I had to blend in somehow as I tried to figure out how to get back to 2002. Charlie was already suspicious that something was off about me, and Lou was absolutely no help at all. I quietly collected as much information as I could. I tried again to ask Charlie about how we’d met. But when she eyeballed me like she was one second away from calling the closest psychiatric hospital, I changed the subject.
When I wasn’t at work or in class, I spent most of my time in the library. My first thought was to use the computer to search for information. I should’ve known there’d be a problem when the librarian said I’d have to reserve it in advance. When I went back the next day and walked past the dozens of students clacking away on typewriters, I was shocked to see only three computers. To make matters worse, it didn’t work. No matter how hard I slapped the bulky monitor, the only thing that showed up was a flashing green bar. A guy with thick glasses sitting next to me took pity and told me to stick in my floppy first. When I’d asked what a floppy was, he rolled his eyes and waved a large square plastic thing at me.
There went that plan.
I gave up on my brilliant idea to do a computer search and walked aimlessly up and down the aisle, wondering what to do next. I lucked out when I ran across shelves filled with telephone books from major cities across the US.
I heaved out a copy of the Manhattan white pages and sat at a table most of the morning searching through it. It didn’t take long to find not only my parents’ number, but Greg’s parents’ too. If I remembered Mom’s stories about their earlier days in their careers correctly, they still lived in the East Village and hadn’t “made” it yet.
Even after I’d gotten the numbers, I still kept going back to the library. To be honest, I had hoped to run into Jax. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It was so strange how I could have that same magnetic draw to him that I had to Cooper. Yet, they were so different. I was dying to know if Cooper was a relative. At the same time, maybe it was better that I didn’t know.
Saturday finally came, and it was unusually slow at Magic. I leaned over the counter, fiddling with the paper that had the two phone numbers written on it, my parents’ and Greg’s. I didn’t know why I wanted to call Greg’s parents. Greg was a baby. I guess it was because I missed him so much that I wanted to feel close to him somehow.
As for my parents, calling them would probably hurt me more than make me feel better. I swallowed a sob as I thought of what a disappointment I’d been to them.
Then it hit me. Maybe this was why I’d come back in time. Maybe somehow I could change things between my parents and me.
I drummed my fingers on the counter. Even if I did call, what would I say? “Hi, I’m your grown up daughter from the future. Please don’t screw up my life. Love me for who I am when you make it big. Oh, and please keep your sister, Bernadette, in my life. I love my aunt.”
I eyed the payphone hanging on the wall near the entrance. I couldn’t call collect. I wondered how many quarters I’d need.
“Nicole, you can take off early. I doubt if business is going to pick up today,” Lou said.
“Great! Thanks.” I placed the last pair of skates I’d cleaned back onto the shelf. “Uh, Lou. How much would it cost to make a long distance call on the payphone?”
“Don’t know.” He scratched the top of his head. “If you make it quick, you can use this one.” He pulled a black phone from the underneath the counter and plopped it in front of me.
“Thanks, Lou.”
When he left, I picked up the receiver. My fingers hovered over the buttons, undecided as to who to call first. Taking in a slow pull of air, I punched in the numbers and waited.
“Hello?”
I bit my tongue at the sound of my mother’s soft voice. It’d been so long since I’d heard it and I found myself missing her even more than I thought I would.
“Hello? Who is this?”
There was so much I wanted to tell her. I wanted to tell her I loved her and I hoped she loved me too, to never leave me alone, that I needed her, I’ve always needed her. I wanted to tell her that I was doing well in college, that I was smart and someone that she could be proud of. I wanted to tell her all that, but deep inside I knew she wouldn’t believe me. She’d slam down the phone and cut me off like she always did when it came to me.
A tear slid down my cheek as I fought back the words that had been lodged in my chest for years.
“Mamma. Mamma. Mamma.”
My breath caught at the sound of a toddler in the background. It was me! It had to be. I didn’t think it was possible. How could I be here and there?
“Not now, Nicole.” My mother’s voice clipped with impatience. “Can’t you see I’m on the phone? Paul, will you get her?”
“I’m in the middle of Rachmaninoff’s number two in B-flat minor, Elizabeth. You know how difficult that sonata is for me.” My father’s voice rumbled in the background. “You get her.”
There was a loud huff and then muffled movements. The click sliced through me, leaving me breathless. My chest heaved with sobs as I stupidly continued to hold onto the receiver, listening to the dial tone.
It was a mistake. I should’ve never called them. Fumbling with the receiver, my hands shook as I hung up the phone and gathered my things. I needed to get away.
I rushed out of Magic, gulping in the fresh air as soon as I stepped out. Leaning against the wall, I pressed a hand against my throbbing chest.
What had I expected? This was nothing new. I’d lived with parents like that for my entire life. But hearing my three-year-old self crying for attention was too much. It had hit me hard. They didn’t care about me. I never had a chance with them. No matter what I tried to do to please them, they would never love me like they loved their music and the limelight. Did they ever love me?
