I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through. To say goodbye to the possibility of having a baby must be heartbreaking; however, if you do decide to have a baby within a loveless marriage, surely you are being supremely selfish. Once you have a child, it stops being about you and becomes about the new person you have created.
I don’t think the word ‘deceitful’ quite does justice to your plan. You are asking him to give up the possibility of having a full and loving life with someone who truly values him just so that your selfish needs can be met. Your biological clock is obviously ticking so loudly that you can’t hear the voice of reason. Better that you are a bit unhappy than you make two other lives miserable.
Are you willing to raise a child by yourself? Sperm isn’t hard to come by so the possibility of motherhood is still there. When I hear women of your age talking about wanting a baby, I often wonder, well, why don’t they? Sometimes I hear myself telling people that I wish I could play the piano, but, if I really, truly wanted to play, wouldn’t I have learned by now?
Dear Graham,
I got divorced a couple of years ago and to my surprise have found it easy to meet attractive, unattached women. It seems that, thanks to a demographic blip, the pond is full to bursting with alluring female fish. What’s changed since I got married fresh out of university is that women in my age group (35+) are all very experienced and tend to have a well-honed ‘bag of tricks’. It makes everything rather intimidating and, frankly, not very romantic. Short of swinging from the chandeliers, things could hardly be more athletic.
It’s so difficult to talk about sex. Even outwardly confident women go rather quiet and spaniel-eyed if you say anything that could be interpreted as even vaguely critical. How do you tell a girlfriend to be herself rather than try to score Olympic golds in the bedroom without hurting her feelings?
Simon S, Manchester
How do you tell a girl to be herself rather than try to score Olympic golds in the bedroom?
Dear Simon,
Bless you. All you want are romantic cuddles and cups of tea as the sun streams through the ivy-framed bedroom window. Or could it be that you are a selfish and lazy lover who doesn’t like to feel pressured into making an effort?
I can’t believe that, after the initial erotic flag-waving, things with a girlfriend don’t settle down into a comforting pattern of passion and intimacy with no one feeling that their performance is part of a sweaty job application. Perhaps, beyond being a passive lump, you just don’t enjoy sex that much. If this is the case, then it’s unfair of you to be with women who quite frankly sound like they think Footballers’ Wives is a documentary.
There must be ladies out there who will find it a relief that a brief spurt of the missionary position once a week will suffice. Hang around Blockbuster and any woman who checks out Cold Mountain or The Notebook will be happy to sit on a beach in winter drinking Cup-a-Soup.
Swinging on chandeliers and abseiling off wardrobes are all very well once in a while, but a bit like Big Brother – you don’t want it every night of the week.
Dear Graham,
When I discovered my husband had been having an affair I was devastated. He has now ended it, but I find it very hard to forgive him. He is making a huge effort to be the wonderful man I married, but I’ve gone from feeling totally numb with shock to being resentful and angry. It’s really hard for me to keep a lid on things and I hate myself when we fight in front of the children. There are days when I just want to do something vengeful. Go to a bar and pick someone up, for example.
Whenever we’re in bed together, I find myself thinking about her. What did she look like? Was she more adventurous? I don’t want my marriage to end but I’d so value your advice. I’m in my mid-thirties.
Jessica K, Reading
“Stay on the moral high ground – it’s much easier to swing a baseball bat from there.”
Dear Jessica,
This is one of the most difficult situations to deal with in any relationship. The thing to remember is that you can’t turn the clock back and it sounds like that is what your husband is trying to do.
Things will never be the same again and your marriage must somehow learn how to incorporate the hurt, the guilt and the betrayal. It sounds simplistic, but I think the only thing that truly helps is time. When a wound becomes a scar, we still know a bad thing happened, but it somehow becomes part of our personal history and not an immediate source of pain.
If the two of you stay together, then, as the months slip by, you can begin to appreciate that your husband chose you over the affair. It doesn’t matter if she was more exciting or had a bosom like two Pope’s hats because he is in bed with you not her.
Forgiveness can’t be given overnight and trust has to be earned but the memory of surviving this skirmish as part of your shared history may eventually make your marriage stronger. Of course, the downside, which cannot be ignored, is that maybe you married a philandering fool and would be wiser to go your separate ways.
If, after several months, you still find it impossible to move on, then seek professional help. Whatever you do, fight all the urges you have to pick up a stranger in a bar. Stay on the moral high ground – it’s much easier to swing a baseball bat from there.
Dear Graham,
I own a romantic old farmhouse north of Perpignan. Every summer I am ambushed by friends who, for lack of other holiday plans, descend on me. It is always the same routine. They ring up, schmooze me energetically, then invite themselves.
None of these waifs and strays ever hires cars, all need collecting and dropping off at airports, and no one ever shows any inclination to either shop or cook.
I now get them to contribute to a kitty but it always seems to be empty.
I inevitably spend a large part of the summer feeling like an unpaid taxi service/caterer.
My husband blames Ryanair and easyJet and is overjoyed at the news that the no-frills airlines might be cutting back on some of their routes, even though it will, of course, affect our own travel plans.
