by Jae
The ringing of the phone made her jump. Maybe it’s Annie to see how I’m doing. She snatched up the receiver without taking the time to glance at the caller ID. “Hello?”
“Whatever you’re doing, it has stopped being funny a long time ago.”
Ah, Jake. Drew grinned. After the kissing sounds she had made while he was on the phone with Annie, she had expected a call from him. “Oh, you mean like the practical jokes you pull on other people?”
“Dammit, Drew.” Jake’s usually easygoing voice sounded like a growl now. “My jokes are at least funny and clever, but what you and Annie are doing is just messed up.” His harsh breathing filtered through the line, then, after a few seconds of silence, he continued more calmly, “No one is gonna believe you anyway, so why don’t you finally—”
A beep indicated that Drew had another incoming call. “I’m sorry. I got a call on the other line. Bye, Jake.” Grinning, she ended the call and switched to the other line, again hoping that it would be Annie.
“Hey, stranger.”
It was Lynn, not Annie.
Drew chided herself for being disappointed. “Oh, hi, Lynn.”
“We haven’t seen each other since Halloween, and that’s all I get? I’ve had more enthusiastic greetings from my mailman,” Lynn said. “What’s up?”
Get yourself together and stop moping around! “I’m sorry. I am glad to hear from you, it’s just ... I’ve been sick with a cold all weekend, and I’m not totally back to normal.”
“Why didn’t you call?” Lynn asked, her tone hurt. “I would have come over and taken care of you. Last time you were sick, you had a high fever. You didn’t have to suffer through it alone.”
Drew scratched the back of her neck. “Um ... I didn’t.”
“Didn’t get a high fever?”
“No. Didn’t suffer through it alone.”
“Oh,” Lynn said. The sound of a deep breath filtered through the line. “Annie?”
Damn, how did she guess that so quickly? Even though Drew knew what Lynn would think, she couldn’t deny it. She sighed. “Yeah.”
“I thought she’s straight?” An accusing undertone vibrated in Lynn’s voice.
Drew leaned back in her office chair, let her head fall back, and rubbed weary eyes. “She is. It’s not what you’re thinking.”
“Oh, no, of course not. I have dozens of straight women volunteering to stay with me every time I’m sick.”
God, I can’t deal with this today. “Knock it off, Lynn. We really are just friends.”
Lynn was silent for a few moments. When she spoke again, her tone had softened. “But you’d like it to be more, wouldn’t you?”
“I ...” Drew leaned forward again so she could put her elbows on the desk. She clutched the phone to her ear and cradled her head in her free hand. “Yeah.” There, she had finally said it. “I’m just starting to get to know her, but there’s something about her ...”
“Have you told her that?”
“Are you crazy?” Some harmless teasing and joking was as far as Drew was willing to go. “I told you she’s straight.”
“So was I when I first met you.”
Great. Not that old argument again. Drew didn’t believe one person could turn another person gay even though that was what Annie and she were trying to make Jake believe. “That’s different. Annie’s different. She’s not like any other woman I’ve ever met.”
“God, you’re head over heels.”
What? That’s bullshit. Drew glared at the phone. Isn’t it? “No, I’m not. It’s just a harmless crush that will pass, so cut it out, okay?”
“Whatever. So, I was calling to see if you want to go dancing with Becky, Sam, Erica, and me on Saturday.”
Drew frowned. “Dancing? I don’t know.”
“Come on. It’s been ages since we’ve gone out. It’ll get your mind off things, and maybe you’ll hook up with a woman—a lesbian woman.”
The dig at Annie rankled Drew. Truth be told, she would rather spend an evening watching X-Files with Annie than go out dancing with a group of lesbians. But maybe Lynn was right. Perhaps she was so hung up on Annie because she had been single for too long. Yes, that’s probably all it is. Hooking up with someone could be just what I need to get Annie off my mind. Her muscles tightened at the thought. Oh, come on. You did it before. But that had been years before, and now one-night stands didn’t hold much appeal. At least go out with your friends, dance with some good-looking women, and keep your options open.
