Like me. After all the years, even after seeing Tom and Bruce dead, after hearing Mom’s story, right up to now—I still wanted to believe.
Gun ready, the officer planted his legs apart and reached for the door handle.
You didn’t believe in someone like that, you didn’t hold on to a dream that hard, when you wanted to hurt that person.
He just wants to see me. That was the truth. He meant it.
And I’d betrayed him. He was going to die.
The policeman threw open the door.
“No!” The scream tore from me, and I leapt forward, running, running. Knowing I wouldn’t make it in time. Everything happened so fast. The first two officers rushed in, shouting, “On the ground, on the ground!” My father yelled. I screamed louder, barreling toward the door. The officer closest to me pivoted and jumped in my path. He held his gun low, away from me, and shoved me back.
More shouts from the room, all at once:
“On the ground!”
“He’s got something in his hand!”
“Throw it down! Throw it down!”
I darted around the policeman. He scrambled to holster his gun so he could catch me. Too late. I rammed into the door jamb and ricocheted into the room.
“Stop! Don’t kill him!”
My father struggled on the floor. Four officers crowded over him, capturing his legs, pulling out handcuffs. Everyone was shouting.
“Stop!”
“Be still!”
“Give me your hands!”
The last officer caught up with me and yanked me back. “Get out of here.”
I burst into sobs. “Please, please, don’t hurt him.”
My father stilled. One officer snapped cuffs on his wrists. They hauled him to his feet.
He gazed at me.
Through blurry eyes I drank in the sight of him. He looked just like my mother had described. Still handsome. But his face had a hardness, as if life had worn him down. On that face I saw shock and betrayal. I also saw something else. Desperate hope.
“Shaley—”
“I’m sorry,” I cried. “I didn’t want to do it.”
A red-faced and puffing officer clutched my father’s arm. “When you went for that box you almost got yourself killed, man.”
A gun. He did have a gun.
A flash went off behind me, and I jumped. Feet pounded away. I swung around to look out the door. Cat was running down the hall.
Stunned, I swiveled back toward my father. I didn’t want to leave him. Then I thought of Cat and the photo—and what he’d do with it. Everyone in the world would see my father in handcuffs, surrounded by police.
“It’s the photographer!” I tore out after Cat.
My feet sprinted down the hall, breath chugging from my open mouth. Cat veered around a corner.
“Shaley, stop!” a man behind me cried. A second later two policemen passed me. They sped around the corner, and I started to follow. Someone caught me from behind and pulled me back. I jerked my head around to see Officer Tripton. “Let me go, I have to catch him!”
“They’ll get him, Shaley.”
“Let me go!”
Shouts and scuffles sounded from around the corner. I yanked my arm away from Officer Tripton and rushed around. Three feet away, Cat struggled with the policemen on the floor. His camera lay on the ground. I couldn’t stop in time. My foot caught one of Cat’s flailing arms, and I went down on top of him.
All the fury I’d felt at Cat and all the anger and disappointment and hurt churning against my father poured out of me. I pounded Cat’s head and face with both fists, screaming. “That’s what you get for chasing me! For trying to blackmail me! That’s what you get for hurting my mom! Stop it, just stop it!”
Strong arms pulled me off Cat and to my feet. Still my fists swung. Somebody pinned them to my sides. “It’s okay, Shaley, we got him.”
My chin dropped low, my chest heaving. I wanted to burst into tears but held them back.
Out the corner of my eye I saw Cat’s camera by my feet. I kicked it as hard as I could. It skidded across the floor and smashed into the wall.
One of the policemen handcuffed Cat and yanked him to his feet. His eyes met mine, and he sneered. Hatred rolled off me in waves.
The policeman holding Cat’s arm pulled him away. “Come on, buddy, let’s go.” He guided Cat toward the elevators some distance away.
Multiple footsteps filtered from around the corner. My father and the two other officers appeared. They were leading him away too. One of the officers held something in his hand, but I barely registered it. I could only stare at my father.
I’d done this. I’d sent him back to prison. Even though he deserved it, I just couldn’t …
My vengeance against Cat melted. In its place all I could feel was deep, terrible sadness. I focused on the floor, tears flooding my eyes.
“Shaley.” My father’s voice shook. “It’ll be okay.”
I looked up at him in surprise. How could he say that?
He gestured with his chin toward the policeman’s hand. “I brought something for you and your mom.”
My gaze dropped to see a long, white box.
With a tight smile, the policeman held it out toward me.
For the longest time I could only stare at it, remembering Mom’s story. Remembering Gary Donovon as she knew him. I thought of French class, and their first date. The day she sneaked over to his house. The night he got beat up. The gifts he’d sent her every month for the next eight years.
As if in a dream I reached out my hand and took the box. It felt smooth. Inviting. My throat choked up.
Blurry-eyed, I held the box in one hand and lifted off the lid.
Inside lay two white roses, each wrapped in green cellophane and tied with a red ribbon.
Part 14
Tuesday 2009
44
On Tuesday morning, my father visited Mom in her hospital room.
Seeing each other after all the years, the two of them deserved some privacy. I took a chair into the hall and sat with Wendell. On the outside I looked calm. But my insides jittered. So many unknowns. What would happen now? Could Mom and my father be friends? Would we ever see him again?
