The Faithful Heart

by MacMurrough, Sorcha

  "But even more important, I'm living in a man’s world once more. You can’t lose your temper every time you see me talk to another man. If you really loved me as you once claimed you did, you're just going to have to trust me.”

  “What about trust from you?” Ruairc hissed. “I heard what you said downstairs about the MacMahons!”

  “Can you blame me for being suspicious? So many of our ships are gone, our harvests ruined! The more I talk to people around the area, the more I realise that these bad events all happening one after the other are not bad luck or misfortune. They’re a deliberate attempt on the part of your brothers to ruin us.”

  “How do you know the O’Donnells aren’t involved?” Ruairc demanded.

  “They can’t be, I’ve spoken to them, and....”

  “Oh, you just talked, did you?"

  "Ruairc, that's enough. I am not involved with either man. They were always like brothers to me. You never were. There is nothing to be romantically jealous of."

  "Do they know that?"

  She nodded. "I think I've been more than clear."

  "Then perhaps their helpful attitude is just a trick?” Ruairc accused.

  Morgana stepped past him and moved over to the window to gaze out at the fields, still a pale green after the long winter. “I am almost certain they have nothing to do with my misfortunes. In any case, at some point I am going to have to start trusting someone. They are old and loyal friends. Ronan was the father I never had. Mine was too busy with you and Conor.

  I'm sorry—"

  "No, you both deserved it. You were like brothers, and he was heir. And we were affianced. There was no reason my father should not have treated you like a son in law."

  "Still, he treated you badly—"

  She shrugged one shoulder. "Ronan should have been my foster father. Niamh and I are as close as sisters should be. So if I must go cap in hand to beg for favours, I had rather it were them than any other clan.”

  “Any yet you are too proud to accept help from me!Or is it that I am no longer a friend? That you still question my loyalty?” Ruairc demanded.

  Morgana sighed, and went over to sit on her chair, where she collapsed wearily, and put a hand over her violet eyes to conceal the tumultuous emotions she felt. She considered his question for several moments before replying.

  “If you want an honest answer, Ruairc, then I tell you now, I do trust your loyalty, but would not divide you from your family unnecessarily. I dislike the idea of you having to work in servitude in Dublin, when by rights you ought to be the proud owner of Carrickdoo as your dying father insisted when he asked for the clan property to be spilt evenly between the three of you.

  “I certainly don’t like the idea of your depending upon me to restore the Maguire fortunes, because all of this may turn out to be one impossible dream. I’m not suggesting you want me only for my money. I know you too well for that. But would you really want me if I was penniless?"

  "Yes, in an instant!"

  She gave a sad smile. “It's loving and kind too say so, but would you really want me to abandon all my people, and yours as well, to a life of poverty and deprivation, for the sake of my own happiness?"

  His jaw worked up and down wordlessly. She could see how much this whole struggle was costing both of them. She had to make him see it clearly too.

  "As for us ever marrying, how can I give you an answer right now, with all of this going on? I feel like I need to get to know you all over again.We're different people now after all that has happened to both of us, and duty pulls at me constantly. I don’t know if those duties can ever be compatible with love.”

  “Certainly your duty to the Church wouldn’t be,” Ruairc commented quietly.

  “That’s just it! All of my choices have always been constrained by duty, by my responsibilities to the clan. How do I know if I really loved you or not? Maybe I just thought I did because everyone expected it, because you kissed me, tried to bed me, and I was young, inexperienced in the ways of men,” Morgana said angrily.

  “You are still are, aren’t you? Or have you been experimenting with all of these charming young swains?” Ruairc grumbled.

  She shot him a hard look. “I am still inexperienced, but are you telling me you're innocent, that there's been no on else, ever? No, don't answer, I have no right to ask. But I will ask you another question. What if I did meet another man, formed another attachment? I couldn’t have you living here at Lisleavan like th reproachful ghost of my youthful indiscretions coming back to haunt me.”

  Ruairc would have argued on both counts, but he could see the glint in her eye, and decided that if she had such an overwhelming need to be independent, to prove to everyone that she didn't need his help, he wouldn't argue with her. After all, she had to be seen to be worthy of tanaist in her own right if she were ever to succeed her father.

  He could see the look of surprise in her eyes as he said, “In that case there is nothing more for me to say. I am here if you need me, Morgana, as I always have been. But I am not going to make any attempt to restore our er, romantic relations.If you want me, I want it to be because of love, not duty. I do love you. I have always loved you, and will always love you.

  "And no, I was not a virgin when I met you, being older than you and full of rising sap, but that was all it was. A mere physical release with women interested only in that. It was never a close regard or the sharing of lives in any way the way we have shared.

