by Abby Ayles
Walking into the earl's room, she saw no change. He was asleep, and Cassandra was drawing the curtains to let some light in.
“I have received news that Delilah may be arriving later today,” Cassandra said, smiling and sitting down in the chair. “I shall go and rest a few hours, so that she does not worry when she sees me. She has been worried sick about her brother and her coach has been travelling non-stop since they received my first letter, when he arrived and collapsed. I do not wish to give her any more cause for concern.”
Kitty nodded. “That sounds fantastic. I am sure that Delilah shall be able to help us find out what has been troubling her brother, and how he got here so fast. And together we will be able to care for him properly once more.”
Cassandra finished straightening Earl Sinclair's bedsheets and stood up again. “I will send for a nurse to arrange his morning wash. Whilst she is busy, you must go and get some breakfast.”
“That is a good idea, but make sure to get some sleep, so that you are awake for when Delilah arrives,” Kitty replied
Left alone in the room with Lord Stamford again, Kitty felt her heart beating hard. She wanted nothing more than to be by his side as often as possible for the rest of her life, to see him wake up and to nurse him back to health.
“You would never believe how much I love you,” she said softly, sitting down in the chair and watching him rest. “I only wish a man like you could come to love a girl like me.”
The nurse came, and Kitty did as Cassandra said and went to the waiting room, where she was surprised to see a few friends and relatives of patients stopping for breakfast. She briefly contemplated talking to them, but she was unsure how to start the conversation and, sipping her tea, she decided she would spare her energy for Delilah.
It would be wonderful for the three of them to be together again. It was only through their combined efforts that they were all able to cope with the trials of looking after a man as stubborn as the earl. The other women might be older and more powerful than her, but they had much in common and they worked well together.
Kitty was excited when she heard that Delilah had arrived, and, unable to finish her breakfast of bread and cheese, she returned to the earl's room, where the nurse had just left and a familiar head of shining black hair peeked from behind the back of the seat.
“Delilah,” Kitty said, walking up to her.
No reply.
“Delilah, it is so good you could make it,” Kitty repeated, walking around the side of the chair.
Delilah shot her a glare that pierced her to the core of her heart. It was angry, judging, accusing. It made her blood run cold and she fell silent. For a moment she feared the worst and looked over at the earl. But no, he was still breathing. If anything, there was a little more colour in his face.
Kitty smiled meekly and went to sit in the little wooden chair by the window, until Delilah felt a bit better and was prepared to talk. She had received terrible news after terrible news, and was no doubt having a hard time and in need of a little space. Kitty watched her friend out of the corner of her eye.
Delilah was not at all herself. Her clothes were disorganized, her face was bare and she looked very, very tired. She had huge purple and greyish marks under her eyes, her lips were dry, and her usual bright and cheerful expression had been replaced with a glassy stare and pursed lips.
She was worse even than when she had revealed the extent of her brother's recklessness to Kitty. If then she had been at her limit, now she had stepped over the line and was falling off the edge of her wits. Her hands shook slightly, as if she were considering crying and it was taking every muscle in her body to hold it back.
Delilah looked up suddenly, startling Kitty as though she had just made eye contact with a dangerous wild beast through the woods. She averted her gaze, but she could still feel Delilah's angry stare boring through her skull.
“What is the matter?” Kitty asked nervously.
“You know what the matter is,” Delilah replied coldly.
“Then why are you staring at me? Did you not wish to see me? Do you want me to leave?” She turned to look at Delilah, even though that stare terrified her and broke her heart at once.
“No, Kitty, I did not wish to see you,” Delilah said, tears welling up in her eyes. “Your presence here is an insult to me and to my brother. If it was not for you, he would not be here. You caused this. You did this with your selfishness.”
Chapter 37
Kitty shook her head in disbelief. “How is it my fault that he is here? I was away. I did nothing.”
Delilah continued to glare angrily at her. “Precisely. You did nothing. You left me alone with him knowing that I would not be able to cope, that he would betray me. I would not be surprised if you poisoned him against me whilst you were caring for him, so that he would continue to disrespect me when you had gone.”
“Delilah, you know full well that I had no more power over him than you did. We had to act, all three of us together, to keep him on the right path,” Kitty protested.
“So why did you abandon me to care for him on my own? And why did we not use our strength to persuade him to do the responsible thing?” Delilah asked.
Kitty hesitated. She had to admit that she had been careless, but the blame hardly lay squarely on her shoulders. “What could we have done?” she asked.
“We should have taken him to a doctor. I cannot believe you enabled such reckless behaviour,” Delilah insisted.
Kitty paused. “Why are you choosing me as a scapegoat?” she eventually asked. “I did no more and no less than anyone else in the house.”
“Then why were you there? Why were you agreeing to help me in my home when all you were going to do was the same as I had been doing?” Delilah asked.
Kitty felt as though she was talking to a brick wall. “Because you invited me. Because I wanted to help you. Why did you think I was there?”
