It was early yet, far earlier than the children usually woke. The sun was just rising, and the sky was nothing but pink and blue and promise. This time of day almost felt holy to Adam.
Adam stopped walking, feeling Millie stop next to him. The land was primarily flat, but there were gentle hills. They were on top of one and it offered a fairly good view of bigger fields.
“When I first bought this land, this was all wild ground. Brush and weeds and general mess. Sarah told me I was crazy.” Adam saw for a moment the way it had looked back then. “But I was excited, you know? Excited for the chance to take that and turn it into something.”
“Sarah didn’t want you to be a farmer? Didn’t want to move here?”
Oh, that was a question. Adam sighed. “I met her when I lived in the city. She’d never lived on a farm but when I told her my future plans she agreed.” How much to tell? How much would be enough for them to stop this seesaw thing they were doing?
“She tried. It took me a few years after her death to understand that, but she did try. Sarah just wasn’t happy with this life. I didn’t realize how different living out here would be from living in the city.”
“Was she afraid the crops would die? That you all would lose the farm?”
That was what Millie was afraid of. That was a logical fear, in Adam’s estimation, because the risk was real. It was there. It wasn’t enough to stop Adam from continuing to be a farmer, but no one would say Millie was crazy for being afraid.
“No. I don’t think so. Funny enough, I’m not sure it ever occurred to her that I might fail.”
“She believed in you. I’m... I’m sorry. It must feel like I don’t.”
Adam turned, wanted to pull Millie into his arms, resisted. “No, Millie. Please.” The seesaw was in motion again, and this thing between them was heading back down to the ground. They needed to get off the contraption for good. The kids were screaming and running, chasing each other in the tall grass. Well out of earshot.
“She left me, Millie. Left us.”
Millie gasped.
“She was not happy being a farm wife. She did not enjoy being stuck so far away from people. She did not like me coming home covered in dirt. She wasn’t worried about the farm or me or even her own children. She was worried about herself.”
“She...she left you? Left? As in left?”
Millie sounded like she could in no way comprehend the very word. Adam felt shame at ever having thought that Millie would do the same.
“She did. I don’t want to really talk about it, but the short version is that I came home and found the kids alone. There was a goodbye note. I went to find her, to bring her back, and I succeeded, eventually. But by the time I caught up with her she was sick. Really sick. She died two days later.”
The kids began to run their way, and Adam felt his muscles turn to stone. They veered off again and he forced himself to relax. Swallowed and looked at Millie.
She was watching the kids and a single tear was rolling down her cheek. “She left the children?”
Adam swallowed again. “She did.” And him. Sarah had also left him.
“I could never leave the children, Adam. I hope you know that.”
Adam was done talking about his greatest failure. This whole idea, this whole yearning to bring her out here and show her the fields was because Adam wanted Millie to see the ground he loved. Wanted to share it with her.
He was so tired of dramatic conversations. Adam was ready for steady. Uneventful. Routine. Farming was all about rhythms and cycles. Predictable repetition.
“It took me months to clear the land,” he said, relieved when she didn’t interrupt him or question the change in subject. “I started up there, because that seemed to be where the ground was the rockiest. I thought if I did the hardest part first, the rest would seem easy.” He pointed as he spoke.
Millie looked out to where he had indicated, shielding her eyes with her hand. “What time of year was it?”
She was willing to move along, too. Adam felt victory in his blood.
“Well, I bought the land in winter. It was covered in snow and looked just about perfect. The man who sold it to me was honest about what I would find when the snow cover melted, but I didn’t exactly believe him.”
“You thought he would make his land sound worse than it actually was?” She was teasing him again.
“I know, that sounds ridiculous, but I had this romantic idea in my head. Needless to say, the snow melted and I was faced with reality. And reality was a lot rockier and thornier than I’d imagined.”
Millie laughed, lowering her hand to cover her mouth and muffle the sound. “Oh, Adam. I wish I could have seen your face.”
“Well, no one could see my face under all the dirt and blood for a good long while after that. Did I mention the thorns?”
Millie didn’t even try to muffle her laughter this time. Adam highly suspected the Potters could hear it from their place. It was a beautiful sound, the kind of happy that made others want to come and soak it in. Both children ran up toward her, moving as fast as their little legs would carry them.
“Millie, Millie! What’s so funny?” Caty came to a stop right in front of Millie, managing to say one word in between each puff of breath.
Genie didn’t stop until he ran full force into Millie. “Mama!”
Adam hustled to get behind Millie and take the brunt of Genie’s impact, keeping her from falling to the ground. Even so, she made an oof sound that sent Adam’s blood racing.
“Eugene Robert Beale.”
Everyone’s smiles disappeared at Adam’s tone. Genie stepped back from Millie, his lower lip wobbling.
Millie tried to reach out for Genie, her tone almost pleading. “I’m okay, Adam. He didn’t do it on purpose and he didn’t hurt me.”
“Eugene, come here right now.” Adam moved from behind Millie and pointed to a spot in front of where he was now standing. The boy complied, though that wobble increased and tears were welling up in his eyes. Adam squatted down until he was level with his son. “I know you did not mean to, but you hurt Mama. You could have really hurt her and the new baby.”
