Things were going great. Amazing. Beyond what Millie had ever imagined or plotted out when she’d traveled to marry Adam and begin this life.
So why did she feel as though everything was a disaster? Like she was a failure? Millie didn’t know. All she knew was that her stomach had been protesting for days. It had churned when Adam’s savings were unknown, and it continued to churn when the savings were known. Nothing felt okay.
Millie went into her room and pulled out the sheet of paper from last night. It was sitting on top of her dresser, propped up where she could see it from her rocking chair and from her bed. She’d woken up more than once last night and looked in its direction. Even though it was dark and she hadn’t been able to actually see it, she knew it was there.
Millie brought the paper out to the table and placed it next to her notebook. She ran her fingers over the words, again amazed at their existence. She kept forcing her fingers to pull back, to not smudge Adam’s writing. Then, she would look down and realize her fingers were at it again. Touching the lead on paper. Making sure it was real.
Millie opened her notebook and turned to the next clean page. She began to copy Adam’s paper. She transferred the numbers and words, placing them in her notebook exactly as they appeared on the page. She copied them once. Then a second time. By the third time, they began to feel real.
Millie was awed that Adam had given her this gift. And, she was absolutely aware that it was a gift. Millie was more mindful than most that women had very little power in this world. Her first husband had refused to discuss his financial situation with her. The one and only time she had asked to look at the store’s books, he had been outraged. Had told her it was not her concern. Had strongly implied that she would not understand what she was reading anyway. Millie never asked again. And lived to regret that decision.
But Adam had written the numbers down and given them to her. And not just numbers. Millie looked at the bottom third of the paper. She couldn’t process that list of names right now, so she was going to ignore it.
There would be time enough to deal with it later. Instead, Millie rewrote the numbers a fourth time. Then, she began to do some math.
Adam had not lied when he’d told Millie he had sufficient savings to see them through another drought this year. He had also been spot-on when he’d assured her the ranching and cattle were a reliable source of income, though Millie had learned from Edith that drought could threaten the cattle also. As could a myriad of other things.
To use Adam’s words, they would be okay this year. But, Adam was not a rich man. He was obviously frugal. He thought ahead. He believed in saving for the future. But he could not afford to farm year after year if he continued to sustain the kind of losses he’d seen last year. His savings would be dangerously low if this year was as bad as last year. And the savings would be wiped out next year if they had a third drought.
This piece of paper looked like security. But as Millie worked it out, she realized even this tangible safety that she could touch was fleeting. The situation could change in an instant. And after talking to Edith about how this year looked so much like last year, Millie was pretty sure that it would change. Evaporate. Gone up in the literal dust of dry fields and dead plants.
Millie forced herself to take a couple of deep breaths. She had time. This was nothing like when she’d found out her husband was in debt and she was effectively homeless. Millie could handle this, she just needed to stay calm and plan it all out. She turned to the next clean page in her notebook.
Progress Check:
#1: Mr. Robinson agreed to sell my knitting in the store in town. I bought more yarn to make more things. Hopefully, next time I go into town, all my things will have sold and I will be able to sell more.
#2: Adam shared his financial information with me. I know what I’m dealing with now.
#3: Edith answered a lot of my questions about farming and drought. And she helped me find a book in town with more information.
It seemed like she wasn’t doing enough, but Millie knew she was not just sitting around waiting for her future to happen. She looked at Caty who was playing with some of Millie’s extra yarn. The child had somehow unwound the fiber and was holding in her hand a pile that looked like a giant knot. Genie was having yet another epic battle between blocks and livestock. From the number of wooden cattle and horses that had fallen on their sides, it looked like the blocks were going to win this one.
She was doing what she needed to do to protect her family. All of them. Millie closed her notebook and went to kneel next to Caty.
“What do you have there, Caty-girl?”
Caty looked upset. “It’s all stuck together.”
Millie used her fingers to gently loosen the strands in the knot. “Oh, this isn’t bad. You should see some of the messes I’ve made with my yarn.” She finished unknotting the yarn and handed it back. Millie reached over and picked up another ball of extra yarn, unwinding a good length from it. She started looping the fabric over her fingers, slowly making a chain.
Caty watched her, and Millie slowed down. “This is called finger crocheting. I’ve always thought it was kind of fun.”
Caty began to copy Millie’s movements, but frowned in frustration after a minute. “It doesn’t look as good as yours.”
Millie set her yarn to the side, using her fingers to investigate the chain Caty was creating. “It’s just a little loose. I had to practice for a long time before I could get mine to look good. And I was a lot older than you are.”
“Really?”
“It’s true. I was nearly a teenager when I learned. And I almost quit because it seemed too hard. But, it wasn’t.”
Caty nodded. “I’m not going to quit. I’m going to practice and practice and practice until I get as good as you are.”
“Oh, I know you are. I’m sure you’ll get it in no time at all.” Millie started working on her own strand again, careful to move slow and with exaggerated movements so Caty could use her as a reference.
