“You’re allowed to feel how you feel. Just because it’s only part of your life and now Derek’s, doesn’t mean it’s not important. If it affects you, then it’s important. You’re allowed to dwell. Now, go take a bath, read a book that has nothing to do with work, and think about what you’re going to wear for your night. And, Olivia? I’ll want more details when you’re ready. I love you, babe. And I want to thank you for trusting me enough to tell me this part.”
Olivia whispered her love and hung up, wondering what she was going to do next. She hated feeling out of sorts, hated wondering if she was making the right choices. She’d made the wrong choice years ago, and now she was having to face that once again.
Maybe she’d take that bath and let her mind wander to a book and not the man who crept into her dreams every night. Or maybe she’d dwell again and want to stay in the tub until it was ice-cold and her thoughts wrapped around her until she couldn’t breathe.
With an annoyed sigh at the thoughts and feelings running through her, she went to her bathroom and started her bath. She’d pop on an audiobook and soak and maybe try to get her life together because she needed to make a choice, damn it. It was about time she came clean and told Derek that she knew him beyond their meeting four years ago and exactly how their paths had crossed. He’d hate her, but then again, she couldn’t blame him.
By the time she had her glass of wine and her audiobook going, the tub was full, and she slid into the too-hot water, knowing it would cool quickly. She didn’t have jets, but she could at least soak for an hour or two, and the tub was deep enough to cover her knees and boobs at the same time. It was the best bathtub she could have without going too expensive and fancy, and it was hers. It counted.
With her eyes closed, she tried to just be in the moment and listen to her book. Trying not to worry about what she needed to tell Derek and how that would all go down in the end, however, wasn’t easy. But she tried.
So she let the hot water overheat her skin, let the romance novel on her speakers fill her thoughts, and when she got to an overly steamy part, she slid her hand out of the water, tried her best to dry it, and paused the audio book since she could only think about Derek and his very nice hands right then. He didn’t deserve her thinking about him when she was feeling like this, achy and hot—not until he knew the truth. Yes, she’d made herself come countless times before while thinking of him, but that was when he’d been D, not Derek.
Her Derek.
No, he wasn’t her Derek. He hadn’t been before, and he never would be. And the sooner she got that through her head, the better.
With a sigh, she got out the tub, knowing it wasn’t much use anymore. She’d just lie there thinking about what she couldn’t change and feel like a damn idiot. So she let out the now cooling water, dried off, and grabbed her phone. It was getting late, so she might as well lie in bed and read a book since she usually had one on her tablet and one on her audio app all the time. She was a reader and couldn’t help the fact that she constantly had books surrounding her.
And because she hadn’t slept more than a couple of hours at a time for the past week, she fell asleep with her tablet on her chest and the lights still on. She hadn’t even done her nightly routine, but sleep had taken over.
As did the nightmares.
She had them from time to time and knew she’d never be able to stop them. They always hit her full force when they did come. Sometimes, she was back in the body of her younger self, watching the world shift on its axis without her being able to change her actions. Other times, she was herself as an adult, watching two young girls play in the sunlight, laughing and smiling. Then the shadows would come, and there would be no more laughter, no more smiles.
Only screams.
Only agony.
Only nothingness.
Like the other times she’d had those nightmares, Olivia sat straight up in bed, her body drenched in sweat, tablet crashing to the floor, and the scream tearing from her throat loud enough that anyone near her who was still awake would have been able to hear it.
But there was no one near.
There never was.
Because she was alone. Just like she had to be. Just like she always would be.
And next week when she saw Derek again, she would tell him about her dreams and explain it all. He deserved to know the truth, deserved to know that the woman he’d held in his arms for all this time wasn’t who he thought she was.
After all, he wasn’t who she’d thought he was either.
He was so much more…and that meant it would have to be the end.
Inevitably.
Chapter Six
Just a little more ink, a little more care, and Derek would be done for the day. At least that’s what he told himself after a long-ass day that never seemed to end. He might love his job, but today, he wanted nothing more than to go home and beat the shit out of something so he could let all the raw energy he had swirling inside out.
Tomorrow, he’d see Olivia.
If she showed up.
And he couldn’t think of anything else.
Damn it.
And even though he wanted to see her because he wanted her, he knew it was more than that. He wanted to know more about her, wanted to see if maybe he’d take that chance and see if she could be part of his life. She lived so damn close to him. At first, he’d thought maybe she lived out of town like he did, but now that he knew they lived close to one another and had a few of the same friends, he thought maybe that had to mean something.
He’d spent most of his life trying to help others through their issues, but now he had to work through his own. Because most of that time helping others meant helping his mom. She hadn’t been the same since his sister Stacey died. Hell, he hadn’t been the same and wasn’t sure any of them ever could be again. But his mom had broken completely.
