by Trudy Stiles
My heart hurts for Sam, knowing that her parents were taken from her. Peggy gave me a brief history on Sam before she came to take care of Kai. I know her parents died when she was sixteen, and Peggy has raised her since.
“She’s a lucky girl to have you,” I say as I watch Sam get out of the pool. She’s wearing a black bikini that hugs her body perfectly. Her curly hair is piled on top of her head. She grabs a towel hanging from a hook and starts to dry herself. I turn from the window, feeling like a voyeur.
“I’m the lucky one, Garrett. She saved my life.”
“Oh?”
“Not literally, of course. But figuratively. When my brother was killed, I felt like I’d lost everything. He and I were so close and we only had each other. When he died, I had a renewed sense of life and purpose. I’d always helped other families. Now I was given a chance to help my own. It broke my heart to see Sam through the rest of her teenage years, but it also strengthened it knowing what I was doing for my brother and his wife.”
“You and Sam have a unique gift. Taking care of other people, the level that you both do, is astounding. Commendable.” They’re definitely both from the same gene pool, that’s for sure.
The back door slides open and Sam enters the kitchen, wrapped in a towel. She’s shivering. “I forgot dry clothes,” she stammers and looks stunned to see me. Her cheeks flush pink and she pulls the towel tighter around her thin frame.
I walk past her to the closet in the hallway and remove a plush white robe and hand it to her.
“Why do you have a woman’s robe in your closet?” she asks then quickly follows it up with, “Never mind, I don’t want to know.” She takes the robe, lets the towel drop and quickly pulls the robe on over her shaking shoulders. She does it so quickly I’m barely able to catch a glimpse of her body. But what I’m able to see is magnificent.
I’m glad she didn’t press me for an answer. Several other women have worn that exact robe. The hot tub is just down the stairs on the deck, and I keep it in the hall closet for emergency use only. Every time Peggy does my laundry, she can’t help herself but comment that these robes should be disposable. That explains why she’s giving me a nasty look now that I’ve given this robe to Sam to wear. I know she doesn’t approve of my extracurricular activities.
Sam walks over to Peggy and Kai. “How is he?” she asks.
Peggy gives her the same answer she gave me, and Sam squeals, quickly throwing her hands over her mouth. “He just ate four ounces?” she asks, and tears form in her eyes.
“Yes,” Peggy says proudly.
“And I missed it?” She sinks into the couch and sighs.
“He’ll be ready for another bottle when he wakes up in about an hour,” Peggy assures her.
I sit on the couch next to Sam and my knee brushes against hers. She quickly moves over, placing a throw pillow between us. I should have found something else for her to wear. One of my sweatshirts maybe. It feels wrong that she’s wearing a robe that other girls have worn. Girls who mean nothing to me. She doesn’t deserve to wear something that groupies have touched. I’m throwing them out tomorrow.
“Can I try feeding him when he wakes up?” I ask without even thinking.
Sam and Peggy both gasp and look at me. “Are you serious?” Sam asks, astounded.
Shit. Now what?
“I guess?” I reply timidly.
“Alright then. Let me go get changed.” She jumps off the couch and says to Peggy, “Can you bring Kai upstairs in a little while? Give me like fifteen minutes. I’ll fix him a bottle and bring it with me.”
Peggy nods her head and addresses me. “Are you ready?”
My body tenses up, and I realize I’ve made a huge mistake.
HIS SCREAMS ARE THE FIRST THING I hear when I reach the landing of the stairs. I don’t want to, but I continue walking toward his nursery. My heart pumps wildly in my chest and my hands are clammy. I can’t do this.
I can run right now. Down the stairs and out the door. Peggy left a few minutes ago, so there’s nobody to stop me. I can be at the airport in less than an hour and fly anywhere I want.
But my mother’s voice rings in my ears. He needs you.
I hesitantly walk toward the high-pitched cries and push the door open slowly. Sam is walking with Kai, holding him tight against her chest. She doesn’t notice me enter at first, and I quietly observe her. How can she stay so calm and focused while Kai is obviously in excruciating pain?
