by Anna Jacobs
But she couldn't, just couldn't stay near Des or he'd never leave her alone. He hated to lose control of anything.
Tomorrow she would get on with building herself a new life, go down to eat in the hotel restaurant, call her friends, start arranging for the move. She wasn't sure exactly what she'd do with herself in Lancashire, wasn't sure what she'd be like at living alone, but even if she didn't stay there, it'd give her a breathing space to get her head together again -and to find something to do with the rest of her life.
Three
Central London. Tourists, ancient monuments, museums. Chill winds, moist air threatening rain. Buildings, sky, pavements, roads - all toned perfectly in shades of grey.
Cal Richmond strode through the streets, avoiding people by instinct as worry etched away at his thoughts, worry about his twelve-year-old daughter, Lily. His ex was up to something, he knew it as surely as he knew his own name. Kerry was beautiful, capable and not to be trusted an inch where her own interests were concerned.
Why this summons to her lawyer's? What the hell else could she want of him? Why couldn't she have told him what was wrong when he'd picked Lily up for his fortnightly access visit the previous weekend? He paid maintenance promptly and willingly, took his daughter out whenever he was allowed, had her to stay with him for extra weekends whenever Kerry wanted to get away with her latest boyfriend. What more could a man who loved his child do?
Have her with him all the time.
The old longing crept unbidden into his mind, as it so often did. He knew Kerry was an efficient mother who cared properly for all Lily's physical needs, but she wasn't a demonstrative person. He'd rarely seen her cuddle Kerry since their daughter grew out of being a toddler and had been surprised when she'd insisted on custody. That was the only thing they'd quarrelled about, but mothers seemed to have an advantage in the legal system when it came to bringing up little girls.
The waiting area was overheated and he loosened his overcoat, unwinding the long, multi-coloured scarf Lily had knitted for him. When the receptionist called his name, he stood up thankfully. One way or the other, this would soon be settled and then they could get on with life until Kerry's next crisis.
In the office, his ex-wife was sitting primly at one side of the lawyer's desk, dressed in the black outfit she used to impress the authorities on solemn occasions, more conservative than her usual outfits though as flattering as all her other clothes. She was wearing well, didn't look thirty-nine. In fact, in the six years they'd been divorced she seemed to have thrived. Well, it had been plain almost from the start that they were a mismatch, but they were expecting a child and had agreed to try to make it work. And he'd been useful to her, looking after Lily so that she could go out to work as a publicity officer, a job she loved.
He looked at her outfit again. It shouted that it was an expensive designer creation. Not for the first time he wondered where she was getting her money from. Surely her job didn't pay for such exquisite clothes?
He nodded to her but she stared back at him stonily, as if he were a stranger.
'Please sit down, Mr Richmond.' The lawyer hesitated, took a deep breath then said, 'It's bad news, I'm afraid.'
'Oh?'
'Your wife has had DNA testing done on Lily, which proves conclusively that the child is not your daughter. Ms Foster is therefore . . . Mr Richmond! Please sit down.'
Cal stared at Kerry in horror. 'I don't believe you! Of course Lily's mine.'
'She doesn't even look like you, with that red hair!' Kerry snapped. 'I'd have thought you'd be glad. It means you won't need to pay any more maintenance.'
'I've never resented paying maintenance for Lily and well you know it. How the hell did you get a sample from me?'
'You cut your finger when you were fixing that shelf in Lily's room.' Kerry gave him one of her tight, smug smiles.
He had often wanted to shake her and tell her to stop playing games, but never had the desire burned as fiercely as it did today.
The lawyer intervened. 'Please sit down, Mr Richmond. That's better. Now, let's discuss this in a civilized manner.'
Cal ignored the man's bleating and addressed his wife. 'You're trying to take Lily away from me. Well, I won't have it. She's mine in every way that matters and I love her.' He watched Kerry's lip curl in that sneer she did so well. 'Anyway, I don't believe you.'
