He pulls back and looks at me and I mean really looks at me. His penetrating stare makes me turn away from him, afraid he’ll see the truth in my eyes. I’m miserable. I’m tired of the pain lying beneath the bullshit façade I’m trying to keep up. I’m not fine, but that’s my secret to keep.
“Dance with me?” he asks. I nod in appreciation of the attempt he’s trying to make in changing the subject.
LMFAO featuring Lil John’s Shots comes over the speakers and happiness surges through me as I step back from him and start shouting the lyrics to the song, my body bouncing to the beat. Lyle matches my movements as we laugh out loud and dance to the fast-paced rhythm.
The next thing we know, V.I.C’s Wobble pulsates through the speakers, and people begin forming lines. We dance, following the motions and bump into people laughing as we stumble over the footwork. Just as Lyle and I go into the turn, I trip over his foot and before I know it, I’m falling. My hands shoot to brace myself for the fall, but strong hands wrap around my waist saving me from myself. As soon as I’m upright, a strong hand wraps around my elbow, grips me tightly, and begins dragging me towards the exit of the club.
My head twists from side to side as I frantically look around for Lyle. The alcohol in my veins is no longer existent as I struggle to figure out what the hell is going on.
“What the fuck?” I shout as a red exit sign comes into view.
“You think it’s funny to taunt me with him?”
My eyes go wide as I suck in a deep breath in shock. I yank my arm back, trying to free it from his relenting grasp. He shoves the door open, pulling me through with a force he’s never shown before. As soon as my feet hit the gravel, I’m spun around, pinned against a wall, and barricaded in between his hands.
I screw my eyes shut, trying to block out the person before me.
“Look. At. Me.” He growls.
I shake my head back and forth as I try to block out the memories of a happier time. Our fun, flirty banter, the first time he walked into the diner, the first time he interrupted my dance with Lyle, the Blackhawk, the first time he told me he loved me… all of it. A whimper escapes me as tears build behind my closed eyes.
“Why don’t you want to look at me, huh?” he taunts in a malicious tone. “Afraid you might see the person that haunts your dreams, who’s every fucking where you look?” he seethes in a whisper.
A sob escapes me when he barks again. “Look at me.”
Slowly, my eyes peel open and the dam breaks free. Emotions I’ve worked so hard to suppress run rampant. Anger, hurt, betrayal, loneliness, all the things I never want to feel again bubble up to the surface. He still has the same blond hair cut in a high-and- tight. His clear blue eyes that were so warm and soft, and full of love are now cold and hard and filled with hurt. The veins in his strong arms bulge beneath his weight. He still has the same high cheekbones, strong jaw, and slightly crooked nose. Riley. My Riley, but not mine in the same sense.
“I asked you a question,” he states.
“Yes,” I answer in a whisper.
“What the hell is going on here?” Lyle shouts from beside us, causing us both to snap our heads in his direction. His eyes are shut into slits, his lips pressed into a hard line, his hands on his hips, and his chest heaves with exertion.
An evil laugh erupts from Riley as he looks between Lyle and me. He shoves himself away from the wall.
My breaths come in spurts and I finally feel like I can breathe.
Riley throws his arms up in the air in disbelief and asks, “Is he who you wanted all along?”
Lyle takes three long strides in Riley’s direction. “Look, you need to chill the fuc—,”
I run, putting myself between them and turning to face Lyle, I place my hands on his chest, stopping him in his tracks.
“Don’t,” I say quietly, shaking my head.
“Oh.” Riley laughs a humorless laugh behind me. “That’s just great, protect him.”
I spin around getting in Riley’s face. “What?” I taunt. “You don’t like the fact that I’m out having a good time with another man? You don’t like the idea of it being flaunted in front of your face like you did to me.” I’m bristling with anger and pent up frustration that I couldn’t stop myself if I tried. My adrenaline kicks in as I breathe heavy and hard. “One week, Riley. One. Fucking. Week and you had some other whore in your house!” Riley stumbles back as I shove him in the chest with all my might. “How could you do that to me?” I yell.
