The problem is we have long periods of not getting on terribly well. Weeks can go by with her turning her back on me in bed. I have no idea if this is normal, or whether I’m with the wrong girl. She is keen to start a family, but I am not 100 per cent sure we are right for one another. Do other couples have similar ups and downs?
Jonathan S, London
Dear Jonathan,
Nearly 30 and so naive! There is an old Swiss proverb that says ‘Marriage is a covered dish’, which essentially means that no relationship is normal and that no one apart from the couple can guess why or why not the partnership works.
Fighting all the time sounds miserable to me, but it seems as if you thrive on it. Your French girlfriend’s volatile spirit has kept you interested for nearly two years so perhaps it is worth considering whether the calm alternative is truly what you want. As for children – you haven’t told me how old your girlfriend is, but if she isn’t knocking at 40’s door then you should see how things play out, because, however hard things are between you now, a screaming baby will only make things harder.
But from what you write it seems that the whiff of baby powder won’t be happening too soon. I’m no expert on heterosexual sex but I’m pretty sure that turning her back on you in bed is not how babies are made.
Dear Graham,
I’ve just got engaged and my parents are not happy about it. They say my fiancé and I are too young – I’m 21 and he is 22 – and it’s too soon for us to make that commitment, given that we have only been going out since the summer. My fiancé and I don’t have any doubts at all and I feel my parents are being a little hypocritical as they married young themselves.
I’ve always been old for my age and didn’t go to college because I was keen to start working and earn money as quickly as possible. All through my teens, I did Saturday and holiday jobs, and I’ve been working full-time in a legal chambers, running the administrative side of things, since I was 19. My fiancé is equally hard-working and responsible.
Why the fuss? I don’t want to upset my parents but, when you know it’s right, why delay things?
Stephanie L, Berkshire
Dear Stephanie,
I’m glad you’re happy. I’m thrilled you are in love. I’m impressed by your work ethic. Clearly, you are a mature woman in charge of her own destiny. The only thing that makes you seem like a kid is your hurry to get married.
Your parents love you and just want to protect you from pain. They know divorce is much more emotionally damaging than a simple break-up, especially if children are involved. The fact that they got married young doesn’t make them hypocrites, it just means they know how hard it is.
Having said that, they may as well give you their blessing because clearly nothing is going to dissuade you from wanting to hear wedding bells and cut a cake with the man of your dreams. We all make choices and then have to live with them.
Life isn’t an exam with right or wrong answers; everything we do turns out to be a bit of both. I really hope you have a special day and a wonderful life, but try to keep your girlish figure and then you can at least wear the dress again.
Dear Graham,
My husband lost his job this summer and we decided that it would make sense if I went back to work while he stayed at home to look after our baby. It has all gone surprisingly well – he’s brilliant with her and she’s really flourishing. The problem is that since he has become a house husband I don’t find him as attractive as I used to. Some days it feels as if I’m living with another woman.
I know we have to find a way of making this work. My job makes more money – and his prospects of finding work in the current climate aren’t good – but I’m finding the role reversal quite difficult. Often I yearn to be spending all day with my daughter and waving my husband off to work.
What would you do in my situation?
Fiona B, Kent
Dear Fiona,
How frustrating that the perfect solution to a tricky problem has caused an even trickier one. I imagine that looking at your husband washing your baby makes your heart glow with love, but hardly fills your loins with yearning. Still this is a problem that men must face all the time as their sex goddess becomes a milk-stained mummy.
In the short term, I think the most important thing is to stop your love life from disappearing altogether. Have sex even if you aren’t in the mood. Think of it as the pilot light in your sexual boiler – you know how hard it is to relight once it goes out completely.
In the long term, work on ways of letting your husband assert his masculinity. It might sound ridiculous but watching him put up shelves or clear out the garage might just help you see him in an old light. If you are finding it difficult to improve your sex life by yourselves, then don’t feel embarrassed about asking a sex counsellor for help.
As for not wanting to go to work some mornings, welcome to the world. No one looks forward to going to work every morning, that’s why they pay you to show up.
Dear Graham,
My husband dropped down dead six months ago while teaching our five-year-old football in the back garden.
He was a high-flying City broker and we led a pretty extravagant life, living for each day, assuming he would go on earning for years to come.
Quite apart from the enormous hole it’s left in my life – and my children’s – it’s been a colossal shock financially. My husband had no life insurance so I have had to downshift in a major way, moving out of our (rented) house and pulling the children out of their fee-paying schools.
My problem continues to be financial. I want to give the children a better life but I simply can’t afford it. I haven’t worked since I was 22 and, even if I did try to find some kind of job, I feel I’d be letting down the kids who really need me at home.
There is no family I can rely on. His parents are dead, my widowed mother is in a nursing home and, like me, my husband was an only child.
I know there are no simple answers but any advice would be welcome.
