I knew I needed to go and find him. I wiped the tears from my face and headed back to our room to clean myself up before I went to apologize.
I got back to our cabin to find Jude sitting on the veranda step, smoking a cigarette. He looked at me and moved over. Then he gestured for me to sit beside him. I did so in silence. We sat looking out at the dark sea for a long time before either of us said anything. I could feel his disappointment in me.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said.
He turned to face me, but I would not look at him.
‘You have to let it go,’ Jude sighed. ‘This is real. Let me in, properly. I can’t trust myself when I’m with you and you get like that. I just, I don’t know what to do.’ There was desperation and a loss of hope in his voice.
‘You don’t,’ I swallowed, ‘I want to believe you.’
‘Go on.’
‘Oh fucking hell, here goes. I feel like I might suffocate. I love you so much, and I feel like a bloody fool.’ I looked at the ocean. ‘You, on the other hand, say all the right things. It seems easy for you, but I’m scared, Jude. I’m really fucking scared.’
‘I know that. That’s why you put up the tough guy front.’
‘Yes, exactly, but if you knew.’
‘If I knew what? If I knew how scared you were, I’d what? End it? Run away?’
‘Yes,’ I said quietly.
‘Give me some credit. You don’t get it, do you? I know about your front and I can see past it. I see the real you. Please look at me.’
I couldn’t respond. My body was frozen and I didn’t move. He touched my chin, and I flinched.
‘Look at me, Annabel,’ he said again. Slowly I turned to face him. I knew the moment I looked into his eyes every barrier I had ever put up would be shattered.
‘Look, I’m not expecting an easy ride. I’m sure there’ll be hurdles but I’m in this for the long haul. Do you understand what I’m saying to you? I fucking love you. Every time you do that dismissive thing, it kills me. You’re not the only one who’s scared, you know. This is bigger than both of us. We’re going to need to work at it. But don’t kill it before it’s even begun. Just let me in. Otherwise, what is the point? What are we doing here?’ He stopped and considered what he wanted to say.
‘I’m not going to leave you like Lucy or your dad.’
The statement lingered in the air.
It was too much for me. I burst into tears and Jude held me as I cried for my past. He gently rocked me and stroked my hair. My tears subsided, but we remained seated in the same position for hours, cradling each other tightly, like our lives depended on it. We had said everything that we needed to. As the time passed, a feeling of peace began to wash over me. I knew he felt it too.
We went back into the condo and decided to toast our first proper argument by opening a bottle of vodka. I had calmed down but the emotion of the evening and our discussion had taken it out of us both. We did what people on holiday do; we set about getting drunk.
The next thing I knew he was gently shaking me from my slumber of the sofa, saying my name and whispering we should go to bed. I nodded and he led me by the hand. I got into bed and he disappeared into the bathroom. I was asleep before he came back.
* * *
I feel his hot breath on my neck. There is a stabbing pain in my stomach, no lower than that, it’s in my groin. My pelvic muscles feel like they are being torn. His weight is on top of me, heavy on my chest, making it harder to breath. This can’t be happening. He is inside me. There is a damp patch on my neck from his saliva. He is grunting. Whispering into my ear.
‘You like that, I’m in your cunt. Take it, take it.’ He is licking me. My groin is so dry, and he is pushing harder, forcing entry. The pain is so new I wonder if it is real. My thighs are trembling, shaking. I can smell him on me. Get him off! I scream inside my own head. But I can’t speak, gagged with a filthy rag. He smells like fried eggs and dirt. His sweaty brow is so close to my face. If I could bite him I would, but I can’t move. He pushes harder. The rhythm of my rape is slow and steady. This is the longest moment of my life. My eyes are closed and my mind is fracturing. Maybe this is not happening. I float outside of myself. I am watching a film. That can’t be me. I am not shackled to a bed, in a damp cellar. I am not bleeding from the head. I am not missing a tooth. My mouth is not filled with blood. I have not been lying in my own vomit. He is not inside me, his penis pushing into my body, his skin up against mine, his stubble grating against my cheek. Open your eyes again, I tell myself. Open them and you will see that this is not real. I open them and I see it in the mirror, the reflection of a monster raping me. I can see his spotty pale buttocks and the hair on his testicles. I am going to be sick. I am going to choke. Help me. I can’t breathe, stop. Someone help me. I am going to die. This is my death. Oh fuck. And then I see it, the moon in the glass of the mirror. It is so beautiful. Its pale face wobbles with the tears in my eyes. I must look at it. Focus, I tell myself, focus on the moon. Don’t look at the other face, the monster’s face. I can feel my groin fill with warm liquid. He has finished. His sperm is inside me. White tadpoles infecting me. He is just lying there. Get off! Get off me! I close my eyes. I hoped to die right there beneath the watery moon.