I closed my eyes and visions of Greg and Rainbow flitted through my mind. They loved me. Greg had always been by my side and so had Rainbow. In her own way, my aunt had looked over me, even if from afar. They were my family. It was them I wanted to get back to. Somehow, someway, I’d find my way back to them.
“It’s your turn, Ethel!”
My eyes flew open. Across the street, Caroline hung upside down from the highest point inside the jungle gym holding her Cabbage Patch doll by its feet.
I scanned the park, looking for Jax. He was nowhere in sight.
Worried, I quickly brushed my tears and dashed to the park. “Caroline! Be careful!”
“Hi, Nicole.” She beamed. “Wanna play with me and Ethel?”
“Where’s Jax? Your mom?”
She stilled and her face fell. Slowly, she pulled herself up and climbed down.
“They’re not here.” Long lashes brushed against her freckled cheeks as she studied the ground. With the tip of her tennis shoe, she scraped the sand near the dome. “I’m not supposed to be here.”
“We need to get you back home. They’ll be worried about you.”
Keeping her head down, she took hold of my hand as we walked to the cluster of trailers behind the park.
“Which one is it?” I asked when we neared the first trailer.
“The last one over there.” She pointed to a small white rundown trailer sitting at the dead-end of the street. “You won’t tell on me and Ethel, will you?”
I squatted down until we were at eye level. “You know it’s dangerous to play in the park by yourself.”
“I guess so. But no one ever wants me to have any fun.” She pouted.
“Of course Jax and your parents want you to have fun. It’s just no one wants to see you or Ethel get hurt. Do you understand?”
She nodded. “Don’t tell Jax I was bad. He’ll be sad again.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want him to go away.” Her lips quivered. “Daddy said he’ll make Jax go away.”
I felt a shiver at her words. Maybe I misunderstood what she was saying. It didn’t make sense that Jax’s father would send him away for being sad. Th
en again, I was an expert when it came to dismissive parents. It broke my heart to think that Jax and Caroline had the same type of parents.
“When did you hear that?”
“When Daddy started yelling at Mommy.”
The moment the words left her mouth, an angry voice roared from the trailer followed by Jax’s yells.
Caroline shrank close to me. Her face scrunched as if she was about to cry. She covered Ethel’s ears. “It’s okay, Ethel. They’re just talking really loud.”
Then she turned and buried her head into my stomach, mumbling to herself. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
I was about to take Caroline back to the park when Jax stormed out of the trailer.
“Jax!” A woman with blond hair chased after him.
“I don’t want to hear it, Mom,” he snapped. “I don’t understand you. Why do you stay with that . . . that asshole?”
“He’s your father. Show him a little respect. He’s just hurting.”
“Then he should act like a father.”
“Jax, please . . .”
“No, Mom! I can’t respect someone who drinks down half your paycheck then pukes all over his daughter’s new school clothes. He can barely get himself out of bed without your help. If it weren’t for you working two shifts, we’d have no way to pay the bills. And if you’d only let me quit school, I can take on more work.”
“No. I won’t hear of it. You’ll stay in college and—”
The woman’s sad blue eyes shifted to me. Her faced flushed a bright pink when she spotted me holding tightly to Caroline, who was sobbing softly into my stomach.
Chapter Five
I’d read the first line of the chemistry chapter at least twenty times. Nothing was sinking in. Jax sat across from me. Messy brown hair fell over his eyes as he stared at the textbook. He’d been on the same page for the last hour too.
He had to be embarrassed that I’d witnessed his family drama. It was written all over his handsome face when he’d given me a nervous smile. He barely got the words out when he introduced me to his mother, Julie.
Mrs. Reynolds was as kind as she could be, thanking me profusely for bringing Caroline back. Even after I murmured to Jax that we could study another time, she immediately ran into the trailer and tossed his backpack to him.
She’d said she and Caroline had a movie date and that they’d be fine. I watched Jax as he’d looked from his mom and sister and then to me, obviously torn. Before he could say another word, his mother whisked Caroline into the car and drove off, leaving Jax gawking after them. We walked silently to campus; neither of us had said a word since.
“Jax, if you want to leave, I understand,” I said, breaking the silence. “I don’t know how much I could help you anyway.”
Sapphire eyes darted up to meet mine. “Don’t do that.”
I shrunk back, surprised by his tone. It was as if he was mad at me.
“Do what?”
“Put yourself down that way. You sound like . . .” he paused and his handsome face twisted with realization, “like my mother. I’m sorry, Nicole. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“I know,” I said softly. I didn’t know what to say to take away the obvious torment on his face. And it was more than being embarrassed by me barging in on his family drama.
“It’s just . . . I don’t understand why a woman who’s so beautiful and smart could think so little of herself and could . . .”
“Could what?” He wasn’t talking about me. The pain in his voice was too deep. My hand drifted to his. I wanted so much to soothe the hurt on his face.
The moment I placed my hand over his, he stiffened and his face twisted. It was as if I was hurting him. When I pulled away, he took hold of my hand, holding it tight, as if bracing himself.
“He’s killing her, and there isn’t anything I can do about it.”
