CHAPTER 27
Worry seemed to be her constant companion lately, nibbling at her resolve, threatening to eradicate her source of happiness. Why was Connor being so secretive? Despite his protests to the contrary Moira was sure that her lover was a member of an illegal movement. Still her heart told her to give him the benefit of the doubt. She prowled to and fro like an enraged tigress whose cubs where in peril. ‘One thirty,’ she hissed. ‘What can he be doing that keeps him out to this hour?’ Her temper was simmering, now in a cauldron of aggression which was close to detonation, ‘Where the fuckin hell is he?’ she screamed, unable to hold her emotions in check for one second longer. ‘God but I hate this fuckin country. If that bastard is lyin to me, I’ll be out of here quicker than Ben Johnson on speed.’ Suddenly she stopped pacing as his smiling countenance peeked up at her from the confines of it’s cheap frame. Her anger dissipated as she raised the image to her lips. Who was she kidding? She knew that wild horses could never again drag her from his side. ‘For all his sins I love him. Holy mother please protect him. Show him the error of his ways.’ A single tear trickled down her cheek to spatter silently on the face of her man. The sound of the key turning in the lock startled her causing her to spin abruptly around. She was temporarily unbalanced and as she reached out to steady herself the picture slipped from her grasp. Connor rushed into the room alarmed by the sound of breaking glass. The scene before him both frightened and confused him. Moira was on her knees staring at the result of her accident. She was weeping but made no attempt to pick up the broken picture. ‘What is it my love? What’s wrong?’ he whispered, afraid to hear the reply.
‘The matter,’ she screeched, ‘The fuckin matter. Where have ye been? What’s so important that makes ye forget we had a date. I have sat here for five fuckin hours, no that’s a lie I have paced the floor for five hours. Ye didn’t even have the decency to call, do I mean so little to ye? What’s yer game Con? Yer mixed up in the bombin and murders aren’t ye, admit it. Up to yer eye teeth.’ The frustration was spilling from her in a torrent, unable to control her anger she continued hardly taking time to catch a breath. She had started to say it and she would not stop until she had completed airing her worst fear. ‘Oh yes yer a big man Con, one of the boys. Well be a man and tell me the fuckin truth.’ Con had witnessed her outbursts before and often borne the brunt of her temper but this was different. Much worse than he had ever experienced and he was deeply concerned. Rushing to her, he gathered her into his arms. He could not bear to see the hurt in her fiery eyes. As if her life was threatened she fought to free herself from his grip but the more she struggled the stronger was his resolve. Tullen was concerned, afraid that if he released her now he would lose her once more but this time their parting would be permanent. His caress was irresistible, slowly her sobbing abated all resistance gone, with a sigh she melted into his arms. ‘Hush now darlin, this is not like ye, please tell me what’s wrong.’ His voice was soft, his words soothing and his tenderness dissolved all the anger from her heart. ‘I love ye so much ye rotten bastard, that’s what’s wrong. The fear of losing ye is eating at me like a cancer. I’m afraid of what I’ll become if I remain here in this cesspool. Te tolerate the knowledge that ye’re responsible for someone’s death would be to betray everything that I have ever believed in. Can’t ye understand that Con? Tonight ye are goin te tell me the truth or by God I am gonna walk out that door forever.’ He knew she meant every word so with a sigh he steeled himself, resolved to furnish the answers that he was aware could instigate their parting. ‘Okay I’ll tell ye,’ he conceded solemnly. An all-consuming feeling of despair took hold as he began to conjure up his past. He was aware that what he was about to reveal could doom their relationship but was equally sure, that if he lied, their life together would be insufferable. So having weighed the consequences thoroughly he commenced with his story. Moira sat, hands folded in her lap, waiting to hear what in her heart she already knew. Tullen felt his heart would burst so great was it pounding but her childlike eyes stared into his face seeking an answer.
‘God this is so difficult. To explain my reasons for lying would seem that I am trying te wheedle out of, or justify my crimes. So I am not even gonna try. I lied, as I’m sure ye know. I am a member of the Irish Republican Army.’ He could sense her anger fighting to take control again. ‘Before I begin I want ye te promise me somethin.’
‘What is it?’ she spat.
‘Promise me that ye won’t say a word until I have finished.’ It was not a command; he was pleading with her to give him a fair hearing. She nodded compliance. Looking into his eyes and realising that she could refuse him nothing. ‘I want ye to say it Moira. Ye won’t like what I have te tell ye but ye must promise to at least listen te what I have te say.’ She stared at him for a long moment before saying, ‘I promise darlin, I owe ye that much.’