“All right,” she said. “But I can’t join you before ten. I’m meeting with a couple who wants to serve our wines at their wedding.”
“Okay, then we’ll see you at ten o’clock in front of The Fig Leaf. If you’re not there, we’re coming after you,” Lynn said, lowering her voice to a threatening register.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll be there.” Drew hung up and glanced at the price lists for bacteria cultures and acid test kits. Phone still in hand, she flipped through her phone book. Right below the number for the supplier, the name of a local florist’s store caught her attention.
She hesitated. You wanted to get Annie off your mind, remember?
But that was easier said than done.
Ah, screw it. She pushed back the order forms and dialed the second number.
* * *
Annie glared at her computer screen. No matter what she did, the numbers weren’t adding up. Was she missing something? She rubbed her burning eyes. Just two hours of sleep weren’t helping. When she had arrived home from Drew’s at half past three, she had gone to bed immediately, hoping to escape into the soothing realm of sleep and stop the merry-go-round in her head for a couple of hours.
But her dream hadn’t been the soothing kind.
In the dream, she had been back on the couch with Drew; only this time, they were both awake. Drew leaned over her on her elbows and lifted one hand to swipe a strand of hair out of Annie’s face. Then her hand lingered, caressing Annie’s cheek. Drew’s lips came closer.
Instead of jumping up off the couch, dream-Annie wrapped her arms around Drew and pulled her down.
Just as their lips were about to meet, a bee stung Annie—and she had awakened gasping for breath.
It’s just the movie. She opened her desk drawer and started searching for eye drops. It’s not like you want to kiss Drew. She shook her head. Of course not. You just recreated the movie scene in your dream, with you taking over Scully’s part. That’s all.
But why had her subconscious mind cast Drew in the role of Mulder?
A knock on her office door nearly made Annie jam her fingers in the drawer. She looked up.
Her colleague Sarah stood in the doorway, a crystal vase filled with a giant bunch of yellow roses in her arms and an even larger smile on her face.
“These were just delivered for you,” Sarah said.
“For me?” Annie sent Sarah a doubtful gaze. Other than Drew giving her roses for her birthday, it had been years since she had received flowers and never at the office. Who was sending her roses when it wasn’t her birthday and she wasn’t dating anyone? Maybe a grateful client?
Sarah stepped into the office and handed over the vase.
“Thank you,” Annie said. She wanted Sarah to leave so she could read the card that was stuck between the stems.
But Sarah didn’t take the hint. “There’s a card,” she said, stating the obvious. She stayed in front of the desk, clearly unwilling to leave before Annie read the card and offered some kind of explanation.
Annie set the vase on her desk and opened the little card. Thank you for the TLC, the card read. You make a great girlfriend. Drew. Beneath the name, a large smiley face stared back at Annie.
Receiving roses from Drew added to the emotional chaos inside of Annie, but she still couldn’t help smiling at the sweet gesture.
“And?” Sarah asked.
Annie’s cheeks flamed beneath Sarah’s curious glance. “Just a thank-you,” she mumbled.<
br />
“I didn’t know you were seeing someone,” Sarah said. Her gaze rested on the roses and then moved up to make eye contact. “You should bring him to the office’s Christmas party next month.”
Annie fingered the long stems. Oh, Christ. “It’s not what you think. There’s no ‘him.’ The roses are from ... from a friend. A woman.”
Sarah studied her for long moments before she grinned and said, “Then bring her.”
A thorn pierced Annie’s index finger when she tightened her grip on the stems. Ouch! She sucked on her finger.
“Don’t look so shocked.” Grinning, Sarah leaned over the desk. “It’s not like I didn’t already suspect.”
The finger slid from Annie’s mouth. Slack-jawed, she stared at Sarah. “Suspect what?” She can’t possibly think that I’m ... I’m gay?
