by P. F. Ford
Oh crap, she thought, as she slowly closed the front door and leaned back against it. How the hell am I going to tell him I’ve just been stood here, half naked, talking to his girlfriend?
When he finally came downstairs Slater was dressed for work. He dropped his suit jacket on the settee and made his way over to the kitchen.
‘Help yourself to my clothes, why don’t you?’ he said, when he saw what Darling was wearing.
‘What am I supposed to do? It’s not my house, so I don’t have any clothes here. Would you prefer it if I walked around stark naked? Only when I dropped the towel upstairs you looked as if you were going to die of shock. It’s only a t-shirt, and I only need it until you show me where the iron is. I’ll take it home and wash it before I give it back, if you’re that worried about it.’
She folded her arms, foot tapping, and stared at him as he heaved a big sigh, and then grabbed a slice of toast.
‘Can I say I think you’re being just a teeny bit ungrateful,’ she said. ‘If it wasn’t for me being prepared to drive you home last night, you’d still be in the pub, sleeping on a bloody chair. I took a risk for you. I’d been drinking too, you know.’
‘Then you shouldn’t have driven me home. You should have stuck me in a taxi.’
‘Can you hear yourself?’ she snapped.
‘What? Am I supposed to be happy? Don’t you get it? Everyone will know you came back here last night.’
‘So I looked out for my partner and drove him home. So what?’
‘So what?’ said Slater, aghast. ‘We bloody slept together, Naomi! I took advantage of you. I could get the sack for that.’
‘You really think that, do you?’ she asked. ‘You really think you’re so irresistible that Naomi Darling, a poor, feeble-minded woman, was so overawed she was unable to say no? Jesus, how big is your bloody ego? And there I was thinking Steve bloody Biddeford was the nob with the biggest head!’
‘What are you saying?’ he said, testily, ‘That you took advantage of me?’
She laughed so much, she nearly choked on her toast. Slater couldn’t see there was anything to laugh at.
‘Really?’ she said, when she finally stopped laughing. ‘Now you’re being ridiculous. Even if I did fancy you, do you really think you were in a fit state? I can assure you, when I undressed you there was absolutely no sign of any form of life inside your underpants.’
Now he felt his face turn a nice shade of scarlet.
‘What do you mean “when you undressed me”?’ he asked, uncertainly.
‘You don’t think you managed to put yourself to bed, do you? You were so drunk you couldn’t even find your front door key when we got home. I had to search your trouser pockets to find it.’
Now he looked even more embarrassed.
‘You were rummaging in my trouser pockets? On my doorstep?’
‘Yes,’ she said, revelling in his embarrassment. ‘And you were singing your head off.’
‘Singing? What, me? What was I singing?’
‘I think it was supposed to be Do Ya Think I’m Sexy,’ said Darling, ‘but quite frankly it could have been anything. I had to apologise to your neighbour when he came out to see what was going on.’
‘My neighbour?’ said Slater, reeling.
‘It’s alright. I told him I was going through your pockets to make sure I got paid before we got down to business.’
Slater added horrified to the collection of expressions fighting for a space on his face.
‘Anyway,’ she continued, ‘there’s no need to worry about whether we actually did get down to business. The only thing of interest I found down there was your front door key.’
‘What? You mean I didn’t-’
‘What? Get aroused by me fumbling about down there? You just be joking,’ she said, scornfully.
‘So what are you saying? That I was incapable, and that we didn’t have sex?’
She winked and gave him a wicked grin, but offered no reply.
‘But you said-’
‘No,’ she corrected him. ‘I didn’t say anything. Your massive ego assumed you’re so attractive I couldn’t help myself.’
Desperately, he tried to look for some sort of higher ground.
‘Well, what am I supposed to think when I wake up to find a woman has been in bed with me all night?’
‘It would have been nice to think you wouldn’t just assume I’m an easy lay,’ she said, angrily. ‘We haven’t even known each other five minutes, and I know for a fact I’ve not even hinted I find you attractive. So, if it’s not your ego talking, what possible reason could you have for assuming I would have wanted to have sex with you?’