The room grew still for a moment as what he’d said sank in. We hardly knew each other, and yet here he was opening his heart to me. I racked my brain searching, for the right words, for an answer, something to help him.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to drag you into this.” He leaned back into his chair and slapped the text in front of him. “Let’s talk potentiometric titration. Can’t get more exciting than that.”
“No.” I closed his book. I knew what it felt like to think you were alone with no one who could understand where you were coming from. If it hadn’t been for Greg, I’d still feel like that.
“I want to hear what you have to say. Tell me,” I said.
“You barely know me. And you definitely don’t want to know about my crazy family. If I tell you my deepest darkest secrets now, I won’t have any scary campfire stories left. And I know Caroline will want me to invite you to a campfire party soon.”
His forced smile didn’t touch his eyes.
“I know that you care about your sister and that you’re protective of her and your mom. I know that you’re funny and sweet. See, I know you. And I don’t scare easily. I know crazy parents.”
Parents who barely cared if you’re alive.
He studied me for a moment, as if gauging whether or not to tell me. Then slowly, his smile fell as his face grew serious. He gazed down at his textbook, nervously flicking the corner with his thumb as he spoke.
“My father started drinking when he lost his job a few years ago. It was around the same time Caroline was born. Whatever money my mom brings in, the old man basically drinks it away. I try to help her as much as I can, but with classes and taking care of Caroline, I barely bring in enough to cover rent. And lately, she’s been sick. I know she is. She hardly eats. She tries to hide it by saying she’s on a diet. But she’s so thin. I know something’s wrong. She won’t go to the doctor because she says we can’t afford it. We could if I worked full time. And whenever I tell her that, she gets upset and cries. The old man already makes her miserable, and I don’t want make her feel worse than she already does. I tried to get him to get off his lazy ass and take care of her. That’s what we were arguing about when you came.”
He looked up, his eyes searching mine intently for an answer.
“Why do women do that, Nicole? Why does she put up with him? She’s better than he is. A thousand times better. Did you know she was salutatorian of her high school? She had a scholarship to UCLA. And she was going to go too. She was going to leave this town until she found out she was pregnant and—”
He paused, his face growing pale.
“What is it?” I asked.
“It was me. It was my fault.”
The hurt in his eyes washed over me. His words were a familiar echo of my own. I’d always taken the blame for my own parents not loving me. I wasn’t going to stand for it.
I took his hands into mine. “You listen to me. It’s not your fault. I’m sure if your mother were here she’d say the same thing.”
“She could’ve had more if I didn’t exist.”
“She wanted you, Jax. That’s what parents do. They love their children and sacrifice . . . sacrifice . . .” My throat swelled as I thought of what I wished my own parents would’ve done for me, “Sacrifice themselves for their children.”
“Hey. Don’t cry.” He dashed around the table to sit beside me. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
I shook my head, unable to speak. I sobbed into my hands. I don’t know how the conversation had turned from his family to mine. This was so messed up.
“I shouldn’t have spilled out my family’s crazies to you.” Lifting my chin, he cupped my face and brushed my cheeks with his thumbs. “At least not until the fifth date. Maybe the fourth.”
I giggled and he dropped his hands to his side, laughing with me.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I guess today was tough for the both us. You have your family to deal with and I have mine.”
“Do you have a raving alchie in your family too? I suspected there’d be a least one bacon addict.” He grinned.
I laughed. How could he
make me laugh like that? Only Greg had been able to get make me feel better after I’d had a run-in with my parents.
I paused, wondering how much to share with him. I wanted to. I gazed into open blue eyes that waited to hear what I had to say.
Would he know who my parents were? They weren’t famous yet. But in a few years, when their faces were spread across the front pages and their performances were televised at Carnegie Hall, would his knowledge about them mess up the future?
“Their careers are really important. They’re concert pianists so they practice all the time and take on any gigs they can get their hands on. I was pretty much raised by nannies. Sometimes I think they forget they have a daughter.”
Or maybe even wish they never had one.
“You must’ve been adopted,” he said.
“What makes you say that?”
“Because someone as intelligent and breathtaking as you couldn’t possibly come from a pair of idiots. It’s biologically impossible. I should know. I had enough AP science credits to skip freshman bio.”
He placed a hand on the back of my chair and leaned in. He was so close I could feel his warm breath on my face. My breathing accelerated as his eyes wandered leisurely over my face then paused, lingering on my lips.
“Beautiful,” he whispered.
I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to forget everything that happened today: the sound of my mother’s voice annoyed at three-year-old me and the droning dial tone after she hung up. All I wanted was Jax and to feel his lips on mine.
My lips parted as he ducked his head closer. My heart thudded wildly against my chest when his lips brushed feather light against mine.
Then I froze.
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let him kiss me. Something deep inside me whispered that I’d fall for him if I did. I couldn’t fall for him. This thing between us couldn’t go any further than friendship. It wouldn’t be fair to him or me. I wasn’t staying. I was leaving as soon as I could figure out how to get back to 2002.
Clearing my throat, I pulled back and reached down for my backpack, ignoring the confused expression on Jax’s face. “What time is it? I promised Charlie I’d give her a ride to the Mondale-Ferraro headquarters tonight.”
Your Gravity: Part Two Page 3
