by A. D. Ellis
I was giddy with the excitement of being out on my own; the fear of Wayne and the uncertainty of what was ahead of me almost overpowered that excitement, but I allowed the giddiness to bubble to the surface. Being on my own, being the real me, making my own decisions; these were things I’d never done before, and I was looking forward to them even though the huge change was scary as hell.
I wore only the clothing I had on and took enough clothing for a week’s worth of living. I had an exorbitant amount of clothing, but I feared it would be noticed if I packed too much. Wayne had gifted me with a cell phone early in our marriage; I was allowed to phone my parents or Wayne. I did not use it much, but Wayne expected me to be available on it at all times. The decision facing me was whether to take it with me or not. If I left it in Wayne’s home, he would get suspicious when he couldn’t reach me. If I took it with me, he could use it to track me down quicker. I decided to text Wayne and hopefully buy myself some time.
ME: Wayne, I need to relax and recover from the consequences of my poor decisions. I’m going to have the driver take me to the spa so that I can spend the week there. I will probably be unavailable by phone since the reception is so bad.
After sending the text, I hid the phone deep in the closet under piles of shoeboxes. I also turned it off and took the battery out; I didn’t know much about phones but I hoped this would prevent Wayne from tracking it for a while.
I left nothing for Wayne. I would contact the lawyer when I reached Torey Hope and have the divorce papers served. I was asking for nothing from the marriage other than being done with it. I had taken pictures of my face after Wayne hit me; the local authorities had written up a restraining order for me thanks to the lawyer. My lawyer called ahead to the Torey Hope authorities to get a restraining order on file there as well. With luck, if Wayne found me, he would be stopped and arrested before he could hurt me; I knew, after the anger he exhibited the day of the tattoo shop incident that he would not stop himself if he found me. He had been getting angrier and meaner as our time together went on; I felt he was now a loose cannon and finding out I left would be the light to his fuse.
Josie
“Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror” ~Byrd Baggett
The driver did drop me at the spa; I had to walk all the way up to the door and enter before he would drive away. Quickly, I detoured to the side door in hopes that none of the staff would see me; I was grateful I had worn my hair pulled up under a large, floppy hat with oversized dark sunglasses. Even if someone saw me walk out the side door, I hoped they wouldn’t recognize me. The spa would be the first place Wayne checked when he realized I was gone.
I made my way into the nearest town, walking on side streets and through backyards. Once there I bought a pay-as-you-go phone and asked the store for the number of a taxi company. The cab driver ended up being a kind old man who reminded me of a grandfather; I never knew my own grandparents, but he seemed like what a grandfather should be. He took me about an hour away to the nearest Greyhound bus station. I paid him and told him thank you; I had not spoken of where I was going or why so I was shocked and touched when he replied, “Just so you know, miss, I’m an old forgetful man so if anyone ever asks me about delivering a beautiful girl to the bus station, I’m pretty sure I won’t remember it. You have a good life and just love yourself.” With a final nod of his head and a small wave, he drove away.
I turned, with tears in my eyes, to face the bus schedule. According to the times and miles listed ahead of me, it would take me two days on the bus to reach Torey Hope. I made a quick stop at the restroom to wash my face and comb out my hair; my head was hot from having all of that hair piled up under the hat I’d been wearing. After my pit-stop, I gathered my hair back up under the hat and donned the ridiculously large sunglasses. I paid cash for a ticket to Torey Hope, Illinois and then sat on a secluded bench to wait for the bus to arrive.
An hour later, as I climbed on the huge vehicle, I couldn’t help but breathe a little easier and I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. I didn’t know what lay ahead in Torey Hope, but I didn’t think it could be any worse than what I was leaving. I’d keep taking it one day at a time. I already felt better than I had in years because I was free.
**********
I arrived in the quaint little town as the sun was setting. I realized quickly that it was the day after Thanksgiving when I saw Black Friday signs and ads all over town; I’d been so distracted with planning my escape that the thought of the holiday had passed me by.
My hands were sweaty as I made my way up the stairs to what I hoped was Robert Decker’s home. I was nervous to meet him and doubly nervous because it appeared that he had a house full of company. But, keeping the picture of those wild horses in my mind and grasping to the promise of freedom and a new start, I knocked on the door.
The man who greeted me upon opening the door looked very much like my father, but I could tell this man was nothing like Richard Decker the moment he spoke. “Good evening, ma’am. How can I help you?” He was kind and considerate, and I saw immediately that he was a genuinely kind person.
“Hello, are you Robert Decker?” I willed my voice to stop quivering.
“Well, yes, ma’am, I am.” Robert smiled and looked at me with curiosity.
“Um, I think I’m your niece. I mean, I think you’re my uncle. Ugh, sorry. Are you Richard Decker’s brother?” Robert’s eyes showed recognition as I spoke.
“Yes, Richard is my brother. I never knew he had a daughter. What’s your name dear?” Robert took hold of my hands as he spoke.