And what about the things we still didn’t know? That night his house burned, why had he fled all the way out of state where she could never see him? Why didn’t he ever call?
I’d been on the phone with Brittany for hours about it all. We hadn’t been able to figure it out.
But he’d brought us white roses …
The police guard had gone, no need for him now. Yesterday Detective Myner had questioned my father for hours at the Denver station only to decide they had nothing on the man. He appeared to be telling the truth about wanting to come just to see us. He’d never meant us any harm. He had no idea Jerry would hurt us. Jerry had gone crazy on his own. My father told the police about sharing a cell with Jerry, and they already knew those facts to be accurate.
In the end they let him go with a warning: “Watch yourself. Because we’re watching you.”
I witnessed the questioning through a one-way window. Detective Myner had been easy to convince about that. Not so with Mom and Ross—whom Mick had phoned as soon as I’d headed down the corridor with Officer Tripton. They finally gave in, and Ross went with me. Turned out to be a good thing. By the time the questioning was over, he believed my father too.
Busy watching my father, I hadn’t been able to see Cat’s interrogation. Didn’t matter. He was in jail, that’s what counted. Mom was pressing charges against him for assault, plus he’d be facing charges for the harassment in California and for breaking the restraining order. Mom also intended to sue Cat and Cashing In for her injuries. When she won—and she would—she’d put Cat and that rag magazine out of business for good.
The police had taken the film from Cat’s smashed camera. He hadn’t yet turned in the photo of me and Wendell. Even now as I sat with Wendell outside Mom’
s room, he didn’t know the story that could have gone around the world about the two of us.
“That’s really something.” Wendell leaned forward, powerful hands clasped between his knees. His short black hair was perfectly gelled straight up, as usual. “Your dad coming back after all this time.”
“Yeah. I know.”
He glanced at me. “Kinda dumb thing you did, Shaley, running into the middle of all those policemen and guns.”
As if Ross hadn’t told me the same thing a million times. I thought of his warning to me yesterday—don’t go running off by yourself, Shaley. Well, I hadn’t been by myself. I’d had five policemen around me.
“I know. I just … lost my head. I was so afraid they’d shoot him.”
Minutes ticked by in silence. I got up and wandered the width of the hall, back and forth, back and forth.
“How do you sit here all day, Wendell? This would drive me crazy.”
He grunted. “Not the funnest part of my job. Fortunately, I don’t do it for this long very often.”
I waited out there for over two hours.
Finally the door to Mom’s room opened. My father stuck his head out. “Shaley, could you come in now?”
Heart in my throat, I followed him inside.
Mom’s bed was cranked almost straight up. She wore her own clothes this morning. The pain hadn’t lessened much, but knowing my father was coming, she’d forced herself into the bathroom to clean up with a nurse’s help. The bump on her head was a dark purple.
In the presence of both my parents, I felt suddenly shy. I didn’t know how to be with a mother and father in the same room.
“Shaley.” Mom beckoned me to a chair by her bed. I sat down, my father standing beside me. “We’ve talked.” Mom smiled at him. “I want you to know that everything’s all right.”
I looked questioningly from her to him. “Okay.”
Mom gave me a weary smile. “There are still some things you need to hear.”
Oh, so many things. I nodded.
“Gary, tell her.”
Gary. She still called him Gary.
“Let me get the other seat.” My father headed for the door. He stepped into the hall and returned, carrying the chair. I watched his every move, unable to speak. He put it down and sat facing me.
“Now I can really look at you.”
I swallowed hard.
He took a deep breath. “Your mom said she’s told you about us.”
My chin went up and down the slightest bit. I could feel my heart knocking as I gazed into my father’s face.
“I want to tell you the truth about the night my house burned. It’s not what you were told, or what I told your mom at the time. The Westrock gang didn’t set that fire. I did.”
My mouth dropped open.
“They had me, Shaley. Westrock gang members lived all over Southern California, all over the state. There was nowhere I could go to get out from under them except far away. And if I stayed, I’d be their puppet. I’d have to do what they said—to keep my grandmother and your mom safe. Until the police caught me. And then I’d have to take the rap all by myself. A snitch in jail would be killed.” He stopped for a moment, as if gathering the strength to go on. “Even if I ran far, Bart would have people looking for me. Because he’d have to save face, you understand? He couldn’t let other members see he’d let someone slip from his grasp.”
I stared at him, remembering the words he’d insisted that Mom say to Bart. After you burned down Gary’s house, he and his grandmother left the state. He’s never coming back. And nobody’s going to the police. You tell him that, and he’ll leave you alone.
Sudden understanding locked in my mind. “You burned down your house so Bart would save face. He could tell everyone he did it—he forced you out of town.”
“That’s right.”
I shook my head. How awful. To forfeit everything he owned, everything his grandmother owned. To know he’d have to run with nothing but the clothes on his back …
My mother’s description of how he looked that night came back to me. His eyes told the truth. If he faltered now, if he hesitated one little bit, he’d lose his resolve completely—and stay.
