by J. M. Miller
He raised his head and a bushy eyebrow at me. “Can I help you?”
“I’m Lila Wayde. I had to switch classes for the Co-op program.”
“Oh, right,” he said. “Take an empty stool and open to page one forty. I’m afraid you’ll have to endure the beginning of chemical bonds again if Ms. Stevens already started.”
I moved past all the full lab tables to the back where Izzy sat alone in the corner of the room, smiling to greet me. Thank goodness. The neighboring lab table sat Adam and Ryan, Adam being closer to the chair I’d be in. Of course. But as I walked closer to the empty chair, Ryan leaned over and whispered something to Adam. Adam slid off his stool, rather nosily, and switched places with Ryan.
Izzy looked over at them as Mr. Hobt began to speak to the room. “Hey,” she said, moving her eyes back to me when I was close enough to hear.
“Hi.” I dropped my books on the table and sat down.
“Don’t let them bother you,” she whispered, tossing a pony tail-flipping head tilt behind me toward Ryan. “I’m sure they’ll try to start something.” I shrugged my acknowledgement and opened my book, trying my hardest not to look at anyone. I just wanted the day to end.
“Hey,” Ryan whispered from the next table.
Ugh. I do not need this. Mr. Hobt turned to the board and began to write. I glanced over at Ryan, who had turned his body completely toward me on his stool. I raised my eyebrows, making my question clear without saying a word.
He smiled crookedly and shook his head. His dirty blond hair shifted along his forehead lightly, drawing my focus to his black eye. The sound his head had made when it smashed against the stone floor of the courtyard echoed in my mind. His hazel eyes looked directly into mine. “How are you feeling today?”
Adam leaned far back on his stool, glancing around Ryan’s back at me, confused by our conversation. Didn’t Ryan tell his best friend about Friday night? Ryan kept his focus on me as Adam smacked him on the back. “Dude,” he said then whispered something I couldn’t hear. Ryan’s eyes rolled and I took the opportunity to look back to the front of the room. Mr. Hobt’s head was still averted, but I could tell Izzy’s eyes weren’t by the burning feeling in the side of my head.
I glanced toward her for a second and she widened her dark blue eyes, clearly wanting to know what was up. I shrugged again. There was no way I’d try to explain what had happened after her and Spaz had left the party on Friday, especially not here.
“Hey,” Ryan said again.
I turned my head back to him, glaring.
He smiled again like I was flirting instead of wishing he had another black eye. “Are you going to answer my question?”
“Fine. I’m fine.”
The smile stayed on his face as he stole a glance toward Mr. Hobt. “You don’t look fine. Well, you do look fine,” he said, emphasizing with a nod toward my body, “but, you don’t seem okay.” His face straightened out seriously.
I grinned at his honesty. There was something annoyingly charming about him, kind of like a few Summerlin boys I used to know so well. Dammit. That was something I didn’t need to admit, even in my own head. And I definitely didn’t want him getting the wrong idea about all of this. He had obviously drawn his own conclusion, connecting what had happened Friday night to what just happened with Ben and me minutes ago.
I bit my bottom lip, trying to think of the best and clearest way to say what needed to be said. “Look, Ryan, I hope you’re not—”
“Ms. Wayde? I certainly hope that you aren’t bringing bad habits into my classroom. I do not allow free talk unless we’re involved in a project. This is your only warning. It happens again and you might find yourself back on your old schedule.”
“Sorry, Mr. Hobt,” I replied with a glance at Ryan, hoping he’d get the message to back off. He tipped his face down with an evil smirk and his body shook with a silent laugh.
Adam stared at the back of his head with a sour look and I could almost feel Izzy’s eyes doing the same to me.
Ugh.
The headache kicked up a notch as soon as the bell rang. And with it came more voices.
“I wish I were smart enough to figure this crap out,” a guy’s voice at the front of the room said before he packed up his books.
