I need a good night’s sleep because tomorrow I get up and do it all over again. We are only opening on Saturdays and Sundays for the wine tourist crowd. So I will get to rest on Monday.
Gentle sexy Rowan is back when I get into the room and he takes me to the bed kissing me softly and setting the butterflies alight with his hands wondering over my still damp body. He is soft and gentle and exactly what I need after today. He touches me and kisses me until I want to beg him to just get on with it, but I don’t instead I savour his touch. The heat that builds between us is overwhelming and I am crazy with need by the time he finally enters me. I don’t last long and I am shattering before I even know it, but so is Rowan. I don’t know how to hold it back, to stop it once it starts I can’t. He pulls me into his chest and I cannot fight the sleep any longer it has been an exhausting day with a perfect ending.
Rowan has somehow managed to take the broken woman that he was supposed to kill and changed me forever into something strong and maybe not fixed or whole but definitely better. Under all that darkness and all those numbers he really does have a heart that loves me. You ask me how I can love a murderer. Easily I just do. He is not just a murderer as I am not just a chef. Those are our jobs, underneath that we are just people. We were born into this dark little world we didn’t choose it. We cannot change who we were born to be, sometimes the bad blood in our veins is stronger than anything that we want. I cannot deny that I feel a new darkness in me since I let myself love this man. A darkness I am not even a little afraid of.
ROWAN
“Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.”
~Edgar Allan Poe
I have spent two weeks with every waking moment devoted to Lauri; it has been the best two weeks of my life. I feel alive when I am with her, but I know I have to go back to work. I actually want to go back; the need in me to do my job is starting to develop into an irritating itch I cannot ignore. I have decided that I will be doing things differently now. I just got no satisfaction from my last job which to me means I no longer have my head in it and that’s when stupid mistakes are made. My satisfaction can be found much closer now; I find it every minute I spend with her. The café is a roaring success and has been fully booked both weekends that it has been open. Lauri comes alive in that kitchen her soul is poured into every single plate of food. I love to watch her working, living and finally being happy. She has stolen my heart that woman, I just realized I had one and she stole it right away from me.
Callum has been too quiet and I am worried about him. He said that his Pop is into some rather shady, well shadier than normal deals and that he was concerned for his safety and pretty much his whole family right now. I don’t really want to know what is going on but feel it in my criminal gut that he is in big big trouble and sooner or later shit will hit the fan. I just hope that shit isn’t my best friend. As drive into the city with my music blaring and my mind floating around I lecture myself. I should have my head in this I need to get my work face on and leave my beating, bleeding heart behind right now. If I go to a job like this I am exposed my face is shown and I am vulnerable. I hate that idea; this job is a big risk to take when you love someone. Lauri becomes a target if they know who I am, if they see me. I change my mind about working today; my victim isn’t anyone who cannot wait until tomorrow to die.
I go to Robin’s house instead I could use a good dose of pain to scratch the itch right now. I cannot explain my need to murder I do honestly believe that even if this were not my job it may just have been my pleasure or hobby. The stinging pain of the tattoo gun seems to be a way to numb my need it transports me to the same place in my mind. Murder was born into me, and then enforced by my father and by Mick for most of my youth. I was meant to be a killer, it was always the plan, some become doctors and lawyers others like me become darker monsters that have other callings. I just don’t know how I can let her love me when I know what lurks in me. I will never stop even if I wanted to I know that I will always do this. I may not do it as much or as often, but unless I want to look like the illustrated man I will always kill.
I park at Robin’s house and as always a smiling Amya lets me in. She is still hot; I’m in love not completely blind. She sends me packing up to the studio after asking how Lauri is doing and reminding me she will be at the Cafe on the weekend again. My friend is in his usual spot staring out over the bay looking at Table Mountain. The cable cars are going up and down the mountain, the fishing boats moving into the harbour and the ferries to Robin Island. No one can complain of a boring view here. He is in his own thoughts and doesn’t hear me come in, so I just take a seat and appreciate the view with him until he notices me.
