“You mean it?” She whispers. “You’ll take care of me?”
“Always.” I take a deep breath. “I care about you, Harper. More than I’ve cared about anyone in a long, long time.” Ever, maybe. “Plus, I’ve never had anyone tell me I have a cute man bum, and that’s worth hanging onto.”
She smiles and her eyes mist up. Her arms find my waist and she pulls me in closer. I hold her in my arms until her trembling body calms down. I stroke her head and place a soft kiss on her brown hair. Even when she’s nervous and sick, she still smells like roses.
With Harper in my arms in the doctor’s office, I know in my heart that I was telling the truth. I’ll do anything for her.
Chapter 32 - Harper
The door opens and Zach pulls away from me. I extract myself from the warmth of his arms and he goes back to his chair. We look at the doctor expectantly as he closes the door, holding a clipboard in his hand.
Doctor MacDonald turns to us and holds his arms out by his sides, palms facing us. He smiles.
“Congratulations!”
I frown, and glance at Zach. He looks from Doctor MacDonald to me and then back to the doctor.
Doctor Mac looks at me, beaming. “You’re expecting!”
“Expecting what?” I ask. My brain can’t process his words. I know what they mean, but I can’t make any sense of it. Expecting?
“Expecting a child,” he explains. “You’re pregnant! Congratulations! What a perfect couple for it as well. Beautiful child, I’m sure.” He sits down in front of his computer and starts typing something. “We’ll have to get you in for a checkup in the next couple weeks. Wonderful!”
The air rushes around my ears and I feel like I’m going to fall over. I turn towards the doctor and the paper under me crinkles and crunches.
“That’s not possible,” I say. My breath is short and my voice sounds strained, even to my ears. I don’t have the nerve to look at Zach right now. I can hardly look at the doctor. I just keep repeating: “That’s not possible.”
Doctor MacDonald looks at me. I can’t say anything else, so I just repeat myself one more time. “That’s not possible.” My throat is closing and the edges of my vision are going blotchy and dark.
“It is possible, and it’s true,” Doctor MacDonald says. “About three to four weeks, I’d say.”
I do mental calculations. Three to four weeks… my jaw drops and I finally turn my head towards Zach. The Christmas party!
Zach’s face is as white as a sheet. He’s gripping the armrests and staring at Doctor MacDonald. He sees me turn towards him and lifts his eyes towards me. I can’t read them, they’re dark and cloudy. My voice is stuck in my throat and I don’t know what to say. He stays silent.
“Oh my God,” I breathe as I bring a hand up to my forehead. Should I be happy about this? This is all I wanted for years, but now… Is Zach happy?? He doesn’t look happy. He hasn’t said anything.
Everything from the past few weeks rushes back towards me. The nausea, the cravings, the tiredness, the swollen fingers. I’ve been pregnant this whole time!
Doctor MacDonald is saying a thousand and one things and thrusting pamphlets into my hands. I take them but all I can hear is the gargled sound of his voice. It sounds like he’s speaking to me under water, I can’t make out anything he says. I try to focus, try to think. I’m sure it’s important, but all I can think of is the last time I went to the doctor.
One in ten million.
Infertile.
Might as well be impossible.
Consider adoption.
Finally I look at Doctor MacDonald and interrupt him. “I’m infertile! This isn’t possible.”
He pauses, and tilts his head to the side. His eyes soften and he nods slowly. “It would appear the last doctor you went to made a mistake. Some people call them miracle babies.”
“Miracle babies,” I repeat. I glance at Zach, who’s still as pale as a ghost and staring at the ground between his feet. He hasn’t said a word. My heart starts thumping and I feel the panic welling up inside me.
Finally, the doctor says a few more unintelligible things and ushers us out the door. I walk out in a daze, making my way outside with Zach. He hasn’t spoken and he won’t look at me. I put a hand over my stomach and feel a flutter in my chest.
Miracle baby.
Suddenly the shock dissipates and I my heart starts beating with something new. I’m pregnant! I’m pregnant! I’m going to have a child!!
