For me, there is only one real deal-breaker. Does being with the person in question mean that you cut good friends out of your life or alter the food you eat, the movies you watch, the music you listen to?
Never lose yourself in a partner because ultimately we are all alone. I think the very best we can hope for from the people we choose to spend our lives with is that, when we are with them, we feel like a better version of ourselves, not an edited highlights package.
It’s a new year, Penny – make it the year you become happy in your own company and others will surely follow.
Dear Graham,
On my birthday I received a card and letter from a girlfriend whom I split up with 30 years ago. In her letter, she explained how I had been the love of her life, why she thought our relationship of nine months had ended and how her life had been miserable since then. I have no wish to have anything to do with her, but am at a loss as to how to respond. Do I ignore it, or write and explain that it is a part of my life I would prefer to forget?
Tony O, Chippenham
Dear Tony,
Don’t pretend – you are thrilled to have received this letter. Your concern suggests that you think these are the thoughts of a well-adjusted human being. I can imagine you reading it aloud to anyone who will listen. Of course this woman wasn’t able to get over you for 30 years. Who could blame her?
Don’t flatter yourself. Clearly this letter has nothing to do with you. The writer is deeply unhappy and, in her desperate search for joy, she has recalled a time in her life when she wasn’t quite so miserable. You could ignore it, but that seems rude.
Why not send a short reply saying that you are very flattered and that you remember that time fondly? Explain that you would prefer not to meet up because you will have both changed so much it could destroy your precious memories.
Of course, we could both have got this wrong. Maybe she has sent this letter to every guy she ever dated in the hopes of getting a ‘for old times’ sake’ shag. I’ve heard of worse ideas.
Dear Graham,
I’m dreading my summer holiday in Rhodes this year. I’m overweight and feel the problem is so bad that I’m beyond help. I refuse to let my husband see me naked so you can imagine how I feel about hitting the beach in a bikini. Sometimes I envy those Arab women in their burkas, able to cover up all their wobbly bits.
When I was younger I had a lovely slender figure, but since I’ve had three children the pounds have piled on. I’m also plagued with nasty thread veins and very bad cellulite. I hate hospitals so liposuction is out of the question and it’s too late for Weight Watchers (we leave in two weeks’ time). Although I’ve been frantically scrubbing my legs with one of those prickly loofahs, they’re just as bumpy as ever.
I’m not dangerously fat – only a size 16 – but my confidence is really low at the moment. Beach life is the last thing I feel like, but it’s too late to change our holiday. Tell me what I should do.
Stella P, North Yorkshire
Dear Stella,
I understand how much you must be dreading your holiday. In your mind lurks that woman in a bikini who advertises every bottle of sun protection, every flight and every hotel. The good news is that she is busy modelling for ads – she won’t be there.
The beaches will be packed with women like you with a variety of imperfect lumps and limbs. The beach is a great leveller – I refer you to every cover of Heat magazine. Learn to love the body you have because I’m not really getting the impression that you want to change. Someone who was really unhappy would be taking more serious measures than waving a loofah at the problem.
Let it go and have a great holiday.
Dear Graham,
I have appalling taste in men. I’ve lost count of the number of bounders, rotters and good-for-nothings I’ve dated over the years. One boyfriend abandoned me at midnight at Lagos airport (he snaffled the last seat on an outbound plane). Another dumped me at my own birthday party, then spent the night with my former best friend. Now that I’ve reached the grand old age of 32 I’m absolutely determined to pick a solid, loving, dependable type, who will father my children and love me even when I’m grizzled and hoary.
There are still quite a few decent men out there, but the problem is I never fancy them. Torn between a weekend hill walking in Wales with a nice, normal guy and an illicit, no-strings weekend in Paris with a man who will never hold my hand in public, it’s a no-brainer. I can never resist the charm of the cad. How do I go about rewiring my brain before it’s too late and my eggs dry up?
Minna D, Essex
Dear Minna,
Excuse me while I pop on a wig, slip into a fat suit and go all Oprah on you. This has nothing to do with men and everything to do with you. For some reason you think that these rubbish boyfriends are all you deserve. Or perhaps you have fallen into the trap of believing that, because these cut-price Colin Farrells are so miserly with their affection, the little bit they bestow on you is somehow worth more than the straightforward generous love of a decent man.
True, the bounders and rotters can be exciting, but the sad truth is that, as you are 32, they will probably quit before you get a chance to outgrow them.
There is a series of questions you must ask yourself. Why do you apparently enjoy being unhappy? What is the reason you crave drama? What makes you smart enough to spot a pattern but too stupid to stop it?
Kate Moss is a supermodel and even she’s managed it. I understand the attraction you feel, but I beg you to try to break the cycle before you end up doing a photo-shoot in OK! with Darren Day.
Dear Graham,
Over the past year I’ve met a lot of new single people and we’ve become quite a gang. I’ve grown close to several of them and it feels like it’s more than just a new crowd of party people. I really value them because, until I met this lot, life was quite quiet. All my old friends are married with kids.
