by Rachel Del
“Try me.”
And so she told him. She told him about her marriage, about Thomas begging for a second chance. She told him about her feelings for Nathan, and that she knew that not everyone gets a second chance at love.
“So what’s stopping you?” he asked.
“He doesn’t feel the same way.”
“He said that?”
“It’s obvious. Why else would he come back from California acting as though nothing had happened?”
“Haven’t you done the same thing?”
Lily opened and closed her mouth, not knowing what to say. He was right of course. “But why wouldn’t he say something, if he was feeling the same way?”
“Why haven’t you?”
“Because I’m scared,” she whispered.
“You don’t have to be scared,” he said. “We’re only human, we do the best we can.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“I’m not saying it is. I’m only saying that you don’t know how he feels, Lily.”
He shuffled in his seat, smirking. “I told you before we left for Santa Barbara that I was going to get you to open up, Gardner. Glad to see I’ve finally gotten through to you.”
Lily sat perfectly still, watching him, wondering how he could possibly be the same guy who had insulted her only a week earlier, her anger bubbling to the surface.
“How is it that women seem to fall for you so easily, Tanner? I mean, I can see how your looks would get you far… but what happens when they get to know you?”
Tanner looked completely taken aback. “I’m… not sure what you mean.”
“Oh sure you do. You pretend to be this fun loving, friendly guy, but it’s all a charade. What you really are is a chauvinistic, arrogant asshole who sees everyone around him as disposable.”
“What the h—”
“You need to get out of my office.”
Tanner didn’t move. “Hang on, you need to tell me what’s going on here, because I’m a little lost.”
“While that doesn’t surprise me at all, I’m not kidding. You think that because I just made the colossal mistake in opening up to you that you somehow know me? Or maybe you think that because I walked into that strip club the other night and told your little ego exactly what it needed to hear that we’re somehow equals now? Let’s get one thing straight here. I may be your editor, but I am not your friend. I will never be your friend. Friends don’t badmouth each other behind closed doors. They don’t refer to kids as baggage. “
“I have absolutely no clue what you’re talking about.”
“No, huh? Let me jog your memory. Sunday morning in Santa Barbara… you and Nathan talking over breakfast… ‘She’s got a kid right?’… ‘No way man, you don’t want to be anywhere near that baggage’… ‘Don’t tie yourself down to one woman’… you have any idea what I’m talking about now?”
Tanner’s entire body tightened. “Lily…”
“I really do think it’s time for you to go. There’s nothing else that needs to be said right now.” Her dark eyes bore into his, daring him to go against her wishes.
For a second, Tanner wanted to try and apologize, maybe justify his behavior in some way, but the look on her face told him there was no point. With a long sigh, he rose from the chair and walked out the door, shutting it behind him.
__
Lily had naively believed that the worst was behind her, but as the weeks passed she felt more and more like she was merely treading water. Her divorce papers had arrived only days before, and sat in an untouched pile on her kitchen counter. As ready as she was to put the past behind her, there was still something nagging away at her.
It was that night, after three glasses of red wine and a bad reality TV episode that she finally put a finger on what that nagging feeling was.
Lily reached for her phone and dialed the still familiar number, taking in slow, deep breaths as the phone rang on the other end.
“Hello?”
“Good evening, sir, I’m sorry to be calling so late.”
“Lily?”
Lily cupped her hand over the receiver, stifling her tears. “Yes, it’s me. I wanted to pick up the phone and call you so many times, but I just didn’t know how you would react. It’s… a tough situation.”
“The only reason that I haven’t hung up on you yet is that – were she still around – Susan would have my neck, so I suggest you spit out whatever it is you need to say. Or have you called for another favor?”
“No favor, sir. I just want to clear the air since I know that you’ve only heard your sons’ side of the story.”
She took his silence as an invitation to continue. “Thomas and I had been having trouble for a long time before the separation, but we never told you and Susan because we didn’t want you to worry. We had hoped that we could fix things and then no one would even need to know. For a while there, I did think that things were going to get better, that Thomas and I were moving past our mistakes and working towards our future. I don’t know what Thomas has or hasn’t told you, but I’m guessing that he’s putting the blame all on me. That’s fine if he wants to go around telling people that, but know that it’s not the truth. It takes two people to make a marriage work, and those two same people to destroy it. I’m not perfect and neither is your son, but he is just as much to blame here as I am.”
Lily heard a long, heavy sigh from the other line. “I just don’t understand why you two can’t make things work, you’re perfect for each other… and Ben is so young…”
“Trust me, sir, we are far from perfect for each other. I haven’t been myself since we got married. I changed who I was to fit a mold of the kind of wife he needed me to be. And Ben? Well, Ben is very young, but I’m glad that we’re doing this now, because I want him to grow up knowing his parents are happy and healthy, and we most certainly were not while we were still together. Things may seem like a mess now, sir, but I promise you that this is the right move for all three of us. One day you’ll see that.”