‘Well here goes. As I said, I am a volunteer and have bin for many years.’ He went on to tell her of the acts of violence that he had committed, omitting nothing, his heart constricting with each look of disgust that clouded his beloved’s face. Silently she listened to a catalogue of horror which before that night would have been beyond her comprehension. Woodenly she vacated her seat and Tullen watched dejectedly as she went through the motions of finding her coat. Realising that she was about to desert him, anger boiled within him. This time it was he who could not contain his emotions.
‘No God damn it,’ he snarled. ‘Ye promised to hear me out and by all that’s holy ye are goin to.’
‘All that’s holy,’ she repeated her words hardly audible. ‘All that’s holy,’ she said again, ‘How dare ye use religion in the same breath? Ye’re a self-confessed murderer and by tellin me yer sordid secrets ye’ve committed another, for as sure as the Lord looks down on us, ye’ve destroyed me as well. God help me Con, I worship ye but how can I live with ye, knowin the crimes that ye’ve committed?’
‘Please darlin,’ he begged, ‘listen te me. Don’t leave me again, I couldn’t bare it. I will do anything ye ask of me but I swear, if ye walk out the door I’m as good as dead. My miserable life has no purpose without ye Moira. I know now that what I have done in the past was wrong but only you can help me carry the burden of guilt.’
‘Holy mother, what are we te do Connor? How can it end, I’m not stupid enough to believe that ye can just walk in and calmly say, I resign.’
‘I know pet but I promise that my killin days are at an end. I swear it on our love for that is the only thing that is precious te me now.’
‘What will ye tell them Con? How can ye break away from their clutches? Or is the auld cliché, once in, a load of bull,’ she asked tiredly.
‘There is a way Moira but it will not be easy and it may take a while. Ye have te trust me. After we made love on the mountain, I swore that my destiny lay in your hands. I have a plan that will get me out. Ye promised that ye would let me finish what I had te say.’ She nodded avidly listening to his plea.
‘I will never take another human life, I swear it but there is some unfinished business that I must attend to.’
‘God save us, there’s more. I thought that I had heard all the horror stories a person could swallow in one day. Shows ye how much I know,’ she scoffed.
‘Did ye read about the murder of a Protestant family by the name of Blackmore?
‘Jesus no Connor, not that,’ she mouthed, recoiling in disgust.
‘Wait Moira listen, ye don’t understand. It had nothin te do we us, surly ye don’t think me capable of the likes of that?’ She shook her head in relief. Obviously ye read that the husband was a loyalist paramilitary and the attack was some sort of reprisal,’ he spat. ‘Those Brit papers don’t care what they print so long as they keep the circulation up.’
‘Oh so it’s all a pack of lies then,’ she scowled, with heavy sarcasm.
‘Be quiet and listen would ye,’ he snapped in frustra
tion. Moira sat slowly down, shocked by his tone. ‘Thank-you, The IRA had nothin te do with those murders, ye have te believe me darlin. Jesus if word that we were up te nonsense like that ever got out we would be destroyed, can’t ye understand that much. It is true children have died in the past but always by accident Moira. I could never condone the murder of innocents, what do ye take me for?’
‘Of course not, I’m so sorry Con, this whole revelation has got me brain in knots. I’m just not thinkin straight. And as for understandin I really don’t think I have it in me te deal with the horrors of Ireland.’
‘Forgive me for shouting love but I had to put ye straight or we would never stand a chance of a normal life together.’
‘Ha, normal life, don’t make me laugh,’ she scoffed.
‘What I’m tryin te say is that if ye go on believin that I or my comrades are capable of committin an atrocity such as last week’s, then there is no basis for a future together anyway. Ye must let me know right away, with no qualms or misgivin’s. Do ye trust me or not Moira?’ he was staring into her green eyes and beyond, to the very centre of her soul.
‘Oh darlin, I believe ye and God help me I must stand by ye,’ she answered taking his hand.
‘Bless ye sweetheart, I know what agony your goin through but te have yer trust fills me with hope and I know as long as ye stand by me, we can make it through this nightmare. Bear with me for a while longer and let me finish what I have te say,’ he pleaded. ‘What I was tryin te tell ye earlier is that I’ve bin given the job of findin the maniac who committed those horrible murders.’
‘What,’ she gasped. ‘Why you, how would ye know where te start lookin for a madman like him?’ she gasped, astounded by his most recent revelation.
‘They seem to think that I can catch him,’ he replied modestly.