She sees me and gestures that I take a seat in the rocking chair. “I don’t know about this…” I say and begin to back up toward the door.
“He’ll be okay in a minute. I just changed his diaper and he’s a little overstimulated.”
I sit in the chair and it feels uncomfortable. It’s not as plush as I expected it to be, and I make a mental note to buy a new one. Sam sleeps in this chair, and it can’t be comfortable for her.
Her left hand moves in a smooth circular motion as she rubs Kai’s back. His crying has stopped, but she continues to walk slowly around the room. I’m tense waiting for her to bring him to me. I look down at my hands, wondering how I’m going to hold him.
She approaches me and smiles. “You okay?” she asks.
“No.”
“Put your arms out and place your right elbow on the armrest.” I do as she says and she bends down slowly, transferring Kai into my stiff arms. “Try to relax. He’s very sensitive and will react to your rigidness.” I can’t relax and only stiffen my arms more. I’m surprised by the weight of him as my arms sink a little. He feels heavier than he looks. Her hands are no longer on him, and she places them on my shoulders, pressing down gently but firmly. I look up at her, surprised.
“You need to relax. Drop your shoulders and the tension will leave your arms.” She slides her hands from me and sits on the ottoman that she’s pulled close to us.
Kai squirms a little, and I look down at him, making eye contact for the very first time. His eyes are wide open and he’s looking right at me. My heart stops when I see the innocence and light in his eyes. He’s depending on me, and I’m his lifeline right now. I’m overcome with… I don’t know what. This isn’t a moment I ever envisioned happening. I’m holding a child. My son. This is so surreal, and I’m afraid I’m doing everything wrong. Sam places a hand on Kai’s head, stroking gently. “He sees you,” she says softly.
I can’t take my eyes off of him. He looks so content. Relaxed. I focus on taking deep, even breaths. I don’t want to jostle him, causing him to cry or become uncomfortable. Sam’s presence is soothing and I begin to relax. How does she have this power over Kai? Over me?
“Hey, buddy,” I say quietly. He blinks and purses his lips, like he’s about to blow a tiny little bubble.
“He’s hungry,” Sam says, and she places a warm bottle into my hand.
I look up at Sam and her eyes soften. “Don’t worry, I’ll walk you through it.”
She places her soft hand over mine and helps guide the bottle toward Kai’s mouth. The tip touches his lips, and he opens his mouth so he can eat. His eyes close immediately and he begins sucking on the bottle like his life depends on it.
“See how easy it is?” Sam asks and removes her hand from mine. She looks down at Kai affectionately.
“Now what?” I ask, and my nerves start to take hold of me again. “Am I feeding him too much? Has he eaten four ounces yet?”
“Not yet. He can’t eat that quickly. He’s probably only taken an ounce. Let’s give him another minute or two and then you’ll need to burp him. You’ll do that a couple of times before he finishes that bottle.”
Burp him? Shit.
“I don’t think I can do that.”
She walks over to one of the dressers and takes out what looks like a small white towel. She places it on my shoulder and settles her hand over mine again, helping me pull the bottle out of Kai’s mouth. He immediately starts to whimper, and my body stiffens along with his.
She helps guide my han
ds and Kai so he’s positioned against my upper chest and his head on my shoulder. His whimpering starts to turn to weak cries. Sam rubs his back, patting softly. “Do what I’m doing,” she instructs.
I replace her hand with mine and pat his back lightly. “You can do it a little harder. You won’t hurt him. Just alternate patting and rubbing.”
I continue the pattern and feel Kai stiffen under my hand. Suddenly, the loudest burp comes from his tiny mouth. I feel the vibration from the belch against my chest, and I let out a sigh of relief. It smells like sour milk and I look up at Sam. “Is that normal?” I ask.
She giggles a little and shrugs her shoulders. “The burp or the smell?”
“Both,” I say nervously.
“Yes, although that one was a little loud, even for him. You’ll get used to the smell.”