“Why did your mama wait so long to teach you?”
Millie forced her fingers to keep going. Caty had no idea that this question was hard for Millie, but the girl certainly knew about the reality of not having a mother. “My mother died when I was little. I learned to knit and crochet from a woman who helped take care of me.”
Her teacher had been one of the workers in The Home. The elderly woman was only there for a couple of years, but they were the best years of Millie’s time there. Ruth had said that knitting and crocheting could cure almost everything. No matter how bad things got, Ruth believed the situation would be helped by taking sticks and a piece of string and making something beautiful. And she’d been right more often than not.
“My mama died when I was little, too.” Caty was looking at the yarn looped over her fingers.
Millie forced her fingers to keep going. Loop over loop. “I know, honey. That’s really sad, isn’t it?”
Caty nodded, still looking at her hands even though her fingers were no longer looping the strand of yarn.
“Did your daddy marry a new mama?”
This time Millie’s hands did still. She wouldn’t lie to Caty, but she had to speak carefully to avoid upsetting this sweet girl. At least as much as possible. “My daddy died when I was little, too.”
Caty looked at her then, eyes wide. “Your daddy died?”
“He did.”
Caty licked her lips. “Where did you live?”
One day Millie would tell Caty her entire story. But not today. There was no way Millie was dragging this precious child into that nightmare. “I lived in a place for kids with no parents. I had lots of people to take care of me.”
“Were you sad?”
God, guide my words. Help me to speak truth but not do harm. “I was sometimes. I missed living i
n a house with a family. But now I get to live in a house with a family again. I get to live with you and Genie. That makes me very happy.”
“And Daddy?”
“And Daddy.”
Caty scooted closer to Millie, leaning against her as she resumed making her chain. “Okay.” Caty reached out and picked up another ball of yarn. “Can we do two colors?”
Millie felt the tightness around her heart start to relax when she realized Caty was done with the hard, emotional conversation. At least for now. “Yes, we can do as many colors as you want.”
By the time they were sitting in front of the fire in their usual after-supper routine, Millie was feeling better about things. All the knitting and crocheting she had been doing lately was good for her feeling of control over her future. It was also good for her nerves.
“Are you making baby clothes?”
Millie looked up, trying to stop the flush she felt heating up her cheeks. She wasn’t doing anything wrong, but someone needed to tell her body that. “Um, no. I’m making a shawl.” She held it up as though Adam actually cared. He was probably just making small talk. Hopefully.
“Oh, that’s pretty. What are you going to wear it with?”
Millie stopped breathing. She could just say that she didn’t know yet. Try to brush it off. Figure out a way to answer without lying, but, also without telling the truth.
She didn’t want to do that. Millie had done many things to survive in this world that she was not proud of. But she wasn’t a liar. Caty, as always, was watching her parents talk. This adorable little girl who loved Millie and for some reason wanted to be just like her.
No. Millie wasn’t going to lie.
“I’m not making it for me. I’m going to sell it.”
“Sell it? To who?”
Adam did not sound angry. Just curious. He was probably wondering how she could have found someone to sell a shawl to when she didn’t really know anyone around here. If the situation had been reversed, she would have been wondering the exact same thing.
“I took some of my knitting into town when I went with Edith. Mr. Robinson liked the pieces I’d brought and agreed to sell them in his store. He is going to keep a percentage of the profit, and I’ll get the rest.”
“You will?” Adam’s voice was still neutral, but his emphasis on the word you made chills race up Millie’s back. He was always so intentional in referring to his property as theirs. His words, and perhaps his mind, firmly held that nothing belonged to just him.
But she had just said the proceeds from her knitting would be hers. And they would be. That was the whole point of this knitting endeavor in the first place.
Adam apparently got tired of waiting for Millie to respond. “Okay.”
That was a word Adam used all the time, but Millie had never heard him say it like that. This okay almost sounded like a challenge. Maybe a resignation? All Millie knew was that she had hurt him. Again.
* * *
She was knitting things to sell. To make money. For herself. Of course she was, because why would anything be different today? I’m tired, God. I know I’m not perfect, but it feels like I’m the only one trying here. That might not be true, but it feels like it.
“Adam? Can we talk about this later? Please?”
She sounded sorry. She rarely asked him for anything, let alone a chance to talk. And, she was his wife. “Okay. We’ll talk later.”
She smiled and nodded her thanks.
“Do you want to see what I learned today, Daddy?” Caty’s voice was excited, like she’d been waiting for years to ask him that question.
“Absolutely, Caty-girl. What did you learn to do today?”
She spent the next hour showing him how to finger crochet in great detail. Even made him practice on his own fingers, and laughed when he messed it up the first couple of times.
“That’s okay, Daddy. I messed it up lots of times, but Millie said that everyone messes up at first. You have to keep on trying and trying and never ever give up until you get it right. That’s how you learn things.” She sounded like a teacher as she repeated Millie’s words. The implication of them beyond finger crocheting was not lost on him.
