by Mercy Amare
Ty gets up from my bed and walks over to me. “Are you okay?”
I nod, even though I’m not.
He wraps his arms around me. “Kihanna, he didn’t mean that. He’s just hurt.”
“I never wanted to hurt him,” I say, my voice breaking.
“I know you didn’t.”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you. It was too soon.”
Ty’s body tenses at my words, but he doesn’t release me from his grip. “You shouldn’t regret kissing me. Maybe it was too soon for you, but you did what you felt was right in the moment.”
I consider his words. In the moment, kissing him felt amazing. He’s right, I shouldn’t regret that. It’s not like I set out to intentionally hurt Gabe. Not like he did me. I mean, I had to pick Gabe up from a girl’s room the night after we broke up. I would never have done that to him. It’s not like I invited him over so he could see me move on. It was all just really bad timing.
“Do you still want to be friends with benefits?” I ask Ty.
Ty steps back and looks at me. “Are you serious?”
I nod.
“I want that,” he says, a little eagerly. “If you’re sure that’s what you want.”
“I do.” I look down at my shoes.
“Okay.”
Finally, I look up at Ty. He’s got a huge grin on his face. I wonder for a moment how it was so easy to walk away from him. But then I remember Jacqueline Hoff coming out of the bathroom at homecoming. Then I remember texting Gabe at our anniversary dinner. And I know he wasn’t the only one who screwed up. Ty may have cheated physically, but I cheated emotionally. We both did things that we regret. And the fact is, we are not the same people we were a year ago. We’ve grown so much. I mean, we’ve had to. There was no choice.
It’s so easy to get lost in Ty’s eyes. I love the patterns of gold, green, and brown. They are the same color as his dad’s, which should scare me, but it doesn’t. Ty’s eyes are warm and loving. Mike Newman’s eyes were cold and devious. I don’t understand how Ty could ever think he was like his dad. He’s not.
“This is kind of crazy,” Ty says, his voice low.
“What is?”
“You and me.”
“Maybe a little,” I agree. “I never thought I would... you know... with you.”
“I did,” he says, not bothering to keep the smirk off his face. “I told you that you would eventually cave.”
“I haven’t, yet,” I say, playfully putting my hands on my hips. “I could always change my mind.”
“Could you?” Ty asks, running a hand down the side of my torso.
I nod, trying not to let him see how much his touch affects me. It has been way too long since I had sex. Plus, Ty and I kind of have a year’s worth of sexual frustration to work out.
Ty puts a hand on the small of my back and pulls me closer to him. I draw in a quick breath, which causes his smile to widen.
Who am I kidding? I want Ty. I’ve wanted him for a long time; I just didn’t allow myself to think it because I was with Gabe. Every time I saw him with his shirt off this summer, I was thinking about it. Which was a lot, because we were in Tahiti.
Oh, my gosh. I’m a bad girlfriend.
No. I wasn’t. I just looked. There is nothing wrong with looking.
But I lusted.
And right now, there is a lot of lusting going on.
I want Ty.
But... my ex-boyfriend did just come to my door.
“Gabe just interrupted us,” I say, with a frown.
Ty sighs and steps back. I miss his warmth immediately.
“Tomorrow?” he asks.
I nod.
“Want to go out first?”
“Like a... date?” I ask.
“No. Not a date,” he says. “Friends don’t date. It would just be... two friends, getting food. Like normal.”
“Except when we come back, we have sex,” I say, as nonchalant as possible.
“Right,” he agrees.
“Okay. Food first.”
“Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow,” he says.
“Tomorrow.”
He walks towards the door. Part of me wants to go after him, but I just let him go. Because, no matter how turned on I am, I know that I need to process what just happened... and process what I just agreed to.
Friends with benefits.
With Ty.
I just might be crazy.
11 p.m.
So grown up.
After Ty leaves, I decide I need to talk to somebody. But not Andrea. She so wouldn’t understand or approve. I need somebody who won’t make me feel guilty for my decision. And Carter is still with Julie. My only options are Eric—and I so don’t want to talk to him—or I could try to find Toby. But, if I find Toby, I risk running into Gabe.
For one brief moment, I reconsider going to talk to Eric, but quickly rule that option out.
Instead, I decide to brave walking into a party. Hopefully, Toby won’t be drunk.
Toby doesn’t normally drink. He smokes weed. He says that he doesn’t like being hung-over. But tonight is his first Berkeley party, and he might want to celebrate. I can handle Toby if he’s high, but probably not when drunk.
A few minutes after I decide to find Toby, I walk into the party at the fraternity. Earlier in the night, they have people monitoring who is allowed in, though usually they let all the girls in. Well, I did see a few girls turned away; but they were dressed pretty modestly, and I have a feeling that definitely figured into the factor. By now, everybody is drunk so it doesn’t matter who comes in.
I only have to look around for a little bit before I see Toby talking to twins.
For a moment, I wonder if I really want to disrupt that. Toby will probably be mad. He will forever talk about what could have happened with the twins if I hadn’t interrupted.
I grin, because I definitely do want to interrupt them.