And while he hadn’t been able to piece her back together, he’d tried his hardest, no matter the cost. Then, he’d helped his friends around the shop navigate their relationships as if he had any clue how to connect with another person that way. Before Olivia, he’d had short-lived relationships with women over time, but never anything concrete. He’d never let himself get to that point. He had to be there for his mom and, hell, if he were honest, he’d never wanted to open himself to someone where he might end up losing more of himself in the process. He’d done that before he was old enough to understand what love was, and he hadn’t planned to ever do it again.
But Olivia? Something about her called to him.
Hell, he’d been lying to himself for four years if he ever really thought that going to her one night a month was just because they were good in bed together. Something about her drew him in, and he wanted to know more about what that was. He’d stayed away from anything else that could hurt him for so long, he was afraid he’d missed out on something that was truly important.
He just hoped that she didn’t run away again like the last time.
Or that she showed up at all.
Yeah, he knew where she lived and could get her contact information quickly, but he wouldn’t. That wasn’t their agreement, and he’d already reneged on it once before by going to Austin’s house. He wasn’t going to turn into that creepy stalker that forced himself into her presence. If she wanted him, she’d ask, and he’d be there.
If not?
Well, then, that would fucking suck, and he’d have to figure out what to do about it.
He needed to get out of his head and back onto his work. His client was waiting for him out at his station, and Derek had been standing alone in the back office holding his sketch pad for like ten minutes. If he wasn’t careful, he would fuck up a tattoo, and that wasn’t something he did. Ever.
Hell, that wasn’t something that was allowed in Montgomery Ink.
Austin would beat the shit out of him.
Then Maya would fillet his skin right off.
Okay, so the two of them wouldn’t actually get vi
olent, but getting yelled at, or worse, fired because he had his mind on Olivia and not his job wasn’t something he was keen on trying.
Even as he made his way out of the office, Austin was there with one brow raised and his mouth set in a firm line under that big-ass beard of his.
“You okay?” his boss asked, his arms folded over his chest as he leaned against the wall nearest the office. On the other side of the wall was where they had the private room for piercings and clients who wanted privacy. Maya was in there with a client getting a full thigh piece at the moment, so Derek was glad it was Austin who was in front of him and not her.
He, like any sane individual, was a little scared of Maya Montgomery-Gallagher.
“I’m fine. Just needed to clear my head. Jason still waiting on me?”
Austin nodded. “The guy has his book out and is zoning. You don’t usually take long breaks like some of us need to for our aging backs, so what’s really happening inside that head of yours?”
Derek shook his head. “Let me finish up on Jason first.”
“Then you’ll tell me exactly what’s wrong? Because we don’t like seeing you like this. I didn’t ask what happened when you went over to Olivia’s, and I’m still feeling a little like I crossed a line. She’s our friend, too, and from what I’ve seen, she doesn’t have a whole lot of those around her.”
Derek muttered a curse but nodded. “Yeah, I get that. And I don’t know what’s going on with us, but I’m hopefully seeing her tomorrow.”
Austin’s eyes narrowed. “It’s been a month, then?”
“I just hope to hell she shows up.”
Austin reached out and gripped Derek’s shoulder, giving it a tight squeeze. “If it’s meant to be, she will. She’s quiet sometimes but has a great sense of humor and wit. Just like you. I can see the two of you together, so I hope it works out. Just don’t fucking hurt her, okay? Because it’s not going to be Maya or even me who kicks your ass if you do.”
Derek winced. “Sierra?”
“My wife has been trying to get Olivia to join the Montgomery girls’ club for over a year now, and I’m pretty sure she’s not going to take no for an answer again. And once Olivia is part of the core group? Well then, you’ve got the whole lot of them on your tail. And Sierra can take a man down if she has to. Believe me.”
Derek let out a sigh, nodding. “Understood. I don’t want to hurt Olivia.”
“Then make sure you know exactly what you want when you see her again. Because she deserves that. Got me?”
“I get you,” he mumbled, then shouldered past so he could focus on his job and not his love life. Love life? Hell, did he love her? No, he didn’t think he could, not when he didn’t know enough about her to form that kind of opinion. But he liked her. A lot. And not just because of how they were together in bed. He wanted to know more about her, more about what they could be.
And maybe that was an answer in itself.
He didn’t want to be the one fleeing, and that meant he sure as hell hoped she didn’t want to run away either.
By the time he got home, he was still on edge, but at least he didn’t need to head down to the basement for his punching bag. He’d gotten a lot of stress out of his system by just doing his job and making sure the final product on Jason’s skin was flawless. That had been their third session on the full right shoulder and sleeve, and while they might have to meet up in another month to make sure they had every angle perfect once the swelling went down, he and Jason were both happy with the results.
Of course, thinking about meeting up with Jason after a month only made him think about seeing Olivia tomorrow, and the next month, and the one after that. Only Derek didn’t think he’d be able to wait a month between visits anymore. He wanted to know her, wanted her in his life, and that meant he needed to see her for more than a few hours when the moon was high in the sky.
