Table of Contents
Title Page
Introduction
Ask Graham
Copyright
Introduction
If you are standing up while reading this, you might want to take a seat because I have some rather shocking news: this book is not about me! The stars of this handsome volume are the people who have written to me asking for advice over the last four years. If you’re not a reader of the Daily Telegraph on a Saturday then perhaps I should explain that the problems revealed here are universal: they involve love, betrayal and social embarrassment. They do, however, feature some words and phrases rather more than one might expect. Only a posh estate agent has seen the words ‘Aga’, ‘Cotswolds’ and ‘Waitrose’ as often as I have while I’ve been reading these cries for help. Don’t be fooled, though. Just because you’ll find no mention of ASBOs, Lidl or the etiquette of prison visits, it doesn’t mean these people feel no pain. These are genuine dilemmas written from the heart – with only the occasional correspondent who just needs reminding of what a very charmed life they lead.
Now on to the part that does concern me – the replies. When I went back over the columns, I was shocked to find how very certain I seem. I can assure you, this certainty is something I only manage to drum up once every two weeks for a couple of hours as I tackle readers’ problems. In my own life, I am as paralysed by doubt and insecurities as everyone else is.
The other thing that struck me was that, while I can dish it out, I don’t appear to be able to take it. It seems that there is no reader’s problem I can’t solve – yet it’s not a reader who isn’t coping so well with being nearly 50, living alone, who has an unhealthy obsession with his two very badly behaved dogs and who consumes a vast amount of white wine. That would be me. If that’s your problem, then don’t ask Graham!
So what is this book for? Well, I hope it might make you smile a little, perhaps shed a tiny light on whatever issues you might have and, if nothing else, make you feel better about your own life. Remember the old adage – a problem shared is gossip!
Graham Norton
Dear Graham,
I am worried that I am falling for my secretary. We work for a large law firm and often have to stay late. There has always been an undeniable chemistry between us. Last night, we got carried away and kissed, and it was as sensational as I had imagined.
None of this would be a problem if I wasn’t married. My colleagues would be suspicious if I sacked my secretary, as she is a brilliant worker. And there is no way I am going to leave my job because I have a promising future with the firm.
So how do we co-exist in such close proximity, knowing how we feel for each other? And what do I do about my marriage?
Henry W, Battersea
Dear Henry,
At first I felt very sorry for you. The situation you find yourself in isn’t entirely your fault and it’s very hard to know how to resolve it. However, when I re-read your letter, it struck me that all your concerns seem to relate to your job. It is only as you are signing off that you give your marriage a thought.
You are so focused on your career, I’m amazed that any awkward emotions managed to fight their way to the surface. In your strange corporate world, a passionate embrace becomes a misdemeanour. It seems you would have no problem with sacking this woman – it’s only the worry about what others might think that prevents you. Are you guilty, confused, excited or merely inconvenienced?
Your one saving grace is that you aren’t launching into an affair. This hints at some sort of decent human being.
Find out how your secretary is feeling. Explain that you want to protect your marriage. Perhaps you could help her find a new job? Colleagues will be less suspicious if she leaves of her own accord. If she is insistent she stays, or it becomes clear that her feelings are very strong, then you may have to confide in someone more senior at the firm and perhaps she could be moved.
Yes, people will talk, but better that they do it about something that didn’t happen than wait until things go further. As for your marriage, maybe your new secretary could carve some time out of your diary for you to spend with your wife. All work and no play makes Henry a cheating bastard.
Dear Graham,
I have a wonderful boyfriend I love very much, but he suffers from being too nice. A divorced colleague at his new job (she’s 40, he’s 26) recently asked him if he would like to accompany her and her 12-year-old son to a golfing range. Being the nice guy he is, he said yes.
He tells me he has no intention of going and felt that he couldn’t say no, but I am furious that (a) he doesn’t realise she probably sees this as a date and (b) he would rather hurt my feelings than those of a relative stranger.
Am I overreacting?
Abby L, Lincolnshire
Your boyfriend is weak and you shouldn’t dress it up because you love him.
Dear Abby,
It isn’t so much that you are overreacting, it’s more a case of having the wrong reaction. How has your boyfriend hurt your feelings? Was this the dream date you’ve always wanted to go on? Are you jealous that the 40-year-old divorcée didn’t ask you out?
Whatever the colleague thinks, this is clearly not a date, so what on earth has it got to do with you? Consider for a moment that your boyfriend mentioned in the office that he liked golf. This woman thought how nice it would be for her son to have a game with a man because he doesn’t get to see his dad so much any more. Now who’s the monstrous cow?
What you should be upset about is that your boyfriend, whom you describe as ‘too nice’, is now saying he has no intention of going. Define ‘too’ nice. Backing out of plans with a friend is one thing, but when those plans involve a child I don’t think the word ‘nice’ needs to be bandied about too much. Your boyfriend is weak and you shouldn’t dress it up because you love him.