I’m such a good stepsister.
“Toby,” I say, putting my arm around him. “What do we have here?”
“Kihanna, hey,” he says. “This is London and Paris. They were just telling me about their pet snake.”
“Snake?” I ask.
He nods. “Sorry, girls. My sister needs me.”
He pulls me away from them quickly.
“Thank you. I owe you,” he says.
“Why?” I ask. “Twins! I just ruined your chance.”
“I have been talking to them for the past hour. They wouldn’t let me leave,” he says. “You are an angel. I will forever remember the time you saved me from them.”
“We need to talk.”
“Okay,” he says. “Want to get out of here?”
“Yes,” I say back. “I know a really great twenty-four hour diner.”
Twenty minutes later, we are sitting in a booth at a diner, drinking coffee.
Yes, I am getting coffee at eleven at night.
What can I say? I’m a college student.
“I feel so... grown up,” Toby says, holding his coffee cup. A little spills out.
I laugh. “Yep, so grown up.”
He wipes up the spilt coffee with a napkin. “Whatever, I’m still in high school for another year. Which means I have a whole year of growing up left before I have to be a mature college student. What’s your excuse?”
I stick my tongue out at him.
“So mature,” he says sarcastically.
“I actually have something kind of important to talk to you about,” I tell him.
“Okay.”
I take a deep breath. “Ty and I are going to be friends with benefits.”
“So?” he asks.
“So, do you think it’s a mistake?”
“Why would it be? I mean, Ty has wanted this for a long time. And if you want to, I say go for it,” he says.
“We’re going to be exclusive friends with benefits, which means that Ty can’t have any other... friends while we’re friends,” I say. “Do you rea
lly think Ty can refrain from sleeping with other girls?”
“Yes, I do. A year ago, no. But a lot has changed. And if Ty can go four months without having sex, I think he can be faithful to your noncommittal, committed relationship.”
I nod. “Okay.”
“Let me ask you this,” he says. “Why are you here with me right now instead of with him?”
“Because I wanted you to confirm that I was making the right decision regarding my sex life,” I say.
He laughs. “Kihanna, you need to go find Ty. Like right now.”
I get up from the booth. “You’re right.” I throw down a couple of bills onto the table. “I’ll see you later.”
“Later, sis,” Toby says, grinning big.
I run out of the diner to go find Ty.
12 a.m.
Are you going to invite me in?
I knock on Ty’s dorm room and pray that Gabe isn’t there.
After I knock, I feel a moment of panic.
Why didn’t I just call Ty? He could’ve come out to meet me. Instead, I am now taking a huge risk. If Gabe is here or if he answers the door, it will ruin everything. What was I thinking?
Thankfully, Ty opens the door. Thankfully again, it’s just him in the room.
“I need you to meet me in my dorm. Like now.”
He nods. “I’ll put on my shoes and be right there.”
“Good,” I say, and then walk towards my own dorm.
I could’ve waited and walked with Ty, but to be honest, I’m nervous. I mean, I’m about to have sex. With Ty Newman!
For a moment, I feel a little bit sad. Gabe is the only guy I’ve ever been with. Part of me thought he’d be the only one. I know now that it was naive to think like that.
On the other hand, I really do love Ty. He’s one of my best friends and he always will be. If anything, I think that sex will only bring us closer.
I definitely don’t regret my decision.
I’m just nervous.
Oh, my God. I’m about to have sex with Ty.
When I get to my dorm room, I walk inside and start to pace the floor. I’m too nervous to sit down.
What if I’m not any good? What if that was the reason sex with Gabe never was satisfying to me? What if it wasn’t Gabe? And then Ty won’t want to be my friend with benefits anymore. What if he waited all this time for unsatisfying sex?
Fortunately, there is a knock on my door, interrupting my thoughts.
My heart accelerates, and for a brief second I consider not answering. But that would be dumb. I have to answer. I have to see.
I walk over to the door and pull it open.
When I see Ty on the other side, it calms my anxiety, but my heart definitely doesn’t slow its pace. In fact, it beats faster, and my stomach fills with butterflies of excitement.
Ty looks good. Really good. And calm.
“Are you going to invite me in?” he asks.
Without a word, I step back so he can walk in. Once he’s inside, I shut the door.
I slowly turn to him, open my mouth to speak, but before I can utter a word, Ty has me pinned against the door.
His lips are on mine. His hands are all over me. And within seconds, I am so turned on that I can’t even think straight. I’m pretty sure that I would fall if Ty wasn’t holding me up.
We move from the door to the bed, my clothes coming off in the process. There is definitely nothing slow about this, but I kind of wish we were moving faster. I need him inside of me right now.
Finally, I am stripped down to just my underwear. Ty unhooks my bra and tosses it aside.
“You’re still dressed,” I say, breathless. His lips are exploring my body, and I’m shocked that I was actually able to form a complete sentence.
“I am,” he says, his lips against my skin.
“I need you, Ty,” I tell him. “Now.”
He stops kissing and looks up at me with a huge grin on his face. “You’re so impatient. But I am going to teach you that some things are worth waiting for.”