I scrunch my nose and breathe through my mouth so I don’t gag.
“Now what?” I ask. Kai begins to whimper again.
“Move him back to your arms so you can feed him some more.”
I follow her directions, and he’s positioned and ready to take more from the bottle. Sam hands it to me, and I place it back in his mouth. We repeat the same pattern three more times until he’s finished the whole thing.
After his last burp, he becomes limp and settles comfortably against my chest. Sam brings over a crescent moon-shaped pillow. She places it under my arms gently, giving me extra support. I relax a bit more and take a deep breath.
“He’s really taken to you. I can’t believe how smoothly that went,” Sam says, clearly surprised.
“I’m shocked,” I say.
She sits on the bed across from me and folds her legs in front of her like a pretzel. “He looks like you,” she says and smiles.
“Yeah?”
“You have the same exact eyes. Right down to the incredible lashes.” She blushes, like she regrets telling me she’s noticed my eyes.
“I don’t see it,” I say, pretending her comment didn’t faze me.
“Should I lay him back down?” I ask.
“No, keep him like that for at least twenty minutes. Since he has GERD, he should remain upright so the acid reflux doesn’t make him uncomfortable.”
“Okay.”
My breathing becomes slow and regular, in perfect sync with Kai’s. He’s out cold, and I’m thankful for that. It was amazing looking into his eyes earlier, but I worry that when he’s awake, he’s more likely to feel that pain that is constantly moving throughout his body.
“You’re not going to leave me alone with him, are you?” I ask, terrified of her answer.
“Let’s not worry about that yet, okay? Let’s focus on getting you more comfortable just holding him. Like I said, everything else will come in time, and soon you’ll be a natural.”
I begin to rock slowly in the chair, and I’m amazed when I feel Kai relax even more. He brings his tiny hand to his mouth and begins sucking on one of his knuckles. “Is he still hungry?” I ask.
“No, that’s just something he does.” She smiles and watches him intently. “How do you feel?” she asks, her gaze traveling to me.
“Fucking terrified,” I say, and her eyes widen. I’m terrified that I’m going to do something wrong. Terrified that I’m going to hurt Kai. Terrified of being a bad father.
“It’s going to be okay,” she says, and I want to believe her.
I’m tense again, and Kai starts to stir. I feel his back arch against my hand and his entire body stiffens. “What’s happening?” I ask as I sit up straight.
Sam jumps from the bed and quickly swipes him from my arms. “Shh, shh, shh,” she whispers in his ear. She rhythmically pats his bottom as she walks back and forth across the room. His cries subside and I’m thankful. I don’t think I could listen to those piercing high-pitched screams from earlier.
I stand up and move over to the bed. I try to relax, kicking off my shoes. Sam sits in the rocking chair and cradles him in her arms.
“You don’t have to stay,” she says. “He’s going to be asleep for a few hours. Lesson number one of baby boot camp: always sleep when your baby sleeps.”
I pull the pillow from behind me and lie down on my side like I did last night. “I’ll listen to that advice and you should too.”
Her eyes look heavy, and I know she wants me to leave so she can sleep.
“Thank you,” she says softly.
I’m surprised and wonder why on earth she would be thanking me. “Why?”
“For trying. And for giving your son a chance to find his way into your heart.” She closes her eyes and adjusts the blanket over her and Kai.
I watch them intently. She looks beautiful holding my son in her arms and so peaceful as she drifts off to sleep.
She likes my eyelashes.
Kai isn’t the only one grabbing a piece of my heart.
Sam
Past
Villanova, Pennsylvania
Age 16
“THANK YOU, MISS WESTON. We’ll be in touch if we need anything else. I’m so sorry for your loss.” My family’s lawyer picks up the pile of papers that Aunt Peggy just signed and leaves the room.
She stands up and reaches for my hand. “Let’s go home.”
Home.
“My home is a pile of rubble, Aunt Peggy.”