Force him to go on this non-date. A day involving a recently divorced woman, a child and golf must come pretty close to a working definition of hell. Maybe next time he’ll grow a backbone, say no to unwelcome invitations and tell whining girlfriends who think the world revolves around them to shut up.
Dear Graham,
Can you give me some tips on flirting? I have recently become attracted to a man at work and would like to make him aware of the fact, but in a subtle way. I have never had a boyfriend (I am 26), but now I’ve met this lovely man I want to wow him with my latent animal magnetism. I tried flicking my hair once, but it got caught on his suit button and we became a bit tangled – leaving me beetroot-faced and him a little scared. Is there any advice you can give me?
Penny L, London
Dear Penny,
You are attempting to flirt with a man, so subtlety is not a quality you need. Wear lower tops and laugh at his jokes. My work here is done.
Dear Graham,
I have a wonderful, clever, handsome husband who is also kind, affectionate and supportive. The only problem is that he has very little interest in sex. It is always me who instigates things, and most of the time he makes excuses. I have tried all the usual tricks – plunging necklines, high heels, expensive lingerie – to no avail. Despite the fact that we are both fit, healthy and in our early thirties, we have sex only about once a month (if I’m lucky).
My friends assure me that I’m attractive, but I struggle daily with my rising feelings of panic, misery and self-doubt. I’ve tried talking to him about the problem, but he gets cross and tells me I’m inventing difficulties that aren’t there. He is so persuasive that sometimes I almost think that the problem is not his lack of ardour, but my high expectations.
Should I resign myself to sexual frustration, but feel thankful for all the other lovely things he brings? Or am I on a rollercoaster to self-delusion and heartbreak?
Minna R, London
Dear Minna,
Aren’t relationships rubbish? They are never exactly the way we want them to be, and there must be many people reading your ‘problem’ who are dreaming of the day they can go to bed without the dread of grubby paws inching across a well-washed duvet.
Your description of your husband is so gushing and uncritical that it sounds to me as if you have been trying for some time to convince yourself that the situation isn’t as dire as it actually is. He’s a man in his thirties – something must be wrong. I wonder: was the sex ever that good? If it was, maybe you could try talking about specific times and attempt to remember how you were both feeling at that time.
At the risk of sounding like the scatological professor on You Are What You Eat, there could be clues in his diet. Is he eating lots of heavy red meat and drinking quite a bit? I’ve noticed that when I’m hungry, I’m really hungry, if you get my drift. My friend Stephan swears by raw ginger.
The trouble with working on your sexual relations is that it sounds as if it will only make matters worse for your husband. Maybe you should wait until you are on holiday, without your normal day-to-day stresses and see where an application of sun-tan oil might lead.
I have to admit, though, that at the end of the day a rather large, lazy part of me wants to suggest that you simply focus on what is working in the relationship and invest in battery-powered bliss. But be strong – we mustn’t give in too easily.
Dear Graham,
A friend has recently snaffled an eligible young man. While I am happy for her, I am curious as to how the relationship is developing. When it comes to talking about men, however, she is a closed book, and will only reveal information under pain of death or buckets of wine. I feel it is my right to know the gory details as I introduced them. But short of giving her liver failure, I don’t know how to go about it.
Should I employ a private detective, or stalk them myself? I can’t understand her reticence. I happily divulge everything to my friends.
Jemima V, Primrose Hill
“I would suggest that you are nuts. A loon. A Sense and Sensibility short of a complete set of Jane Austen novels.”
Dear Jemima,
I’m not a trained counsellor – so I’m not sure if I’m using the correct vocabulary – but, as an interested amateur, I would suggest that you are nuts. A loon. A Sense and Sensibility short of a complete set of Jane Austen novels. Please re-read your letter. Do you understand how creepy it sounds? Why do your friends owe you graphic descriptions of their love lives just because you don’t have one? The shock is that your friends are still speaking to you at all. Jemima, get a life! Your own!
Dear Graham,
A few months ago I met an amazing Californian at a dinner party. Things took off quickly and he now wants me to move to San Francisco. But the thought of giving up my job and being so far away from my family and friends is awful. San Fran isn’t New York – it’s much further away – and I’m scared I’ll be lonely there.
My boyfriend doesn’t want to live in England and is tied to San Francisco, where he works as an attorney. He’s a typical bloke: work-oriented, independent and lazy about keeping up with friends. His parents live in Florida and he doesn’t get on with his sisters, so I know I won’t have much of a support network.
I am 35 and was single for years before I met him. I don’t want to lose him, but the thought of moving lock, stock and barrel to the US terrifies me.
What should I do?
Nadine T, London
PS My mother, by the way, thinks he should ask me to marry him first.
“Transatlantic relationships always seem to end when the Atlantic is removed.”