I pressed my fingers into my closed eyes, hoping the pressure would clear my thoughts. Ryan and Adam were talking and hadn’t moved from their stools. I was hoping to delay a little and possibly get Ryan alone so I could tell him to back off. As soon as I slid my books into my arms, Izzy tugged my T-shirt and dragged me toward the door. “What was that about?” she asked.
I shrugged again, not wanting to lie outright.
She sighed. “Okay. I’m trying to be a good friend here, you know?”
“I appreciate it, Izzy, but I’m not really up to talking about it right now,” I said, glancing back toward the room when we crossed into the hall. Ryan was walking out with Adam and his eyes were on me. He grinned when he noticed me looking.
“I understand,” she said, bringing my eyes back to the hall. “I’m bummed you won’t be at lunch with us anymore.”
“I am too.” I had no problems giving her a half-truth about that. I would miss the connection with them sure, but I wouldn’t miss the cafeteria’s daily assault on my brain. I was also happy to dodge the awkward tension that followed a breakup.
“I’ve got to go to gym,” she said. “So I guess I won’t see you until tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” I agreed then watched her tiny frame disappear among all the other bodies. I had two more periods left before I could leave. With how bad my head was getting, I had a feeling I’d be counting down every minute.
I’m not sure what hurt worse, her pulling away from me or the fact that she wouldn’t even look me in the eyes. All I could really say was, “I’m sorry.” How pathetic. Even if she gave me the option to repeat those simple words for the rest of my life, it still wouldn’t be good enough. They were only words, trivial compared to the trust I’d broken. Maybe I didn’t deserve to be around her. Maybe I didn’t deserve to help her. All this time I’d been trying to protect her, and I failed her in the worst possible way.
I cupped my hands below the running faucet and splashed cold water on my face. Staring absently into a mirror in the empty guys’ bathroom, I wondered if I’d ever make her smile again. Water dripped from my face, soaking the top of my shirt as it ran down my neck. I snatched a brown paper towel from the dispenser and patted the excess away.
This day needs to end.
My steps to the cafeteria were the same as they had been all morning: heavy and thoughtless, with just enough direction to get me to my next destination. I bumped into people. A few shoved me out of their way. I really didn’t care. Knowing that LJ wouldn’t be at lunch, I just wanted to leave. But I’d already missed too many days from the suspension and from faking sick, so skipping was out of the question. My only option was to push through.
Spaz was already seated when I arrived at the table. “What’s up, man?” he asked, not looking up from his lap, where he continued to text on his phone. His hair’s usual spikes were lax, fighting to survive the rest of the day. Same as me.
I set my books and tray down then took a seat. “Not much.” Trying not to focus on how empty the seat was beside me, I grabbed my tea and shook it up. Please, let me get Co-op so I can skip the way that damn empty chair is making me feel right now.
Spaz finally stopped texting and looked up. His eyes widened and he whipped his head back as if he’d been hit. “What the hell happened to you?”
“Nothing.” I opened the tea and took a drink.
“Oh? Okay, at least tell me it’s not something contagious because you look like crap.”
“Not contagious,” I confirmed after taking a bite of my meatball sub.
Iz finally arrived, sliding her tray onto the table and flopping into the seat beside Spaz. “Guys.”
“Hey,” I replied and looked another direction wh
en Spaz gave her a quick kiss. I’d have to get used to third-wheel status again. I’d never minded before, but this time wasn’t by choice.
“So, Benj,” Iz said. She propped her thin arms on the table and leaned in close. “Since LJ didn’t bother to clue me in, why don’t you? And don’t even try to lie. You both look depressed. So,” she said, pausing while she laced her fingers, “what gives?”
I couldn’t tell them everything, but they deserved to hear the basics from me now instead of hearing random rumors later. I clenched my jaw and flashed a glance toward LJ’s empty seat. “LJ and I broke up. I guess.”
“What? She dumped you?” Spaz asked. I narrowed my eyes at him before looking away. I guess it was true, though she never actually said that we were over. There was so much else involved, I wasn’t sure what to call it. But I had broken her trust, possibly beyond repair. So maybe her dumping me was the truth, stripped of all the other mess and laid out in its simplest form. It was raw and real, and it burned so much more when spoken out loud.