Delilah continued to glare at her, as though not certain what to say or do, but also unwilling to give any ground at all to Kitty. Kitty felt tempted to glare back, but she also did not want to insult her friend. Delilah was probably going through a lot of pain. Kitty had to be the responsible one and not allow a fight to start.
“Do not think that I am unaware of how you feel towards my brother. I thought you loved him, but clearly that is not the case. I doubt you care for me either. You are just here for our money,” Delilah said bitterly.
“Delilah, I do love your brother. And I do love you. And I want to look after you both. You know full well that your brother would never marry me,” she replied.
Delilah sighed and looked down at her brother's sleeping form. “And when you realized this, you left, with the excuse of seeing a sick friend.”
Kitty was not sure whether to be angry, insulted, or remorseful. Was Delilah right? Surely not. Surely if there was any enabler, anyone lingering for nothing but money, it was Delilah herself. Kitty had just done as she was asked, as she was told. Delilah had been the one who had allowed her brother to act this way for years. Delilah had been the one who cooperated with him and did not defy him. Delilah had been the one begging for help.
All Kitty had wanted to do was support her friend. And in the middle of it she had fallen in love with a man so far beyond her socially, he may as well have been the Sun and her the Moon.
“If that is what you shall believe, then nothing I can say will change your mind,” Kitty said with a sigh.
“I want you to leave,” Delilah said, glaring. “I want to spend some time alone with my brother, without having to endure your presence.”
That hurt. Everything Delilah had been saying was hurtful, but that hurt more than any other word. Endure her presence? As though she were some sort of an annoying child, or a mooch, or a bothersome animal? Kitty had done everything in her power to help Delilah. Everything. And now Delilah could not even tolerate her in the room.
All Kitty wanted any more was to stay and see that the earl
recovered. But that was not allowed. In fact, that was explicitly forbidden. Kitty realized that Delilah was punishing her. Punishing her by denying her the one thing she wanted.
Kitty suddenly felt as angry as Delilah looked. How could she? She did not own him. She had not been able to prevent his injury either. She had not even been there for him. Delilah had no right to place the blame exclusively on Kitty's shoulders, and no right to push Kitty away after using her for so long.
Kitty just wanted to be there, to be by the earl's side, to continue to care for the man who she had grown to love, to make sure that her job was complete before she moved on. She knew she would never be able to marry him, but the least she should be permitted was to see him recover. Delilah had no right to deny her this.
But then Kitty had to correct herself. She had no right to be there. She had been invited by Cassandra, not by Delilah, and she could not expect Delilah to treat her as a sister forever. Their relationship had changed, Delilah's feelings had changed. And Kitty had no more right to see Lord Stamford than Dr. Allen did.
However insulting Delilah's accusations might be, it was not Kitty's place to correct her, or to fight to stay there. She had to accept her fate with good grace. Worse things were happening to people every day.
Kitty smiled politely, stood, and curtsied. “Very well, Lady Sinclair. I can only hope that you will change your mind someday. Until then, farewell.”
Delilah did not say another word as Kitty left the room and walked down the hall.
Kitty felt as though she were about to weep. Not just for herself and the loss of the earl's company and Delilah's friendship, but for Delilah and her suffering as a sister, and for the trials which Cassandra had to face.
Cassandra... Cassandra needed to know that Kitty was going to leave.
Perhaps she ought to wake Cassandra? Yes, that was a good idea. She could not just walk off. Cassandra was still her friend, and was still a good friend to her. She needed to let her know what had happened.
Knocking on the door to the visitor's room she herself had slept in only a few hours ago, she was surprised to hear Cassandra reply the first time, inviting her in.
“Kitty? How is Augustus? Is Delilah here?” she asked, looking a little surprised.
Kitty nodded. “Yes, Delilah is here,” she replied. “She is with her brother right now.”
Cassandra sighed in relief. “That is good. How is she?”
Kitty hesitated. “She is very distressed. That is why I am here. She has sent me away, saying she does not want to see me and that she blames me for Lord Stamford's injury.”
“She said what?” Cassandra asked in disbelief. “She is being a fool, do not pay her any attention. She is just letting her emotions get the better of her.”
“I know she is emotional. But it is her place to send me away if she chooses. I am nobody to her if I cannot be her friend,” Kitty replied.
“You are not nobody. You are my friend, you are Augustus's friend, and most importantly, you are still her friend. She may be a fool, but that will pass and she will regret sending you away. Stay. Just a day or two. I have no doubt in my mind that she shall change her mind,” Cassandra insisted.
“I am not sure I should defy her,” Kitty replied, sitting on the edge of the bed. “She invited me, if anyone can send me away it is her also.”
“You helped to heal her brother the first time, though. And perhaps you can be helpful this time as well,” Cassandra suggested.
“No, she is right. I am not wanted here, or needed. What good did I do in all the time I spent caring for your brother in law?” she asked with a sigh. “I was of no use to Lord Stamford. I could not prevent his condition from worsening, I could not stop his recklessness, I could not even persuade him to see a doctor.”
