She followed the royals back to their quarters. Every hour she realised more how insignificant she was here and became more determined not to be overwhelmed. Her sympathy lay even more strongly with Fadia. In a moment of trivial thought she wondered what Zafar’s name meant. Probably big of chest or something.
She chuckled to herself and Yusuf turned and glanced at her. She smiled at him and he stared stonily back.
‘Please to come this way. I will return for his Excellency this afternoon.’
They followed Yusuf obediently back to their wing of the palace. She couldn’t help wondering what she’d do if Zafar went away. Apart from Fadia, she had no other allies in the palace.
Fadia fed the boys and they removed their robes then Carmen went for a walk to the palace garden to gather some fruit for her and Fadia’s afternoon tea. The sticky almond cakes didn’t hit the spot as much as a freshly picked orange did.
Soon it would be time to prepare for dinner with the women and then be ready for her audience with Zafar. She would do as she had been bidden on the small things—it was the large issues she wanted to win.
Like making sure Fadia was happy, and that she, Carmen, made it safely home when all this was over. With her debts paid and her heart intact.
That night after the meal, a learning experience she actually enjoyed with the women, Fadia stood nervously twisting her hands as they awaited Zafar, upset at the idea of seeing the man she was once betrothed to during tomorrow’s excursion.
To Carmen’s relief, when Zafar came to bid the boys goodnight he was quick to see his cousin’s distress. She watched as he soothed her, his voice calm and gentle against her pain. ‘You need a friend as well and he is a good man to keep others at bay. You can deal well together without pressure. I give you my promise I will protect you.’
Fadia nodded before she pulled away and looked with distress at them both. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so emotional lately. My poor babies will think their mother is always crying.’
‘It is early days. Less than a week. You have been through much. Be gentle with yourself.’
She turned and walked quickly from the room and Carmen moved to follow.
‘Wait.’ Zafar put his hand on her arm and motioned for Kiri to follow his cousin.
She sighed. ‘I’m still so worried about her.’
He shifted until he could look into her face. ‘As am I. But Yusuf will stand guard for the time being and Kiri will help with my nephews. Do you not need a moment to think of yourself?’
‘I’m fine.’
He shook his head. Lifted his hand as if to move that strand of hair again but didn’t complete the action.
‘It will all be as it should. Trust me. One day she will be happy again. Tonight I will discuss with Taqu tomorrow’s excursion. He is my friend and a good man, and knows we are keeping the King happy. I will ask him to come just for company. I must go away for a few days soon and you will both be alone until I return. At least ask her not to worry and try not to think about reading anything into his presence. Then we will talk again.’
Carmen nodded and Zafar went on quietly, ‘Will you walk with me?’
‘Now?’ She tried not to guess his purpose but she could feel the nerves building as she waited.
‘Why do you always say “Now?” when I ask you that?’
‘Because you ask at the strangest times.’ And I don’t trust myself not to follow you into a deserted bedroom somewhere, she thought. She said, ‘I’d hate to compromise myself.’
He smiled. ‘‘Now is not the time. When it comes there would be no compromise.’ No matter how hard she tried, there was no doubt about his meaning.
So there was to be a time? Did she have no say? She looked down at the sleeping babies and pretended to herself she was affronted by his assumption yet inside the temptress stirred and smirked. ‘Their mother is still unsettled. I need to be here.’
‘Kiri is here. As is her sister. They will watch over them. And Yusuf will stay so he can find us if we are needed. I wish to show you something. I won’t have a chance tomorrow and after that I will be busy until I leave.’
So he really was going. ‘Very well.’ She dropped her pretence and glanced down at her palace clothes, worn for dining with the women, filmy swathes of fabric that made her aware of her own curves and left her with little armour to shield herself with against this man. ‘I’ll get my coat.’
He saw her glance and held out his hand. ‘Your clothes are perfect. It is too warm for a coat.’