“Sorrrrrrry!” The word was a wail as the tears began to pour down his face. Adam felt terrible, but his little boy needed to learn to not always be so rough with things. And people. He was only going to get bigger and stronger, and he needed to learn this lesson now.
Adam put his hands on Genie’s shoulders but did not pull him for a hug or wipe away the tears. Not yet. “I know you are sorry. But, sorry won’t fix it if you hurt someone. Genie, you need to be careful. Be gentle.”
“I will.” He was nodding his head emphatically as he spoke, every bit of his demeanor relaying his sincerity.
“Okay.” Adam pulled the boy into his arms and stood, rubbing his back as Genie’s hot breath and hot tears almost seemed to burrow in his neck. Millie came forward, rubbing Genie’s back and leaning in to whisper that she loved him.
Genie sat up and looked at her. “Sorry, Mama.”
“Oh, honey, it’s okay.” She smiled and it only looked a little bit forced. “It’s a good thing Daddy is so fast and strong, isn’t it? I bet you’ll be just like him someday.”
Genie nodded and leaned over to give Millie a hug. Millie reached to take Genie completely out of Adam’s arms. Adam hesitated, unsure she needed to be holding someone so heavy this far into her pregnancy. He reconsidered in a hurry when he saw the look she was giving him. Millie looked almost ready to fight him for Genie.
Adam let go and Millie walked a few steps away, snuggling Genie and whispering in his ear. Caty wandered after her, not saying anything, just standing a few feet away. Millie set Genie down and moved to her knees. She whispered to both kids, and they giggled. Then, as one, both Caty and Genie turned and ran as fas
t they could. Millie watched them, smiling, until Caty reached a tree in the distance and started yelling that she won.
They quickly became engrossed in a game of tag, and Millie tried to get up off the ground. Adam came to her side, ready to help her. She ignored his hand, and tried again. Then, she just sat down all the way, leaning back on her hands.
They were at it again, but this time the conflict didn’t feel like being stuck on a child’s seesaw. This felt like the same kind of mad Adam had witnessed between his mother and father.
“Millie, I can’t just let him run into people full force. He needs to learn to think.”
Her voice when she replied was cold, even though Adam could see sweat running down her neck. “He’s just a little boy. He was excited. He wasn’t doing anything wrong.”
“He needs to learn to control himself.”
“I say he was fine.”
Adam looked at her, exasperated. “If I hadn’t been there, he would have knocked you completely to the ground, Millie. Not on purpose, I know. But, still. He’s old enough to control his body.”
“You were mean to him.”
“No. I was a father to him.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t like it.”
She sounded petulant. From the way she forced herself to uncross the arms that had somehow crossed when she was talking, Millie realized it, too.
“Of course you didn’t.”
The arms recrossed and petulance changed into anger complete with narrowed eyes. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“You’ll always be on his side. You’re his mother.” He left it at that.
Millie stared at him hard for a second. Adam tried to resist smiling as an embarrassed flush seemed to bloom from her neck up to her cheeks. “Yeah, well, don’t you forget it.”
He wouldn’t. But would she remember that she was also his wife? And did he want her to?
Chapter Ten
Things I’m grateful for today:
Genie calling me Mama
Caty asking me to do her hair like I do mine
Millie looked at the list and fought the urge to rip the page out of her notebook. Specifically identifying the good things in her life still felt dangerous. As if by putting all the things that gave her joy down on paper she would somehow lose them all. When she had mumbled her concern to Edith, the woman had completely shocked her by understanding.
“Me, too. It took me a long time to put people on my list. But, God knows what is in your heart. He knows the real list. And He’s not a God who takes away the things people care about most for fun. I might not know why things happen the way they do, but I believe He has a reason.”
Two weeks had passed since then. Two weeks full of time with her children. Adam finishing the cradle. Him teaching her how to ride a horse. Two weeks of wonder.
How could Millie list the good things in her life and not list people? The list was a lie without them.
The last two weeks had also been filled with watching the crops droop. Wither. Start to turn from green to a sickly brown. Even though she wasn’t an expert, Millie knew the poor plants were all but screaming signs of distress. And yet they still lived. Adam’s estimate of them making it only a couple of weeks without rain had been wrong. They were definitely dying, but weren’t dead. Yet.
Millie closed her notebook and set it aside when she heard Adam go into the barn. “Caty. Genie. Daddy’s home. Clean up your toys and help me set the table for supper, please.”
The children did as she asked, and the table was set and ready by the time Adam came inside.
“Hello, Beale Family. How are you all on this fine day?” Adam was obviously trying for a light mood, but he looked tired. And filthy.
“Daddy, you need a bath.” Caty’s voice was serious as ever as she looked at her father’s clothes. Clothes that had been colors other than brown when he’d left the house early this morning.
“A bath? What are you talking about, Caty-girl? I’m clean as a whistle.”
“No, Daddy.”
Adam’s eyes looked big and white in his dirt-caked face. Had he rolled around in mud today? “Well, lucky for me today is not bath day. Saved again.”
