Neither will faerie (fairies fae fey) Mercurians or Moon-Lunarians be likely to take your sh*—BLEEP! for long. They are far too sophisticated, smart, and powerful to be tempted by you. They are also far too cool-hearted to care to redeem you. And as for any attempts at corporeal possession, you can get your own asshole handed back to you on a magic stick. So, just keep your distance from Faerie.
Earthlings are, on the other hand, a delightfully brief true love-match. You will gleefully consume them, break their heart, and give them the best one-night stand of their life, before you drag them down to hell . . . except for that one very special Earthling. The one who will insinuate into your evil heart and fill your wicked soulless echo-chamber, and suddenly, BAM! You remember what it is to love, and you are redeemed! Noooooo!
Another excellent supernatural love match for the demon asshole is its polar opposite—the ghostly angel Quantum Planetoid. Just as a demon’s sole purpose is to corrupt, the angel’s is to redeem and save. Send an angel after a demon, and there will not be blood, but there will likely be plenty of poop and feathers flying, until either the angel succeeds, or the demon succeeds, depending on who is stronger. Our bet is on the angel, because this is, after all, a love match.
Asteroid Belt, Oort Cloud, and Pluto—Your Ghost Angel Lover
The most ephemeral supernatural lover is a ghost or an angel. Most recently, angels have become a hot commodity in the media supernatural lust object category. Often they tend to be portrayed with a whiff of the “fallen angel” about them, with gray or even black wings (basically looking like military black ops commandos with buzz haircuts, ammo belts, and yes, those wings vaguely sticking out from the back . . . or being blown about like vaporous hallucinations born of three martinis), so the lines between angel and demon get kind of super-blurred. But just as often, the good angels are allowed to remain on the heavenly side. And as such, they are a powerful force in popular entertainment. Also, they have these really big, gorgeous, fluffy-bunny white wings which then get emulated by underwear runway models. . . .
Here, fortunately you are on the healthy side of the obsession. If someone must be in love with a supernatural winged entity, let it be one on the side of Good. Because the other side is basically crazy.
Ghosts on the other hand, are more in the gray area, and can be of either persuasion. They are disembodied and intriguing, and they can blow their lover’s mind. That is, the lover is in bed alone, and they think they are getting . . . ahem . . . blown.
Angels are the warriors of heaven, sent to maintain the balance on earth. Ghosts are those of the dead who have chosen not to pass on for some reason. Yeah, they are two different things entirely. But in the formation of a Quantum Planetoid supernatural personality, we’ve mashed them together, to create an interesting ephemeral hybrid.
The Asteroid Belt is full of small planetoid heavenly bodies, and Pluto is one similar object, and the Oort Cloud is the farthest thing in the solar system and it’s just some random space sh**—BLEEP! and fart gases, and sure, there are comets and meteors and asteroids in there, all in a cosmic soup. It’s vague and uncertain, and—just like angels and ghosts—sort of, kind of, there.
So what does it mean to be a Quantum Planetoid?
It means that you are obsessed with doing the right thing, and you are obsessed with all kinds of vague lost causes, as you flit about in your gas clouds on heavenly wings.
Ideal Mate for a Quantum Planetoid
The answer should not be all that surprising. Anyone and everyone in the supernatural soul mate hierarchy can make an okay match with these guys and gals, because angels and ghosts are mutable and all-permeating, and they are (like lint and cat hair) frigging everywhere. (And because they have the patience and perseverance and stickiness of, well, saints and lint and cat hair.)
However, we’re not aiming for just an okay match, we want the best.
So, who’s the best love match for these airborne creatures of goodness and light?
Why, Earthlings, of course. They are the most fulfilling and affectionate combination for angels, and they are certainly nostalgia-buckets for ghosts. Furthermore, they are such a relief—after trying to love and cherish bloodless corpses, oozing brains, dry bones, or random demonic tentacles.
Because after long-suffering eons of doing the right thing—cleaning up body rot, burying body parts, wiping assholes, sweeping away clumps of fur, stuffing ancient rags, scrubbing away stubborn bloodstains, redeeming windbags—these fine creatures deserve simple uncomplicated love.
And chocolate!
Or at least that fresh coffee aroma at the bookstore café.
The Supernatural Matchmaker’s General Advice to Soul Mates—The Love Secret
Notice that we have not mentioned or attempted to classify endless other supernatural soul mate possibilities—elves, mermaids (pardon, mer-people), dragons, golems, minotaurs, gnomes, lamias, chimeras, space blobs, et cetera.