“My name is Josie. My father and mother were killed in a plane crash over a year ago. He mentioned you in his will. I had to leave a bad situation, and I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I won’t bother you or stay long, but I was wondering if I could stay with you for a couple days.” I prepared for Robert to turn me away as I saw four adults walk to the entryway behind him just as he reached out and hugged me to his chest. My heart soared as I felt acceptance flow from this man. He turned around and practically ran into the two couples standing behind him.
“Dad?” One of the women whispered her question as she and the woman next to her took me in with their wary eyes.
“Well, everyone, I’d like you to meet my niece, Josie Decker.” I didn’t correct him as he used my maiden name; I hoped to legally be a Decker again very soon.
“Josie, this is my family. We’re a very large group; I’ll introduce everyone, but don’t even try to keep us all straight just yet.” My uncle began making introductions as the two women, who looked to be just a few years older than me, exchanged looks of confusion and uncertainty.
“I didn’t know you had a cousin, Angel.” One of the men spoke in a soft whisper into the ear of the blond woman. I watched as she shook her head and replied, “Neither did I.” I felt bad that I was obviously intruding and taking everyone by surprise.
The dark haired woman turned to the other man and mouthed, “I have no clue who she is.” He raised an eyebrow towards the other man and they both shrugged.
“This is Jack and Judy Jordan. They are the parents of my son-in-law, Jeremiah, who is married to my youngest daughter, Audrey.” Robert rotated me around to meet the Jordans.
“This is John and Cindy Morgan. Their son, Nate, is married to my oldest daughter, Libby.” Again, he led me around the room doing introductions.
“This is Nate’s brother, Nicky, and his wife Carly.” Uncle Robert led me to a chair and had me sit. “The children are all downstairs, you can meet them later.” I was glad there were no more names or introductions, my brain was on overload from nerves and meeting so many people.
One of the men, I thought he was named Nicky, bluntly stated, “I didn’t know Audrey and Libby had a cousin. How do you not know you have a cousin?” The rest of the group cringed a bit at his question, but it was something I’m sure they were all thinking.
“It seems I have a story to tell. Everyon
e grab a drink and get comfortable.” My uncle indicated he was settling in and the rest of the group followed suite. As he began his story, a deep love for his deceased wife was evident, as was the pain that he still carried with him. I gathered quickly that my Aunt Lois had been gone many years, but the hurt and the missing her were as fresh in his eyes and his voice as if he lost her yesterday. Uncle Robert began his story and every single person in the room, including me, was drawn into it immediately. His words brought his past of love, loss, hurt, and anger to life.
The long and short of his story included my father and uncle not being close growing up. Then my father fell for my uncle’s girl, Lois. She loved Robert but Richard wanted her for himself. He physically assaulted her and tried to bully her into marrying him. She clung to my uncle and they married and had a wonderful life until she passed away suddenly at a fairly young age. Uncle Robert and my father never spoke after the incident between Richard and Lois. Robert didn’t even know Richard’s whereabouts and certainly didn’t realize his brother had married, had me, and been killed.
When Uncle Robert stopped his story and he took a moment to gather himself; I could tell from his face and voice and the sincere interest from the other members of his family that the memories he had shared were ones he had never spoken of with those gathered around him. He took a deep breath and swallowed. Turning to me he spoke earnestly and my heart both broke and soared; this man was welcoming me into his family. “Josie, I don’t know what brings you here or what you’ve been going through, but I want you to know that you’ve found family here with me.”
As he finished his story and spoke to me, I watched as the adult family members, who had been submersed in the story, all began to move and stretch as if to shake the story from their heads. The two older women, Cindy and Judy, had eyes glistening with tears; it was as if they thought of how easily his story could become theirs; nothing was guaranteed and they could lose their spouses at any moment. I could see how this story of loss really hit home for these two women.
Libby and Audrey, cousins I didn’t know existed until an hour ago, sat still on the couch, tears clearly drying on their cheeks. I could tell they missed their mother. I watched, feeling like an intruder as Robert and his girls spoke in hushed tones and hugged each other.
I tried not to listen in but their conversation drifted to my ears. “Girls, right now, I think we need to concentrate on Josie. I can’t imagine my brother as a parent and I doubt that being his child would have been very easy. I know it’s strange to welcome a perfect stranger into my home, but she looks so much like Richard that I know she’s his daughter and I just have a gut feeling that she’s not been treated well. Will you girls help me to help her?”
Libby and Audrey didn’t look at each other, they seemed to know what the other was thinking; I held my breath, would they accept me? “Of course we’ll help you and Josie, Daddy.” After a group hug, the three of them came to me and welcomed me into their family with no questions and open arms. I barely held back the tears as they wrapped their arms around me. In the two hours I’d been there I had felt more love and acceptance from these virtual strangers than I had ever felt from my own parents or husband.
After all of the sleepy children were loaded up and goodbyes were exchanged, the majority of the family members drove off into the night with promises of getting together soon.
“Well, Josie, it looks like we’ve got a lot of time to make up for. Come on, I’ve got a spare bedroom and it’s got your name written all over it. Let’s get you settled in.” My uncle spoke with a smile in his voice.