That fucker blew up my parents along with himself and the kitchen. The rest of the house burned to the ground, around their charred bodies. I can’t get the image of my pregnant mother screaming for help out of my brain. My father, lying helplessly unconscious on the floor.
She’s silent as she leads me from the room.
“What am I going to do, Aunt Peggy?” I ask, not really expecting an answer. I’m an orphan at sixteen.
“I’m here, Sam, and I’m not going anywhere,” she promises as she pulls me against her.
“How can you promise that? How do you even know? They’re gone, and all it took was a second…” I question her, practically accusing her of something she would never do.
“Honey, I will do my best to make sure I stay here with you. That’s all I can do.”
WE RIDE SILENTLY BACK TO OUR HOUSE, and I rush up to the room that used to be the guest room but is now mine. A box sits on the dresser that I’ve been terrified to open. It contains everything I own. Aunt Peggy went to the house and pleaded with the investigators to take what they could from what used to be my room. They sifted through charred furniture and clothes, and this box is all I have left.
There are messages taped to the top of the dresser on yellow Post-it Notes from Cassie. She’s been leaving them on the front door, begging me to call her. My aunt has been moving them to my room to remind me to call my best friend.
I pick up the phone and dial blindly.
“Cassie?” I say when I hear her voice. The sobs come frequently and without prejudice. I sometimes go days without crying and other days I cry every five minutes. The loss is crushing and debilitating. I can’t feel anything but immense grief and sadness.
“Hey, Sam,” she says softly. “How are you?”
How can I answer that question?
I suck.
Life sucks.
My family is gone.
I’m alone.
I don’t want to feel anything anymore.
“Not good, Cass,” is all I say in response.
“Do you want some company?” she asks.
This grief is crippling, and I can’t imagine unloading it on my best friend.
“No.”
She sighs heavily and I feel bad. She wants desperately to help me through this. But nobody can. Until you feel the utter loss and destruction that I have, you just can’t understand what I’m going through.
“Okay. Call me if you need anything. I love you,” she says, and we hang up the phone.
I have nothing left to love.
The box sits on my dresser, and I lay my hands on it. Am I ready to do this? Dread fills my chest as I lift the box and carry it over to my b
ed. I sit down next to it tuck my feet underneath me. This small box contains the remnants of my entire life.
I pull one side open and the rest of the sides pop up. The smell of smoke and ash fills my nostrils, causing my eyes to water and my throat to burn. Am I breathing them in? Are they a part of this ash?
I know this is not true, because their bodies were found. Charred, unrecognizable. But they were found. We buried them next to each other.
The first thing I see is a shoe. It’s burned quite a bit, but I recognize it immediately. One of my Steve Madden platform flip-flops. Why the hell would someone even take this out of the rubble and ash?
I hold it in my hand and turn it around, inspecting it for further damage. Without the other one, it’s useless so I toss it across the room and a cloud of soot forms when it hits the floor.
Disgusted, I continue to pick through the contents of the box.
My old pink stuffed dog is in here. She’s just as gray as she was before this happened, but she has a coating of fine ash and dust on her. I called her Googie because I didn’t know how to say doggy when I was little. So the name stuck. My Googie.
Tears fill my eyes as I pull her to my chest. Mom told me I got her the day that I was born. I can’t believe she wasn’t incinerated in the fire. I place her gingerly on my pillow and know I’ll be snuggling with her tonight.
There’s something shiny in the box that catches my eye, and I reach in to grab it. It’s my Sweet Sixteen charm bracelet. I hold it up in front of my face, dangling it from my little finger. The single charm catches light pouring in through the window. This charm bracelet was my mother’s, and she gave it to me the morning of my sixteenth birthday. The morning she died. She was dangling it over my nose while I woke up. It’s old-fashioned but retro looking. I love it, and I love that she gave me what her mother gave to her when she turned sixteen. It miraculously doesn’t have a speck of ash on it. I open the lobster claw clasp and wrap it around my wrist. The coolness from the gold metal tingles on my skin, and I hold my wrist in the air so I can inspect the bracelet closely.
I love you, Mom.