Chapter 5
I woke up exceptionally early the next morning. It was just after six am and the sun was in the early stages of rising. Beams of light pushed through the clouds and bounced off the waves. The sea was still dark, but chinks of it were beginning to turn turquoise. Jude lay next to me, asleep, snoring with his mouth slightly ajar. I could hear the morning birds calling to one another. I lay there for a while, listening to the land slowly wake up. I watched Jude’s breathing, his chest rising and falling.
I lay in bed, thinking about the journey we had travelled together since our first meeting. My mind whirled when I realized and accepted that he was the one. But I still felt strange and out of time.
Half an hour passed before I decided to get up and shower. I stood beneath the heavy flow, letting the water fall onto my neck and down my back. Steam rose all around me and clouded the glass walls. I wrote his name in the condensation only to watch it disappear as if it had never existed. I reached for my shampoo and lathered my hair, inhaling the scent of rosehips and honey. As the soap flowed down my body I was struck by the sight of red gushing from my crotch. Blood poured out of me and pooled around my feet, before dancing around the plughole. I closed my eyes at the horror of what I saw. When I opened them again I was clean. I had just imagined it. The noise of the shower had become a thud, and I was suffering with a hangover. I flipped the tap off and stepped out onto the cool white tiles. I slipped on Jude’s cotton dressing gown.
I wandered out of the bathroom and picked up a packet of cigarettes lying on the bedside table next to Jude who was still dozing. It was nearly seven and I decided to go outside and watch the day begin. I sat on the steps of our porch and listened to the world and the sounds of the ocean. I heard birds, and in the distance I could make out a faint hum of music coming from the hotel reception. A jogger passed by on the beach as I finished my cigarette and stubbed it out in the sand. As the embers flared and died sadness flicked through my mind. Then I went back inside and got back into bed.
Jude was still asleep as I quietly crept under the sheets and lay down. The sun was now up in the sky and shining directly in through our window. A streak of light spread across the bed and highlighted his face and every hair on his head. I watched him wake up. The light had invaded his dream world and brought him back into mine. He let out a large yawn before opening his eyes for a moment. He smiled at me, reached out for my hand, and then drifted off to sleep again.
Suddenly, I felt aware of my nakedness. On the back of a chair, hung his pale blue T-shirt. I felt at home in his clothes and slipped the soft cotton on over my head. It smelled of his skin, and I breathed it in as the material went over my head. It was too big for me, but I didn’t mind.
I watched Jud
e stir and wished him a good morning. He yawned and sat up.
‘Christ, my mouth is dry,’ he said.
‘Hang on, I’ll get you a glass of water.’ I sprung up and made my way into the bathroom to fetch a glass.
‘You’re a saint,’ he said.
I gave him the water and he took a long gulp before putting it on a coaster on his bedside table. I rested my hand on his knee.
‘How you feeling?’
‘Pretty rough.’ He reached out for the glass of water, ‘I think I may need to sleep a bit longer. What’s the time?’
‘Quite early,’ I said. I watched him gulp the water down, and I decided I needed to say something important.
‘You realize that one day, when we’re old and grey, we’ll be able to tell our children about this place.’ I stared up at the fan above our bed, which slowly circled around and around, going nowhere. ‘Maybe even bring them here.’