I don’t mind short visits but what I dread is guests who overstay their welcome. How can I (politely) get friends to move on?
Charlotte N, Perpignan/Kent
Dear Charlotte,
This isn’t rocket science. Toughen up and tell a few lies.
It’s great that you have friends who want to come and stay, but you need to limit their options. Tell people that you have other guests arriving soon and that you only have room for three days. Ask them if they are renting a car or if they would like the number of a cab company. Don’t offer to drive unless you don’t mind.
Because this sort of selfish behaviour is so simple to shut down, I wonder whether, over the years, there hasn’t been a small part of you that has enjoyed playing the victim. Obviously, the thrill has now worn off and it’s time to get tough.
What’s the worst that will happen? They won’t come. End of story.
In the future, think very carefully before you send postcards bearing the legend ‘wish you were here’.
Dear Graham,
How do you break the news to a girl that you don’t fancy her? I keep getting invited to dinners and parties by a girl I met on holiday, but, although I like her, I’m not interested in her romantically. We’ve been out a couple of times, but they haven’t been ‘dates’ as far as I’m concerned, just casual evenings at the cinema with a quick pint afterwards. It only dawned on me that she might be keen when a male friend pointed it out. Now I realise that she does hang on my every word and seems to be a bit overdressed and over-attentive when I see her.
How do I go about letting her down gently?
Luke S, Cornwall
Dear Luke,
You don’t because you can’t. No one likes to be told they aren’t attractive. If Ann Widdecombe told George Clooney she wasn’t interested, he might not burst into tears but he’d still feel a little less fabulous.
You seem like a nice – if slightly dopey – guy, so accept
that she will be hurt but construct a situation where she can hold on to her dignity. If she is just a friend, then treat her like a friend. Ask her if she has met any guys lately or comment on how some other woman is your type. Be clear that you think of other women in a sexual way, but not her. Eggy, I know, but she will get the message and should be able to hold it together until she gets home and sobs in front of one of those late-night ITV quizzes where she is sure that the missing word after door is knob.
Whatever happens, don’t acknowledge her feelings for you and you might manage to be friends, rather than someone you bump into and then act like you owe them money. Do all of this quickly because any minute now she might crack and confess her feelings to you. Then you’ll sleep with her so as not to hurt her feelings.
She’ll never hear from you again, become distraught then angry, shave her head and become a nun or a lesbian, or a lesbian nun. Be very careful.
Dear Graham,
My boyfriend has suddenly announced – completely out of the blue – that he’s planning to cross the Andes on horseback over Christmas, before travelling up to the Atacama desert for New Year. He is taking three university friends with him. When I told him how upset I was, he said he’d been planning it for over a year (we’ve been going out for eight months) and it wasn’t ‘a girlfriendy sort of holiday’ as no couples are going.
Two of his friends are female and unattached. While I trust him completely, I do mind that he’s going off without me and never thought to discuss it with me first. I am now facing a bleak family Christmas in the Brecon Beacons, where I’ll probably be the only single person for miles.
Whenever I bring up the subject (I try not to sound bitter), he accuses me of being ‘possessive’ and ‘unreasonable’. Am I?
Gillian C, Lincs
Dear Gillian,
I feel as if you’ve missed what is really going on here. You’re so fixated on how much better Christmas in the Atacama desert will be compared to Wales that you have failed to notice that your boyfriend is essentially dumping you.
Grab some Kleenex and let me explain. He started planning this trip a year ago. He started dating you eight months ago and failed to mention his plans. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that he never imagined that he would still be dating you by the time the trip took place.
For some reason, he simply hasn’t got around to splitting up with you, presumably because he was so busy planning a special holiday without you.
Given that you are this upset about not being included in his travel plans, I’m guessing he is simply avoiding the screaming hysteria that will follow the old heave-ho.
Sorry to be the bearer of such bad news, but, on the plus side, you have just got rid of a man who thinks it’ll be fun spending New Year’s Eve in the middle of a desert with some dreary people he went to university with.
Gillian, you can do better. Frankly, you could only do better.
Dear Graham,
I am being pursued by a man I don’t fancy at all and never will. He bombards me with dinner invitations, sends me flirtatious texts and appears to be too thick-skinned to read my negative signals.
The first time I met him (at a family christening), I made the fatal mistake of agreeing to go out for dinner with him. We were supposed to meet in a restaurant but, at the last minute, he changed the venue to his house, saying he felt like cooking. The evening was a nightmare: he made lecherous overtures and I couldn’t get away soon enough. The problem is that he’s the older brother of my sister-in-law.
Any ideas on how to send him packing while preserving family harmony?
Ella C, Norfolk
“Like Jude Law’s career, he will soon fade away.”
Dear Ella,
Rest assured, you have done nothing wrong – apart from live in Norfolk, but let’s not go down that road. The normal escape route from your situation, telling him that you are dating someone else, won’t work here. Your lies will be found out because of the family connection.