Caty crossed her arms, looking at her dad with narrowed eyes. And, unlike her brother who had run up for a hug, Caty kept her distance from the dirt and grime. “Mama says you have to take a bath when you’re dirty, even if you just had a bath.”
This was only a few days old. Though Caty was not calling Millie Mama to her face, she had started referring to Millie as Mama when talking about her to other people. Millie and Adam were trying to not make a big deal out of it. Trying to not draw attention to it or make Caty self-conscious. Millie wanted the girl to do what made her comfortable, even if that meant she never called Millie Mama directly.
But Millie sure loved hearing that word come out of her daughter’s mouth.
“Oh, Mama said that, did she? And Mama is the boss?”
“We’re supposed to listen to her. You said so.”
Adam rubbed a hand over his chin, pretending to think about it. “Well, then. I suppose I’d better go and wash up. Wouldn’t want Mama cross with me. But I need a hug and a kiss before I go. I missed you all day long.”
Caty began to back up, nervously looking at her father to see if he was serious.
He was.
“Daddy, you’re going to get me dirty.”
“I have it on good authority that you’ll wash clean just fine. Didn’t you miss me at all today?”
“I missed you, Daddy. I’ll give you lots of hugs and kisses when you are clean.”
“Okay,” Adam turned and took a step toward his bedroom. Then he quickly lunged and scooped Caty up in his arms. “Oh, look. I found a Caty-girl.”
Caty squealed, trying to get away. Adam growled, rubbing his face on Caty. “No, Daddy, no!”
“What was that? My Caty-girl wants me to tickle her? Okay then.” Adam proceeded to tickle Caty, and her squeals quickly became gasps as she was laughing almost too hard to breathe. Genie’s grin was huge in his face, and he was clapping his hands together in delight.
Adam stopped tickling Caty and looked at Millie. His face was significantly cleaner, but dirt still streaked here and there. “Well? Am I clean enough for supper now?”
Millie shook her head and crossed her arms. “Nope. From where I’m standing, the only people clean enough to eat supper are me and Genie.” Genie smiled and nodded his head up and down as fast as he could.
“Mama! He got me dirty!”
Millie told herself to not react to Caty calling her Mama, but she had a hitch in her voice when she replied. “Yes he did, baby. You’re right. Okay, how about I help you clean up and then you can eat supper, too? Why don’t you go ahead and get started on putting on your nightclothes. I’ll come help you in a second.”
Caty ran from the room, and Millie looked at Adam, wondering if his heart also felt like it was going to explode. His smile was tender. It spoke to her.
“Well, I better get cleaned up, too, I guess. Genie? Will you please make sure these two don’t eat all the supper? Save some for your good old dad?”
Genie’s little chest puffed up, and he nodded. He walked over and stood in front of the pots on the stove, crossing his arms and looking so serious that Millie burst out laughing. Adam was chuckling and shaking his head as he walked into his room to clean up.
Millie found Caty in her nightclothes but with dirt still all over her face. She didn’t hate washing up as much as Genie did, but she also wasn’t a huge fan of it.
“Good job changing clothes, Caty. Let’s get that dirt off your face and we’ll be ready for supper.”
Caty stood still as Millie washed her face, scrunching up her nose as Millie dipped the cloth and wa
ter again and went back for a second pass. “Daddy is silly.”
“Yes he is, honey. But don’t you worry, we’re going to beat him and eat all the supper.”
Caty chewed on her lip, another entirely too serious expression crossing over her features. “I don’t want Daddy to be hungry. He worked really hard all day long.”
Millie set the cloth back in the bowl and leaned down to be eye level with Caty. “I’m just kidding, honey. There is so much food that I doubt we could make ourselves eat it all anyway. And you’re right. Daddy works very hard for us.”
He did. Fear and panic were still bubbling in Millie’s stomach, but her worries had nothing to do with Adam being lazy. Unlike his first wife, her anxiety had nothing to do with her life on the farm either. Millie loved being in this house every day. She loved the children. And, she was getting so much better at looking at her life and seeing all the blessings. At not letting her fear about the future ruin her today.
But Millie still worried. She refused to allow herself to make intentional lists about it. She refused to hold herself back from these children because of it. But the worry didn’t go away. If anything, it dug deeper than ever as she realized that her options for protecting herself were limited because she would never consider leaving these kids.
Millie shook her head slightly and bent down to kiss Caty’s check. “There, all clean. Let’s go see what kind of chaos your brother is causing, shall we?”
Millie started to leave the room and felt her heart stutter when Caty reached out and held her hand. The little girl did this frequently. It was still a gift every time.
Genie was spinning in circles when they walked into the room but he quickly resumed his guard position when he saw them. Millie’s lips twitched at how he tried to make his face look serious. And how he failed.
“All right, Caty-girl, do I pass inspection now?” Adam was in clean clothes, still rubbing a cloth over his face. His hair was wet and shiny.
Caty nodded and ran to give her father a hug, and Genie joined in. Millie began to dish up food on plates. “Is there any soap left after all you must have used?”
Family of Convenience Page 12