'She's not yours. I've always suspected it, so in the end I had the tests done.'
'I don't care two hoots about your tests. Whatever they prove, if they prove anything, she's my daughter because I've helped bring her up.'
'She's not yours. I'm marrying again and Wayne's adopting her then we're all moving to the States. I'll pay you back the maintenance, if you like, and I apologize for deceiving you. I wasn't sure ... I'd hoped . . .' She gave her lawyer a help-me look.
Comprehension roared through Cal. She wanted to move away from England and knew he'd never let her take Lily away from him. This was a trick, it must be. 'I insist on new tests being done, tests where I can see the provenance of the samples. I won't believe anything until I see that.' It couldn 't be true. Dear God, it just couldn't!
She gave an exaggerated sigh and looked at the lawyer.
'Since Mr Richmond didn't willingly provide a sample, it's a reasonable request, Ms Foster. The courts will also need to be sure of the provenance of the samples.'
Scowling, she turned back to Cal. 'Very well. But it won't make any difference. I'm telling you the truth. You're not Lily's father. I've always known it. Why do you think I rushed you into marriage?'
He felt sick to the stomach because her words had a ring of cold truth, but he wasn't giving in so easily. I am her father, whether biologically or not. And if you try to stop me seeing her this weekend, I'll go straight to the children's court for access.'
She glanced at her lawyer again.
'Unless you fear he'd harm the child, it's a reasonable request, Ms Foster.'
'Oh, very well. But you're not to upset her.'
'Have you told Lily?' Cal asked.
'Yes.'
'How did she take it?'
'She got a bit upset. But children get over these things very quickly.'
Cal bit back hot words of protest. Lily wouldn't get over him quickly, he was sure, any more than he'd get over her. He'd loved her from the minute she was born - and she loved him too, far more than she loved the mother who could hardly be bothered to listen to her these days and who had little idea of their gifted child's hopes and aspirations. Then he remembered something else. Lily had been born a month early. He felt sick to the core. It couldn't be true, could it?
The lawyer stood up.I'll be in touch about the tests, Mr Richmond.'
Cal walked outside, his soul in torment. If they took Lily away from him, he didn't know what he'd do. He could see why the legal system drove men to desperate measures, but he'd never hurt his child, or anyone else for that matter.
He had to see Lily, talk to her, make her understand that whatever the outcome of the tests he would still consider himself her father in every way that mattered.
Cal couldn't pick Lily up until Saturday, his usuakvisiting day, because Kerry refused point-blank to give him access sooner, or even allow him to speak to their daughter on the phone. But she forgot about email and he was able to contact Lily as soon as he got home, telling her he loved her whatever the damned tests showed.
Her reply was unlike her usual chatty emails. Short. Guarded.
I can't think straight about this, Dad. Can we just go back to your place on Saturday and talk?
Lily
He had tears in his eyes as he read this and typed his agreement to do whatever she wanted.
When Saturday came Cal arrived half an hour before his usual time. Lily ran out immediately without looking back or waving farewell to her mother, and flung herself into his car. Kerry came to stand on the doorstep, arms folded. He knew that look. She wasn't happy about this visit, was plotting something.
'She says you're not.'
He drew round the corner, drew over to the kerb and stopped the car, then pulled her to him in a cracking hug. 'Do I feel any different? You don't.'
She blinked at him, tears welling in her eyes, then buried her face in his shoulder.
After a moment or two he said, 'How about I drive us home and we don't talk till we get there? I'm upset too, you know, and I don't want to cause an accident. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me in my whole life.'
'Me, too.'
In the house they went into the kitchen and he made hot chocolate, her favourite comfort drink. They carried the cups into the sitting room and sat close together on the sofa.
'Did you know you weren't my - my biological father?' she asked.
'No. I hadn't the faintest idea.'
'She said you always suspected something, that you'd asked her before and she'd been too afraid of you to admit it.'