Zach unlocks his car and I slide into the passenger’s seat. He puts the key in the ignition but doesn’t start the car. I take a deep breath.
“Zach, listen, I…” I pause. “I was told before that it was impossible for me to have children. If you don’t want to be a part of the kid’s life, I understand. I’m willing to take care of it on my own. This wasn’t something you planned for. Neither of us could have.”
His head turns slowly around towards me. His eyes are blazing and he opens his mouth. I shy away from him, leaning back towards the car door. This isn’t the caring man who was holding me in his arms just minutes ago.
“You…” he pauses and licks his lips. His eyes are dark and stormy and unreadable. “You’re going to keep it?”
My stomach drops and my heart beats in my suddenly hollow chest. My eyes prickle and the anger flares up inside me. Am I going to keep it!?!?! Of COURSE I’m going to fucking keep it!!!
“Yes.”
He stares at me for a few moments before nodding. He turns towards the steering wheel and turns the car on.
“I should probably take you home, then?”
His words pierce my chest like a hot dagger. He wants nothing to do with me. He just wants to get rid of me as soon as possible.
“Yeah,” is the only response I can manage. I stare out the window as he starts driving, trying to choke back tears. Ten minutes ago he was telling me he would take care of me no matter what, and now he’s dumping me off back home like I’m some sort of inconvenience. I get that this is unexpected, but does he have to be so cold?! He won’t even look at me!
A tear rolls down my cheek and I brush it away quickly. It feels like a hand is squeezing my chest and I can hardly breathe. We drive in silence, staring out the window. The tortuous drive to my house finally ends as he pulls up in front of my apartment building.
“Thanks,” I say. I turn towards him, wanting him to say something. I want him to say that it’ll be ok, that we’ll figure it out. I don’t need him to marry me or stay with me or even be part of the baby’s life but I do need to feel like he doesn’t hate me all of a sudden.
“No problem,” he says. He keeps staring straight ahead and doesn’t look at me. The dagger in my chest twists and my vision goes blurry as the tears fill my eyes. I scratch at the door for the handle and stumble out of the car. As soon as I close the door, he’s speeding off down the street.
I watch the car turn off and I break down. The tears come hot and fast, and my sobs shake through my entire body. I stumble into my building and crawl up the stairs. I’m crying so hard can’t see anything in front of me. My breath is ragged and I gulp in the air in between sobs. I struggle to unlock my door and finally push my way in, closing it behind me and collapsing onto the floor.
I cry and cry and cry, hugging my arms to my stomach. I’m alone now. Zach never cared about me at all. It was all just a fling, just a bit of fun to him. He was just telling me what I wanted to hear. The torrent of emotion inside me is like a hurricane.
When it quiets down all that’s left are two words burned into my mind’s eye: I’m alone. The tears are still streaming down my face but I force myself to stand up.
“It’s just the two of us now,” I whisper to my belly. “I’ll take care of you.”
I take a deep breath and head towards the bathroom. Bath, ice cream, and movies. Maybe Rosie will come over and she can help me figure out my life from there.
Chapter 33 - Zach
I walk into my apartment and I realise I don’t remember the drive back to my place at all. I hardly remember leaving the doctor’s office. I drop my keys on the counter and take off my jacket before going to the fridge and grabbing a beer. I crack it open and flop down onto my sofa.
The cold liquid pours down my throat and I sigh in satisfaction. I drink about half the bottle in one gulp, and then open my eyes. I stare at the beer in my hands, peeling the label off slowly.
She’s pregnant.
Three or four weeks, that would put us at the Christmas party.
Is it even mine?
As soon as the thought crosses my mind I dismiss it. I know it’s mine. It has to be mine! Who else’s would it be? The timeline makes sense, and we never used any protection. How could I be so stupid?!
I can’t believe she’s pregnant. As soon as Doctor Mac said the words I couldn’t think or hear or speak. I could hardly focus on the road.