“Okay, it’s time for two children to go to bed. Pick up your toys, please.” Millie and Genie had been on the ground building with his blocks. They’d managed to create several towers, many as tall as Genie was.
“Did you get more blocks, Genie-bug?”
“Mama buyed!” He pointed to Millie with a huge smile on his face.
Everyone else in the room froze. Adam had been used to Millie going still as a statue on him, but now he was living the experience himself. Genie’s smile faded as he became worried that he’d done something wrong, and he almost joined his family of statues. Almost, because it was probably impossible for Genie to be completely still.
“Daddy?” Caty’s voice was a soft vibration where she was sitting in his lap and leaning against his chest. “Are you mad?”
Adam came back to life. “No, baby. No. I was just surprised.” He looked to where Millie still sat on the floor. Her eyes were wide, and she was biting her lip. “Come here, Genie-bug.” He shifted Caty and gathered both of his children on his lap.
“When I married Millie, she became my wife. And your mama. Do you understand that?”
They both nodded, but Caty was looking at the yarn in her hands instead of at him.
“And she loves you both.”
“I do. Very, very much. I love you both so much.” Millie’s voice wasn’t the least bit hesitant, and Adam appreciated her speaking up.
“So, she is your mama. And if you want to call her that, you can. And if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.”
“I love you both, either way. I promise.”
Genie was watching them, but it was Caty they were both speaking to. She needed to know that she didn’t have to call Millie Mama just because Genie was apparently going to. She also needed to know that she could if she wanted. Caty barely remembered her mom, but some memories still lingered. This was a lot for a child to navigate. Adam was overwhelmingly grateful that he and Millie were united on this issue.
There wasn’t much more to say, and Adam didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. Well, more than had already been made.
He put Genie back on his feet and moved Caty to where he could cuddle her. “All right, Genie-bug. Why don’t you show me some of the new blocks Mama bought you.” Bedtime could wait for a few more minutes.
Genie looked at his towers and grinned, pulling out a block from the bottom of the largest tower. It collapsed and fell into the others, which in turn all collapsed. Millie pretended to gasp and flinch as all the towers crashed to piles of rubble on the floor. Adam smiled down as he felt Caty also laughing at her brother’s antics.
They looked at the blocks for a few minutes, both Adam and Millie exclaiming over them in exaggerated admiration. Genie beamed. Then, to Adam’s relief, Caty wanted to show him the beads and string that Millie had bought her in town to make more necklaces. Adam made sure to be suitably impressed with those also.
Genie yawned and rubbed his eyes, and Adam decided bedtime had been postponed long enough. He sent the kids to get ready, giving Caty an extra squeeze before putting her on her feet. Millie sat on the floor after the kids went to their room.
“Are you stuck down there?” Adam’s mood was undeniably good. It felt good to tease her. Even though they had to have yet another hard conversation, this moment was fun. Lighthearted. Adam decided to keep it going for as long as possible.
“I’m almost afraid to find out, to be honest. I lost feeling in my legs after the fourth tower we built, but he was having so much fun I didn’t want to stop.”
Adam bent down and helped her up, keeping his hands on her arms to make sure she
was steady before letting go. They stood there looking at each other, the sounds of children giggling instead of getting ready for bed audible through their open doorway.
“I’m sorry. That came out wrong, earlier. I should have told you about the knitting. And I want to talk to you about the proceeds, but I’m afraid of making you angry.”
“Millie—”
“No, I misspoke. Not angry. I’m afraid of disappointing you. Of hurting you. I feel like you’re trying and trying and giving and giving while all I am doing is taking. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know how to make it better.”
The giggling turned to shrieking as Caty ran out of the room chased by Genie. She squeezed in between Millie and Adam, using their bodies as a shelter. Genie ran around and around in circles, sticking his little arms in between them to touch Caty and make her squeal even louder.
Finally, the children were calmed down, changed and tucked into bed after saying prayers. Genie was back to yawning. Most of the time the only secret to getting him to fall asleep was making him actually stay still. Tonight was no exception. Caty didn’t look that far behind him, lying on her side with both hands under her face in her usual sleeping position.
Millie kissed them each on the cheek and followed Adam out of the room. It was a welcome break in the pattern that he wasn’t out in the family room waiting for her tonight. She shut the door, and they stood there. Neither one seemed to be in such a rush to talk. That sense of urgency was completely gone. Adam loved his children, so much, but right now he really wished they had never come out and interrupted Millie. Getting her to talk was hard enough. Getting her to talk twice in one night would probably be impossible.
Millie sighed, but it didn’t sound exasperated. It sounded weary. Maybe frightened, like she was trying to gather up her courage. She had mentioned being afraid of disappointing him. That was a fear Adam wanted to ease.
“Millie, please, let’s sit down. I promise I will let you talk without interrupting. And, that’s all I want. For you to talk to me. If you can do that, I will do my best to make sure it is all okay.”
Family of Convenience Page 9
