Explain that if he could cut down on his smoking it would make you very happy but equally you understand that it is an addiction. Don’t ask him to choose between you and cigarettes because I’m not sure your ego could bear the result. If he really can’t cut back, just stock up on scented candles and chewing gum and count your lucky stars through a romantic haze of smoke.
Dear Graham,
All my close friends are hitched and having babies. My problem is that while I’m thrilled for them I don’t have the ability to be endlessly fascinated by my friends’ children. I hope the time will come when I have one or two of my own, but until it does I’m just not interested in nappies, breastfeeding, nanny problems or anything like that. Even doing minimal godparent duties are a massive effort for me as I find small children quite boring. Is that a shameful thing to say?
My friends keep asking me over to dull, smug, married evenings and I feel so mean making my excuses.
Am I making a terrible mistake putting these friendships on the back-burner? Or is it normal to want to seek out new people?
Sarah-Jane P, Middlesex
Dear Sarah-Jane,
Of course other people’s babies are boring – they can’t read menus and have no interest in discussing the red-carpet body language between Brad and Angelina.
You don’t have to stop being friends with people because they have children, but you have to realise that those relationships will become harder to maintain. Lives change and so do we and there sometimes comes a point when we have to accept that all we have in common with some people is that we used to be friends.
When that happens, it’s time to let go and that’s not a bad thing, it’s just about the choices you’ve made on your journey. Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not just to please others because ultimately that’s in no one’s best interest.
If you become a mother one day, you’ll develop an interest in nappies and nannies, but until then let the only mention of ‘pampers’ be when someone gives you a full-body massage followed by champagne.
Dear Graham,
How do you stick to New Year resolutions? Last year I vowed to give up drinking, stop eating after 6pm, and take up kick boxing and samba dancing. I joined a very chic gym and bought myself some glam kit.
The kick-boxing class was oversubscribed so I went for the most expensive swim of my life in a pool the size of Paris Hilton’s handbag (annual membership £500). Somehow I never made it back and the Stella McCartney leggings are now being worn by my skinny younger sister. Yes, I’ve got to the end of the year even fatter and more unfit than ever. How do other people do it? Is there some shortcut I don’t know about or is it just that I lack self-discipline?
What are your top tips?
Bella X, Middlesex
(no boyfriend – still)
Dear Bella,
Willpower isn’t a magic spell. You’ll find the resolve to diet and exercise when you truly want to stop being fat. The problem is that may not coincide with New Year’s Eve.
The other problem is that the resolutions you made were wildly unrealistic. Don’t give up drinking – cut it back. Allow yourself a dessert on a Friday night. Approach the gym as half an hour of increasing your heart rate rather than an episode of Gladiators.
Measure your progress in terms of things you have achieved – I walked to work twice this week – rather than cataloguing your failures – I didn’t run up Ben Nevis.
I manage to get to the gym because I don’t have the luxury of a personal trainer, but since you can afford to throw money away on Stella McCartney leggings perhaps you could hire one. This is the equivalent of buying willpower.
Whatever you do – do something. Slow steady improvement will mean change that you can maintain rather than some sort of manic extreme makeover that is thrilling for a couple of months but one year on leaves you fatter than ever, depressed and defeated.
Who knows? If you get your confidence back, next Christmas Santa might leave a boyfriend under your tree.
Dear Graham,
I’m one of those rather fashionable, or so my wife tells me, older men with a wife of 36, who has two young children by her previous partner. We are hoping to add to the family – my wife has just embarked on a course of IVF – so, if everything goes according to plan, there’s a strong likelihood I’ll be a first-time father at 62. Quite how I’ll cope, I simply don’t know.
The thing is, much as I love my wife, I’m terrified of becoming a grey-haired Zimmer-framed old boy, with a mutinous toddler in tow. Yes, I’m fit and healthy now, but who knows what the future holds. What if I suddenly start sliding rapidly downhill and falling asleep with my head in the soup?
I haven’t confided my fears to my wife but I’ve been having panic attacks about the whole thing. Is it fair for our child to have a geriatric dad?
Christopher J, north London
Dear Christopher,
What isn’t fair is that you are willing to discuss your fears with me but not your wife. You do realise that the woman is having serious medical treatment just to give you a child you aren’t sure you want? How has this happened? Presumably you talked about it at some stage or did you not think it polite to ask what she was intending to do with the sperm?
Hopefully, you did at some point think it was a good idea and what you are experiencing is the ‘jitters’. The point is you are currently healthy so why not enjoy life as it is rather than living in fear of an unknown future?
I’m not sure why you think you will suddenly turn into a Zimmer frame-owning narcoleptic but, if you did, isn’t the thought of your 36-year-old wife having to look after you just as upsetting with or without the mutinous toddler? It doesn’t take Einstein to figure out that, when this new baby is leaving school, you’ll be 80 and your wife will be in her mid-fifties.