“Okay.”
Lily bit the side of her lip. “Okay. Thank you for listening.”
“Goodbye Lily.”
She tossed the phone onto the couch beside her, and picked up the empty glass and wine bottle, heading for the kitchen. Having finally said what she needed to say, and finding closure as a result, she couldn’t help but smile for the first time in days.
She had meant every word of what she said. Ben needed parents who were happy. He needed a stable, calm environment. He needed grandparents who loved and doted on him. He needed to feel loved and supported and encouraged to be the best person he could be.
And he needed all of these things much, much more than he needed his parents under the same roof.
Chapter 15
One Month Later
Nathan glanced at his watch, deciding that he had just enough time to grab a coffee before his next meeting, though all the coffee in the world couldn’t make up for his lack of sleep the past few weeks. Still, he ducked into the Starbucks across the street from the office, falling into the surprisingly short line.
“Tanner?” he lightly touched the shoulder of the man in front of him. “Hey, I thought that was you.”
“Hey Nate, how’s it going man? Is Lily with you?”
“She isn’t.” Nathan watched Tanner’s reaction closely before continuing. “What the hell happened with you guys anyways? All of sudden she’s pushing off a lot of your work onto me.”
“Your guess is as good as mine,” Tanner began, pausing to order his coffee. “She just flipped out on me one day and I haven’t really heard from her since.”
“That doesn’t sound like her.”
“What can I say, man? That’s what happened.”
“Well,” Nathan said, after placing his order, “since I’ve got you here, any word on the work in progress?”
It was the question that Tanner had been dreading from the moment Nathan spotted him.
“It’s comi
ng a little slower than the others, but I’m confident I can have something to within the next couple months.”
“Is there anything that we – I – can help you with?”
“At the moment, no. But I will let you know if that changes...” Tanner responded, his sentence trailing off as he caught sight of a beautiful woman walking through the door.
“If you’ll excuse me for a second, something’s caught my eye.”
Nathan swiveled on his heels to watch him; it wasn’t every day that he got to see the notorious Tanner Young in action. The woman had his back to Nathan, but he noticed that the two of them were speaking adamantly, like they had known each other for a while.
Releasing a deep breath Nathan shoved his hand deep into his pocket and sipped his coffee. He had barely put a dent in his drink when Tanner returned.
“Sorry man, I’ve got to jet.”
Nathan peeked over at the woman waiting for the door for him. She was looking down at her phone, her long, black hair covering half of her sunglass covered face.
“Who’s the girl?”
“Ah,” Tanner said, smiling. “That’s Leah, my girl.”
“Your girl?”
“Surprised, huh? Yeah, me too.”
“What happened to your theory that life’s too short to tie yourself down to one woman?”
“I’ll let you in on a secret, Nate.” Tanner inched closer to him. “That’s what all guys say until they meet their game changer. She, my friend, is my game changer.”
“How long have you two been seeing each other?”
“About three weeks now. I met her the weekend right before I signed with you guys. The weekend that Lily chewed me out at Sapphire.” He thought for a moment. “Hmm, now that I think about it, that woman sure does like to rag on me.”
“What is it they always say? Something about how women love to find men who are works in progress so that they can shape them into the kind of guy they want them to be?”
“Nah man, it’s like I said: that’s the kind of shit we say until we find-“
“The game changer, right.”
“Speaking of which,” Tanner said, smirking. “Where’s Lily this fine morning?”
__
To Nathan, being intimate with Lily was like getting to drive an expensive car he knew he could never afford. At the end of the day, it wasn’t like driving any old car; the normal rules couldn’t possibly apply. It was about an object of desire that made him feel impossibly good. It was about him wanting something despite something else dictating that it couldn’t possibly be his.
His run in with Tanner had left him rattled. If a man like he – who had been with more women than Nate could even fathom, and had been unwavering in his non-committal values for so long – could make love work, why couldn’t he?
He had avoided Lily by sneaking out of the bedroom after they had slept together, and he had avoided confronting her after seeing her with Thomas... but why? What did he have to lose by facing his fears? No longer could he allow his past to dictate his future.
Lily had stirred something inside of him that had long been dormant. He owed it to himself to explore that.
He picked up his phone the second he got home from work at the end of the day, a day that strangely enough did not include Lily. Where was she? What was going on with her lately?
“Honestly, I should have called you right after Santa Barbara.”
Nathan’s oldest sister Sam smiled into the phone. “That’s probably true, but I’m really glad you called, Nate.”
“You’ve always had the best head on your shoulders, Sam. What would you do if you were in my position?”
“Well, let’s first set aside the obvious fact that I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this position, and move on,” she chuckled before continuing. “I like to think that I know you pretty well, Nate, and I know what you’ve been through in the past, so I feel like I need to tell you that Lily isn’t Amanda… she is never going to be Amanda. Maybe now you will realize that you have been treating her like she is.”