‘The whole thing is too bizarre. Are ye tellin me that yer some kind of IRA policeman? That ye are one of the people who decide who lives or dies? She was screaming again, almost in hysterics.
‘No Moira, the men at the very top make those decisions. I am only a volunteer; I just do as I’m ordered. Please Love, try te understand, we must get this person before he kills again. After he has bin apprehended and dealt with, you and I can leave. For the love of God, don’t go now. Not when I need ye the most. I am so afraid darlin, I wont be able te think straight if I lose ye and I need me wits about me te catch this bastard.’ He was baring his soul to her, she watched as his eyes misted and realised at that moment that she could never leave him. Slowly she rose and taking his cheeks between her hands she tenderly kissed his moist eyes. Her thumbs traced a path beneath them collecting the liquid that had spilled onto his cheeks. ‘Oh me sweet darlin, what are we te do? What terrible crime has Ulster committed that the lord should forsake us?’ They held unto each other tightly as if to let go would be to watch the other dragged away by an unforgiving sea of regrets. Gaining strength from the sharing of an unselfish love. Each with a yearning only the other could satisfy.
CHAPTER 28
Una Breen was tall, dark and remarkably attractive, she was also extremely bored. Being an unforgiving woman she blamed her husband Hubert for her banality. Friday was fast approaching and she was seeking an excuse to offer her offspring for staying out late. A devout catholic Una, throughout her entire married life, had never so much as contemplated infidelity, which is not to say that the opportunity to do so had never arisen. Examining herself in the full-length mirror she unashamedly admired the result. ‘Forty two, five kids and still a size twelve,’ she complimented herself, ‘Not bad Una girl, not too bad at all. But you have to stop talking to yourself. They say it’s the first sign of senility,’ she admonished with a smile, waving a finger at her reflection. Standing, dressed only in her underwear, she pivoted sideways in order to examine her profile. Turning again slowly to face the glass she frowned before completing the inspection with a simple, ‘You’ll do.’ Una had paid one of her frequent, unaccompanied, visits to the cinema, a packet of maltesers her only solace. She hated to go alone, it made her feel somewhat inadequate, as if she could not procure a date for the evening but she wanted so much to see the film. The smaller children were too young to sit through an entire movie and the others could not, or rather would not, be seen dead at a Disney film. Street cred must be maintained at all costs, she had been informed. ‘Little sods,’ she had complained, ‘Just wait until one of you need a favour.’
‘Ach ma, you know how it is,’ they had answered in unison.
It happened at the pictures. As she sat alone watching the silly animated feature, two seats to her left sat a gorgeous man, between them, his adorable daughter. The child was beautiful with raven hair, so black that it glistened with a sheen that turned blue when the light caught it just right. Una had smiled a greeting at the child, remarking on her beauty. The proud father was overwhelmed at the attention being given to his precious. A gift from the Lord, he had called her. Una remembered thinking at the time, what a lovely thing to say, you are a wee bit special yourself mate. Hubert, to her recollection, had found it difficult to notice their kid’s attributes. Once the stranger had started it was impossible for him to stop. He was elated at having the opportunity to boast of his little girl’s virtues and superior intellect much to his daughter’s annoyance. ‘Daddy please stop talking, I cant hear what the hefalant is saying,’ she pleaded.
‘Okay,’ he acquiesced. ‘Look, why don’t we swap seats?’ That way I won’t disturb you when
the lady and I are talking. Oh, that is if you don’t mind?’ he asked Una, as an after thought.
‘Not at all,’ she replied, secretly thinking I always come to the movies to listen about other people’s kids. Who needs Walt Disney?
‘That’s a good idea, I can’t see over the lady’s head anyway,’ agreed precious, indicating a rather large female in the next row but one. A chance meeting with a stranger at the cinema and here she was contemplating the unthinkable. ‘More than contemplating you tart,’ she giggled, inspecting a pair of tights freshly removed from the wrapping. ‘God when he said his wife had died, I was almost glad,’ she uttered remorsefully. He must be a wonderful person all the same she mused, to have nurtured the little girl through infancy, with all the difficulties that that can throw up. She is a credit, so loveable and her manners are impeccable. Una could not believe it of a child whom, after all, was no more than a baby. The little girl never once misbehaved throughout the entire performance and always remembered to say please and thank-you, remarkable. ‘You have every reason to be proud of her,’ she had told him. It is no mean task raising a child Mr., er, I’m sorry I don’t know your name.’
‘Oh my apologies, it’s Logan, Dave Logan, I live in Glengormley,’ she was informed.