“A woman your age, who never talks about relationships—or anything concerning her private life, really—and never brings anyone to office parties ...” Sarah shrugged. “I thought maybe you were trying to keep your private life private because you’re—”
“Because I’m a private person,” Annie interrupted before Sarah could say it out loud. Her jaw muscles stiffened as she clenched her teeth. “Just because I haven’t been in a relationship in a while and don’t send memos to people in the office when I’m dating someone doesn’t make me gay.” Annie realized she was nearly shouting at Sarah and snapped her mouth shut.
Sarah lifted her hands and took a step back from the desk. “Jesus, Annie, don’t take my head off just because I assumed—”
“You assumed wrong,” Annie said. Her stomach churned, and she pressed a trembling hand against it. Who does Sarah think she is? Just because I get roses from a woman doesn’t make me gay, dammit! Neither does kissing Drew. God. The floor beneath her seemed to tilt. Annie curled her hands around the edge of the desk and held on for dear life. She couldn’t remember a time in her life when she had ever been bombarded with so many emotions. Maybe this whole thing was a bad idea. I should’ve walked out of that restaurant the minute I realized what Jake had done.
“All right, I get it. You’re not gay.” Sarah snorted. “In fact, you’re borderline homophobic.”
The accusation hit Annie like a punch in the solar plexus. “What?” She shook her head. “I’m not homophobic.”
“Could have fooled me,” Sarah said. “In the six years I’ve known you, you never raised your voice at anyone, not even when that trainee accidentally deleted one of your files. But a moment ago, you were shouting at me just because I made a harmless assumption.”
Harmless assumption? Somehow, it didn’t seem harmless to Annie. She remembered Drew joking about good-night kisses in front of the waiter in the restaurant. Drew seemed so at ease with her sexual orientation. But it hasn’t always been that way for her. Now Annie understood why Drew had been so hesitant to come out to her parents. People look at you differently once they know.
She massaged her temples. Well, isn’t that what you wanted? For Jake to see you in a different light, not just as boring Annie? But the closer Thanksgiving came, the less it seemed like a funny trick to play on Jake.
Annie’s gaze went to the open door. She wanted this conversation to be over before someone could overhear it. After a few deep breaths, she stood from behind her desk. “Sarah, I ...” She held out her hands. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have shouted at you.”
Sarah took a tiny step toward her. “Then why did you?”
“Because ... because ...” Annie bit the inside of her cheek. “Because I hate it when people judge me, especially people who barely know a thing about me.”
“Judge you?” Sarah repeated. “Annie, no one is judging you. And we’ve been working together for six years and went to the same book club and the same gym for almost as long. If I barely know a thing about you, it’s because you never allowed me to really get to know you.”
Annie dragged trembling fingers through her hair. As much as she wanted to pretend otherwise, she knew Sarah was right. She tended to keep people at arm’s length—or at least she had in the past. With Drew, it was different. But that doesn’t make me gay, does it?
“This isn’t the Middle Ages,” Sarah said. “Being gay won’t get you burned at the stake.”
“I know that.” Annie fought to keep her voice from shaking. “I’m not homophobic.”
Sarah glanced at her over the top of her stylish glasses.
“Really,” Annie said. “One of my friends is a lesbian.”
Thinking about Drew made her pause. What would Drew think if she heard what I said? How would she feel if she saw me go ballistic on Sarah because she thought I’m gay? She pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and index finger. Drew would be hurt. That thought made her anger deflate like a pierced balloon. Her knees felt weak, so she leaned against her desk. “The roses ...” She cleared her throat. “They’re from her, and I guess I didn’t want you to think ...”
“That the two of you are more than friends,” Sarah finished the sentence when Annie trailed off.
Annie nodded.
“Would it have been so bad if I had thought that she’s your girlfriend?”
Would it be? Still leaning against her desk for support, Annie tried to imagine how it might be to take Drew to the Christmas party and introduce her as her girlfriend. She shivered as she pictured curious glances crawling over her, but then she felt the soothing grip of Drew’s fingers around her own. When someone’s obnoxious boyfriend made a drunken comment about Annie turning into a dyke, Drew would grin and say, “I’m a vintner. Must be something in the wine.” She would show her dimples and a disarming smile and lift the bottle she had brought. “Anyone want more of my Cabernet?” Now Annie’s colleagues were laughing with them, not at them.