Very gradually I’ve fallen for one of the chaps. I let myself think that it might even come to something, though I don’t have much confidence in that department. He was very tactile, always sitting close and putting his arm around me, to the extent that other friends were wondering what was going on. So the other day I declared myself. Reaction: total surprise.
He was charming about it, saying he was flattered but the spark wasn’t there for him, though he thought I was wonderful. I’m very upset as I had allowed myself some ridiculous projections into the future. Still, I’m a seasoned enough campaigner to know I’ve got to move on and I’m already doing well on that front.
What worries me more is how I could have got it so wrong. What am I missing? I thought that if a chap sits or stands close, strokes my hair and rubs my shoulders as we chat to friends, it’s a sign that he’s interested. Is that a normal way for ‘mates’ to behave? How can I do better next time?
Ada (40), London
Dear Ada,
You are 40 and the great thing about getting a little bit is older is that we learn nothing. The only thing age teaches us is new ways for our heart and loins to humiliate us. While some man is shifting uncomfortably and assuring you he is very flattered, this, of course, is scant comfort. But wouldn’t you rather let your heart be a ping-pong ball in an under-15s amateur tournament than always be certain of the emotional outcome?
You did nothing wrong and you can do nothing better next time. Who knows what was going on with Mr Touchy-Feely? Maybe he was trying to pluck up courage. Perhaps he was making a point to someone else in the group. Maybe he’s gay. The point is, if we choose to, we can imagine that a bowl of soup fancies us. ‘Oh the steam was blowing towards my face. When I put my spoon in the bowl the soup lapped right to the edge.’
Don’t be put off by this knock-back, Ada. The heart is the Jordan of the human body – fearless, resilient and stupid.
Dear Graham,
My boyfriend and I are planning our first holiday and can’t agree on what to do. I’ve had a juicy invitation to Italy from friends who have h
ired a fabulous villa in Ravello overlooking the sea, but he doesn’t want to go. He says our first holiday should be ‘just us’.
My worry is that, if we spend an entire week alone together, we might not get on. It’s so much easier to sparkle when there are other people to perform for, don’t you think? It is also more expensive doing the hotel option than sharing a villa with friends, and we are bound to end up somewhere grim.
How do I persuade him to change his mind?
Tara W, Hemel Hempstead
Dear Tara,
This isn’t really about a holiday, is it? I fear your tan will last longer than your relationship. I admit that your option does sound a lot more fun, but it is sweet that he wants to spend time alone with you.
Even before you’ve stepped on a plane, I suspect you two are in very different places. It sounds as if he wants a girlfriend he can gaze at on a candlelit terrace marvelling at her skin and the way a gentle breeze has caught her hair – while you are still looking for a boyfriend to hold your drink while you go to the loo.
Changing his mind won’t help. Even if he agrees to the villa, he’ll hate it. Far better to delay your first holiday together until you are coming from the same place. If you ignore me, remember this: pack your clothes in separate suitcases, because the chance of you travelling home together is slimmer than Calista Flockhart.
Dear Graham,
The vanity of the young shocks and saddens me. My pretty 31-year-old daughter is obsessed with her appearance to an unnatural degree, as are most of her contemporaries. She doesn’t have anorexia, but she calorie-counts obsessively, behaves as though the world is coming to an end if she spots a grey hair and spends a fortune on clothes, beauty treatments and hair salons.
Every aspect of her appearance upsets her. I hate to think of the money-grabbing cranks, facialists, pedicurists and Botox practitioners who have built careers on my only child’s multiple neuroses. I know she is upset about being single – I suspect this is what drives her into beauty salons – but I worry that focusing on her appearance in such an obsessive, shallow way, rather than developing lively interests that engage others, puts men off.
How can I convince her that she’s lovely as she is?
Katherine M, Suffolk
“Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but that also holds true for the person looking in the mirror.”
Dear Katherine,
You can’t. Simple as that. Your daughter is 31, and if nothing you’ve said or done up to this point has had any effect, I doubt you will stumble upon a magic spell now.
I hope you aren’t trying to make amends for any parenting mistakes you may have made earlier. Many a mother has crushed a daughter for ever with a thoughtless ‘not with your skin’ comment or a throwaway reference to ‘thin hair like yours’.
I understand that it must be miserable to sit back and watch your adult child stumbling through life where once you could have rushed in and swept her into your arms to protect her from the corner of the table or the pan of hot milk, but it must be done.
Flatter your daughter as much as you want, but, until she believes that she’s beautiful as she is, then the trips to the salon and beyond will continue. Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but that also holds true for the person looking in the mirror.
Maybe she should have a couple of drinks before she does her make-up – it works for me.
Dear Graham,
My brother recently let me know – I think by accident – that he and his wife, who is heavily into genealogy, regularly record telephone calls without informing people that they are doing so. When I asked why they found it necessary, my brother became angry and defensive.
I now strongly suspect that they also record face-to-face conversations. This thought has made me very wary of talking freely to them and I wonder if I should be sharing my suspicions.
