There is a particular sort of person who ends up missing the boat because they were looking for a plane – don’t let that happen to you.
Dear Graham,
My 20-year-old son had an affair during his last year at school with a Brazilian dancer 10 years older than him, and they split up after just a few weeks. A couple of months later, she called to tell him she was pregnant with his child. At my insistence, he asked her to have a DNA test, but she got so upset (and he felt so guilty) that he moved back into her life. The baby – a boy – is now 10 months old and my son is trapped in an unhappy relationship that had already ended long before the child arrived.
I have done all the right things – helping the mother get proper medical care, ensuring she ate the right foods when she was pregnant, but I would like to know if the child is my son’s – and my grandson. Given the mother’s general demeanour (stacked heels, hair extensions, vampy make-up, scant clothing), I don’t have a lot of faith that my son is her only conquest.
Although he adores his boy, it breaks my heart to see my son sucked into something that may not even be his responsibility – and at such a very young age.
I would never abandon the child – I just want to know the truth. A friend has suggested I take a sample of the child’s hair from his hairbrush for DNA testing. Would that be a very immoral thing to do?
Patricia L, Stoke-on-Trent
Dear Patricia,
Ask yourself a few questions. Who is trapped in an unhappy relationship? Who may or may not be the father of a Brazilian dancer’s child? Who is a fully fledged grown-up who needs his mother to back off big time?
I think you’ll find that the answer to all these questions is your son. This is his life and his problem. I can only imagine how frustrating and upsetting it is to watch your child stumbling through life like a drunk in a pub car park but that is what you must do. Remember when he asked for a DNA test and ended up moving back into her life? Who’s bright idea was that?
Patricia, you aren’t helping. Stop obsessing about the child’s paternity; it is irrelevant in this situation. DNA holds no answers and if you continue to act like a badly written character from Footballers’ Wives, I fear you may end up losing your own child. Again I say, Patricia, you aren’t helping.
If I was to advise your son, it does sound like he should get out of this non-relationship. The little boy will gain very little being brought up around all this unhappiness, but it is your son’s decision to make. I also wonder if things are quite as bad as you paint them. If the dancer is the man-eating vamp you describe, surely she could do better than shacking up with a 20-year-old student?
Unless, of course, that guy has a busybody mother who pays for everything.
Dear Graham,
For the past six months I have been exchanging emails with a girl I met through a mutual friend. We have been ‘cyber-dating’, but whenever I suggest meeting up she makes excuses, even though the emails she sends are bright, funny and suggestive, with lots of innuendo.
I know she was hurt in her last relationship. Do you think she’s afraid of taking the plunge again?
I feel that if she just gave me one chance to impress I would be able to bring her some happiness. But how can I persuade her to meet for real?
Peter B, Worcestershire
Dear Peter,
Six months? I’m not sure if your persistence deserves praise or derision, but I love a challenge – let’s smoke her out. First, for at least a month, make no mention of meeting – it’s the cyber equivalent of moving downwind. Then try to get some really juicy bait, such as hard-to-get tickets to an exhibition. Casually mention that you have a spare ticket, but apologise that you won’t be able to take her to lunch afterwards because you are very busy.
The chances of her believing this are slim, given that you found the time to spend six months emailing her, but it is vital that she doesn’t feel trapped. If this softly-softly approach doesn’t get results, give up or give her an ultimatum. If that fails, delete her email address and get on with your life – or perhaps just get a life.
Dear Graham,
I recently remarried after five years struggling to bring up two children on my own, with very little support from my ex. The problem is my new barrister husband has never been married before. The noise and chaos of a family of three moving into his house has been a major shock for him – and six months on he may even be regretting taking us on.
I’m desperate for things to work out but it feels as if I’m caught between two opposing camps. On the one hand I’ve got the demands of my two kids, on the other I’ve got my new husband.
My son and daughter are seven and nine – and are both sensitive and vulnerable. I worry that he is making his negative feelings towards them quite obvious. How do I draw the two camps closer?
Lydia L, Herts
Dear Lydia,
Are you familiar with the expression ‘out of the frying pan into the fire’? I fear that five years of wandering through an emotional and financial desert has led you to the first oasis you could find, but I worry it may have been a mirage. Where once there was a lonely, unhappy barrister and a desperate and unhappy single mother now there are four unhappy people and that makes no sense. It’s like The Brady Bunch directed by Mike Leigh.
Having said that, it has only been six months and the huge change to his bachelor life will take some getting used to. Equally, your children will have to learn that they are now going to have to share their mummy with someone else.
As the go-between, I’m afraid it is up to you to take the strain. Make time to be alone with your new husband. Get baby-sitters as often as you can and remind him why he wanted to marry you.
Much harder, but surely not impossible, is to find things to do together that both your children and the barrister will enjoy. Does he have any outside interests? Sailing? Cycling? Kite-flying? The point is to show him that having kids can add value to his life – they aren’t just noisy messy drains on his bank account.