“Jesus…”
“Not that you need to be reminded, but you were a disaster after that relationship and we all had to help you pick up the pieces.”
“Are you saying that you think I’m headed in that direction with Lily?”
“No, absolutely not. You weren’t ready for Amanda, but there isn’t a doubt in my mind that you’re a different man now and can definitely handle Lily. Even better, I think she might just be the best thing to happen to you. Just go talk to her.”
“And say what, Sam? We’ve basically done our very best at ignoring each other for the better part of five weeks.”
“Tell her the truth. Tell her that you acted like an idiot. Tell her that you’re scared, but you’re willing to work things out if she is. Tell her about Amanda if you need to; it may help her to understand you better. Basically: grovel, grovel, grovel. Something tells me she’s worth it.”
Nathan knew that Lily was worth it. What he doubted was that she felt the same way about him.
Chapter 16
Lily dialed her sister’s phone number, shocked when she heard her voice on the other end of the line. “You’ve been particularly tough to get a hold of lately.”
“You’re such an exaggerator.”
“Am not.”
“I’ve been busy.”
“You’re always busy… something’s up.”
“Nothing’s up,” Leah responded, knowing that she wasn’t being entirely truthful.
Lily sighed. “Explain to me why I’ve been staring at my divorce papers for weeks but can’t bring myself to sign them.”
“I don’t know, Lil. I’ve never been married.”
“Humor me.”
“It’s a big deal. A marriage is ending. I can’t imagine it’s ever simple for anyone in that position.”
“I’m going to ask you something and I know you will give me your honest opinion even if it’s not what I want to hear. Do you think I’m a different person than before I married Thomas?”
“Yes,” Leah responded without hesitation.
“That’s what Christina said,” Lily said, sighing. “I’m working on it.”
“I’m glad to hear it. You were a lot more fun before he came along. But for the record, I’ve seen and heard more of that side of you in the past couple months than I have in the last six years.”
It didn’t take a genius to know what had changed.
Lily couldn’t help but think that Christina had been right all along: she would wake up one day feeling as though life had always been this way; that her days always looked like they did now. She was living that reality.
“Have you and Nathan talked about what happened yet?” Leah asked.
“No.”
“Jesus, you two are like children.”
“It’s complicated, Leah.”
“Except it’s not. It’s quite simple. You like him, he likes you, and you’re not going to be married for much longer, so the way I see it there’s nothing standing in your way except for pride. And let me tell you: pride is overrated.”
“Okay, something is definitely up with you. You just gave me relationship advice that isn’t half bad.”
“I’ve gone soft.”
“So it seems.”
“Actually, I’ve been seeing this guy—”
Lily was distracted by her call waiting beeping impatiently. “Shoot, Leah I’ve got to call you back. It’s my boss on the other line.”
She didn’t wait for a response before hanging up.
“Yes sir…” she cooed.
__
Lily found the grocery store empty the following morning, and she moved quickly and easily through the aisles, her focus on everything but her errand as she replayed her conversation with her boss the previous evening.
“Why is Nathan the only one giving me updates on Tanner Young?”
“I’m just stepping back for a couple weeks while I work with some
other clients. I am confident that Nate is doing a great job picking up the slack.”
“Nate is not my concern. Why have you stepped back from working with him?”
Lily felt her face grow hot. “I feel as though Nathan is better suited to work with him, sir.”
“Be that as it may, that is not your decision to make. You were both appointed as his editors, and seeing as he is one of our most important writers right now, I don’t think that is a wise decision.”
“I can assure you that he is still getting—“
“Lily, you’re one of my best editors, but I’m not blind. I can tell that something has had you preoccupied, and I can only assume that it’s in your personal life. I’m not going to pry, but I’ll say this: we need something from Young ASAP and it’s your job to see that it happens.”
She swallowed past the lump in her throat. “Yes sir.”
After a quick glance at her watch, Lily scanned the dairy aisle for her favorite brand of almond milk, before settling on a familiar figure.
“Thomas?”
He spun on his heels to face her, his face registering surprise. “Ah, I guess I’m on your turf,” he said in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“Where’s Ben?”
“He’s at home with my dad, I just had to make a quick run for a few things.”
Lily nodded. They hadn’t spoken since his mother’s funeral and had not shared more than a wave hello or goodbye from the car window in over a month.
“You look great, Lil.”
Lily was both comforted and touched by his words. After Christina’s admission weeks ago, she had started working out again, and had made a concerted effort to better her eating habits as well. She felt better than she had in years; more like the person she was before marrying Thomas… more like herself.
Her problem had never been about love. It hadn’t even been about being with another person. It had always been about her losing herself, about her leaving behind her real self.
What she needed was to fall in love with herself all over again. To not be afraid to stand up for herself. To be brave.