‘You really believe that?’ he sounded surprised.
‘I think I do.’
He reached for a cigarette.
‘Fate, destiny, whatever you want to call it, I think we’re just in the right place at the right time,’ I said.
‘You think that this was meant to be?’
‘I think we are offered the left or right path, and whichever one we take tends to be the one we were meant to travel. Everything happens for a reason, I’m sure.’
‘It’s too bloody early for this now,’ Jude grunted, and pulled the covers over his head.
There was a knock at the door. Room service had arrived with our breakfast. I pulled one of the sheets off the bed and wrapped it around my naked lower body. I welcomed the waitress in and took the heavy tray. Once she’d left the room, I reached for a silk cushion on the small sofa and playfully hurled it at Jude. I suggested we venture down to the main beach and spend some time soaking up the sun, followed by a leisurely walk around the market.
After breakfast, we changed into our swimsuits and went for a quick dip, before making our way towards the town. The sky was mildly overcast and the sea was slightly rougher than it had been.
Jude stopped to pick up a stone from the sand, feeling its glossy circumference in his hand for a moment, before violently launching it out into the grey-blue waves. I watched the pebble tumble through the air and land with a splash at an impressive distance. I bent down to find him another. I found two more and silently offered them to him. He smiled and again hurled them off into the watery distance. I remained squatting on my heels, watching him. He stood gazing out at the ocean, with a far-away look in his eyes. I wandered up and down the shore, collecting more stones. He didn’t move, just stood with his arms folded, looking out into nothingness. After about ten minutes, I approached him and dropped my pebble collection on the sand nearby. I stood behind him and put my hands on his upper arms. He was at least six inches taller than I was, and I was very aware of this as I planted a kiss between his shoulder blades. He fingered his last pebble for a moment, before offering it to me.
‘Here you go,’ he said, ‘throw it.’
I nodded and took a step away from him before launching the stone with all my might. I watched as it cut through the air before plummeting down into a watery grave.
‘Laid to rest,’ I said as I moved in closer to him. He wrapped his arms around me and held me close as if we were caught in a cold wind.
‘Let’s get going,’ I suggested.
* * *
It’s daylight. The room is still dark. The small window lets in hardly any natural light. Probably a good thing. The little I can see is horrific enough. There is dried blood on my thighs. It has come from my aching crotch. It is sticky down there. I feel like my womb, my ovaries, everything has been pulled out of me. I feel so hollow. Like my organs have been replaced with a black hole of pain. I can smell his semen in the air, musty like rancid bed sheets. My knees are black and blue. My wrists throb from all the tugging I have done, trying to free myself. It is useless. I am not strong enough. It would take the strength of one thousand men to free me. I am so cold. I have splinters in my back, in my bottom, from the wooden bed. My stomach looks so flat and empty. I haven’t eaten for hours. I am wasting away. My head is pounding. I am tender all over. Think for fuck sake, think! The room looks different from last night. I can see spider webs above me, in the beams. I hate spiders. Don’t think about them, I tell myself. Concentrate on trying to get away. I search every inch of my prison cell with my eyes. The room is bare apart from the bed, the mirror, and me. The camera is there still. Look at it. The little red light is on. It’s flashing. I’m being recorded. Panic floods me again. Am I being watched? Revulsion creeps over my skin, and I shudder. He has removed my gag. I slowly open my jaw. It’s so stiff. My throat hurts. I need water. I scream. ‘Help me! Pleeease’ over and over. I say it so many times that the words begin to sound foreign. My throat is completely raw. I can’t keep this up. I look into the camera. ‘Please bring me a drink, some water, please, I’m begging you. Water.’ Are you there? I wonder. Are you watching me right now, you sick fuck? I close my eyes. The smell of my agony envelops me again. I want to cry, but I don’t. My eyes are too dry. They feel like sand. My body can’t spare the tears. Dry sobs echo against my misery.