Surely both of you realised this was never going to be easy and sure enough it isn’t. Tenpin bowling? Good luck!
Dear Graham,
My girlfriend chucked me two weeks ago. She had been feeling low for quite a while and, although it was a bit of a shock at the time, I now feel I’m partly to blame.
I ignored her distress signals in a typically male way, thinking it would pass and not really sure what I could do/say to make her feel better.
I really care about her and blame myself for the break-up. I should have listened to her and offered support. I miss her terribly.
How can I win her back?
Christian B, Canterbury
Dear Christian,
Isn’t hindsight a marvellous thing? My gut says you don’t deserve this girl back and you should just get on with your life and apply the lessons you have learned to your next relationship, but there is a pale winter sun in the sky and I don’t have a hangover, so here goes.
The first rule is not to tell her that you want her back. Simply be available to her. Text her and email her just to make sure that she’s feeling OK. Then do those things you failed to do when you were together – listen and support. If she responds, there is still some hope, but if you encounter a firewall then it’s a question of waiting or moving on. Imagine she gives you a glimmer of hope, then wait a few weeks before suggesting a meeting. Don’t refer to it as a date, just a quick drink before you have to go and do something else that’s close to where she works. After that, just see what happens.
What’s interesting is that by then you may have gone off the idea of getting back together. There must have been a reason why you didn’t care about her enough when you were together. Do you really miss her or just the idea of a girlfriend? Is it your heart that is hurting or your pride because she dumped you?
Taking things slowly will hopefully answer these questions and make the future clearer for both of you.
Dear Graham,
My wife
– an attractive woman – has always been obsessed with her lack of volume in the bosom department. She is determined to have surgery in order to increase her breast size from an A to a D. The problem is we’re rather short of cash – we’re currently putting two children through private school – and at £ 2,500 a breast we can’t really afford it.
You’d think that would be the end of the matter, but my wife is determined to push ahead one breast at a time. She says she’s ‘too desperate to wait’ and has her heart set on getting one breast done this year and the other in twelve months time.
Needless to say, the surgeon has advised against it, but when my wife gets a bee in her bonnet she’s a very tenacious woman.
Quite apart from the cost, I am very perturbed at the prospect of sharing my life for 12 months (possibly longer) with a woman who is built like a Page 3 girl on one side and a pancake on the other. What is a man to do?
Philip O, Manchester
“When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi never be attracted by a bargain.”
Dear Philip,
Although the operation may be called ‘a’ boob job, I think we all assumed the plural was implied. It’s good you recognise that your wife’s plan is an odd one, but I’m not sure you completely understand how barking at the moon, running naked down the high street, drinking your own pee, bonkers it is. If she has found a surgeon willing to agree with her, then I would search carefully for their name on the medical register.
I understand the need to budget, but a good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi never be attracted by a bargain. It’s all very well to say your wife has a bee in her bonnet but that isn’t quite as acceptable when it looks like she has the Andrex puppy in her other bonnet. Is all of this a threat because you have been promising her the operation for years and she has finally run out of patience?
I can’t believe any woman or doctor would go through with this lunatic plan so either you call her bluff or you cough up the extra £2,500. The Government is desperate for the banks to start lending again and this might be the sort of investment your bank manager would be interested in. Not all inflation is bad but remember when it’s all over it’s not just the books you want to balance.
Dear Graham,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 10 years and now, even though we’re still in our twenties, she is dropping hints about marriage and babies.
We’ve been together since university, but I know that I don’t want to marry her. Deep down I’ve always felt that things weren’t quite right, even though she’s gorgeous. It’s not very admirable, but I’ve stayed with her partly out of laziness and partly because she cooks delicious meals, organises our social life, books our holidays and so on.
I guess I should grit my teeth and end it. But is there a nice way of dumping your girlfriend, without causing terrible distress?
Jake S, Bristol
Dear Jake,
Let’s be clear here. ‘Not very admirable’ doesn’t cover how you have behaved towards your girlfriend. You have stolen the best 10 years of her life and now you plan to replace her. She isn’t a fitted kitchen – she’s a woman who understandably believes you want to be the father of her children. You deserve to die alone in a ditch with a tramp’s dog chewing off your ear.
Your girlfriend is gorgeous and does everything for you – how much better can a girlfriend get? My heart breaks for the poor woman but, trust me, you could never dump her, only release her from her prison of deceit. Do it now – there isn’t a moment to lose. A nice way of breaking the news to her might be to show her these letters. I know that there will come a day when you realise what you’ve lost and perhaps even beg her to come back to you. That thought makes me smile.
Dear Graham,
One of my closest friends is married to a man who is in the throes of raging cancer and I feel enormously guilty about my failure to support her.