“You left me! You fucking ran!” he shouts back. He pokes himself in the chest as he adds, “From me!”
“I told you we needed some space at your parent’s house, and you agreed. I never said that I was done with you. But of course I ran when I found you at your house with another woman. What did you expect me to do? Never in my life have I felt pain like that before. I couldn’t do anything but run,” I fume quietly. “I thought I meant something to you. I thought you loved me,” I whisper, exhausted from it all.
“You do mean something to me. I love you more than anything,” he says in a calmer tone as he takes a tentative step towards me.
A ball of emotion lodges itself in my throat as I shake my head back and forth solemnly. “Love is supposed to bring you joy, not pain.”
“Kelsey, I think it’s time I take you home,” Lyle says softly from behind me.
“I think you’re right.” I look back at him over my shoulder before turning my attention back to Riley.
My eyes scan over every feature of Riley’s face one last time as I try to commit every facet of him to memory because I know when I leave this alley, this, us, our relationship will really be through. With one last nod, I turn towards Lyle as he wraps an arm around my shoulder and helps me walk away from my past, my future, from what I thought was my everything.
We make it all of seven steps when I hear Riley shout from behind me.
“You told me I was your sanctuary.”
I look back over my shoulder to see him standing there with his hands on his hips and head hung in defeat.
“People don’t run from the place that grounds them. But you did. And you left me a shell of a man that’s crumbling to the ground.” My breath catches in my throat as I hear the pain in his voice. “Congratulations.” He lifts his head, his eyes connecting with mine and I feel gutted as I see the anguish he’s going through. “You fucking ruined me.”
My knees begin to buckle beneath my weight and, as I start to fall to the ground, Lyle tightens his hold on me, pulling me into his side.
Pain is the only emotion Riley and I seem to cause each other now. I love him, there is no denying that, but I’m not sure I can bear to see either of us in any more pain. I’m tired of hurting.
“Goodbye,” I whisper through a strangled sob and the finality of those words has just ripped my heart out and left it behind in the alley with Riley.
With a shaky hand, I fumble putting the key in the lock. When the door swings wide open, in its threshold stands an irate looking Jen. Her face is flushed, her lips pursed in disappointment, her eyes narrowed into slits, and her arms crossed over her chest.
I look over my shoulder, giving Lyle a sad smile. “Thanks for tonight.” My tone is soft and the only thing heard in the still of the late night hour.
“No problem,” Lyle says from behind me.
After everything that’s happened between Riley and me, a small piece of me still thought we were salvageable. But after tonight, I finally realize too much damage has been done. There was nothing left to do but say goodbye, to shut that door on that part of my life, and finally move on… or try to anyway.
In the club I was a drunken mess; now I’m stone cold sober and by the look on Jen’s face, I’m about to get my ass handed to me on a silver platter.
As I bypass my pissed roommate, stepping into our home, her eyes follow my every move. I turn back and look at Lyle. “I’m sorry about tonight.”
Lyle looks from me to Jen and back to me w
ith a curious expression marring his face and I know he can tell something is up before he nods. “It’s all right,” he says before he turns to Jen, “Hey, Jen.”
She looks to him, her expression never wavering. “Hey.” She tilts her head to look around him before she says with a flat tone, “Thanks for bringing her home.”
“Goodnight.” He waves before walking back to his car.
As soon as she shuts the door, Jen turns to me, shaking her head. “Care to tell me why Lyle, out of all people, brought you home?” she asks in a clipped tone.
A heavy sigh escapes me as I plop down on the couch. An ache begins to build in my head as tonight’s events replay over and over. Leaning forward, I prop my elbows on my knees and drop my head in my hands. “Get off my back,” I whisper loud enough where she can hear me.
“Get off your back.” A humorless laugh escapes her. “Get off your back,” she repeats louder this time as she takes a step towards me.
I drop my hands from my face and look up at her. “What the fuck do you want from me?” I ask, matching her tone.
“I want you to grow the fuck up!” she yells in exasperation.
