He had sought out a mother for them, had brought her here. She was not an unrelated person he could keep on the sidelines. She was integral to his family.
He needed her.
He thought of Millie as being a person who needed safety and reassurance, but Adam was the exact same. He wanted more than a mother for his children. He wanted a partner. Out there. On his farm. But he was afraid Millie would see his need and refuse to stay by his side. That she would feel stifled or trapped. That she would be Sarah. Again.
Yes, Adam needed Millie to have the life he wanted. The companionship he was craving. That meant he needed to start doing his part. But how could he connect with his wife and build the foundation for a strong partnership without risking his heart again?
Chapter Four
To Do:
Learn about drought
Find time to knit more—figure out how to sell the items
Come up with a way to hide part of my knitting proceeds without Adam noticing
Check crops—see if they look dry
Check cattle—see if they look thirsty
Learn what not dry crops look like
Learn what not thirsty cattle look like
Talk to Edith? Is she worried?
Find out if Adam has savings
“What are you working on?”
Millie quickly put down her pencil and closed her notebook. Too late she realized that was acting like someone guilty of, well, something. Great. Adam was going to think she was plotting his demise if she didn’t figure out how to be less secretive.
But, she couldn’t help it. Her notebook was hers. Her lists were hers. They had always been the one thing that had belonged entirely to her. The matron and other kids at The Home had often taken her belongings. One of the first rules of surviving in that place was to not get too closely attached to things. Various items were there for her to use, but they were temporary. They were not hers.
Except for her notebook and lists. No one had ever been interested in taking them away from her. Honestly, most children tried to avoid things related to writing. To school. So, her notebook had been safe.
And now Adam was asking her about it and she was acting like a lunatic.
“It’s just a notebook.” Despite her best effort, the note of defensiveness was obvious in her tone.
“What do you write in it?”
If Adam was accusing her of something, he was hiding it well. He sounded curious. Just curious. Millie didn’t know what to make of that. They had been married for a month, and had seemed to settle into a nice routine where he left her alone as much as possible and she did the same. They spoke as needed to ensure the smooth running of the household. And they put on a good show of friendliness for the children.
Except, it wasn’t really a show. Their companionship was real. It was just distant. A kind of separated friendship that suited Millie perfectly.
So, why was Adam suddenly asking her about her notebook?
It was early evening. Supper had been eaten. The kitchen cleaned. Caty with her dolls and Genie with his blocks were happily playing in front of the fire. Adam was sitting in a rocking chair, watching the children and joining in with their chatter.
And Millie was at the table with her notebook. Looking at what she had accomplished today and planning for tomorrow.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. I was just wondering. You spend every night sitting over there writing, and it made me curious.”
Adam’s voice was not accusatory, but the way he said “over there” caught Millie’s attention. It was like she was in the next county. She wasn’t even in the next room, for pity’s sake. She was right there. In the same room.
Was he unhappy with her behavior? Did he want something else?
“It’s not a secret. I just make lists in here.”
“Lists?”
“Yes. Lists. You know. I write down things I want to do so I don’t forget.”
Adam was looking at her like she was a crazy person. Great.
“I know it’s weird, but I like to write down my to-do list and then cross the things off.”
Adam looked at the kids. Genie was still banging his blocks, making growly noises and giggling at his own antics. Caty had a doll and brush in her hands, but she wasn’t playing anymore. Instead, she was watching them with worried eyes. She had probably picked up on the same undercurrent that Millie noticed.
“I don’t think it’s weird at all. I can’t tell you how many times I wish I had written something down.” Adam began rocking again and the tension left the room. Caty started brushing her doll’s hair again.
Millie looked down at her closed notebook. Every part of her body wanted to open it back up and start writing again. Review what she had already written. But she forced her hands to stay where they were.
Millie couldn’t stay at the table with her notebook and not review what was inside. That was just asking too much. She stood and walked to where Genie was playing on the ground with his blocks. He grinned at her, all teeth and mischief. He held a block up to her, and Millie took it and sat down next to him.
She ran her thumb over the smooth wood, wondering how something so simple could be so absolutely entertaining to a little boy. Genie reached out and stilled her hand, positioning it so she was holding the block in just the right position. Then he picked up a block with his own hand and proceeded to bang his block into her block. He giggled like this was the most fun he had ever had in his life.
Millie held her block still and played along, resisting the urge to hug this child with every bit of her strength. Wherever he was, whatever he had, this little boy found a way to be happy. Millie had never been like that, not even as a child. She swallowed hard, trying to ease the tension in her throat and the regrets in her mind. Then, she just played with the little boy God had brought into her life.
The rest of the evening passed quickly. Children were put in nightclothes. Prayers were said. Covers were tucked, and lamps were blown out.