When Robin’s eye catches me he stands up putting the small photo frame he was holding back on the shelf and turns to greet me. “Sorry I didn’t hear you come in Ro, I was just___,” he doesn’t finish his sentence and I realize I have crashed in on a very bad day I never gave the date any thought. “I’m sorry, I can come back tomorrow. Never mind.” I stand to leave his hand on my shoulder stops me. “No Rowan tomorrow it will be a number, today is just to scratch your itch. I understand.” Robin may know me too well. We come from very similar worlds, only Robin paid his dues and got out a long time ago. “How many years is it today Robin?” I ask him as I slump in his chair and unbutton the white cotton shirt I have on. It was work attire that will no doubt be ruined by blood by the time I get home later on. “Seven.” His reply is short and indicates to me that we will not be having a discussion today. Robin lines up his inks and gets his gun ready, cracking open a fresh sealed needle in front of me as he always does. He snaps on his latex gloves and in no time the buzz of the gun and the sting on my skin take me away I don’t need or want to talk today I just need the escape. He is right I would have gone straight to do the job I just bailed and on the itch was getting too much to ignore after two weeks away. It’s not just the kill you see, I have to stalk and plan and work on each job it keeps my mind busy and I get as much thrill watching a victim as I get in killing them.
Robin seems to be in trance as he works today and I feel guilty for not realizing that today was his “hell” day as we call it in our small family of friends. Robin was a gang cleaner before this; he was the guy who cleaned up the mess the guy who killed, maimed and punished the unwanted. Seven years ago he paid the price to get out, you only get out dead, I am sure you have heard that before. Robin would rather have died, his price was much higher than death his three year old son was murdered in front of him and Amya by someone who wanted to hurt him and send a message so his boss. They let him walk away after that, he wasn’t the same and he earned his free out. Only it wasn’t free. He had paid the ultimate price. Amya hated him for what he was and did and worse for what it had cost them. It nearly broke them both into a thousand pieces; the thing is Amya is not just any pretty girl. Amya comes from our world to, she is Callum’s half-sister, and they share a father. She is one of his Pops many bastards and was sent here so Callum could take care of her. Being family of a drug kingpin and the lover of a gang cleaner means you are currency in this shit hole. After that day she changed her name and cut almost all ties with Callum to keep herself from being a target that could be used to get to him. Robin wanted another child desperately but Amya wont she is afraid that they would become currency in this game of criminal warfare.
You see why I hate drugs, that message was meant for Callum, he was Robin’s boss. You know Lauri may be right someone always has to pay the penance for our sins. I feel like there is a vice grip around my throat right then I realize how true it is. I was currency, Callum too we will all pay the piper eventually. Robin’s needle ripping over my skin does nothing to help the unease that has settled over me lately. I am the murderer and I will pay for my sins. That’s how it works.
Robin stops after two hours and I slip on my shirt without even lookin
g at what he has added to my back. I hug my friend we don’t need words today. I leave him there and go downstairs. Amya is crying at the kitchen table where there is a bunch of flowers that I know are from Callum. I put my hand on her shoulder and she covers it with hers. I turn and leave my friends to grieve; they only allow themselves today and his birthday to be sad. After that they go on with life.
I drive home feeling heavy, my itch is gone but something else entirely has settled in my heart now. I only find relief when Lauri throws her arms around me and kisses me in the kitchen. She stills it all; she can stop and start my heart with a single touch.
LAURI
“I hold a hope in me that the reason we feel so heavy is that we carry a little piece of each other inside us.”
~Christopher Poindexter
Today is my birthday; I died a year ago today. Well Ellia died and Lauri was reborn so to say. So why I am sitting on the deck of my empty restaurant crying my eyes out when my friends will be here to celebrate with me in a few hours. I am sobbing, crying from my soul and I don’t think I can stop. Not yet anyway. I know Rowan will come find me sooner or later and I try to stop, I really do but the tears still flow. He is the reason I am alive, the reason I know what love is, the reason I breathe and the reason I am crying right now. He is the reason for my heart breaking now.