“You helped Delilah,” Cassandra said flatly. “You helped me. You helped the doctors to administer their care secretly. You were a great help. Not to him, but to everyone.”
Kitty smiled. “You have such wonderful things to say. But I know I am no longer wanted or needed here.”
“I am sorry that she said those things to you, and I am sorry that you feel that way. If you truly wish to leave, I do not blame you,” Cassandra said, embracing Kitty. “Please return as soon as you can, as soon as you like. Delilah does not control her brother, or myself, or this hospital. The worst she can do is sulk.”
Kitty hugged Cassandra back warmly. “Thank you.”
“Come, we'll call you a private carriage,” Cassandra said, standing and inspecting her hair before extending her hand to Kitty.
They headed down the street to a small company which offered private carriages for hire, where Cassandra ordered one for Kitty, to take her wherever she wished that evening.
Once she was in the carriage, her luggage loaded, and Cassandra has returned to the hospital, Kitty was not sure where to go. Should she return to Helena? But what if the earl got worse, or Delilah had a change of heart? And she was feeling so tired.
Helena would wait for her. The surgery was a choice that could be made later on. And Kitty had been travelling up and down the country so much, helping others so much. Cassandra was right, she had been putting a lot of herself into this. It had been a relentless few months, physically and emotionally. She needed a rest. She needed to have someone look after her for a change. She needed to go home.
A carriage ride back home did not sound pleasant. But the idea of seeing her father, eating her favourite pudding, and sleeping in her own bed was very inviting. So that was what she decided to do. She sat back and looked out the window as London rolled by, the tall buildings giving way to smaller ones, the market stalls giving way to carriages and cottages, the people giving way to emptiness, and the smog giving way to the usual cloudy skies.
The carriage bumped along. The country scenes rolled by, each field the same as the last. The journey would take several days, a far cry from that innovative machine. But that machine belonged to the future, and Kitty did not. Her adventures were over.
It was not for her. The thing she had longed for her whole life was not what she had expected it to be. It had been fun, for a short while. It was good to know. But when she travelled across Spain, or rode in the steam carriage, it had not been the novelty that had made her happy, but the company, the destination, the purpose.
She wanted the earl. Nothing more, nothing less.
Spain had been about him. Staying at the mansion had been about him. The journey by steam had been about him. All she had wanted was to be by his side. Adventure had been the price she had to pay. She would not have continued going on adventures had it not been for him. After that initial trip through France she would have returned home, never to travel again.
But with the earl it was different. He made it fun. He made it easy. He made it worth the suffering.
And he was not hers to have. She had made a fool of herself by thinking otherwise. She would not make that mistake again. She would not go on another adventure.
Chapter 38
Home did not feel as happy as she had expected, but at least it felt reassuring. It was better than being anywhere else. Seeing her own garden, her own flowers, her own little childhood swing on the tree, was all she needed to know that this was somewhere she was wanted. She stepped out of the carriage and walked up to the door, knocking, then asking the servant to send for her father, and to find some footmen to help with her luggage. She then walked in and waited in the hallway.
Her father was shocked to see her. He had not heard of all that had happened and, fearing the worst, he rushed out of his study and embraced her, inviting her into the front room for a hot cup of tea by the fire. Kitty felt a surge of joy. She needed this. She needed to feel wanted, and loved, and cared for.
Sitting in her usual spot on the sofa, facing the fire, sipping a cup of hot tea, she began to weep softly. She told her father about everything that had happened. About Helena and her postponed surgery. About the earl's accident and his w
orsened injury. About Delilah's rejection. It felt so liberating to tell him. To just say everything she thought and felt. To be able to cry without feeling self-conscious.
Her father just listened patiently, barely able to drink his own tea as she relayed everything that had happened to her over the past few weeks.
“I see,” he finally said. “I am sorry you had to be hurt like that.” He poured some more tea for her.
It was nice to have him waiting on her. It was like when she was little. Back then he had asked servants to look after her, but she always complained of feeling alone. It was only when her mother and father came to tend to her, poured her tea, talked to her, combed her hair, that she felt secure and happy.
As she grew older she had become accustomed to being cared for by servants, and had learned that it was not reasonable to expect a baron and baroness to wait on her, even if she was their daughter. Still, whenever she was feeling unwell, her parents, and later only her father had cared for her. It was soothing.
She retired to bed early, without eating dinner. She did not feel hungry. She just wanted to rest and cry. She couldn't even properly sleep. She just lay there in the dark, alone with her thoughts.
This was what she got for her foolishness. For daring to reach for a man that she did not deserve. For opening her heart to hope. Girls like her did not get hope. Girls like her needed to be grateful for any progress they got, however small.
Kitty awoke and, for the first time in weeks, felt pain shooting through her legs, hips, and back. Even her arms and hands, for the first time in years, were sore. And, worst of all, everything was stiff, as though her joints had rusted up. It was not painful enough to make her afraid, but it was definitely painful enough to make her angry at herself. It was painful enough to frustrate her, and stop her from moving as she wanted to.