It would be a big change going from what they had to what he wanted, but that was what happened in relationships. Things progressed. Theirs hadn’t for so long because they’d made sure they had their rules. But what if their so-called rules had been shit to begin with? It seemed to him that they’d only implemented them to keep each other at a distance, and not just for the fun they thought they had.
He knew why he kept her at a distance, and it had to do with protecting himself. But why did she keep him at arm’s length? And what did she need to tell him? She’d been so damn cryptic and seemingly worried, and because he was an asshole and had kissed her instead of listening, he hadn’t been able to hear what she had to say. It was his fault, he knew, but he would hear her out, would listen like he should have—tomorrow night.
Derek let out a groan just thinking about her, and all that excess energy came rushing back in a hard wave. But instead of anger, it went straight to his cock, and he knew if he didn’t get some release, he’d feel as if he were going to burst.
Since he was alone and didn’t have any other plans except to sit and wallow over Olivia, he lifted his ass off the couch, undid his jeans to slide them down a bit, and fisted the base of his cock.
He shifted slightly so he could get a better hold, then slowly slid his hand up and down his length. Since he didn’t have any lotion or lube near, he spit into his hand to help him glide easier, then rested his head back on the couch, slowly and methodically running his hand over his dick. He let himself imagine Olivia doing the same to him, her eyes on him, wide and dark as she took him in hand, being gentle at first before squeezing hard and fondling his balls. At that thought, he picked up the pace, imagining himself fucking her tits, then leaning back as she licked and sucked down his cock. She was so damn good with her hands and her tongue. Usually, he was the one who took control in bed, even when she went down on him, but sometimes, she was the one with all the control, and if he was honest with himself, even with him leading her, she was always the one with the power.
And he damn well liked that.
With that thought and the idea of him sinking into her wet heat in mind, he came into his hand with a wet rush and did his best to come on his shirt rather than around his living room like a heathen. Thankfully, he had decent aim, even when he was losing himself in thoughts of Olivia.
As reality began to sink in, he rolled up his shirt a bit and then stripped it off from behind, doing his best not to spread his mess around. He was alone in his house, masturbating on his couch to the thoughts of a woman he wanted in his life while he was pretty sure she wanted to run again.
He’d officially hit another version of his rock bottom.
By the time he’d put his shirt in the washer along with his jeans and the rest of his clothes from the hamper and washed up, he was annoyed with himself. He put on some gym shorts, not bothering with underwear since he wasn’t planning to go anywhere, and walked into the kitchen for a beer. That’s when the phone in his pocket buzzed that familiar tone once again, and he gritted his teeth, knowing this call wouldn’t be good. None of them had been recently, but there was nothing he could do about it except listen and try to be a good son.
His mom had always loved Stacey more than she did him. It was a fact he’d never gotten out of his head, but he’d learned to live with it long ago.
“Mom.”
“I hate myself.”
Jesus. He hated himself too because all he wanted to do was hang up and try to get her to go and get help again. Only she wouldn’t, and he was all she had left, so he’d never do that to her, even if it took a little sliver of his soul with each passing day and every call she made.
But she was his mother, and he was going to do his best by her, even if it wasn’t enough.
Was it any wonder that he wanted to shield himself from anyone else that could get too close for too long? He already had enough on his plate as it was.
“Mom.” He tried to keep his voice patient. He was always so patient with her. He loved his mother and would continue to until the end of his days and perhaps even beyond that, but she took e
very ounce of his energy at times.
She deserved so much more, though, and that was something he needed to remember.
She’d been through hell and had clawed her way back out, bloody and broken, only to be kicked again when Dad left.
Derek was all she had left, and yet he felt as if he wasn’t enough. He couldn’t blame himself for it, though; she’d tried hard for too long and now she just was who she was, a shadow of her former self, with hardly a resemblance to the woman who used to cut up his and Stacey’s sandwiches into little hearts and other shapes for school then eat the leftover pieces herself since she hated wasting food.
“Derek. I’m tired.”
He leaned against the counter, giving himself a moment before he went to put on clothes and grab his keys. He always went to her when she needed him, and every time around a holiday, anniversary, or birthday, she got worse. They were a couple of months away from a trigger, but she was still having a bad day. It was obvious. He hated this for her and knew that no matter how much help he tried to get her, how much help he tried to give her, it might not ever be enough.
“I know, Mom. I know. What can I do?”
“Nothing. There’s nothing anyone can do. I hate this, Derek. Why can’t everything go back to how I need it to? Why did it all have to change?”
“I’m sorry, Mom. There’s nothing I can say to make it better. Nothing I can say ever makes it better. But I’m here. And if you need me, I’ll sit with you right now.”
She let out a long sigh that went straight to his heart. “I’m sorry for calling. I don’t need you. I just need my family back.”
He was her family, too, but he didn’t say that. Instead, he listened in silence for a few more moments before she hung up on him, then he took his phone to his room and changed into a pair of jeans and a clean shirt. He quickly stuffed his clothes from the washer into the dryer since he’d used the quick cycle and then grabbed his keys and headed to his car.
Inked Nights Page 6