Should I tell my other siblings that these recordings are being made and give them the chance to modify what they say? Or should I remain quiet?
Fred O (no address supplied)
Dear Fred,
I can only imagine what an interesting life you lead that your brother and his wife want to record every word you utter in their presence. Your brother isn’t Tony Benn by any chance, is he? Granted, their behaviour is odd but, unless you are a master criminal or working undercover for MI5, I really can’t see why you or anyone else should worry. They can tape away to their hearts’ content, but who on earth is going to listen to it? A slide show of holiday photos from a month in Utrecht couldn’t be more boring than listening to phone calls about the window cleaner not showing up, or what one should get the children for Christmas.
Maybe you should have a kind word with your sibling and explain that ‘Big Brother’ is just an expression and not a description of the duties of the first-born son.
Dear Graham,
I know it sounds bad, but I absolutely hate my stepmother. My dad married her two years ago, but they have been together for five years. Because I live with my dad (who is a great guy), I have to live with her, too. She is a total witch and finds any excuse to blame me and shout at both me and my sister.
What makes it worse is that my dad doesn’t seem to notice how she treats us. He is often out of the house when she’s having a go at us. How can I tell him what she is doing without him hating me for it?
Jemma M, Surrey
Dear Jemma,
You don’t tell me how old you are, but I’m guessing you are getting a harsh lesson in life far too early. It turns out that some things that seem very straightforward, such as love and loyalty, turn out to be very complicated. Just as you can hate your stepmother and love your father, so he can love both of you at the same time.
Trust me, your dad knows all about the tensions between you and his new wife. He is simply choosing to ignore them. If you confront him, he won’t hate you but he might get annoyed or even angry, because you have forced him to acknowledge the situation.
I think you need to ask yourself what you want him to do. Surely it makes more sense to try to find some way of getting on with your stepmother, since it doesn’t look like she’s going anywhere fast. Try being nice to her. Remember she, too, is bound to find all of this very difficult.
You seem articulate, so I’m sure you could sit down and talk things through, so long as you make it clear that you aren’t attacking her. I doubt the situation will ever be ideal, but if you all admit that to each other then I think it will make it at least bearable.
If nothing improves, perhaps ask to speak to a counsellor through your school or college. I’m sure he or she will be able to help you more than me. I’m guessing from the number of times the words ‘evil’ and ‘stepmother’ have appeared together in myths and legends over the years that this situation has never been very easy. Good luck.
Dear Graham,
I’m a grandfather (and theatre director) in my early sixties and what I want now is lots of casual sex, not a serious relationship.
I broke up with a long-term girlfriend recently and I feel years younger. It’s a joy to be on my own and have huge fried breakfasts and wear the same socks for three days in a row. Now that I’m (not so) young, free and single, I can even smoke in bed. My children are a bit critical of what they describe as my ‘gallivanting’.
But fortunately for me, my job throws lots of attractive and rather lonely women in my path. What man wouldn’t make the most of it? Surely if I make it clear at the start that I don’t want anything serious, I’m not hurting anyone?
My ex-wife (long remarried) is very forgiving and tolerant. Oddly it’s our offspring who disapprove.
Seamus O’M, Surrey
“Frankly, I’m amazed that with your socks smelling like the cheese counter at Waitrose you can lure anyone into your love nest.”
Dear Seamus,
I think the pensioner doth protest too much. It seems to me that the person who needs convincing about your tarty, silver-haired approach to life is you
. Frankly, I’m amazed that with your socks smelling like the cheese counter at Waitrose you can lure anyone into your love nest, never mind these young lovelies you describe.
If you are happy being (smelly) footloose and fancy-free, then I wish you well, but, perhaps when you focus on your heart and head rather than your nether regions, you’ll realise that it is probably wiser to tend to your long-term relationships with your children than having one-night stands with young women who might be gorgeous, if a little nasally challenged.
Sexual gratification is marvellous at any age but, when you take the word ‘young’ away from free and single, it can all seem a little tragic. It might be time to keep your hands to yourself and stick your feet in a bath.
Dear Graham,
When I lost my job six weeks ago, I couldn’t bring myself to tell my wife. Every morning I shower, shave, dress for work, kiss my wife goodbye and drive to Tesco (my wife shops at Waitrose), where I stock up on drinks and sandwiches. I then drive to Windsor Great Park, where I spend most of the day sitting in the car listening to Radio 4 and reading P G Wodehouse. Occasionally I go for a walk, but I’m too nervous I’ll be spotted to do more than a mad dash round one of the quieter bits of the park.
My wife is very attractive and 22 years younger than me, and I’m worried that when she discovers I’m broke she’ll leave me for someone her age (35). We have always lived a rather glitzy life, funded mostly by my job, and by choice decided not to have children. I fear that her love for me is linked to my ability to provide. She gave up work when she married me and has a happy time playing tennis and seeing her girlfriends.
Ask Graham Page 9