“I guess you can say that,” I said gruffly.
“That explains a lot,” Iz said and looked over toward the center of the cafeteria.
“Like what?” I asked.
She sighed while staring out into the chaos of the cafeteria. “I knew something was up between you two this morning. And Ryan must’ve picked up on it too because he was talking to her during class.”
My eyes zeroed in on Ryan and my hands automatically clamped into fists. The fact that he was lucky enough to share a class with her pissed me off and only added to my heavy list of frustrations. Emily was sitting with him at the popular table like every other day, but she wasn’t as close. Ryan had his feet kicked up on a separate chair, keeping her at a distance.
“What did he say to her?” I asked Izzy with my eyes still on Ryan. My wounds from the fight were already gone, but his weren’t. Still, I found myself wishing I’d landed a couple more hits because his face didn’t look as bad as it should have.
“He just asked how she was doing. It looked like they’d talked recently,” she replied, turning her attention to her salad and emptying a packet of dressing on top.
There shouldn’t be a reason for me to worry about LJ talking to Ryan. She was going through enough already. She wouldn’t willingly add to that pile. At least, I hoped she wouldn’t. I knew Ryan wouldn’t give up easily, though. If he kept trying, would it wear her down? Would her mind give in like it had at the party?
“Benj?” Iz said, snapping me out of my thoughts. “Do you know something?”
“You gave him that badass shiner, didn’t you?” Spaz piped in. “Is LJ messing around with him?”
Staring at the sub on the tray in front of me, I considered what would happen if I told them the truth. Answering all of their questions would not only take time but a huge amount of energy that I didn’t have. In the end, keeping everything normal to them was probably for the best.
“I knew it!” Spaz huffed after I didn’t respond. “What a bitch.”
“Don’t,” I warned, looking him in the eye. “She isn’t messing around with him. Things just got crazy after you guys left the party. LJ’s mom showed up while I was outside getting the Cuda from Randall. Ryan was at the party—”
“He was there?” Iz cut me off.
“Yeah, he was Vader.”
“Son of a…” Spaz pounded a fist on the table and glanced toward Ryan again.
“Look, nothing happened between them. Ryan and I fought, but that doesn’t matter. LJ is the one dealing with a lot of stuff right now so I’d appreciate it if you guys didn’t take this out on her. I’m the one who screwed up.” They both stared at me blankly. I couldn’t blame them. The vagueness of my story was even irritating to me. “She might not want anything to do with me right now, but she still needs friends,” I said, staring at Izzy to make sure she understood.
“Yeah, okay,” she replied.
Spaz didn’t look as convinced. “But—”
“No, dude. No buts. LJ doesn’t need the extra bullshit right now, okay?” My voice shook through the hardened words.
“Chill, man. I get that. What I was going to say was, what about Ryan?”
“What about him?” I took a drink of tea, not even bothering to touch my sub again. My appetite was long gone.
“He’s obviously trying to make a move. Are you just going to let him?”
I sighed. “I’m going to leave LJ alone like she wants. I’m not willing to make things worse just because I want to break his neck. So I’m backing off.” I shook my head when Spaz opened his mouth to interject. “Picking a fight with that douchebag won’t help. She can handle that aspect alone, I hope.”
“I agree,” Iz said, shoving the rest of her salad away and leaning her elbows onto the table. “LJ looked like she was ready to shoot him down earlier, but Mr. Hobt yelled at her for talking.”
Her last words were reassuring, but I still wanted more. “And just because I’m backing off it doesn’t mean I trust him,” I said for Spaz’s benefit. “Iz, can you keep me posted with what happens in class?”
“Sure, no problem,” she agreed with a soft, sympathetic smile.
They mostly talked to each other the rest of lunch, deciding to give me some space. I didn’t mind. I just wanted the day to be over so I could enjoy more space at home. Alone.