Gary Donovon burned his own house, knowing he’d have to leave immediately. Leave the girl he loved. In order to keep her safe.
“But why didn’t you call?” I burst. “Mom could have come to see you in Arizona. You wouldn’t have to be apart forever!”
Pain quivered across his face. “You don’t know how much I wanted to. Day after day, night after night, I thought about your mom. I was so lonely. I missed her so much, missed my home. But I couldn’t risk it. As long as she didn’t know where I was, never talked to me, there was nothing Bart and his friends would want with her. After such a sacrifice of burning my own home, how could I gamble with her safety? So I reached out the one way I could. I sent her the roses.”
“But as time passed you didn’t think—maybe now it will be okay?”
“How could I know when that would be? And as time went on, I knew your mom’s life would have gone on too. Remember, I didn’t know about you. And I had my grandmother to take care of. She got a lot worse after that night. She lingered for nine years, then passed away. After that I … lost myself.”
A lump sat in my throat. I tore my eyes away from him and looked to Mom. She nodded. In that small motion I read a huge meaning. Yes, you can believe him. I do.
“So … Shaley, will you forgive me?” he asked. “Can we start from here?”
“But you lied to me. You told me you didn’t know I was here at the hospital. But you did.”
He looked at his feet. “I know. I’m sorry. I was so afraid you wouldn’t believe that I didn’t mean you any harm. I was afraid you’d think I was stalking you.”
That made sense, but still … Too many years had gone by. Too many disappointments. Lying was no way to start talking to somebody. My mouth firmed, and I looked my father square in the eye. “Don’t do that again. If you want me to trust you, if you want Mom to trust you, you can’t lie to us.”
He nodded solemnly. “You’re right. Here’s my promise—I won’t lie to either of you. Ever again.” He swallowed hard, and his eyes glimmered. “Prison changes a man. I have to learn how to live on the outside again. But I can put that behind me forever. I can live a good life, like I did before. And as I do that, I want to be a part of your life, Shaley.”
My heart turned over as I gazed again at the man before me. The father I’d waited so long to know, had begged God as a child to bring to me. My thoughts flicked to yesterday, huddled and crying in the bathroom. I’m ready to give myself to you, God, I’d prayed, but I’m not even sure how to start …
On the phone my father had told me people aren’t all black and white. That we live in shades of gray. “I’m asking you for forgiveness,” he’d said. Now he was asking again.
This is how it starts, isn’t it, God? With forgiveness.
My mouth trembled. I glanced at Mom, then leaned forward to take my father’s hands. “Yes, I forgive you. And I’m so glad you’ve come back.” My voice broke. I squeezed his hands. “I’ve waited for you for a very long time.”
45
That afternoon the band members would be going back to Southern California on their chartered plane. Mom couldn’t stand to stay behind.
“I’m already going crazy in this room,” she told Ross as he stood, arms folded, by her bed. My father was in the cafeteria, getting something to eat. “There’s nothing more the doctors need to do to me, and I can take pills for the pain. Just get me out of here, Ross. I want to go home.”
Home. My vision blurred. Brittany. Our house. My own bed. Please, please, yes. So much had happened in the last four days. I was exhausted. Like Mom, I just wanted to go home.
“Rayne.” Ross patted her cast. “You want to get out of here, you know I’ll make it happen.”
I leaned my head back and gazed at the ceiling. Thank you, God. Th
ank you!
Mom nodded. She raised her chin and gave him a Rayne O’Connor look. The searing, confident rock star eyes her fans knew so well. “We need three seats.”
“Three?” Ross raised his eyebrows.
“One for Gary.”
“Rayne, come on.”
Mom looked at me as she spoke. “Ross, he has to rebuild a life somewhere. All we’re doing is giving him a ride to Southern California.”
“Where he can be near you.”
“And me,” I jumped in. “I want to give him a chance.”
Ross shook his head. “He’s not the person you knew all those years ago, Rayne.”
“No. But neither am I.”
“You’ll regret this.”
Mom smiled to herself. “I don’t think so.”
I caught her hand. No, she wouldn’t. Neither would I. Prison might have hardened my father’s face, but his heart was the same. He just needed to get back to the man he used to be.
Ross heaved a sigh. “Okay, Rayne. It’s your life. Three seats.”
Happiness burst through me until I could hardly contain it. Whirling, I snatched up the cell phone on my bed. I pressed and held a well-used button. My best friend answered on the second ring. “Shaley, what’s going on?”
“Brittany, I’m coming home! Today!”
“Yay!” she squealed.
My voice choked up. I took a shaky breath—and spoke the words I’d dreamed of saying for years.
“And guess what else. I’m bringing my father with me.”
Discussion Questions for Last Breath
These discussion questions can be used in a book club (a mother—daughter book club, a teen book club) or even as questions to use with friends also reading this book.
1. In the opening of the book, Shaley manages to keep herself together, even after all that happened to her in Always Watching. How do you think she’s finding the strength? When hard things happen to you, where do you find the strength to deal with everything?
2. Shaley hates and fears the paparazzi because of her experiences with them. Do you think she’s being weak in this fear, given the fact that paparazzi have been following the band for years?
Last Breath Page 14