  "Yes, I have been living in Dublin now for two years, but there has never been anyone else since I met you, though goodness knows enough of them have tried. I love you, Morgana, and I pray God your heart tell you what is right soon. But frankly, all this indecision on your part as to whether or not you can trust me is unflattering and hurtful." He put his hand on the door latch to leave.

  “I don’t see why I have to be forced to decide now, Ruairc! You’re being so unreasonable,” Morgana sighed. “It’s spring, I have a million things to do to get the land ready, plant the crops, and so on, without you continually badgering me into trying to take up where we left off two years ago."

  "I'm not badgering at all. I just said—"

  But she pressed on. "Yes, it was wonderful running off hunting and fishing, sleeping out under the stars, sailing on trade expeditions, but I haven’t got the freedom to do any of that now. Even if I said I loved you, Ruairc, we can’t go back to the same old life."

  "I know that! I wish we could as well, but that's not what I'm asking…"

  "I am sorry if you feel I am rejecting your love out of hand, but it always seems to have conditions attached to it. I can’t spend all my time with you even if I wanted to. Surely you must realise that,” Morgana reproached him gently.

  Ruairc sighed, and fiddled with a tassel on the cushion of his chair. “I am trying to offer you help, Morgana, you know that. You keep rejecting it out of hand. Maybe you're not as suspicious of me over Conor's death, but you're definitely suspicious of my motives. Maybe you’re right. Mayhap I have gone too fast. Perhaps if I didn't love you so much, I might be able to pretend cool indifference.

  “But damn it all, Morgana, I love you, and I refuse to hide it as if either of us are unworthy of the other or as if it's something to be ashamed of."

  "No, you're right, not ashamed," she agreed quietly, shifting in her chair to face him more fully as he hovered in the doorway. "But not something we have to flaunt either."

  "Agreed. So as I said, I will not deny that I want to spend time with you, and I make no apology for it. I merely avow that I have missed you so much in the past two years, I am finding it very difficult not to rush things in a desperate attempt to pick up where we left off.

  "I have a suggestion to make, therefore, which will not only allow us to get to know each other again, and see if any of the old feelings still linger, but would also be a way of helping you at the same time.”

  “What exactly do you have in mind?” Morgana asked warily.

  “
I will make a deal with you. No more hounding, badgering or jealous tantrums, if you will allow me to spend one day with you, from the moment you wake until the moment you sleep.

  "And I won’t pretend I don’t wish to extend to companionship to spending the whole night in your bed, but I swear, Morgana, it will be up to you. If you don’t want me, I shall go at the end of the evening, back to my lonely pallet,” Ruairc offered.

  “One day?” Morgana asked uncertainly, blushing at his mention of the night.

  “One whole day and evening,” Ruairc repeated.

  Morgana considered his suggestion carefully, and then nodded. “All right, I can’t really see the harm, but give me a few days to get the feel of things around here again, and then I can give you a definite day to carry out your experiment.”

  “Thank you, Morgana,” Ruairc said, trying not to feel too disappointed that she had managed to put him off yet again. She was right, there was a lot to do.

  At least she had agreed to his suggestion and given him her promise, so he opened the door at last. He hoped he didn't sound too glum as he said, “I can see you have a great deal of papers to go through, so I shall go sit with your father. He wants to see you, so don’t be too long, will you?”

  “No, I won’t. It’s getting late, and I haven’t slept since I rose at four in the morning at the convent yesterday when you came to fetch me,” Morgana said, stifling a yawn.

  "Then you shouldn't be overdoing things, or you'll be no help to any of us. I will see you shortly."

  "Aye, you will. And thank you, Ruairc, for being here. None of this is easy for any of us, but I know how hard you're trying."

  He bowed wordlessly, and left.

  Once alone, Morgana finally felt able to breathe. Why was it, no matter what he said or did, he had such a profound effect upon her. She put one hand to her head to steady herself. When he had been about to walk out on her, for a moment she had felt like she would do anything to make him stay, even if it meant throwing herself in his arms.

  But that would never do. It was too soon… It was too late… If they hadn't found poor Conor's body when they did, the two of them would have become lovers, and wed…

  The timing could not have been worse. Or better…

  Morgana had no idea where that thought had come from, and pushed it to one side, forcing herself to focus on the task at hand. She sketched out her plans using two different colours of ink to represent the changes, and then made lists of the amounts of provisions and animals required for each of her three castles.

  There were also basic household items such as cooking pots and utensils and beds to be got, for after two years of abandonment, the castles at Ma Niadh and Tulach had been gradually stripped by the people in outlying villages, and would have to be restocked as well as refortified.

  Morgana couldn’t spare anything from Lisleavan, for with a garrison of nearly seven hundred, plus provisions and stores for the villagers, she was going to be hard-pressed to provide for all of them, without giving away valuable items to the other two sites.