Slater began to realise he had successfully painted himself into a corner, and he was pretty sure there was no way out. But then again, when he studied her face, it was telling him she wasn’t looking for a fight. She had already won the argument, and now she was just rubbing it in to wind him up. He could see she was, quite clearly, enjoying herself.
‘So, let me get this straight,’ he said. ‘We didn’t have sex last night, but we did sleep in the same bed.’
‘Correct,’ she said. ‘And, trust me, if you had tried to have sex with me, I think it would be safe to say it would have been an experience you wouldn’t forget in a hurry.’
For just a split second, Slater thought about suggesting maybe he wasn’t the only one with an ego, but just as quickly he thought better of it. If she really thought she was that special, that was okay with him, because he really didn’t want to find out one way or the other. He thought they might have the makings of a good working partnership, but that was as far as it would ever go.
‘So we slept together, but we didn’t sleep together?’ he asked, again.
‘Well, you slept,’ she said, sullenly. ‘I spent most of the night listening to you snoring.’
‘Well, maybe that serves you right for inviting yourself into my bed.’
‘You really are an ungrateful sod, aren’t you?’
Now it was his turn.
‘Now hang on a minute,’ he said. ‘I’ve let you share my bed, you’ve used my shower, you’re wearing my t-shirt, you’re eating my toast, and I’m going to let you use my iron. How much gratitude do you want?’
He waited for her response, but she just studied his face and munched on her toast.
‘No,’ she said, with a cheeky smile. ‘Sorry, but I’m not going to bite. You’re in the wrong here, and you know it. You jumped to a conclusion.’
‘Yeah, okay,’ he said. ‘I admit it. I panicked and I didn’t think it through. But you’ve made me die a thousand deaths this morning letting me think about how I’m going to get the sack.’
‘Well, that serves you right for being so damned ungrateful. Anyhow, nothing happened so there’s no harm done.’
‘It’s not quite that simple,’ he said. ‘I’m not the only one who will jump to that conclusion.’
‘But nothing happened.’
‘We know nothing actually happened, but it’s not going to be about what actually happened, it’s going to be about how it looks to everyone else. And you’re being naive if you think anyone will believe nothing happened.’
‘Oh, I get it. You’ve got a reputation, have you?’
He looked rather sheepish.
‘There was a time,’ he explained. ‘It was years ago now, when I was young and good-looking. But these legends live on long after their sell-by date.’
‘Oh, so now you’re a legend? Well, if I’d known that...’
‘I’m not saying I’m a bloody legend because of my performance,’ he said. ‘That’s not what I meant, and you know it.’
Darling looked like she was quite enjoying this.
‘Okay. So people talk. Let them. We just deny it, and no one can prove any different.’
‘That won’t stop the rumour mill,’ Slater said gloomily, ‘and anyway, what about your reputation?’
‘What do you care about my reputati
on?’
‘You’re my partner. Of course I care,’ he said, ‘and I especially care if it’s me that’s going to ruin it.’
‘Let me worry about my reputation,’ she said. ‘If you’re that worried about what people will think, why don’t you drive me home. I’ll get changed into some clean clothes and then make my own way into work. I’ll be a bit late arriving, but at least we won’t arrive together. I’ll say I got a taxi home and that’s why my car’s still in the car park.’
‘We can try it, I suppose,’ he said. ‘But don’t be surprised if it doesn’t work. Maybe it will be best if I go and see the boss and tell her before she hears about it from someone else.’
‘I’m sure that won’t be necessary,’ she said, hastily. ‘Let’s wait and see what happens. We can always go and tell her if we have to.’
He looked at his watch.
‘Shit! Look at the time. You’d better get dressed. ‘We need to get moving if I’m going to take you home.’
‘Right.’ She started towards the door, then stopped. ‘But, first, there’s something you need to know.’
‘Go on.’