Annie imagined Drew talking about wine with Mr. Cargill and entertaining the junior associates with stories about trying out for her college’s archery team. But throughout the evening, Drew’s gaze would return to her and she would give Annie a smile that was meant just for her.
“No,” Annie said. If she took away the label of being gay and what it might mean to other people and thought about it just as being Drew’s girlfriend, it wasn’t quite as scary. “I guess it wouldn’t be so bad. Drew is a wonderful woman.” She makes me laugh, and she also takes me seriously and listens without ever looking bored. “No one in her right mind would think it’s a bad thing to be mistaken for Drew’s girlfriend.”
Sarah rubbed her index finger across her upper lip in a gesture that Annie had seen a thousand times in meetings.
She’s holding something back. Annie wasn’t sure she wanted to know what it was. A sigh of relief escaped her when Sarah walked toward the door.
But when Sarah reached it, she stopped and turned. “Then maybe you should think about why you’re reacting so strongly. If your friend Drew is so wonderful, maybe your reaction isn’t about Drew and her sexual orientation.” Sarah stepped out into the hallway. Over her shoulder, she added, “Maybe it’s about yours.”
Annie collapsed into her chair, which spun freely, just like her mind.
* * *
“I wish I could be you,” Annie said to Amadeus, who was wedged between her knee and the back of the couch, purring contentedly. “Cats have it easy. No messed-up family, no complicated revenge plans, no chaotic love life.”
She stopped herself. Love life? Where’s that coming from? She shook her head and focused on her laptop.
The calendar on the screen glared at her with big numbers. Just two more weeks until Thanksgiving, and with every passing hour, her nervousness grew. Her fingers moved in shaky little circles over the laptop’s touch pad, making the mouse arrow stagger across the screen.
How am I ever going to pull this off? I’ve never been so unprepared for anything in my life. Her doubts grew. Would it be better to call off this whole plan?
Then her stubbornness asserted itself. No! Giving up once things got tough was something th
at Jake might do. Annie had always stuck it out, no matter what. I can do this. It’s worth it. Just once, Jake deserves to know what it feels like to be tricked.
But was tricking Jake into believing she was in a relationship with Drew really what was making her so antsy? If she was honest with herself, she knew that more was going on deep inside of her. Sarah’s words still echoed through her mind on auto-repeat. Maybe your reaction isn’t about Drew and her sexual orientation. It’s about yours.
She shoved the thought away. One problem at a time. Calm down. Think. What do you normally do when you get nervous? The answer was easy. Since her private life was almost nonexistent, the only thing that usually made her nervous was a client with a large, complicated account. Those situations she handled by digging in, researching whatever she didn’t know, and asking colleagues for advice.
So what’s the problem? Just do the same now, and everything will work out. She breathed deeply and tried to calm her thoughts, which were going a thousand miles a minute. Okay. Ask someone for advice. The only lesbian she knew was Drew. So ask her. You’re in this together. She’ll know how to handle Thanksgiving.
The thought that she and Drew would deal with the problem together took some of the weight off her shoulders. Okay. What else? Research. I can do some research.
Feeling better already now that she was doing something, she opened her browser and stared at the search engine. Her fingers lingered over the keyboard. She gnawed on her lip, trying to come up with the right search words. How to convince my brother that I’m gay?
But she couldn’t imagine that anyone else on the Internet had blogged about a problem like that.
Start with something easy. Her fingers felt stiff when she typed in “lesbian relationships” and pressed enter.
Thirty-five million hits. She sucked in a breath and then scanned the first page of hits—links to online dating sites, safe-sex tips, and video clips that she didn’t dare to click on. She clicked on a few links, read a bit of information here and scanned another page there. Finally, she opened a magazine article about women leaving men for other women. Her head started to buzz as she read about sexual fluidity and being attracted to the person, not the gender. She rubbed damp palms over her sweatpants. Was it really that easy?