  “Perhaps I can send Ruairc, he’s always been good at bargaining,” Morgana wondered aloud.

  Just then his head popped around the door.

  “Still taking my name in vain?” he said quietly.

  “How would you like to go over to Clogher and Armagh for supplies with the wagons when they come back?”

  “Only if you are willing to come with me.”

  “But I couldn’t spare the time around here,” Morgana protested, though the prospect of walking through streets and looking through all the wares in the market was definitely appealing after her two years of seclusion.

  “Oh come now, surely you can go out to enjoy yourself for just one day, and you always did drive a hard bargain. The cattle market will be on in Clogher the day after tomorrow, or so the men in the village say. It would be just the right time to pick out a few good beast, and a prize bull.”

  “All right, but does this count as your day with me?” Morgana asked hopefully.

  “No, because we wouldn’t be alone, and besides, I want this to be a fun day, with no worries or expectations.”

  “Alone? Ruairc, when am I ever alone?” Morgana asked, exasperated.

  He nodded. “Well, you are now, but that's because you have to much to do to organise all your efforts. But as for us being alone together, you needn’t look so suspicious. I simply meant we that we will have to take some of the herders with us, and several wagons. There will be dozens of people with us, instead of a nice quiet day resting at home. With all the haggling and assessing in the market, I doubt we willl be able to say more than ten words to each other. But you need some supplies, and I am happy to go with you for protection as well as company, and helping to understand your stratgy better. All right?”

  She nodded. “I certainly do need stores,” Morgana sighed as her eyes dropped to her figures for provisioning each of the three castles.

  At length she looked up. “All right, the day after tomorrow it is, Ruairc. Thank you.”

  “Don’t mention it. Now, your father wants to see you before he goes to sleep. Will you please come?”

  “Of course. But I don’t want to hear any complaints about my working too hard when I come back here to finish totting up all my figures,” Morgana warned as she joined Ruairc out in the corridor.

  “You didn’t tell me what happened with the treasure,” Ruairc asked as they walked along side by side.

  Morgana explained about Niamh’s stolen dowry first.Then she informed Ruairc, “Ronan is melting it down and minting it, so we will have money to pay for all the things we need, and also to meet the high duties we’re being charged on our shipping.”

  His brows knit. “But you haven’t been trading. What duty is owing?”

  Morgana highlighted the situation for him as they walked through the great hall, and argued rationally, “If it’s a question of paying the money and trading, or trying to find evidence of wrongful practices, and not being permitted to trade anywhere in England or Ireland, then the first choice is my only option. It doesn’t sit well with me either, paying that two thousand pounds. It would have broken us if we hadn’t got help from the O’Donnells. But now that we have the money, we might as well use it where it will do most good, do you see?”

  “I do see. I'm beginning to see a lot of things,” Ruairc said grimly.

  He paused at the door to her father’s sick room.

  “Aren’t you coming in?” Morgana asked, oddly disappointed that Ruairc was leaving her alone.

  “I've been with him most of the day. Your father wants to have some time alone with you, I’m sure,” Ruairc said, backing away.

  Morgana shrugged and went inside. Her father did indeed look much brighter and he talked with her excitedly about all her plans.

  “I am so glad you've started things off in this way. The castles are crucial to the defence of our land, and I am pleased to know Ronan will stand by you in times of crisis.”

  “He’s coming to see you tomorrow, you know.”

  “Wonderful! I haven’t seen him since, well....” Morgan trailed off.

  “Since Conor died, Father.Say it. Too many things have been left unsaid in this house,” Morgana sighed.

  “Are you thinking of you and Ruairc? Or you and me?” Morgan demanded.

  “Both,” Morgana admitted.

  “Are you two any closer to reaching an understanding?”

  She shook her head, and gazed down at the interlaced fingers in her lap. “No, Father. Sometimes I think this whole crisis is actually driving us apart.Divided loves, divided loyalties.”

  Morgan shook his head. “Ruairc’s loyalty and love have never been divided. He loves you. He always has. You love the Maguire clan, but so does he, even beyond his own brothers and cousins. There is no reason for you to have to choose between the Maguires and Ruairc when you can have both.”

  “It seems selfish of me to put my own needs first.”


  “You never have before, but maybe it’s about time you did. There's nothing wrong in loving him and being happy. I know only too well the shadow that has been cast upon you both, and I am sorry for my part in it. But rest assured, you have my blessing if he is the man you want.”

  “I will think about it, really, Father,"she said, changing the subject quickly. Want him she did, but it wasn't a simples as being able to act upon her desires. She wasn't a simple country wench aching for her man. She was destined to be tanaist or destined for the convent. Until she made her final choice, she would have to make sure she didn't act in a way that would remove her options until she was sure of what she wanted.