‘When you were in the shower someone came to the door.’
‘What? This early? Who was it?’
‘I suppose your average bloke would describe her as a tall, beautiful, blond, with great legs and a fabulous figure,’ said Darling. ‘I’ve never met her before, but from the way you described her last night, I think it was probably Cindy.’
His mouth had dropped open in disbelief as she spoke, and now he looked her up and down. Her pert, pointy little breasts were obvious beneath his t-shirt, and her bare legs were there for all the world to see.
‘Oh no,’ he said. ‘And you answered the door like that?’
She nodded her head.
‘It gets worse,’ she said.
‘It couldn’t, could it?’
‘I told her I was your new partner, and that you’d be starving after the night we had last night.’
His face had been pale this morning anyway, but now he looked almost ghostly.
‘And then, if that wasn’t bad enough, you shouted down the stairs and called me Darling,’ she added.
‘No,’ he said. ‘You’re having me on, aren’t you?’
She shook her head slowly from side to side.
Slater suddenly felt sick.
‘You’re not joking, are you? And she heard me call you Darling? So she probably thought...’
As his voice trailed away to nothing, Darling was nodding her agreement with his conclusion.
‘Afraid so,’ she said, sadly. ‘But, in my defence, it was you who called me Darling, I really am your new partner, and we did have hell of a night last night. I just didn’t mean it in the way she assumed. I’m really sorry. I didn’t put two and two together until after she’d gone.’
Slater put his head in his hands and wondered if the day could possibly get any worse.
Chapter Twelve
‘Where’s DC Darling?’ asked Goodnews, rather more officiously than was necessary, ‘Her car’s in the car park. Why isn’t she here? She knew we were starting at seven.’
‘I asked her to check something out for me, on her way in,’ said Slater.
‘But her car’s here,’ insisted Goodnews, impatiently.
Slater suddenly realised there was huge flaw in the lie they had concocted about why she was late, and he was unlikely to survive getting the third degree from Goodnews about it. Perhaps if he just kept it vague.
‘She took a taxi home,’ he said, unconvincingly. ‘So I guess she’s getting a taxi back in this morning.’
Goodnews glared at him, suspiciously. She obviously wasn’t fooled, but it looked as though she had decided not to cause a scene in front of everyone. Slater breathed an inward sigh of relief.
As the meeting ended, Slater called Steve Biddeford and Tony Ashton over. Goodnews waited patiently until the two younger men had headed off towards the canteen for breakfast, before she came across to Slater.
‘I want a word, in my office,’ she said.
‘Boss?’ said Slater.
‘I think we need to have a little chat. I want to know what’s going on.’
‘Going on?’
‘Between you and Darling.’
‘What? Now?’ he asked.
‘Yes, now,’ she said, and turned for the door.
Oh crap, here we go, thought Slater, as he followed in her wake.
Darling walked into the incident room and stood in the middle, wondering what she should do next. The meeting had already finished and the only person there was Norman. She looked hopefully at him for a little guidance.
‘I’m not sure what you two are up to,’ said Norman. ‘But I hope to God it’s not what Goodnews seems to think it is.’
Darling knew she couldn’t have looked guiltier if she’d had the word tattooed across her face.
‘What?’ she said, ‘I don’t know what you mean.’
‘Yeah, right,’ said Norman, with a smirk. ‘I suggest you need to improve your lying skills if you ever hope to join the other side. I’m only surprised Steve Biddeford didn’t pick up on it. Whatever he had to drink last night must have dulled his senses, but trust me, if he finds out the whole world will know by midday.’
‘There’s nothing to find out. Whatever you think has happened, you’re wrong.’
‘Now let me hazard a guess,’ said Norman. ‘You both had too much to drink last night and you ended up at his house.’ He looked pointedly at Darling, ‘Am I right so far?’
Her face must have told him all he needed to know.
‘Oh, shit,’ he said. ‘I am right.’
She began walking towards him, and opened her mouth to speak, but he got there first.