I lay back in the sofa and put a hand over my eyes. I replay the day in as much detail as I can. Harper’s sickness, her hesitation about going to the doctor, telling me she’d take care of it on her own.
What if she planned this?? What if she’s exactly like all the other women that I’ve worked so hard to avoid. I’m usually so careful! I’ve had so many women try to get themselves pregnant just to attach themselves to me. What if she’s just another one of them?
I crack another beer open and feel the anger welling up inside me. She played me. She never told me why she knew she wouldn’t get pregnant, and like a fool I just took her at her word. I assumed she was on the pill, but I never fucking asked! She’s probably been trying to trap me with a kid this whole time!
She’s just like the rest of them.
I bring the bottle of beer to my lips and drink another quarter of it. I churns in my stomach and feeds my anger.
I thought she was different. I was starting to care about her! I thought I was starting to -urgh - love her!!! The thought of it makes me swallow the rest of the beer. Love! What am I thinking. She’s just another gold digging woman looking for an easy way out.
My thoughts come hard and fast, swirling through my head until I’m dizzy. My anger gives way to panic. I’m going to be a father! My panic gives way to uncertainty. She looked just as shocked as I was. My uncertainty turns to anger again. She’s just a fucking good actor, is all.
I drink beer after beer after beer until I can’t see straight and the pain in my chest dulls to an ache, and then I drink some more.
I wake up amidst stale, empty beer bottles. I passed out on the sofa. My cheek is glued to the leather couch and I slowly peel myself off to sit up. My head is spinning, and my mouth tastes like death.
The bottles around me tell a story. I don’t usually drink this much. I don’t usually drink in response to upsetting news. I’m usually able to control my emotions.
Not this time.
I groan as I stand up, walking like a zombie towards the bathroom. I turn on the shower and as it heats up I brush my teeth. I undress and stand under the hot water without moving for an eternity. I open my mouth and try to wash the taste of toothpaste and beer out of my mouth.
Last night, my mind was a torrent of thoughts and emotions and today I’m completely empty. I’m numb. I can’t even string a coherent thought together. I’m on autopilot and I just let my body lead me. I get out of the shower, shave, get dressed. I head downstairs and get in the car. Before I know where I am, I’m back at the office. I was planning on taking a few days off, but the rest of the team will be back from their holidays and I have nowhere else to go. At least when I’m there I can try to forget about yesterday.
I ignore everyone as I make the long walk from the elevators to my office. I get in and close the door. I sit down and put my pounding head in my hands. I shouldn’t have drank that much. T
aking a deep breath, I turn on my computer. Before I can bring myself to focus on anything work-related, my door flies open. I hear Becca protest but Rosie stomps in anyways and slams the door behind her. She balls her fists and puts them down on the desk across from me, leaning towards me. Her eyes are shooting flames at me and her nostrils flare with every breath.
“How dare you,” she spits at me. I lean back. “How dare you abandon Harper like that. You fucking sack of shit!” Her voice is getting more and more strained.
“What are you talking about?”
“Oh fuck off, Zach. You’re a fucking piece of shit. You find out you got a girl pregnant, one that you’ve been spending every waking hour with, and the next thing you do is shut down and dump her off at her house by herself?!? She’s a fucking mess, Zach, and it’s your fault.”
Her chest is heaving and I can feel the anger hit me like a wall.
“I didn’t… I don’t..” I can’t answer her. I try to remember what happened yesterday but it’s a complete blur. My head is splitting.
“And the only thing you had to say to her,” Rosie stands up, pointing a finger at my chest. “The only fucking thing you had to say was to ask her if she was going to keep it?!?! You insensitive prick! I always thought you were an asshole and you’ve just proven me right. I thought maybe I had you wrong when I saw how happy Harper was but you’re the worst kind of man. You coward.” She spits the last word at me and without waiting for me to reply she spins around and walks out. My office door slams and I jump in my seat.
I sit back in my chair and bring my hands to my temples. My head is still pounding.