I am a youngish (49) widow and lost my husband 11 years ago in a similar way. Having spent over a decade trying to get over my own loss, I simply can’t face going through the whole thing again.
It’s terribly difficult, of course, to say this. And I know it will come across as totally heartless when my friend is going through such hell. But I simply can’t be there for her. And because I’ve been there before myself I know just how helpless her situation is. I feel I’m incapable of saying those supportive, but essentially untrue things that she might want to hear.
Despite our long-standing friendship I would almost rather sever all ties now than get caught up in the untold misery and heartache that lie ahead for her. Even returning her calls is a tremendous effort for me.
Your advice would be so very welcome.
Celia D, Suffolk
Dear Celia,
You are dealing with very complicated emotions and it is clear that there will be no happy endings. I think the only thing you can do is be honest with your friend. Explain why you have been distant and you may be surprised at how understanding she is.
Perhaps your friendship won’t survive since you won’t be able to hold her hand as she goes through her personal hell, but surely it’s far better if she at least understands why you have had to abandon her.
Once you have explained your own pain, you may find it easier to cope with hers.
Since you have been through this bleak time, it seems a real shame that your experience couldn’t be put to some sort of good use. Knowing how far she has to fall and spotting the emotional pitfalls will maybe mean that you didn’t suffer for no reason.
Could you ever consider that helping your friend – simply allowing her to voice her worst fears to someone who knows – might salvage something positive out of your pain and the loss of your husband? I hope the suffering ahead is brief and that your friendship can somehow survive.
Dear Graham,
My son has had a succession of very attractive girlfriends since his first year at Cambridge, almost 20 years ago.
Each time he brings a girl home I find myself praying fervently that she might be the one. But in his quiet, understated way he appears to be a bit of a Lothario. There is no actual ‘type’. He’s tried everything. I’ve liked most of them, especially the last one, who was less pretty than her predecessors but very sweet-natured and helpful in the kitchen. My husband, who rarely agrees with me, liked the French girl who looked a bit like Sophie Marceau and pouted energetically at breakfast.
Why can’t he just settle down like his friends and make a proper commitment? In my day we didn’t endlessly swap partners, we just got on with it.
My husband says he’ll find the right one eventually (will he?), but I worry that he’ll never make his mind up. What if he wakes up one day to find all the nice girls have gone and married other people? I am – it goes without saying – desperate for grandchildren. Our other son is homosexual so there’s no hope on that front.
Eileen J, Devon
Dear Eileen,
You brought two children into the world. Congratulations. Neither of them is living the life you wanted them to. Commiserations. The only deal you make when you raise your children is that there is no deal. They are living their lives for themselves not for you.
The best thing you can do is to back off because I doubt that flicking through back issues of Brides magazine every time your son brings a girlfriend home is helping matters very much.
Hopefully, the problem is that you are so fabulous he cannot find a girl to measure up. Take it as a compliment and be glad you brought your son up to be the sort of man who doesn’t just settle. You may yearn for grandchildren but surely not if they are the product of an unhappy marriage. And you never know, even your gay son may surprise you one day by bringing home a little bundle of joy.
It’s a very modern world we live in, Eileen. I’m sorry things haven’t worked out the way you hoped but allow your sons to find their own versions of happiness in their own way.
Dear Graham,
M
y son appears to be going off the rails. He split up recently from his girlfriend – a lovely girl who is the daughter of old friends – and has fallen in with a bad set at university. They are a gloomy lot who don’t wash their hair, wear black from head to toe and favour body piercings of various kinds. On his last visit home, our son walked through the front door with a pierced eyebrow. My wife nearly wept.
Although I’m told that the Royal Family has made body piercing chic, my wife and I are quietly appalled. Our talented, healthy son, who was captain of his school cricket team, now looks like the sort of person who mugs grannies outside Tesco. What makes young people mutilate themselves in this way?
Far more worrying than his rather alarming appearance, though, are his job prospects. He graduates this summer from one of Britain’s best universities, but will employers look kindly on a young man with mutilated eyebrows?
Nicholas L, Shropshire
Dear Nicholas,
I suggest you and your wife take a few moments and sit down together to watch an episode of Hollyoaks on Channel 4. While you’ve been living on Planet Clueless, the rest of us have been seeing children behaving like your son since the dawn of time. Some cavewoman probably wept when her son came home in shoes and told her he was a vegetarian.
Although what your son is doing is quite extreme, all it means is that he is stating his independence from you and his mother by joining another clan. You don’t understand or approve because you’re not supposed to.
I urge you to remain calm. You may have lived your life according to a preordained plan, but clearly your son has decided to shake things up a bit. When he leaves university, he may not even apply for the jobs you think he should. Don’t be surprised to find him working in some alternative record shop or announcing that he’s going to go travelling. It doesn’t mean he’ll never settle down, just that he is living his own life, not yours. Neither is better or worse, it’s simply about choices.
Ask Graham Page 11