Delphine S, Guildford
Dear Delphine,
I know your husband died only six months ago but I’m afraid the answer is simple – you must get a job. I know it’s not ideal but, as life has cruelly shown you, things rarely are. It’s possible that you could do something from home which means you won’t feel so guilty – perhaps offer childcare to friends who need it – but whatever happens, you need to start earning some money.
Things have reached crisis point after a few months and I fear they will just get worse the longer you avoid going back to work. Presumably you have already tapped into any social services or benefits you are entitled to. If not, do so immediately.
The other thing to do is to find women who are in the same situation as you. You can’t be the only young widow in the country and I think finding out how other women cope will make you feel much better and, even more importantly, less alone. The future must seem insurmountable and exhausting right now but you have survived the worst and I’m sure you are tougher than you think.
Take comfort in the fact that life doesn’t usually stay awful for long – there will be bright spots in your future. Head towards them.
Dear Graham,
I launched myself on an old friend recently, partly out of loneliness (we’re the only singletons in our circle), partly because I’d always vaguely fancied him. We spent the night together and I woke up the next morning with a thumping hangover, realising that I’d made the most awful mistake.
We’ve been friends for ages, but I guess we never got together before for a reason. It’s hard to describe exactly, but I felt almost incestuous the next day – as if I’d slept with my brother.
What should I do? He keeps calling and leaving these sweet messages. I feel awful about the whole thing.
Rosamund I, Suffolk
Dear Rosamund,
You idiot! OK, we’ve got that out of the way. But now you must act quickly. This is the sort of situation that, if you allow it to conti
nue, will turn bad faster than organic milk. I suggest a very posh lunch that you are going to pay for.
Tell this guy exactly how you feel, right down to your line about incest, and then sit back and pray. With luck, he will understand and the two of you can stagger back towards the friendship you had. But if he is so heartbroken that you lose him as a friend, at least you haven’t led him on.
Now the only thing that could go wrong is that you get drunk at the lunch and sleep with him again because you feel guilty. Make sure you have somewhere you have to be in the afternoon and don’t agree to meet him later that night to talk some more.
Good luck, and remember that sleeping with friends is lazy and selfish: we don’t cook our pets just because we’re hungry and they’re sitting right by the oven.
Dear Graham,
I am godmother to my best friend’s son. I am really fond of him, but I find that, since I was asked to be a godparent, my friendship with his mother has changed. These days I’m only ever invited over to ‘bond’ with my godson. What typically happens is that I am asked around for a so-called drink, but, while my friend tucks into a lovely bottle of sauvignon blanc downstairs, I’m stuck upstairs reading endless bedtime stories and beginning to feel like an unpaid nanny rather than a friend.
At the end of a busy day at work, what I want to do is sit down with a glass of wine and relax over some proper adult chat. I don’t want to be reading stories about wolves and bears to a small, fractious child. But somehow the whole thing is presented to me like a favour (I’m childless and single).
How do I tell my friend that this is the last thing I feel like doing, without hurting her feelings? And am I just meanspirited to mind?
Lara U, Bedfordshire
Dear Lara,
There are two approaches to this problem. The first is probably the more sensible. Start praising your friend to the skies. Marvel at her mothering abilities and declare that you just don’t know how she does it. The next time you are due for a visit, ask if she minds if you come a bit late because of work. Obviously, you’ll be very sorry not to spend time with your godchild.
The next time, cry off from the child care by explaining that you are too tired after work and again express your admiration for her amazing child-rearing skills. Slowly, like a baby with milk, you’ll be weaned off child-care duty and have to do it only occasionally.
The alternative is morally suspect but much more fun. Every time you go upstairs to your godchild, pump him full of sugar. Smuggle in biscuits, sweets, cans of cola. The child won’t sleep for weeks on end, you will be blamed and you’ll never be asked again. I know this seems like the perfect solution, but do you really want an obese godchild?
Dear Graham,
I’ve just met this rather nice man. It seems to be going well but he just doesn’t wash his hair. It smells funny and looks awful.
Maybe a better person could put up with it, but I’ve got a thing about dirty hair (only Kurt Cobain could get away with it in my book) and it makes intimacy a bit of a struggle for me, when he is otherwise so attractive.
I think there may be an underlying issue: his hair is thinning and I expect he worries that washing it makes it fall out faster. How can I face this kindly?
Lisa D, Hastings
Dear Lisa,
One of the really good and very bad things about living somewhere like Hastings is that no matter how awful you look within minutes you will see someone who looks a lot worse.
Under no circumstances must you raise this problem with your new friend. You should engineer a situation where someone else will do it for you.
Why not buy him some treatments at one of the many new men’s grooming places that have opened in London? Before he goes, call them and explain the situation. These people are almost doctors. Ask them to give him a range of shampoos and conditioners that promote hair growth.
Obviously these don’t work (check out my picture on the cover of the book) but at least what he does have will be clean. If this is outside your price range, then one night in the pub in front of others might encourage him to shave his head for charity, thereby helping others as well as him.