Disgust rolled through him at Kerry's cunning, making him feel physically sick. 'That's not true! I never suspected a thing. And she was never, ever afraid of me. I'm a geek, not a macho man. If anything, I was always too soft with her.'
'She's going to try to stop us meeting after today. I overheard her talking to Wayne. We're supposed to go and live with him in Texas, but I won't do it, whatever she says. I want to be near you and - ' she hesitated then added quietly - 'I'm English and I'm staying English.'
When her hand crept into his, Cal held it tightly. 'I don't know what to think, what to advise, but you have to remember that she's going to put her own spin on the facts whenever she says anything about me. Everyone does.'
Lily rolled her eyes. 'It's more than that, Dad, and you know it. Mum's an expert at twisting the truth. You should hear what she says to Wayne about you.'
He sighed. He hated to blacken Kerry in her daughter's eyes, but his ex sounded to be working against him already.
'Well, don't believe anything about me until you hear it from my own lips.'
Lily sniffed and took another sip of her chocolate drink. 'She may be able to stop us meeting or talking - and I think she definitely will, because she's taken my mobile phone away from me already - but she can't stop us emailing. If she takes away my computer, there's always an Internet cafe or I can email from my friends' houses. I've already arranged with Karen that if I pass her a note, she'll email it to you for me. I'll get myself an online email address, so that you can send messages there, not to the home computer.'
He was aghast. 'Is all this necessary?'
She turned a knowing gaze on him, a woman's look not a child's. 'You know it is. This isn't a time to be thinking the best of people, Dad. We have to make plans.'
'How can I do anything till I know the facts? We have to get the results of the new tests. Maybe there's been a mistake.' But the words sounded lame even to his own ears.
'The tests will only slow her down. She's got everything planned, believe me. She always does have.'
'You shouldn't talk about your mother in that tone.' He hesitated. 'Did she - tell you who your biological father was?'
Lily shook her head. 'It's not Wayne. She's only known him for a year or so. When I asked her she said it's none of my business who my father is. Can you believe that? None of my business .'
They spent the day at Cal's flat, watching DVDs of movies they'd seen and loved before, but paying little attention to them. Talking. Thinking. Just hanging out together.
'You're too cynical for your age,' he said, giving her a hug. 'And you shouldn't have to face all this.'
She shrugged. 'I've always been old for my age. I wonder what my biological family background is like.'
This new hard edge to her tore at his heart - it showed a resemblance to her mother, though Lily had a sweetness to her nature that Kerry didn't. But the girl was only twelve, for heaven's sake, she should have nothing worse to worry about than school, what to wear and her friends.
When it came time for her to leave, Lily lost all her assurance and burst into tears, clinging to him, weeping, begging him to let her stay with him.
'Sweetheart, you know I daren't. It'd give your mother more ammunition. We'll do what we said, stay on email, make plans, see if we can persuade her—'
'To do what? Wayne's rich. She's really excited about going to live with him in America. They're talking about marriage, you know.'
'Do you get on with him?'
'I don't not get on with him. He gives me presents, chats while he's waiting for her. But he doesn't really see me. He only sees her. His tongue's hanging out all the time he's round our place. It's gross.'
Cal gave her another hug and looked at his watch. 'We really do have to leave now, sweetheart.'
'You'll see a lawyer, find out where you really stand? Promise me. Don't take her word for anything,' Lily said urgently as he drove her back.
'Yes, of course. As soon as we get the results from the tests.'
When they got there, Kerry came to the door. Wayne was standing at the living-room window, watching. She sent Lily inside and glared at Cal. 'She's been crying.'
'She'd been crying before I picked her up as well. She doesn't want to leave me. Kerry, why don't you let me have custody? You know I'll look after her properly.'
'No way. You're not her father.'
'I'll fight you all the way, you know that.'
'With what? You have no grounds to challenge me on what I do about Lily.'
