's families, and eyed up each other's suitors.
It seemed that Kitty was the only one who saw beyond his flaws and into his charms. Which was a good thing for her, but not a great thing for him. She actually felt sorry for him. He was an earl, he ought to have women lining up after him. Out of this whole party, he should have more options than just her. He deserved better.
She wanted him so badly, and he seemed to be attracted to her. But humans were more than mere animals and he deserved a woman of his status, a woman who could take care of affairs whilst he was away, who could share his adventures with him, who could make sure he led the life he deserved to lead.
As Lord Langley sat down and began playing the piano, some of the young men and women began dancing. The earl, despite his injury and the girls' lack of interest in talking to him, was no exception. A few young women agreed to dance with him, apparently out of politeness.
Kitty wanted to dance. She certainly felt well enough. Under normal circumstances she would be dancing and enjoying the party, knowing that it was not often she was able to do such things. But she just watched. Her legs felt light and comfortable, but her heart and mind felt too heavy. She only wanted to dance with him. And if she could not, what was the point?
The dance continued and the earl was gradually refused by several of the women he was approaching. Before long everyone had an excuse not to dance with him. He seemed a little annoyed, but far from truly upset. When the guests continued refusing to dance with him, he extended his hand to Cassandra.
Kitty had expected Cassandra to turn him down. After all, she was not interested in him. She was not interested in marrying anyone. And she herself had said that Kitty would make a better pairing for the earl than she would. But she took his hand, stood up, and followed him out into the middle of the hall, where they danced in full view of all of the guests.
Kitty wasn't sure what to make of their relationship any more. She just watched as the two danced. Yes, they belonged together. Cassandra might not see it yet, but that only meant she was as stubborn as the earl. It suited him, marrying a woman as stubborn as himself. Someone who shared his interests in business, who was fiercely independent, who would not see anything anyway but her own. Yes, they were a perfect match.
They may not have seen it for years. Perhaps their own concerns regarding the taboos of brothers and sisters in law marrying had put them off. But they would slowly discover a compatibility, a love for one another, the sort of fulfilment which builds a good marriage. The sort of fulfilment Kitty could never offer him.
Sitting down on the piano bench beside her father, she sighed and watched the others dancing happily. It was not for her. Even if she managed to be in perfect physical health, that world was not hers. All of the guests had grown up leading easy lives, in a world where they did not have to fight for a single thing.
Even if she could make herself feel healthy all the time, even if she could outwardly look no different to any other young woman, she would never be the same as them. She could never be as reckless as Lord Stamford, as bold as Cassandra, as carefree as the girls who so readily rejected the prospect of marrying an earl.
Chapter 29
“You seem to be a little sad,” her father said in a low voice. “Is there anything I ought to know?”
“No, daddy, I am just having one of those days,” Kitty said with a heavy heart.
“You do not seem to be in pain,” he remarked.
Kitty sighed. “Not in my body, no.”
His hands fumbled as he played, a note ringing out of order before he resumed the smooth rhythm he had established. “Kitty, if anything is the matter you must tell me. I am your father, all I want is to help.”
“I suppose I am disappointed to see the earl dancing with Cassandra,” Kitty confessed, averting her gaze.
“You have fallen in love with your friend's brother?” her father asked, in the tone of voice of a man who knew that this would happen and had resigned himself to it.
Kitty nodded. “I think so.”
“Then let him know, you cannot waste time worrying about what may or may not happen,” her father said.
“But I am not worrying, daddy. I know what will happen. He will reject me. And he will choose a woman more like Cassandra, someone who he can share his life with properly. I am not worried. I am just sad,” she explained.
“He would dance with you, if only you asked,” her father insisted.
“What good is a dance if nothing else may come from it?” Kitty asked.
“You don't know that to be the case,” he replied. “I have seen him looking in your direction. I know that look. It is the same look I once gave your mother.”
“No, he looks at me the way any man looks at any young woman. The same way all my previous suitors looked at me. And where are they now?” Kitty asked.
“You cannot spend your whole life avoiding men because a few have disappointed you,” her father replied.
“I am not the marrying type, daddy. It's time we both accepted that,” she said, hearing his fingers fumble again on the keys before silence fell between them, only the music rising from the piano.
Kitty just watched as the couples danced for the rest of the event. No, this was her place. Sitting back, listening to music, watching as everyone else enjoyed themselves. And that was the earl's place, dancing happily as though he were healed already.
Of course he would return to that life. Had that not been what she was working towards all along? She had wanted to avoid him ending up like her, permanently at risk, always ill, often in pain. And she was succeeding. Now he was dancing as though his knee had never been hurt. It was what she had wanted.
What she had wanted for him, at least. Far from what she had wanted for herself. She had wanted so much more for herself.
But what she wanted for herself was irrelevant.
Before long he would be healed, after all. And then she would have to return home and he would carry on his life as though she had never existed. Perhaps he would send her a thank you letter. A bouquet of flowers or a nice new dress. A token of his gratitude.
And she would see her friend Delilah from time to time, to catch up over tea. To talk about how good they were to one another. To discuss the earl and Cassandra’s latest business ventures. To bond with one another over their loneliness.
Kitty re
fused to let the single tear escape the corner of her eye. She refused to feel sorry for herself.
The next day Kitty feared her prophecy was already coming true. Unhindered by sedatives, the earl had left to visit a friend. By the time she was washed, dressed, and ready to have her breakfast, his bedroom door stood open, revealing an empty bed and a maid beating the curtains free of dust.
In a slight panic, she asked around, only to find out he had enjoyed a light breakfast, a plain, unmedicated tea, and set off to talk to someone or other by the name of “Bertie”. She was frustrated that he had left without his medication, but also impressed that after a night of dancing he was able to get up, walk around, and ride a horse without his medication.
What is more, as she walked about inside she had overheard that he had plans of travelling to Germany that very week. Plans she had not even been told about. She was slowly being removed from her duties. Soon she would barely if ever see him. Then she would be dismissed. And then she would only see his sister from time to time.
Speaking of which, she was also absent early at breakfast, apparently writing letters. Cassandra had taken ill with a headache and had no appetite. It was only Kitty and Dr. Allen. Kitty had explained the earl's plans to the doctor and was met with a concerned shake of the head.
“He needs to be careful,” Dr. Allen insisted. “He is not healed yet. This is precisely what the problem was last time.”
“You must admit that he is doing much better than last time,” Kitty replied. “Last time it took him a great effort and much assistance to even leave home. And after the most minor exertion he was bedridden again. Now he is able to keep moving despite having been very active last night.”
“It does not matter how healed he is,” Dr. Allen replied. “If he is not completely recovered, then every exertion is a setback. It will take longer this time because he is more healed, but mark my words, if he does not take care he will end up back where he started again.”