I knew he was taken by surprise when I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his middle, “Thank you so much, Uncle Robert. I didn’t know where else to go, and I was so scared you’d turn me away. You’ve treated me more kindly in the two hours I’ve been here than my parents treated me my entire life.” I wasn’t ready to bring up Wayne just yet, but I knew I’d have to talk about that part of my life soon.
With his arm around my shoulders, my uncle, who I had recently learned was called Captain by his family and friends, carried my single bag into the house. “I’m sorry about your past, Josie. I’m glad to have you here; you’re family.”
Kyle
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.” ~Anne Lamott
A year or so earlier
Izzy and I had our first argument on a Wednesday morning; although it was more of a misunderstanding than an argument. The stress of trying and failing to get pregnant month after month, year after year, had finally brought us to a breaking point. We weren’t talking about divorce or giving up on each other, we were just tired. Tired of scheduled sex, tired of hoping and having those hopes dashed, tired of doctor appointments that made us feel like failures.
“Kyle, I’m running late for the doctor appointment. I need to stop by the record shop quickly to open it up for the day then I’ll rush to the appointment. You’ll be there, right?” Her eyes were red from crying the night before; she was a nervous wreck knowing that we would find out today if we had been successful or failed yet again.
Even with the help the doctors had to offer us, Izzy had been adamant that we would do this the natural way and keep love involved in it. We had tried; of course we still loved each other, but sex because a thermometer says it’s the right time or cervical mucus is the right consistency isn’t exactly intimate and spontaneous.
She must have noticed my fatigued look. I had every intention in the world of being by her side; it just got so very hard to hold your wife as her hopes and yours were dashed month after month. In her stressed state she snapped over my reaction.
“Oh, I see how it is, Kyle. I can’t get pregnant and you’re the one who’s tired of it?!?! Tired of the appointments? Tired of the scheduled sex? Tired of seeing me cry? Yeah, well, I’m even more tired of it, Punk Boy!” That was all she had time to say before the tears started to fall and she collapsed into me. I held her, like I had done so many times over these many years. I no longer tried to use words to comfort her; I knew nothing I could say would help. I was just there for her; I held her and rocked her gently and kissed her head.
“I’m sorry, Izzy-bel. I didn’t mean to look like I was tired of all of it; I’ll continue doing this for as long as you want. I want a baby with you so badly, but I also don’t want to lose ‘us’ through all of it. I feel like we’ve done a really good job up until just recently. Maybe we should take a break from all of the charts and temps and schedules and just love on each other for a month or two and then hit it again when we’ve recouped ourselves.” I looked at her expectantly.
“Kyle, I’m so sorry for blowing up at you. I don’t know what happened; I just feel guilty sometimes when I see how this is wearing you out. Thank you for sticking by me through all of this shit. I agree; no matter what the results are today, let’s just take a two or three month break and see what happens. I love you, Punk Boy.” She leaned in to kiss me and the sparks immediately lit; she was going to be a lot later if I had my way.
“I’ll go unlock the shop for you and you can head straight to the doctor. That should give us a good 30 minutes. Come on, my Izzy-bel, let’s see what kind of fun we can have in those extra minutes.” I kissed her again and carried her to the bedroom. Making love to Izzy just because and not because we wanted a baby was a welcomed and sweet distraction.
Thirty minutes later Izzy rushed out the door to her appointment with me promising to open her shop and meet her there. I was about to leave when I saw some paperwork on the table and wondered if it was something she would need at the doctor’s office. Before jumping on my bike, I shot her
a text:
ME: Hey, I grabbed the paperwork on the table. Didn’t know if you needed it or not, but I’ve got it just in case. Love you. Be there in a bit.
After getting the shop open and making sure the morning employee was there and ready to man the place, I hopped on my bike and sped toward the doctor. If I didn’t hit many lights, I should be walking in about the time they called her back. I prayed this would be the day our appointment took a long time; I envied those anxious couples who got called back and stayed to make follow-up appointments for tracking their baby’s progress. We had fought this for five years and for the last year and a half we had partnered with the doctors even though we had been continuing to go with natural conception; every month we went to the doctor for bloodwork and every month they called us back, gave us a quick yet sympathetic negative report, and sent us on our way.
I strolled through the door of the office; none of the ladies behind the desk even blinked an eye at my hair or piercings or tattoos or clothing anymore. Other patients, however, reacted in one of two ways: The first type would ogle me and look like they wanted to lick me from top to bottom. These were usually younger women or very pregnant mothers. I’m guessing the hormones had something to do with both. The second type would crinkle their nose in disgust and quickly try to protect themselves or young children from me. None of this bothered me, it just continued to strengthen my “fuck’em all” attitude.
I glanced around and saw that Izzy wasn’t in the waiting room. “Hi, Lisa, I’m a little late. What room did they take Izzy to?” I smiled at the receptionist and silently chuckled to myself as I watch her blush and stutter around on her words a bit.