Think of me as you wake up next to someone who doesn’t smell like a wet dog.
Dear Graham,
My wife is turning into a very dull woman. Is it shameful to say that? When I married her she was a hotshot lawyer with great legs and huge charisma. But now she’s a woolly, dumpy mother of two, whose interests don’t extend beyond the four walls of our house.
You’re going to tell me she’s exhausted from housework and child-rearing, and perhaps she is. But I’d be happy to employ armies of nannies and housekeepers so she could relax more and take care of herself generally. It’s my wife who refuses all help.
If she suggested going back to work part-time, I’d be delighted. Not that we need the money; more that I’d like to see her revert to the bright, sparky person I married, and get back some of her old self-confidence. Although she’s a good mother, it’s no fun being married to her any more.
I’m not saying I don’t love her, but I’m a hot-blooded, competitive male. I like women with chutzpah who challenge me. I don’t want to come home every evening to a bedraggled wife whose only news is that the plumber has come.
Marcus E, Chichester
Dear Marcus,
Isn’t it annoying when people change? It’s such a shock. I remember the first time I saw Tom Selleck without a moustache. The trouble is you just don’t see it coming. Who knew that getting married and having kids might transform a leggy hotshot lawyer into someone else?
Marcus, you need to realise that the woman you married is gone and unlike Tom’s moustache is never coming back. The good news for you is that your wife is obviously very comfortable in her new role and the other bit of good news is that you’re rich. Money may not solve every problem, but it is quite an effective solution to being poor.
Use that money to take your dumpy wife out of her comfort zone. Arrange childcare and whisk her off to Portofino, take her skiing in Whistler. In short, give her things to look good for. No one would dream of showing up at those locations without a new outfit or two.
Encourage her to meet people who may challenge her to do things outside of the home. Maybe you could ask her to help you with some project? There is no reason for your wife to come up with ideas herself as she is obviously content working as a mother and homemaker.
As the children grow older, this new job may begin to bore her. Make sure she doesn’t get bored with you.
Dear Graham,
I am a 27-year-old bachelor who needs your advice. Four years ago I lost a leg below the knee in an accident. Since then I have dated only within my circle of friends, who know about my situation. Now, however, I have met the most gorgeous girl and I am terrified of telling her in case she dumps me. Should I continue concealing it from her and enjoy it while I can? If I prolong it, I hope our love will have more time to grow even stronger. My false leg does not bother me, and we have been to bed several times without her realising. Help!
Tim L, Somerset
Dear Tim,
When I first read your letter, I wondered how it was possible to have sex with someone who has a false leg and not notice. Then it came to me in a blinding flash – it probably isn’t. I believe really strongly that your gorgeous new girlfriend knows about your leg and just hasn’t said anything. She’s waiting for you to bring up what is, under any circumstances, a sensitive subject.
Think about it, Tim. Friends of friends are sure to have tipped her off long before you turned out the bedroom lights. Look around: you know who has a glass eye, who is trying to hide a withered hand, and certainly who has lost a leg. I’m not saying that it’s obvious in any way, but everyone has some kind of grim fascination with the misfortune of others.
Test my theory. Over dinner, slip into conversation something about your accident or operation, and then casually confirm that she knows about your false limb. She will be
thrilled that it’s out in the open, and you can stop getting undressed in the dark.
She likes you – enjoy it.
Dear Graham,
My younger sister, who’s only 15, has a crush on one of my friends and it’s really annoying. She hangs around us all the time, saying ridiculous, inappropriate things, and staring at him in this moony-eyed way. She’s also started wearing really horrible shouty make-up and these jangly ethnic bracelets that drive me nuts.
He’s far too nice to say anything but I can tell he’s really embarrassed. Luckily, I’m in my last year at school so she won’t be in my hair for much longer, but I’m wondering how I’m going to get through the next few months. How can I get her to leave me in peace when I have my mates around?
Ed L, Barnes
Dear Ed,
Your letter makes me so glad I have dogs instead of kids. Canine children just sniff around each other and then either have a fight or try a bit of half-hearted humping. I don’t think I could bear shouty make-up and ethnic bracelets.
Since you are leaving school this year, why not practise being an adult? I’m sure you can remember a time when you found it hard to be cool around girls you fancied and your sister is just in the same slightly sweaty awkward boat.
Now what I’m about to suggest may make you scream and throw the paper to the floor. What if your friend likes your sister? I know that is the sort of thought that makes your breakfast want to say hello but think about it. If he hates the attention, why does he keep coming to your house?
Watch them more closely or perhaps ask your friend if your sister is annoying him. The answer may surprise you. If you find out for sure that your sister is barking up the wrong pimple-covered tree, then maybe mention it to your mother who could perhaps break the bad news to your sister better than you.
Ask Graham Page 21