‘I’m not sure I want to hear the gory details,’ he said. ‘And, frankly, what you two get up to in your own time is your business, but-’
‘Will, you shut up and listen,’ she snapped, red-faced. ‘Why does everyone think I’m willing to dive into bed with any bloke who crosses my path? When I met you I thought you were different, but you’re just as bad as the others. Last night it was bloody Biddeford, assuming I couldn’t resist him, then this morning Slater woke up and assumed he must have given me a good time, just because I was there in his flat. Now you’re accusing me of being some sort of cheap tart, and you won’t even let me explain what happened.’
She slipped her bag from her shoulder, slammed it down on her desk, dragged her chair out, and positioned it so she sat down with her back to Norman.
‘Talk about guilty without a bloody trial!’ she finished. ‘You’re just a bunch of misogynist arseholes!’
After a moment, she heard Norman pushing his chair back and then felt a gentle hand on her shoulder.
‘Hey look,’ he said, quietly. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions, but if you both come in here looking guilty with some half-baked story about why you’re late, what do you expect people to think?’
She sniffed, and then turned to look up at him.
‘Was it really that obvious?’ she asked.
‘Let’s put it this way,’ he said. ‘I don’t think Goodnews has dragged Dave up to her office so she can enquire after his health. My money would be on her pointing out his responsibilities towards his new young partner and her wellbeing. Heck, she might even be inviting him to take a few steps back down the ladder. I hear they’re short of PCs right now.’
Darling felt horrified.
‘She wouldn’t do that, would she?’
‘She might,’ said Norman. ‘It all depends on what exactly you’ve been up to.’
‘I promise you it’s not what you all seem to think,’ she said.
‘You wanna tell me about it?’
‘There’s nothing to tell. We went to the pub, we had a few beers, Dave got pissed, so I took him home and put him to bed, end of story. You did ask me to look out for him, so I did.’
‘And not
hing else happened?’ asked Norman.
‘I swear,’ said Darling. ‘For a start he was so pissed he wouldn’t have been capable, and he’s not my type anyway. God, he’s old enough to be my dad!’
‘Well, let’s hope that’s what he’s telling Goodnews, and that she believes him. With any luck he’ll just get away with a bollocking for getting pissed.’
‘We were off duty. Surely he can have a drink or two.’
‘In that situation, the senior officer is expected to stay sober and keep an eye on everyone else. How many pints did he drink?’
‘It must have been seven or eight,’ she said.
Norman sighed.
‘Jesus,’ he said. ‘No wonder he was pissed. Did he get maudlin, and start rambling on about Cindy?’
Darling rolled her eyes.
‘Did he ever,’ she said. ‘I thought he was never going to stop.’
‘Yeah, I wish she’d hurry up and come back home. Maybe then he wouldn’t get so damned miserable.’
‘Ah, it’s funny you should mention that. She is back home.’
‘She is?’ asked Norman, sounding surprised. ‘How do you know? Did he tell you?’
‘I wish,’ she said. ‘I know because I answered the door to her this morning.’
‘Wow! I bet that was awkward.’
‘I’ll say. I’d just got out of the shower a few minutes before, so my hair was wet, and I was wearing one of his t-shirts and not much else.’
‘Ahhh,’ said Norman, his face reddening a bit.
‘And of course, I didn’t realise who she was at first, so I was explaining how I’m his new partner, and how I was sure he would be ravenous because we’d had one hell of a night.’
‘So she’s jumped to the same conclusion as the rest of us.’
‘Right,’ said Darling, miserably. ‘And then, just to make sure she really got the wrong end of the stick, he came out of the shower and called down the stairs “put some toast on, Darling”.’
‘Yeah, his timing can leave a lot to be desired,’ observed Norman. ‘What happened after that?’
‘She turned and ran away.’
‘Oh shit,’ said Norman.
‘Oh shit, is right,’ said Darling, sadly. ‘Hashtag: welcome home. I don’t think.’