* * *
The clouds in the sky were sparse now, and I could feel the heat from the sun burning down on my shoulders and neck. A lizard dashed up one of the walls as we made our way back down to the beach to watch another sunset. Each one was so different. I would never get bored of seeing the light fade. Sometimes the skies were drenched with beams and coloured clouds, others were clear and gradual. At the same time every evening, just as the sun was beginning to set, the beach would suddenly empty, all except for a few couples scattered along the shore, walking together inhaling the romance beneath the vanishing sun and waxing moon.
We walked along the shore, our feet tickled by the playful waves, and made our way back to our hut. The sea was bluish-purple, and in the distance I saw a ship approaching. The light from it floated just above the water like an extra-terrestrial investigating the planet. I sat on our porch and watched its slow journey towards us. Jude showered. I knew I should have been blissfully happy, but I still could not shake the uneasy feeling in my gut.
I did my best to push it away as Jude opened the door and emerged, a clean white towel wrapped around his waist. I noticed he had really caught the sun. His copper-toned skin made the darkness of his eyes stand out more than usual and I caught my breath. He rested one of his hands on his stomach. I smirked at him.
‘What’s that look for?’
‘You’ll laugh at me.’
‘Belle’ Jude frowned.
‘Ok, it’s stupid and you’ll laugh, but ok. I was just wondering what our children might look like.’
I paused with bated breath, waiting to defend my feminine fantasies.
‘Your looks and my brain I reckon,’ he said with a tantalizing smile.
‘Ha, they’re screwed then, aren’t they?’
He bent down and nuzzled his face into my neck, gently biting, while he pulled at the string of my bikini.
‘Oh, fuck off!’
He laughed and sat down behind me, bringing his strong legs around either side of my hips. I leaned back into him.
‘I’m a girl who has grown up on a diet of fairy tales,’ I explained, ‘and nothing less will do.’
The two of us stayed there for a little while, sharing a cigarette and admiring the stars that slowly began to appear, pricking the sapphire sky around the huge moon. He softly hummed a song, tunelessly. It made me smile. I suppose that it’s the little things that make a person who they are.
I was finally feeling relaxed, when Jude suggested that we strolled back into the town to grab a bite to eat and try and get hold of some weed. I thought that was a great idea and made my way into our room to wash and dress. Jude sat on the bed the whole time, with one eye on the news channel, the other watching me.
�
�Ready?’
‘Yup.’ I gave a nod.
‘Let’s make a move then.’ Jude slapped his knees as he got up from the bed and reached for the room key.
I stretched out my hand and took hold of his, as he closed the door behind us. We set off into the warm night. A light wind blew in from across the ocean and ruffled the palm leaves. They shook in sync with one another, and in time with the lapping waves that crashed onto the shore before pulling the sands back out with them. I could tell it was calm beneath the waves. I imagined the marine life there swimming in and out of the corals that littered the blue oblivion.
When we reached the town centre it felt as if it had been a longer walk than usual. Light from various bars flooded the streets, busy with people chatting and laughing. A local man passed by, guiding a young elephant with him, selling rides to tourist children. Although the animal didn’t seem to mind, Jude said it should be with the herd walking free in the forest. His love of animals was another trait of his I adored.
I spotted a cosy restaurant a few yards away and pulled him in. The barman nodded at a table in a far corner and signalled for us to take a seat. I threw my handbag over the back of my chair and sat down opposite Jude. The menus were already on the table and Jude enthusiastically unfolded the laminated card to inspect his options. I carefully observed his face. I wanted to remember that exact moment. Memories are built out of observations and feelings, and I wanted to absorb every ounce of him and have it carved into my mind.
My stare was still fixed on him when a waiter appeared and rudely demanded that we order. I rapidly scanned the list of dishes and picked one out. We also ordered a couple of beers, and a jug of water to share, which were delivered to our table with lightning speed. I made a toast to Christmas as we took long gulps of the cool, refreshing beer. The bubbles swelled and slipped down my throat.
BENEATH THE WATERY MOON a psychological thriller with a stunning twist Page 14