Your brother may not want to find out that he is married to the sister of a man with all the charm and personality of wet wool, but he should be your first port of call. Explain the situation to him or, if you are close to your sister-in-law, describe your predicament to her. Don’t be too harsh on the brother. Explain that you are flattered, of course, but that you are not in the right mindset at the moment – anything that doesn’t make him sound like a man who steals panties from washing lines.
Be prepared for the reaction when his sister or brother-in-law has a quiet word with him. He will feel humiliated and will doubtless lash out and try to blame you. Don’t overreact. Like Jude Law’s career, he will soon fade away. You may never be great friends with this man, but do you really care?
Please learn an important lesson from this experience: don’t accept dates at funerals, weddings or christenings. If someone finds you attractive in a hat, there is something wrong with them.
Dear Graham,
Having spent an enormous amount of money buying a new house, I have discovered that I appear to be living opposite a bordello.
On most evenings red fairy lights festoon the upper floors, taxis pull up and a succession of businessmen troop out, looking distinctly shifty.
I feel strongly that it lowers the tone of the neighbourhood. And as a man in his mid-forties, with neither a girlfriend nor a wife, I fear that in some way I might be implicated. How liberal should one be? I don’t want to deprive the girls of their livelihood but, having lived most of my life in Godalming, I’m not used to this sort of thing.
Guy U, west London
Dear Guy,
Pull your curtains and get on with your life. Obsessing about every car that slows down will drive you insane.
I’m fairly sure your neighbours won’t think you bought your house for the local amenities. I live next door to a pub but people accept that isn’t the sole reason I purchased the house.
Have you discussed your fears with others on the street? Perhaps there’s some other explanation – the house is populated by beauty therapists specialising in heavy-duty waxing? They run doggy day care? If you’d all like it shut down, presumably you can make that happen. People aren’t allowed to just start running a business in a residential property.
Nothing unites a community quite like the disapproval of a neighbour. You’ll probably make lots of friends and, before you know it, you’ll be posting leaflets through doors demanding an end to the tyranny of wheelie bins.
One final tip – be very careful what Christmas decorations you put up. Use the wrong coloured lights and you may run out of mulled wine faster than you expect.
Dear Graham
I grew up on a farm on the west coast of Ireland and have just moved to London. My flatmates, whom I met through a website, are frighteningly trendy and party every night. My job in customer care is soul-destroying because people are always rude to me and I often come home in tears. I find the city scary, especially at night, and I am constantly getting lost.
Although I’m lonely and desperately homesick, I am loath to admit this to my parents and friends back home for fear of sounding pathetic, so I pretend that everything is OK and that I am forging a successful career in the bright lights. How can I learn to love London as all Londoners seem to? I don’t want to return home a failure.
Niamh D, Ealing
Dear Niamh,
Hang on. Don’t leave London defeated or it will haunt you for the rest of your life. You haven’t been living in the capital long and it does take a while to crack. The trick is to find the London that’s right for you. The place is so huge that when one first arrives it is easy to get sucked into a world of nightclubs, guest lists and designer shops, or at least start to believe such things are all-important.
In this respect I imagine your trendy flatmates are only making matters worse. Not enjoying those things doesn’t mean you don’t like London. There is a group or organisation for every taste and every interest. Even if it is as simp
le as wanting to meet others who are from rural Ireland, you’ll find them in London if you look hard enough.
Go on walking tours, sit on that open-top bus, get to know the capital. Don’t sneak glances at it from behind corners, embrace it.
Also try to remember why you wanted to leave where you grew up. Could it be that because you are feeling low you now see home through emerald-coloured glasses? The cows aren’t going anywhere; if you want to run home and roll in manure you can. But what’s the rush? In the end you have to give London time – there are no shortcuts. But when you eventually get to the heart of this amazing city you’ll be so glad you did.
Dear Graham,
I am a single woman and recently ‘met’ a charming, funny man through an online dating chatroom. We get on really well, spend hours chatting and never run out of things to say. Romance has blossomed fast; we are always ‘HH’ (chat-room terminology for ‘holding hands’) and signing off ‘KOTL’ (‘kiss on the lips’). He described himself as 27, tall, dark and mysterious-looking. I described myself as a 24-year-old blonde, size 8, with a successful job. In reality, I am 30, size 16, have frizzy hair and work for a charity. He is keen for us to meet, but I am terrified he will be disappointed. What shall I do? Is it too late for a cosmetic and lifestyle overhaul?
Helen T, Hackney
Dear Helen,
You say you are terrified that this man might be disappointed. Trust me, he will be. You may work for a charity, but he doesn’t. Why would he continue to be attracted to a woman who, far more importantly than being frizzy-haired instead of blonde, is a big fat liar? Imagine how you would feel if he had told similar lies to you.
I’m guessing he has been involved in the world of computer-dating for a bit longer than you. The way he describes himself sounds great at first glance, but what has he actually told you? That description could cover anyone from Antonio Banderas to Osama Bin Laden. I don’t mean to be cynical but ‘mysterious-looking’ suggests that you can’t figure out if that’s his ear or his nose.
Ask Graham Page 3