No doubt your lovely bride has done the maths and is willing to take a gamble on the future so why don’t you relax and do the same? Perhaps there is method in her madness – since you’ll soon be getting up to go to the loo during the night quite often, you can nurse the baby while she sleeps through the night.
Seize life and don’t shy away from it. This new family may not be picture perfect but it can be picture happy.
Dear Graham,
When my daughter (and only child) recently announced she had met someone, I was delighted. Despite being pretty and highly intelligent, she has been without a boyfriend for most of her twenties.
To my horror, though, it turns out she is romantically involved with a married male colleague 10 years older than her. The man in question is a father of three, who clearly has no intention of leaving his wife.
It makes me weep that my marvellous daughter is throwing herself away on this wicked man. And, although she insists colleagues don’t know about it, I worry they’ll find out and lose all respect for her. And what will happen if some nice (unattached) young man comes knocking on her door in the meantime? Presumably he won’t get a look-in.
I’ve been sworn to secrecy and haven’t told her father, as he is sure to hit the roof. But what can I do to help her see the light? I fear there’s only going to be one loser in this sorry tale and it’s going to be my daughter.
Vanessa F, Bristol
“A heart that has never been broken has also never swelled with love. The scars on our hearts are just signs that a life has been lived.”
Dear Vanessa,
I feel for you. Of course you don’t want to see your daughter get hurt. You held her when she was small enough to sleep in a drawer using your knickers as a pillow, and, while your love for her remains unchanged, the fact is that she has. She’s a woman now and is living her life to please herself, not you, and that includes making mistakes.
I fear your reading of the situation is completely correct but all you can do is be there to dry her tears when it all goes wrong. By all means, tell her what you think but do it in a calm ‘just for the record’ sort of way. There is no point falling out with your daught
er over this.
Hard as it may be to accept, you can’t protect your child from all the hurts that life deals out, but look at it this way: a heart that has never been broken has also never swelled with love. The scars on our hearts are just signs that a life has been lived.
Just as you can see this affair ending badly, surely you can also see that she will meet someone else. One day you will both be able to laugh about what she ever saw in that pig from the office. Difficult as it may be, surely part of being a mother is taking the training wheels off the bike and watching your child freewheel down the hill.
Dear Graham,
My boyfriend spends hours and hours in the bathroom with the door bolted. Is this a male thing? I have no idea what he does in there. I don’t hear the chain being pulled, or even water dripping from the taps. He helps himself to my Jo Malone bath oil and I’m pretty sure he’s now dipping into my Crème de la Mer. Should I be worried?
Georgina B, Chipping Camden
Dear Georgina,
What sort of paradise syndrome are you living in? Have you ever read the letters readers send me? They have problems – you have a minor irritation. You might as well have written to me complaining about how difficult you find it to open the plastic bags at Waitrose. Clearly, the poor man just wants to spend some time alone away from you.
Unless you have any reason to believe he is smuggling a third party into your bathroom, simply assume he is on the loo flicking through a year-old copy of Grazia.
Instead of being bugged by his absence, learn to appreciate it as ‘you’ time. Watch the TV programme you like, read, scratch your special places. Basically, enjoy the solitude.
Standing outside the bathroom door trying to hear water dripping is no way to spend your time. You have a boyfriend and can afford Crème de la Mer – hug your knees and give thanks to the Lord, you lucky thing.
Dear Graham,
Why don’t British men ask women out on dates? I am a 29-year-old Californian living in London and have noticed that it takes an awful lot of effort to provoke a rush of blood to the loins of the average British male. Men on this side of the pond seem to prefer the company of other men. At parties, I find that only the women are friendly.
I have been here for nine months without being asked out on a single date, even though I’ve met a lot of people and work in a male-dominated environment (corporate finance). This is the first time in my adult life that I’ve been single for longer than three months, despite the fact that I’m blonde, athletic and, I am told, attractive. Friends tell me that British men don’t formally date; instead they get drunk and reach for the nearest available woman.
Can you offer me some advice? How do I go about getting a boyfriend without going from first to last base in the blink of an eye?
Jennifer E, London/San Francisco
Dear Jennifer,
You are quite right. We don’t date – we drink and take pot luck. British men never really advance emotionally beyond spin the bottle.
Because most of the men you meet are in a work situation, it is only natural that they don’t ask you out on a date. If it doesn’t work out, there you are, day in and day out, a memorial to their failure. No man’s ego can bear that.
If it did go further, then having your partner working in the same office isn’t very appealing either. Most men enjoy going to work to get away from their girlfriends and wives. Women at work are good for one-night stands and affairs. All you’ll get out of an office romance are a few bunches of garage flowers and some awkward silences.
For relationships, look elsewhere. Go where the dates are. Join internet dating sites, place an ad in the personals. It may not be how you imagined meeting the love of your life, but you will at least find the dates you want, with men who know the rules.
Alternatively, join the boys. Drink as much as they do and pray to Bacchus that one morning you wake up with someone you love.