He has been working less and less, the raw red numbers have become fewer and fewer over the last months. He has also been dark and moody every time one does appear. He won’t talk to me about it. I don’t ask anymore. The monster in him is broken and he doesn’t know how to live without it. He cannot let it go but he doesn’t want it. He loves me, he shows me every single day just how much he loves me. I crave his touch more every day, I live to be with him. I miss the monster though, I don’t know how to tell him that, or the reason I’m crying. His monster made me feel safe and secure without the darkness I am not sure who he is, I am afraid of this Rowan because he isn’t in control of himself anymore. I am not sure who I am, I have grown comfortable with the notion of murder, and I do believe it is more in my soul than I want to admit. It appeals to me in the deepest part of my soul, I think I could be every bit as dark as he is. A thought pattern I have been struggling with inside my mind for a while now. I secretly wish I could strangle the life out of another person and I am afraid of what that means for me.
I am afraid I have broken him; he tried so hard to fix me. Even if I haven’t broken him yet I am about to. There is nothing I can do, I am pregnant. After six lives were stolen from me I can honestly say I love this baby more than anything and if he can’t then I will walk away. My tears are flowing again I cannot stop.
I can hear Rowan calling down the drive to me, I know he is coming down here, I know he is going to see me crying I really should stop but I can’t. I am crying for too many things to make it stop now.
I bury my head in my hands and draw my knees to my chest where I am sitting on the floor against the deck railing. I feel Rowan’s presence before he is even next to me; he sinks to the floor next to me and pulls me to him. He holds me for a while not saying anything. His strong arms still my sobs enough that I can breathe a little. He has been acting so strange lately but I can still feel his love in the way he holds me. He kisses the top of my head and then I notice it in his hand. I am such an idiot. He is holding the pregnancy test that I obviously left in the bathroom before I ran down here to try escape it. He knows. My heart sinks and I feel another wave of tears ready to take over my sanity, I cannot believe this has happened.
“You want to talk about it yet?” He asks softly without letting me go, I think he is afraid I will run away right now and the thought has crossed my mind. I shake my head I still need a minute before I can put any of this into words. “Okay sweetheart, we can wait.” I am balling my fists into his T shirt now and I can feel it is soaked with my tears. “I am going to talk sweetheart. I can’t not say anything.” He says softly into my hair. I just nod. “This is okay. You know that right. You know that I won’t take it from you. I would never hurt you or a baby, our baby.” His words kill a little of the anguish and I pull away enough to look into his blue eyes and see that he means what he says. “I am going to be dad.” He whispers putting his forehead again mine, a smile pulling on his lips. “That’s fucking awesome.” He lets out the words in a breath before he kisses me. I start to sob again, he just holds me for a long while before I manage to talk at all.
“Rowan, I am sorry. This wasn’t your plan. I’m sorry. I am so happy right now but I am so worried that I can’t have both of you.” He holds my head between his two strong hands and a smile spreads across his face. I don’t understand. “Lauri, neither of us is going to be going anywhere. Did I ever imagine I would be a father, no? But there are so many other things I never imagined and just look how amazing they have turned out. You have me. I promised I would never hurt you and that promise stands. You don’t get to make me love you then walk away the second you get scared, I won’t let you and I certainly won’t let you take my child away.”
I wonder if he is real, I know he will never let me go, but I worry that a baby will change everything that we have. Rowan kisses me again, this time a little harder this is a staking my claim, possessive kiss reminding me where I am meant to be.
He helps me up so we can get ready for Callum, Robin and Amya to join us for my birthday dinner. I have already prepared the food and we walk back up to the house as the sun sets over the valley behind us. I feel like the cycle of my past is finally over and this is the way my life should always have been. The eight years in between seem like a dream now.