Millie followed Adam out of the children’s room, fully intending to head to her own bedroom. That had been the routine for the past month, and it was one Millie enjoyed. She would have some time alone before heading to bed. Time where she could open her notebook back up and finish planning for the days ahead.
“Millie?”
She stopped about a foot outside her doorway and freedom. Millie turned her eyes back to where Adam was waiting behind her in the family room. “Yes?”
“Would you stay out here tonight? For a little bit?”
Millie wanted to hide in her room. She wanted a closed door and time to think. She was still processing her thoughts about a drought, and needed to work on her list of questions to get answered. Once she had answers, she could work on a plan for if they lost all the crops.
But, Millie could not tell Adam no. He was her husband. And his request was not unreasonable. Presumably, he had some reason for wanting her to stay and talk with him.
Millie nodded her consent and walked toward the kitchen, intending to take her familiar place at the table.
“Maybe we could sit in front of the fire?”
Millie froze. Sit in front of the fire? While there were two rocking chairs positioned there, they had never sat together in them. Millie had used her chair to knit during the day. Sometimes in the evening if Adam was still out working. But, never while he was home and sitting in his chair.
The two of them. Rocking together in front of a fire while children were soundly sleeping. That was too much. It seemed too much like...something she couldn’t really name.
“Please? I just want to talk to you.”
Adam’s tone was one he used with a scared animal. Was that how he saw her? Did he think she was weak? Helpless? Millie felt anger surge u
p. It was a ridiculous reaction to his obvious kindness, but the anger was there nonetheless.
Millie managed to not stomp as she headed for the rocking chair. She did not, however, manage to sit down calmly or gracefully. Instead, she almost huffed down into the chair.
Then the chair rocked.
Then she felt the world spin.
Then that spinning landed in her stomach, which lurched with nausea.
Millie planted her feet to stop the chair from its incessant motion. She closed her eyes and counted the ways she could manage to further embarrass herself this evening. Nope. There weren’t any more. That was reassuring at least.
Millie kept her eyes closed when she felt Adam crouch down in front of her. His warm hands picked hers up from her lap. She could smell him. Dirt shouldn’t be an appealing smell, but it was somehow on this man. He loved the earth and often carried its scent with him through his day.
“Is it passing?”
Millie smiled. She simply couldn’t help herself. She’d gone from fury to amusement in seconds. Alternating between strong emotions had been a constant pattern in her life for months now. Whether it was the baby or the man, Millie had no clue. But, she really hoped it was the baby. Her pregnancy would eventually end, and she prayed the turbulent emotions currently ruling her behavior would end with it.
Millie opened her eyes and saw exactly what she expected. Adam kneeling in front of her, looking both amused and concerned. But, mainly amused. At least he wasn’t upset by her not-so-subtle tantrum.
Adam squeezed her hands and smiled back at her. That smile moved Millie’s attention from her stomach to the ping in her heart. She had not married Adam for his looks. In fact, she had no clue what he looked like until the day before their wedding.
But, there was no denying that she had married a handsome man. His black hair and dark eyes were hard to ignore. Those striking looks were only magnified by his grin with the hint of mischief that Genie had clearly inherited. Both Beale men were easy on the eyes and trouble through and through. And, Millie found that she had as hard a time resisting Adam as she did Genie when he wanted something.
“Do you feel better? I wanted to talk to you, but I understand if you need to go to bed.”
Oh, that option was beyond tempting. But, hiding from problems had never made them disappear. “I’m fine now, Adam. I just sat down too fast.”
His lips twitched, but Adam didn’t point out that she had done a bit more than sit too fast. He stood and headed for his own chair. He positioned it across from her, moving it slightly closer than it had been before. Adam sat, looking at the floor for several never-ending seconds. One of the things Millie liked the most about Adam was his predictability and tendency to do things in a routine manner. But this felt anything but predictable or routine.
Adam breathed out a long, audible breath. Her own breath caught in her throat when he lifted his head and looked at her.
* * *
Knowing what he wanted and making it happen had never been a problem for Adam. He wasn’t afraid of hard work. He wasn’t even intimidated by the prospect of waiting for results. No. He could work and be patient. Deal with setbacks. Adam’s life had been one big exercise in following those principles and getting results.
Until now.
Adam wasn’t dealing with uncultivated land, a struggling seedling or a wild animal.
This was a relationship with a woman. His wife. And he had no idea how to build the relationship he wanted with her. Adam usually trusted his instincts, but they had led him wrong down this very same road. Not that long ago, either.
So here he was. Sitting in front of a fire with the woman he had married. Two people rocking because it was the polite thing to do, both wanting to get up and run far away.
Millie was turning out to be an excellent mother for his children. Truly, he could not imagine a woman caring for Caty and Genie any better than she did. More than caring for them, she was nurturing them. Loving them even. But, Adam wanted more.