She said that so confidently. Could she be right? Surely they wouldn't be so cruel to him?
When he got home he tried to work, then gave in and wept. Men weren't supposed to do that, but he couldn't keep a stiff upper lip about losing Lily.
Kerry's lawyer had a letter hand-delivered the very next day, since Cal worked mainly at home. It set up an appointment for the taking of DNA samples from him and Lily, and stated that owing to the child having been upset the previous day, further access meetings would be suspended pending a decision by the courts.
He gave the DNA sample, watched as they took one from Lily and managed to hug her before Kerry could stop him. Then he waited until the lawyer's clerk, who'd been there as an observer, had left. He was pretty sure the laboratory, part of a well-known chain, wouldn't let the samples be tampered with.
Afterwards he saw a lawyer of his own, who took notes about his 'case' and said he'd better not do anything to rock the boat until the test results came back and they were more certain of exactly where they stood.
But the man did admit that the legal situation wasn't as black and white as Kerry had said, not by any means. Cal tried to take some comfort from that, but it was all so chancy, with so many ifs and buts that he couldn't see his way clearly.
After that the test results were all he could think about. His work suffered. It was hard to design clever web pages when his heart felt torn apart, when he had no weekend visit from Lily to look forward to, when the ground felt to hayeCshifted beneath his feet and further earthquakes still threatened.
It was two months before Judith's knee was well enough for her to move to Lancashire. During that time she stayed at a hotel, reading a lot, trying to get used to the new laptop computer she'd bought, seeing as much of Mitch as she could. While she relished the idea of what her stay was costing Des, she was increasingly frustrated by her physical limitations and wished desperately that she was in her own home.
She didn't press charges of assault against Des but made sure her lawyer had evidence that it had happened - just in case.
In case of what? She wasn't sure. Des had never thumped her before. It seemed so unlike him, though during the past year or so his temper had been more chancy than usual. Well, he wouldn't get the opportunity to thump her again, she would make sure of that.
Various frien
ds visited her at the hotel, curious as to why she wasn't recuperating at home. 'Des and I have split up,' she told them, always adding, 'but I don't intend to discuss the reasons for that with anyone.'
She hated the thought of her private pain being paraded for everyone to pick at, so usually turned the conversation towards the village she was moving to in Lancashire and her intention of spending more time on her painting. 'Once I'm settled in, you must come and visit,' she told one or two particular friends - but only those whose husbands were not dependent on doing business with Des. She didn't want to expose anyone else to his business spite.
Four
March. Snow one day, immaculately white. A week later, golden sunshine and the first daffodils dance lightly across the land, challenging winter s greyness.
Eventually the time came for Judith to arrange her move. She informed Des's lawyer of the coming move, saying she hadn't fixed on an exact date yet.
Des turned up at the hotel the very next day. She. was so stunned to see him when she opened the door that he'd walked in before she could protest.
She remained where she was, didn't even try to close the door. 'Go away.'
'I want to talk.'
'Well, I don't'
When he came towards her, she flinched, couldn't help it, even though she hated herself for doing it.
He took a step backwards, spreading out his hands. 'For Christ's sake, woman, it was an accident. I didn't mean-to knock you down the stairs. I've never hit you before, have I? I lost my temper. Can't we even talk now?'
'What is there to talk about? I've left you. Period.'
He put one arm round her, slammed the door with his other hand and drew her over towards the couch. 'That's what I want to talk about.'
She was horrified at her own reaction to his touch, for her body was responding to him as it always had. For a moment, she desperately wanted him to touch her, hold her - even persuade her to stay. She hated herself for that, so she pulled away and repeated, 'What's to discuss?'
He pushed her gently down on the couch and sat next to her. 'I'd like to discuss whether it's really necessary for us to split up, Judith. We were a family and we can be again. It's you who's driving this and not only is it not good for Mitch, it's not what I want either. Ah, come back home, darlin'.'