By the end of the period, we were talking bikes. “Hey, you up to having that friendly bike competition this weekend? A couple of guys who work with my mom ride and they’re down to throw in some cash,” Spaz said.
“I’ll have to check the event house’s schedule first. It’ll be nice to tear the track up a bit.” It would help take my mind off of things too. Maybe the distraction would clear out the crap long enough to figure out a way to search for answers without being in LJ’s house. There had to be another way.
“Great. Let me know about the schedule and I’ll pass on the info.”
The bell rang and everyone shuffled toward the door. “Hey,” I said to Spaz and Iz before they bolted. “Thanks, guys.”
“Hey,” Dad called from the kitchen when I leaned through the front door. “How’d the first half day go?”
I dropped my bag beside the entry table and held the door open. “It was all right.”
“Everything else okay?”
“I’ll let you know after I finish my first day in the office with Simone,” I joked and rolled my eyes.
“I’m sure you’ll be fine,” he replied, walking out of the kitchen into the foyer.
I shrugged. “I agree. She seems to be in a more pleasant mood lately. We think someone’s decided to notch her bedpost,” I said, regrettably including Ben in the “we.” Associating him with my conversations even hurt. Dad coughed like he was choking on his own spit. “Are you okay?”
He nodded and smacked his chest a couple of times. “Fine,” he said with another light cough. “It’s not very nice for you to say those types of things about people.”
“Well, it’s probably true.”
“Still. It’s not nice. But I am glad she’s been more cordial. Have you eaten?”
“No, but I’m fine.”
He took a few steps back into the kitchen, grabbed a breakfast bar off the counter, and tossed it to me. “Eat this at least, please?”
“Thanks,” I said, catching it before stepping outside. “Oh, and the car still needs gas.”
“Thanks a lot,” he replied with a laugh.
I closed the door and crossed the lawn to the event house, eating the breakfast bar along the way. Fallen leaves scattered along the front drive, rippling over the grass and pavement in a low current of wind. It was odd knowing I wouldn’t have to rake them anymore. If Lloyd or Randall didn’t get to them this afternoon, Ben would have to do it later. Alone.
I shook my head before grabbing the doorknob, attempting to bury my thoughts of him. Crying would not be a good way to start work with Simone, and tears would surely come if my mind lingere
d on him. Using pain as a distraction, I inhaled so deeply it hurt then walked inside.
A few people stood back near the courtyard’s door, beside the kitchen entry. I recognized two of the guys from Ben’s birthday, though I couldn’t remember their names. They glanced my way for a moment then went back to talking. The event house’s décor was back to its normal nineteenth-century elegance, but somehow it felt flat without the hay bales and fancy painted pumpkins. Leaving the soft sounds of kitchen chatter behind, I walked upstairs.
“Right, right,” Simone’s voice came through the crack in her office door. “We have earlier openings if that’s something they’re considering.” She paused for a moment. “February is possible.”
I knocked and cracked the door wider to see her. She stood in front of her desk wearing a white, button-down business shirt tucked loosely into a gray pencil skirt that ended just above her knee. Her light brown hair was fluffed out with enough body to keep its new length from touching her shoulders. One hand held a phone to her ear and the other swiped the air, motioning for me to come in.
She pointed to one of the leather office chairs in front of her while she flitted back to her own chair. “You find out what dates they are leaning toward and call me back tomorrow. Okay. Talk to you soon.” She hung up the phone and worked her fingers across the computer keyboard. “Looks like the Tanners changed their minds about a spring wedding. I need you to pull up their file on the other computer and update some info for me.”
Nothing like jumping right in. “Okay,” I said, hopping up and going to the closet office where Emily was usually stationed. “Will Emily be here today?”
“No, she’s not on the schedule until Friday afternoon,” Simone said as I took a seat at the tiny desk. I breathed a little easier knowing I wouldn’t have to deal with Emily all week.
The room was larger than an average closet, with enough space to fit the antique writing desk, two standing filing cabinets, a trashcan, and a thin printer table.