My mind is reeling at the fact that she’s yelling at me, but since Riley and I have split, my mood and actions have taken a toll on our friendship. I push up off the couch and take a step towards her, only inches remaining between our bodies. “Who are you to fucking talk?” I yell back at her, my arms spread out to my side.
“Fuck you! I’m not out fucking half the damn city and drinking the bars out of liquor in hopes to forget my ex,” she fumes back.
My body shakes with barely contained rage and my hands ball up into fists at my sides. “No, that’s right. Perfect Jen, right?” I seethe. “You have no fucking issues. Nothing fucking bothers you. Tell me,” I step into her space until we’re nose to nose, her face contorted in fury as she stares back at me, neither of us wavering, “when’s the last time you had your heart broken?” I tilt my head as I continue. “Oh yeah, when we were in college and you carried on a secret relationship with Alex, one of your professors.” I taunt. Her face turns a deeper shade of red, but I keep going. “Until you found out he was married. You thought he’d pick you over his wife, but he didn’t, did he?”
I’m not even able to continue my jab at her shitty dating life because, without warning, a loud crack sounds out in our living room and my head snaps to the right from the force of her hand slapping my face. I’m left breathless with a sharp, stinging sensation radiating throughout the left side of my face. And in that moment, I know I’ve gone too far. Slowly, my head turns back in her direction to see she’s taken a few steps back from me, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Who are you?” she whispers out in pain. She points at me, sweeping her hand in my direction, her face twisted in disgust. “Because this person in front of me, she’s not my best friend, she’s not my sister. She’s a bitter person that I don’t even know any more,” she says with a shake of her head.
A moment of clarity comes over me as her words begin to sink in. Who am I? What have I become? I’m not the strong, independent, confident woman who laughed and smiled and embraced life that I used to be. Instead, I’ve turned into this weak, pathetic, whore of a woman who buries her pain with booze and men.
It’s as if I’ve been caught in a thunderstorm of hurt. The rain is my pain, relentless as it pours down around me, slowly drowning me. My anguish is suffocating until I can no longer breathe. The only person willing to save me, Jen, has just handed me a lifeline. The question is how do I take it? I’ve fallen so far from myself, is there really a way back? Only one way to find out.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as I slowly sink to my knees. I lean back on the heels of my feet with my head hung down in shame. “I don’t know what to do to get over this,” I cry out. “I’m so lost,” I whisper through a choked sob. My shoulders shake from my silent sobs as I just sit there and… cry.
Bent knees break through the blur of my tears and I feel warm hands cup my face, tilting it up. Jen’s eyes, filled with remorse, flit back and forth between mine before she says. “You have to get over this,” she pleads. “It’s been a little over two months, Kels. He’s not coming back. I miss you. I miss my friend and I’m tired of watching you retreat into yourself, pretending everything is fine when it’s so obviously not.”
I shake my head as I take a deep breath before slowly exhaling and will myself to stop crying. “I feel like I’ve been shattered to pieces, Jen. Like I’m a vase thrown against a wall and exploding into a million tiny shards. If too many pieces are broken, it can’t be fixed,” I say with a hoarse voice.
“Listen, you’re not a damn vase. You are Kelsey Connor, daughter of Congressman Thomas Connor and Jane Connor, a heartless man and a self-centered bitch. You’re the ex-fiancée of Governor Todd Prescott, a weak coward and heartless man. You left all of them and their perks behind because you chose your happiness over them. A broken woman wouldn’t have had the guts to walk away from that. You can’t run from your past or act as if it doesn’t exist because it will eventually catch up to you. Now you’re a brokenhearted woman who will get up and walk away from this stronger. That or I will drag you up by the head of your hair and make you stronger,” she jokes, eliciting a small chuckle from me.
My eyebrow arches and a small grin tugs at the corner of my lips. “You’ll drag me up, huh?”
“You bet your sweet ass I will.” She smirks and shrugs. “Who better to whip your ass back into shape than your best friend.”