It would take a miracle to erase my blotchy face and puffy eyes from crying but I do my best. Not sure how Rowan will handle this with our friends just yet, I am already at least eleven weeks along if my counting is correct. Yes I am that woman who forgot she missed her period, I was never very regular anyway, the green feeling all the time was what tipped me off. I felt like walking sea sickness for a few weeks already, but denial took over for a while before I dared even do a test. If I didn’t do one it wasn’t real was how my head had been working I didn’t want to face this, to face Rowan’s reaction.
We take the moments of quiet before they all arrive to talk about it, we will go see his doctor tomorrow and get a referral to an OB GYN in the area. Rowan seems genuinely at peace and happy about it. His reaction has surprised me and I am not sure how to feel about it, but by the time our friends arrive my panic is well hidden below the surface.
I am showered with fun gifts and wishes from all three of our friends. We eat our dinner outside in the fresh air and I am having an amazing time. As soon as I take the main meal out of the oven the smell of the fresh roasted lamb shanks turn my stomach and I have to race for the guest loo to relieve my stomach of its contents. Once the nausea has subsided I emerge from the bathroom to find Amya in the kitchen dishing up the food. She takes one look at me and smiles from ear to ear raising her eyebrows at me. Rowan obviously told them, he could have waited for me asshole. “So, a baby. Huh. You ready for that?” She asks me a little more seriously now. “No, but I will be.” Amya laughs at my answer. I know she had a baby boy and that he died no one talks about it, ever. The one time I ever asked about him Rowan and Cal kicked me under the table. “I am happy for you Lauri.” She hugs me before carrying some plates outside. Her voice doesn’t match her expression neither do her words. Somehow I know my friend is not happy about this at all.
They all look at me when I sit causing me to blush bright red. My blush makes them all laugh and we are then showered with congratulations from our family. Rowan and I share a few silent looks and I can see he is still feeling rather overwhelmed by this. He has been a little off all night. No I lie, he has been off for weeks, but tonight he is acting very peculiar I think the baby news is sinking in a little deeper now that it has been admitted out loud.
The men clear the table and head insid
e, it has become a ritual when we all together. Me and Amya sit outside for a while and talk before dessert. Tonight I can see she really wants to talk. “Are you ready to bring a child into this world? I mean their world Lauri… You know it’s different for us.” She asks and I can hear an underlying sadness in her voice. I am not sure why the idea of children is so terrible to her but it very clearly is. “As a child of their world myself I really don’t know. But I want this baby more than I fear the world we exist in. So yes I think I am ready to have a baby.” It’s the truth. I know all too well what can happen to a child in this world Rowan, Callum and I are all testament to what can and does happen. You either join them or you pay the price for them. My child will join them before they ever pay the price I paid.
I see Amya’s body language shift and she leans uncomfortably towards me. “It’s time I tell you my truth Lauri. Your scars are on your body and your soul. Mine, mine are in my heart.” She moves her shirt to reveal a black broken dark visibly aching heart tattooed on her chest it’s the saddest tattoo I have ever seen. “We all have something on our heart Lauri, Rowan’s numbers, yours is a reminder of the pain. Mine is a black hole where my child should be, children in our world will leave you with nothing but pain Lauri. A baby in our circles will only land up being a black hole, living or dead, they either become monsters or get taken away by monsters.” The bitterness and anger in her voice alarms me I have never seen her mad or angry or anything other than happy. The venom with which she speaks of children, I know is an attack on all of us. “Lauri, I am Callum’s half-sister I am one of those black hole babies. My relation to him is something I go to great lengths to keep a secret now.” I am horrified I would never have even guessed ever, their secret is well kept because I never even considered it as a possibility even now I don’t believe it. “When someone wanted to send Callum a message they murdered his nephew in front of me and Robin. Lauri. That’s the world we live in. They will always be monsters and there will always be another bigger badder monster waiting to take their power away and no one cares who lives and dies in between.”
Colour My Ugly Page 23