I asked her if she was going to keep it?? Slowly, the memory comes back to me. We were in the car, and I was staring at the sidewalk through the windshield. Rosie’s anger lifts a curtain of fog on my mind. She’s right. I’ve been an ass. Harper needed me and I abandoned her, and made her feel like it was all a mistake.
Oh God, I am a prick. Of course she wasn’t using me! Of course she wasn’t faking it! What was I thinking?! I spent all day and all night feeling sorry for myself and getting drunk off my ass and I just abandoned Harper. She’s pregnant and alone and probably thinks I hate her.
My heart drops. I have to fix this. With trembling hands I pick up my phone and dial her number. It goes straight to voicemail - she’s either turned her phone off or blocked my number. The panic starts rising in my throat as I realise what the past twelve hours must have been like for her. I stand up and grab my coat.
I need to see her. I need to fix this.
Chapter 34 - Harper
My whole body aches from tiredness and the raw emptiness after an emotional day. My eyes are almost swollen shut from crying so much yesterday. My whole face is puffy and blotchy.
I’ve hardly slept, tossing and turning all night. Rosie left this morning and now my apartment feels cold and empty. I don’t know what I’d do without her. Her rage and indignation when I told her about Zach’s reaction made me feel validated, but it also made the heartbreak that much more real. It’s not just me, it’s not in my head. He should have been better.
He should have been better, but he wasn’t. He isn’t the man I thought he was.
I open the fridge door and close it again. My stomach feels empty but I’m not hungry. It’s like my insides have been ripped out and all that’s left is a shell. I wander back to my bedroom and get under the covers. I avoid the bathroom. I don’t want to look at myself right now. Bed is the only place I want to be right now.
I wonder if I could have done anything different. If I could have reacted better. I shouldn’t have brought him into that doctor’s room. What was I thinking?! Am I seven years old?! Why did I need to bring another person with me! I’m a grown woman!! If he hadn’t been there I could have figured out a way to tell him that was better, gentler.
I sigh and turn onto my back, staring at the ceiling. Who am I kidding? If he had that much of a negative reaction, it probably doesn’t matter how I told him. Rosie’s voice echoes in my mind. She had her arms around me last night when she told me, He’s an a
ss, Harps. You’re better than him. If he doesn’t want to be a part of your child’s life then you will figure it out. You’re the strongest most determined person I know.
I’m sick of crying but I feel the tears prickling the corners of my eyes. I rub my eyes angrily. Maybe I am strong and determined but right now I just feel scared and alone and small. How can I go back to work?! How can I face him, knowing that I’m pregnant with his child and he wants nothing to do with me. How can I face the rest of the office?! There’ll be questions and I’m sure the truth will come out at some point.
I’ll be the laughingstock of the whole company. I’ll be ruined. All my hard work to get where I am, gone. It’s a small industry, I’m sure the news that Zach Lockwood knocked up one of his employees will travel far and fast.
My cheeks burn and I feel a deep sense of shame. I don’t know how to go on with my life now. I don’t know how to face the world, how to go to work, how to keep going knowing I’ll be raising a kid on my own. It doesn’t feel like a miracle baby right now.
My hand drifts to my stomach, like it has been every few minutes since I found out I was pregnant. What if none of it matters? It doesn’t matter what other people say, it doesn’t matter if Zach is an asshole, it doesn’t matter if my career has to change.
I’m pregnant.
I went through so much pain and heartbreak thinking it would never happen and now here I am, lamenting the fact that it did! I’m pregnant!
My heart beats harder and I sit up in bed. A smile creeps across my face for the first time since before I got the news. My head fills with images of tiny clothes, toys, holding my own child in my arms. Will it be a boy or a girl? What would I prefer? Either one is perfect, as long as it’s healthy. I smile. Now I get it, when people say that. I always thought it was something that people just said to be polite, but I get it. Whatever my child is, I’m going to love it more than I’ve ever loved anything before.
Knocked Up by the CEO Page 11