Dear Graham,
My husband and I have separated, but we’re still living together because we cannot sell our house in Fulham. It’s an ignominious position, with both of us creeping about, trying not to have yet another row.
I wonder if you can offer any advice on how to cope with this awful situation? Neither of us can afford to move out until we sell the house. We have a son, but he’s away at boarding school, so we have until the Easter holidays to sort something out.
I am the so-called ‘guilty party’, although I was never unfaithful to my husband. The slow drip-drip of marital misery (11 years) finally made me realise I’d be better off on my own.
Linda M, south-west London
Dear Linda,
What a hideous predicament. I really don’t want to suggest ways of making it easier for you to cope because only one thing needs to happen – it has to stop. I know money is important, but maybe you should knock just a couple of thousand off the price. Any profits lost should be offset against the huge emotional cost of letting this drag on.
Because you ended the marriage, perhaps you are reluctant to suggest such a radical move. But your ex-husband must be in hell too, unless, of course, he thinks that as long as you have the house there is the possibility of the two of you getting back together. Make sure he is as keen to sell as you are.
Do you have any friends you could stay with for a maximum of six months?
I think it is important for the mental health of both of you to get out of this situation as soon as possible. Remember this will end. Your life will get better and happiness will be yours once more. Good luck.
Your sports-mad Norwegian is perfectly happy in his pants, so leave him alone. Y-fronts? Why not!
Dear Graham,
My Norwegian boyfriend wears Y-fronts, but I find boxers far sexier because they leave more to the imagination. My boyfriend refuses to change. I understand that Y-fronts are more comfortable for sport (he’s very keen on cycling), but I’m worried they’ll reduce his sperm count, which could be a problem if we decide to have children at a later stage. How do I reopen negotiations on this rather awkward subject without annoying him?
Maggie P, Paris
Dear Maggie,
I’ve only known you for a paragraph and you’ve already managed to annoy me. Y-fronts or boxers – it’s hardly the referendum on the new EU constitution, is it? This poor Norwegian is perfectly happy in his pants, so just shut up and leave him alone.
Sperm count, Maggie? Are you seriously telling me that it would be a good idea to have children with a man you can’t even agree on underwear with?
If this is truly a big issue for you, I suggest that your world has become somewhat small. Why don’t you watch CNN for a few hours or spend an afternoon in the A&E department of a busy hospital and then go home and ask your Nordic pedal-pusher to drop his trousers. Do they really look that bad? Y-fronts? Why not, Maggie, why not?
Dear Graham,
I’m a single girl of 26 and don’t have a problem getting dates, but because of nerves I find myself saying stupid things. Instead of laughing it off, I get more embarrassed and spend the rest of the evening apologising. How do I keep a cool head when talking to good-looking guys?
Melissa C, Kent
Dear Melissa,
You poor thing. With 30 hurtling towards you, the giggling and silly behaviour has to stop. If you have no problem getting dates and you describe them as ‘good-looking guys’, then I imagine you are no Ann Widdecombe in training. Until you become comfortable with a man, here’s a top tip: say less!
The clever ones will find you an enigma, and the dim ones will think that you’re interested in what they’re saying. If something stupid does slip out, move on and never apologise. Chances are he was staring at your breasts and didn’t hear a word you said. Stride sexily but silently towards a love-filled future.
Dear Graham,
I have been on nine dates with a Canadian merchant banker in his mid-forties whom I met at party. We come from very different worlds (I am a music therapist), but that hasn�
��t been a problem. He has taken me twice to the opera and ballet, as well as to lovely dinners at Le Caprice. I find this man, who has never been married, very attractive, but he has made no attempt to kiss me. Is he a perfect gent or, God forbid, gay?
Laline P, west London
“If I’m to be completely honest, your bachelor with a penchant for the ballet, the opera and fine dining reeks of eau d’homo.”
Dear Laline,
If I’m to be completely honest, your bachelor with a penchant for the ballet, the opera and fine dining reeks of eau d’homo. You say he hasn’t been married, but does he ever mention girlfriends? If he’s trying to hide his gayness, would he take you to the ballet on a first date?
Trying to discover his dark secrets is a good game, but the reasons behind his lack of ardour don’t matter. Get out now, because even if he turns out to be straight, and finally does sleep with you, he’ll never be the man you want. Every woman wants to feel desired. Let’s hope the next Canadian you meet is of the lumberjack variety.
Dear Graham,
I’m absolutely dreading the office Christmas party.
Last year I got so drunk (on warm cava – ugh!) that I did unmentionable things with a fire extinguisher. Tales of my antics even reached our office in Dubai, where I was hoping to be posted. Very embarrassing.
My problem is that I don’t handle alcohol terribly well. When I drink, I become rather wild and behave out of character. But refusing to drink is not tolerated by my colleagues. Only a visible pregnancy bump would let me off the hook and I haven’t had a boyfriend for three years.
Ask Graham Page 16