‘And I am Una from the Antrim Road. Very pleased to meet you,’ she said, offering her long slim hand to be shaken. Dave had duly accepted and held on to it a fraction of a second too long, which flattered the lonely housewife considerably. That had been their first encounter, to be followed coincidentally, three days later in a super-market. They had been pushing shopping trolleys in opposite directions each engrossed in their own worlds, when they had a minor collision. Both were startled but Una was the aggressor. Having vastly more experience in dealing with such incidents, she had adopted the old gambit of attack being the best line of defence. ‘Why don’t you look…’ but was cut short when he uttered her name. ‘Una, what a surprise.’ It was not exactly the mention of her name that gave her the tingle the dazzling smile which accompanied the greeting had been the catalyst. ‘Fancy bumping into you, literally bumping into you.’ There was that smile again. ‘It must be kismet.’
‘It must be Dave, as you say kismet,’ she was flirting unashamedly. The man tended to have that affect on her. He made her feel desirable, a real woman, wanted. ‘Amazing, last week we were complete strangers yet within three days here we are having a c
onversation and forgive me for saying it but I have never been so glad to have an accident.’ Who is this man? His charm was turning her knees to water. This was so unlike her. Men had used a multitude of tactics to entice her but she had fended them off like
a matador yet here she was putty in his hands. Easy girl, she warned herself. You are acting like a moonstruck schoolgirl. Don’t be forgetting that you already have a husband and a family to care for.
‘Please don’t think me too forward but Can-dice and I were about to have lunch, we would love you to join us. Wouldn’t we Candy? The little girl glanced upward, nodding without conviction. ‘Well thank-you I’d love to Candy.’ What in the name of all that is holy, was she doing? The idea was preposterous but it was out before she realised what she was saying. ‘I’d love to.’ She had remonstrated with herself over and over as they ambled toward the restaurant. God what if someone sees her? Her companion was quick to pick up on her discomfort. ‘A penny for them,’ he offered. ‘What eh,’ she stammered. ‘Sorry what did you say?’ Pull yourself together, she told herself, next you’ll be blushing.
‘Nothing really, a penny for your thoughts,’ he prompted, obviously seeking a reply.
‘I was just thinking about what you said earlier. Fate, I suppose there is no use fighting it. Well here we are, we shall have to double park,’ she added, indicating the lack of space at the restaurant’s forecourt. Nice body swerve, she thought with relief. The meal was mediocre but the company was marvellous. Una had forgotten the sheer enjoyment one could derive from the simple pleasure of dining with another, someone you cared for. And she was, despite herself, beginning to feel a strong bond growing between her and a man she knew nothing about. They chatted congenially losing all track of time. She looked at her watch, ‘Oh God I have to run.’
‘But when shall I see you again,’ he asked, no virtually begged. Before she knew it a date had been arranged. ‘I couldn’t help it,’ she said aloud, as she hurried to the vehicle but she was filled with an overwhelming feeling of sensual pleasure. She had never experienced anything remotely like this. Her head was so light that it was threatening to sail away. Her life was never to be the same. Later that evening she sat weighing the folly of her actions. If she was to go out with Dave and the IRA learned of the indiscretion, his life would be endangered and what of the church? What would Father Paul think when she confessed such a thing? That she wanted to be held and loved again, so much that her body ached. How she could not spend a night in bed any more without fantasising about her illicit lover. What penance was there for a married woman whose hands slipped between her legs when she thought about a man she barely knew? Frustrated and angry, her thoughts rounded on her imprisoned husband, he was to blame for her present predicament. ‘It is all your bloody fault. My lord, for the things you have done, there is no forgiveness. If you were here instead of goal I would never have met Dave. Oh yes Dave, how do I tell him that my excuse for a man is behind bars for blowing up bars?’ she giggled at the irony. ‘Funny line,’ she said, imitating someone she had heard on television. Lets not forget the children, she continued with her self castigation, What would they say if they ever found out that she had betrayed their hero of a father?’ There were abundant reasons for reneging on her date but again her thoughts strayed to the restaurant. How wonderful it had been just to sit and be admired. To have a man interested in her again and knowing that he desired her. There was a trace of merriment as she recalled how he had shown an honest interest in her opinion and the glow he exuded when she said something humorous. She missed companionship, damn him for making her so aware of her loneliness. Reluctantly Una picked up the phone to cancel their engagement. The dialling tone seemed to go on forever, she prayed that he was out almost willing him to ignore its summons. Disappointment ensued as he picked up,
Seeds of Evil Page 18