I whimper, which only makes Ty’s grin widen.
Of course, he enjoys torturing me.
Okay, fine. I enjoy this kind of torture.
He slowly kisses every inch of my body, purposely skipping the only part of my body still clothed.
Finally, when I’m about to tell him that I can’t take it anymore, he pulls my panties off.
Nobody has ever used their tongue in that area of my body before, and I have to admit that I like it. A lot. My body is singing in pleasure. As the pleasure builds, I can’t help but think I missed out by not having had sex with Ty a year ago. And we haven’t even actually had sex, yet!
The most intense feeling of pleasure comes over me, and my whole body trembles. There are noises escaping my mouth that I have no control over. I would normally feel embarrassed, but I feel too good to care that I sound like a complete moron.
I open my eyes and look at Ty. He is watching me.
“You are so hot,” he says.
I take a breath. “Ty?”
“Yeah?”
“I need you inside me. Like, now.”
He doesn’t waste any time discarding his clothes and putting on a condom. I try not to think how he got so fast at this, and focus more on the pleasure.
Ty is big. Like, a lot bigger than Gabe. I never really had anybody to compare Gabe too, and I feel weird even thinking it. But that’s what I’m thinking.
I’m also thinking — wow I really am about to have sex with Ty.
Ty’s body is hovering over mine, and he pauses to look me in the eye.
“Are you sure?” he asks.
I nod.
“I need a verbal response,” he says. “I need to know you’re okay and that this is fine.”
“Yes. Ty, please. I’m inviting you inside of me,” I say.
He grins.
Then, he slowly slides inside of me.
It’s then that I realize, his tongue was nothing compared to this.
He begins to thrust in and out of me, slowly at first, but once things start to heat up, he quickens the pace. My insides are pounding, and I feel like I’m on the edge of a cliff. Any second I am going to go over.
But that can’t be right, can it? I mean, I already had an orgasm. Is it possible to get two so close together?
Yes, it is.
My body gets the release it was so desperately wanting.
The sounds that escape my mouth are much louder than they should be, but I can’t help it. This feeling... it’s amazing. And I know that I very much made the right decision by inviting him in.
“Sorry that was so short,” Ty says, panting.
“Short?” I ask.
“I didn’t even last five minutes,” he says. “It’s been a while.”
“It’s okay. That was... incredible.”
“Yes, it was.” He pulls out of me.
And already, I miss having him there.
Saturday, September 8
10 a.m.
Naked Saturday.
Ty was not kidding when he said he usually lasts longer. Because, he does. And it’s incredible.
We stayed up until six a.m.
And then he woke me up at eight for round four.
It is so worth the lack of sleep.
“We can’t stay in bed all day,” I tell him.
I lay my head in the crook of his arm, and my arm across his chest. Neither of us are wearing any clothes. I should be feeling self-conscience, but I’m not. I kind of like being naked with Ty. I feel sexy.
“Why not?” he asks, kissing the top of my head. “I vote for naked Saturday.”
“Toby is in town. He’ll probably want to eat lunch or something.”
Ty snorts. “Not likely. Toby is probably having his very own version of naked Saturday right now.”
“Well, we have to eat.”
“Let’s have take-out,” he says.
“And you want me to answer the door naked?”
/> “I bet the delivery boy would like it.”
I laugh. “Fine. You win. We will stay here all day. But I am not answering the door naked.”
“Then you can stay in bed,” Ty says. “I’ll put on pants and answer the door.”
“I’ve never spent a whole day naked before,” I tell him. “I’ve also never had sex so much.”
“Me, either,” he says. “You’re really hot in bed. I’ve been missing out.”
“I was thinking the same thing. Sex with Gabe was something I felt like I had to do. Sex with you is something want to do. Like all the time.”
“Like all day today?” Ty asks.
I nod. “You probably shouldn’t make any plans for tomorrow, either.”
“Maybe we should just skip class all week.”
“If only. But I don’t think my dad would be too happy if we skipped class to have sex,” I say. “Plus, I’d kind of like to not fail out my first semester in college.”
“You’re always so responsible.”
“Because I go to class?” I ask. “I know; I’m such a do-gooder.”
“Well, I know something that you do really good.”
I grin. “What’s that?”
“I guess I could show you,” he says.
“Again?” I ask.
He nods.
“Already?”
He nods again.
“I need a short break,” I say. “I seriously don’t think I’ll be able to walk for a week after today is over.”
“But the pain will just remind you of how awesome last night was.”
He’s right.
I think I’m going to like having Ty as my friend.
Sunday, September 9
1 p.m.
You can’t have sex with my friends.
Toby decided he wanted to have “breakfast” on Sunday. But it’s really lunch, considering it’s one in the afternoon. I’m not complaining, though, because I didn’t want to get up early this morning.
Andrea and Carter decide to come with us to get food. Carter is bummed over Julie leaving, so hopefully we can help cheer him up.
Toby invited Gabe. Thankfully, Gabe declined the invitation. I just don’t think I can deal with seeing him right now. Especially not since everything... happened... with Ty.