It is simply not possible. Nor is it practical. There are an infinite number of entities that could be your (or each other’s) supernatural soul mate.
What we have given you are the hottest paranormal love commodities in this solar system. Our own solar system.
There are many, many, many, many (times many) other solar systems, and they all have planets, and those planets have distinctive names and personalities and souls honoring their cultural traditions. Really, they would not even make sense to us! (Nor should they.)
I mean, if someone told you that a Blargoid snoofle makes a wonderful supernatural soul mate for a X’Froidalite choochoohar . . . or that the telepathic powers of the Goidusar drapplequi make it an unsuitable suction unit connection or soul mate for a Srorrrrdyx tradliia because of their teleporting third follicle xdufgul, you would not be particularly thrilled. Nor would you be in any way enlightened.
So take an experienced, wise supernatural matchmaker’s word on this—it’s a big universe, and there’s plenty to go around, and plenty in your own little corner.
How then do you attract your very own supernatural soul mate?
Easy!
Simply be yourself.
And now, for that secret love advice. Yes, that one, the one true love secret.
The Love Secret
Love is all around you. Don’t look for it, don’t reminisce about it, don’t wait too long, don’t waste your life (or undeath) in search of it.
Instead, recognize the secret truth that love itself is supernatural.
Worlds expand, veils are cast aside, wings flap open and unfurl dramatically, fur shines more glossy, fangs disappear, brainy gray matter oozes in meaningful patterns. You no longer require corrective lenses. Everything becomes clear and sure and easy . . . when you love.
And now you know.
So, shoo! What are you waiting for? Go and get yourself some of that supernatural goodness!
That bookstore café around the corner is officially open.
Just let go of that fire escape.
OTHER BOOKS BY VERA NAZARIAN
If you enjoyed this parody, please consider buying other books by this author, so that she can continue to write, illustrate, publish, pay the rent, eat, and feed the cats so as not to be eaten in turn.
Lords of Rainbow
Dreams of the Compass Rose
Salt of the Air
The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration
The Clock King and the Queen of the Hourglass
Mayhem at Grant-Williams High (YA)
The Duke in His Castle
After the Sundial
Mansfield Park and Mummies
Northanger Abbey and Angels and Dragons
Pride and Platypus: Mr. Darcy’s Dreadful Secret
(Forthcoming)
Pagan Persuasion: All Olympus Descends on Regency
Cobweb Bride
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Vera Nazarian is a two-time Nebula Award® Finalist and a member of Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America. She immigrated to the USA from the former USSR as a kid, sold her first story at 17, and has been published in numerous anthologies and magazines, honorably mentioned in Year’s Best volumes, and translated into eight languages.
Vera made her novelist debut with the critically acclaimed Dreams of the Compass Rose, followed by Lords of Rainbow. Her novella The Clock King and the Queen of the Hourglass made the 2005 Locus Recommended Reading List. Her debut collection Salt of the Air contains the 2007 Nebula Award-nominated “The Story of Love.”
Recent work includes the 2008 Nebula Finalist novella The Duke in His Castle, science fiction collection After the Sundial (2010), The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration (2010), and three Jane Austen parodies, Mansfield Park and Mummies (2009), Northanger Abbey and Angels and Dragons (2010), and Pride and Platypus: Mr. Darcy’s Dreadful Secret (2012), all part of her Supernatural Jane Austen Series.
After many years in Los Angeles, Vera now lives in a small town in Vermont. She uses her Armenian sense of humor and her Russian sense of suffering to bake conflicted pirozhki and make art. In addition to being a writer, philosopher, and award-winning artist, she is also the publisher of Norilana Books.
Official website:
https://www.veranazarian.com/
Norilana Books:
https://www.norilana.com/
Twitter:
https://twitter.com/Norilana
Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/VeraNazarian
Blogs:
https://www.inspiredus.com/
https://urbangirlvermont.blogspot.com/
https://norilana.livejournal.com/
Goodreads:
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/186145.Vera_Nazarian
LibraryThing:
https://www.librarything.com/author/nazarianvera
Shelfari:
https://www.shelfari.com/authors/a1628414/Vera-Nazarian/
Red Room:
https://www.redroom.com/author/vera-nazarian
SFF Net Newsgroup:
https://webnews.sff.net/read?cmd=xover&group=sff.people.vera-nazarian
Austen Authors:
https://austenauthors.net/
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