Dear Nadine,
Being single for years does something to the mind and heart. I imagine that any man showing you, at 35, the least bit of affection would provoke a feeling not dissimilar to what the passengers on the Titanic felt as they rushed for the last lifeboat.
You need to calm down and ignore the huge looming iceberg of singledom. The issue of San Francisco being further away than New York shouldn’t really be what you are focusing on. He doesn’t get on with his family? So what? You only met this man a few months ago. If he lived on the other side of London, would you be moving in with him?
If you can truthfully answer ‘yes’ to that question, then I would encourage you to follow your heart and buy into a new life – now with added adventure! If you have any doubts, even the smallest degree of unease – and I’m sensing you do – then you must wait and see what happens to your long-distance love affair.
I’ve had transatlantic relationships and they always seem to end when the Atlantic is removed. There was an article in Cosmopolitan once called something like ‘Living apart to stay together – how distance can bring you closer.’
Enjoy what you have and ignore your mother. Doesn’t she know that you should never marry an attorney?
Dear Graham,
I am a 35-year-old single man, born and brought up in Birmingham. Both my parents emigrated from Goa in the 1960s, and ours is a very close and loving family. My three sisters are happily married to British Indians, whom they met through the wider Indian community here (their marriages were not, strictly speaking, ‘arranged’). My parents, who are Catholic, are desperate for me to get married, and my mother is furious at my repeated refusals to follow up on all the lovely girls she regularly introduces me to. My unenthusiastic response to her latest candidate, a pretty and charming eye doctor, has particularly incensed her as she has glaucoma. The problem is: I am gay.
Rajiv, Birmingham
Dear Rajiv,
What a long and detailed letter for a dilemma that is very simple indeed. You claim that the problem is that you are gay. No it isn’t. The problem is that your parents don’t know that you’re gay. Your choices are very clear. If you want the nagging to stop, you have to tell your mother that no woman will ever be good enough, or face the prospect of walking down the aisle with one of them. Coming out is never easy, no matter what culture you have grown up in, but you are 35 years old and live in an urban area. Everyone deserves to live with the truth: your parents, the poor women being paraded in front of you and, most of all, yourself. Good luck.
Dear Graham,
My girlfriend is about to move in with me and, although I love her, the prospect fills me with dread. Living alone in my bachelor pad (plasma TV, huge squashy sofas, state-of-the-art CD player), I have become quite stuck in my ways. I know how hard it is going to be for me to adjust to having a woman around.
I am very particular about mess, and she has already started leaving her clothes everywhere – not to mention leaving the top off the toothpaste – when she stays over. To cap it all, she now calls me ‘darling’ in front of my friends. How do I go about mentally adjusting myself to this next big step?
Mark P, Bath
“Be a man, Mark. We all like to have things our own way, but videos in alphabetical order won’t kiss you goodnight and make a pot of fresh coffee on a Sunday morning.”
Dear Mark,
Please read your letter again. Could you sound any more gay? A woman you claim to love is going to be snuggling up with you on your huge squashy sofa watching your plasma TV and looking into your eyes as Coldplay dribbles out of your CD player – that should be a good thing.
What isn’t good is that you are taking this step with someone that you can’t even discuss your toothpaste etiquette with.
Don’t seethe in silence. No relationship will ever be exactly the way you want it, so the best way forward is to broker a deal. She will put the top back on the toothpaste, but you’ll let her dump her clothes on the floor as long as she clears them up before she goes to work.
Tell her about your aversion to the word ‘darling’, and maybe, while you are at it, tell her you have started to use the word ‘dread’. You owe it to your girlfriend, and your relationship, to let her know all your reservations before you make this b
ig step.
On the plus side, presumably you will both be better off, so why not keep a track of those savings and use them for fun things you can do together outside the house – nice dinners, or even weekend breaks or holidays?
Be a man, Mark. We all like to have things our own way, but videos in alphabetical order won’t kiss you goodnight and make a pot of fresh coffee on a Sunday morning.
Dear Graham,
Despite being happily married with two small children and living in the countryside, I have an insatiable urge to maintain the party lifestyle I led in my London days. My husband’s urge, on the other hand, is to stay at home and watch Newsnight with a cup of cocoa. This leads to me hotfooting it on the train to Paddington – large G and T in hand – sans cocoa-lover, to paint the town red. While I have a fantastic time, I would, of course, prefer him to come with me. How do I resolve the situation?
Louisa T, Wiltshire
Dear Louisa,
Life, it seems to me, is about choices. You chose to get married, move to the country and have two children. While this doesn’t necessarily preclude the odd trip up to the Big Smoke, it does mean that a weekly whirl of dinner parties and charity galas is no longer a realistic part of the equation. You can’t have your cake and eat it because you ordered a thick slice of organic wholemeal bread.
You say you’d prefer your husband to come with you, but surely what you are really saying is that you’d like to be married to a man who enjoys parties. If your husband did accompany you on one of your London nights, you’d both have a miserable time.
Ask Graham Page 1