He wanted a partner. He wanted to be part of the cozy little family Millie was creating inside the house he’d built. Adam wasn’t looking for romantic love, but the fields that used to bring him joy were starting to feel like banishment.
He actually found himself wishing Millie was with him throughout the day, or that he could go to her without feeling like he was intruding. He wanted another adult to share his life with. Their life. Once he realized what he wanted, he was willing to do what it took to make more happen. If only he knew what to do.
“Are you happy, Millie?”
She stopped rocking, and seemed to almost freeze. Apparently, he had a talent for catching this woman so off guard that she turned into a statue. That wasn’t a talent Adam relished, but it seemed about right given his relationship with women in general.
“Uh, Millie?” He sounded foolish, but what else was he supposed to say?
Millie closed her mouth and blinked, and Adam felt the pressure in his chest lessen as she came back to life. She blushed, and Adam tried not to notice how pretty it looked on her cheeks.
“Am I happy? I don’t understand.”
The bewildered tone made Adam’s heart ache. She sounded absolutely stunned that her husband would care about her happiness. Had nothing in her life led her to expect that her happiness would be a concern? Of importance?
Adam leaned farther forward, resting his forearms on the tops of his thighs. They had been living as strangers for a month. It had gone nicely, too. But, he wanted more than that for his children, including the one currently growing in Millie’s womb. Not love. No, Adam had learned that lesson well. But, friendship. Companionship. A sense of shared purpose surely wasn’t too much to ask for, was it? That was the goal, and Adam was ready to do the work.
“It’s been a month. I just want to know how you feel about things here. Are you happy with the house? The children? Your day-to-day life?” With me? He didn’t say the last part, but Adam’s heart whispered it.
“I’m happy here?”
“That sounded more like a question than a reply. There isn’t a right answer. I know things have been overwhelming. You left the city and came to a new state. You came to a new house. You’re living with three strangers, two of whom are children.”
Millie’s eyes were wide and fearful. She had scooted forward in her rocking chair and was perched on the edge, almost as though she was preparing to flee. If Adam’s goal was to put Millie at ease around him, he was failing.
“I’m messing this up.” No need to hide it, his inability to have a simple conversation with his wife was completely and utterly obvious. “It’s not a test. I’m not angry or upset with you—and I won’t be, no matter what you tell me. If you’re not happy, I want to know so that I can try to fix it. We’re married, and I want us both to work together to build a good life. For Caty and Genie. And the baby. That child you’re carrying is mine. In every way that counts, that child will be mine to love and care for and provide for. And, I’m excited. I want to share in every moment.”
Statue Millie was back. Well, at least statues couldn’t run away.
“But, it’s not just about the children. It’s also for us. We count, too. I want both of us to be happy. I believe we still agree that we don’t want a romantic relationship. But, I feel like we are still strangers. We’ve lived together as a family for a month, and you and I don’t know each other.” Adam swallowed and looked at his hands. Might as well say it all. It certainly couldn’t make things more awkward. “I get lonely sometimes. I’d like to know you as a friend. Not as the nice woman living in my house and caring for my children who is practically a stranger.”
“Um, okay.”
Yeah, her mouth might have agreed with his proposal, but her tone certainly didn’t. And neither did the way she was still perched on the edge of that chai
r like she was ready to bolt at any moment. But, Adam would take what he could get. Go slow. Easy.
The Adam of years ago would never have put himself in such a position. No. That Adam had assumed that such work was unnecessary to sustain a strong marriage. Once married, a husband and a wife were one until death they did part. Why put energy into such a relationship? It was a foregone conclusion that the other person would be there.
Until it wasn’t. His first wife had proven with tragic competency that Adam couldn’t just assume Millie would stay and keep up her end of the bargain if she was unhappy.
Adam felt like this conversation was a foot deep in the thickest mud the prairie had to offer. But, he’d wanted to go down this road, so now was the time to follow through. “Great.”
They sat and stared at each other for several long seconds. Not great.
“Did your friend get all moved out?”
Adam blinked at the abrupt question. He knew their prior conversation about drought had made Millie uneasy, so he was surprised that she chose that topic. But she was trying, and Adam wasn’t about to cut her off.
“Yes, he and his wife should arrive in Kansas City by the end of next week. I hope they’ll get settled quickly. And be happy.”
“I’ve been praying for them.”
Adam stopped rocking at her words. Then, he made himself resume. That was probably the most personal thing Millie had ever said to him, but he didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. More than anything, he wanted things to feel natural between them. Normal.
Adam hadn’t felt at ease and normal in this house for years. Not since the day he’d come home to find Sarah’s note that she was leaving him. But, he remembered his parents, who had always had a solid, stable marriage. They’d spent hours talking in the evenings. It had just been a part of his childhood. A good one.
“That’s nice. I’m also praying for them. Starting over won’t be easy, and I hope they find everything they’re looking for.”
Family of Convenience Page 5