Jen’s hands drop from my face as she takes a seat next to me. I look at her out of the corner of my eye as I say, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought up your relationship with Alex. That wasn’t fair of me,” I whisper.
She nods for a second, her gaze fixed on the wall before she replies. “Yeah,” she sighs, “you shouldn’t have, but you’re right.” She jabs me in the ribs with her elbow before laying her head on my shoulder. “We’ve both been broken. But I think it’s finally time I move on, too.”
“What do you mean?” I ask curiously.
“Turner.” She shrugs. “He’s asked me out twice and I’ve avoided answering him for long enough. So when I go to work on Monday, I’m going to ask him out.”
“You like him?”
She lifts her head, looks at me, and smiles. “Yeah, I do. He’s nice and makes me laugh.”
“I thought you said he was stuffy,” I joke.
“Oh, he is,” she agrees, “but that’s only at work. We’ve gone to lunch a few times. I don’t know. It’s like he’s one person at work and another as soon as he steps out of the building.”
I nod as we both fall silent for a while.
“I didn’t mean to slap you,” she whispers.
A burst of laughter escapes me at her comment. “Yes, you did and it’s okay. I totally deserved it.”
“You did kind of deserve it.” She laughs.
“I actually think you knocked some sense into me,” I say as I now rub my sore cheek.
“Good,” she states proudly.
“I saw him tonight, Riley, we had it out in an alley.” I shake my head silently begging myself not to cry. “It’s over, Jen. Really over.” I sigh.
“Are you okay?” Jen asks quietly as she wraps her arm around my shoulders.
I nod as I sigh. “I will be.” And it’s the first time that I’ve uttered those words and have actually believed them.
The first step to fixing myself is finding Lyle’s number to call and apologize for what happened last night.
“Hey, Jen?” I call out as I exit my room.
Her eyes rake over me taking in my appearance from where she sits on the couch. One of her brows rises and a grin tugs at the corner of her lips. “You look nice. Where are you going?” Her tone is full of sincerity. It’s the first time in months that she’s seen me dressed like me and not in pajamas or party attire. My tan pops against the coral, flowing maxi skirt, white tank top, dark bro
wn infinity scarf and tan hobo bag draped over my shoulder. With my hair in a messy bun on the top of my head and face clean of makeup, I feel more like myself than I have in quite some time.
When I went to bed last night, I told myself that tomorrow is a new day, the day to bring Kelsey back to life, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I’ve come to discover the ache in my heart may never go away, but it will dull and eventually become a battle scar. A scar that Riley will forever own. I will carry it with me for the rest of my life and I’m okay with that, because in the end, Riley gave me something no other man has ever given me… love.
I plop down on the cushion next to her, rest my head back against the couch, and sigh. I look over at her and smile. “I thought I’d give Lyle a call and see if he can meet me for lunch,” I answer honestly.
She shakes her head and sighs. “Kels, I don’t think jumping into another relationship is wise.”
“It’s not like that. I feel like I owe him an apology for last night. He got dragged into my bullshit,” I shake my head as I continue, “and he didn’t deserve to. Honestly, I’m not ready to be with anyone else seriously. I still love Riley. It wouldn’t be fair for me or to anyone else to try and start a relationship right now, especially when I can’t give them my whole heart.”
“I completely understand.”
I bump her shoulder with mine and smile. “Plus, I need to work on me right now. So, I was wondering if you could get me Lyle’s number so I could call him?”
She plucks her phone up from beside her and starts texting. “Let me ask Turner for it,” she answers.
In seconds, her phone beeps and she begins repeating me the number.
“Hold on.” I laugh as I reach into my purse for my phone. “Okay, go ahead,” I say as I open my phone, save his number into my contacts, and then dial it. As I hold the phone up to my ear, it rings a couple of times before he answers.
“This is Lyle Jennings.” He is direct and business like which causes me to chuckle into the receiver.
“Hey. It’s Kelsey.”
Most would be embarrassed by their actions from last night, but I’m owning up to them.
Smoldering Page 16