He took her through the palace, through a dozen different turns she would never remember until they came to a courtyard, the tinkling of the fountains the only sound as they stepped out into the moonlit night.
‘Where are we?’
‘At the south wall. The vehicles enter by the north gates and climb the hill.’ He strode to a gate and selected a large brass key from a ring of many such keys. ‘This is the other side of the palace and there is no descent to the desert from here.’
He gestured for her to precede him and they came out onto a walled ledge that hung over the cliff. The shimmering moon-bathed desert lay before them hundreds of feet below.
In front lay miles of undulating dunes, expanses of sand and rocky outcrops, all ghostly silver in the night so that she felt they were the only living beings as far as the eye could see. As if they themselves were on the moon.
She slowly turned her head and sighed. ‘It’s incredible.’
‘When I can’t get away, this is where I come. In the past it was the place I could find some peace, even if just for a short time.’
He lifted his arm and she followed the direction in the silvery light. ‘Can you see that small hill under the moon to your right?’
It was surprisingly easy to distinguish. ‘Yes.’
His voice lowered. ‘There my family lies. I tell you not for your sympathy but because I am more at peace than I have been since the day I awoke. It began that day in the park, with new life unexpected yet beautiful, and you have helped me to heal.’
‘Thank you for sharing this with me.’
‘I know our ways are different, and I know you try hard to understand. But I want you to know that I see you. If it seems I am ignoring you, or have forgotten you, that is not true. I owe you much. When I am gone for a few days, you may like to come here and find peace for yourself.’
It was as if finally he was allowing her to see a tiny part of his mind. And his heart. She wondered how hard it had been for him and how much the darkness out here had helped.
She took his hand and laced her fingers through his, and when he bent his head she lifted her lips and kissed his cheek. She wanted to do more than that but it was time to go before she did something she regretted.
‘Please take me back to Fadia.’
For a moment she thought he would protest but he didn’t. Just nodded. ‘As you wish.’
CHAPTER NINE
WHEN Carmen woke to the sound of Harry in the morning, it wasn’t his usual royal demand. It was fear. A primal bellow that made her throw the covers and slip from the bed more swiftly than normal.
‘What’s wrong, little man?’ She picked him up and glanced across at Bailey just as Fadia arrived. Harry’s twin brother lay pale and still in the bed and Carmen’s heart thudded with fear as she thrust Harry into his mother’s arms, scooped little Bailey from his bed and tipped him over her arm to tap his back.
‘Lights,’ she called, and Fadia hurriedly switched them on. ‘Get help. Tell them to get Zafar!’
Fadia ran from the room, her other son clutched to her chest, and Carmen laid Bailey down on top of the padded dresser and tilted his chin up a little to open his airway.
There was no chest movement but his pale skin felt warm as she s
earched swiftly for a pulse in his neck. Faint and slow, less than sixty, so obviously not her heart rate, she felt, but such a relief to have something.
She puffed three quick breaths over his mouth and nose and began to compress his little sternum with her first two fingers. One, two, three, breath, one two three, breath, all the while the pounding of her own heart threatening to drown out the world as her fear rose.
Zafar swung through the door, Yusuf and Kiri on his heels, and he moved in smoothly beside her and took over the cardiac massage.
Fadia arrived with Harry just as Bailey’s little body twitched and he coughed and began to cry weakly. Carmen bit back her own tears as she stepped away, her hand covering her mouth as the restrained fear rose in her throat like bile.
She opened her arms for the distraught mother and hugged the shuddering Fadia as they stood clutching hands and watched Zafar. Yusuf handed Zafar a stethoscope and Carmen bit her shaking lip as she waited. Zafar bent and examined the little chest front and back and both sides.
Carmen chewed her lip as Bailey’s cries grew louder and she hugged Fadia, her own need for comfort almost as great as hers.
Then she saw Zafar’s face. Saw his cheeks suck in and his mouth work before sound came out. ‘Good air entry now. Probably a choking episode.’ He paused and blinked and inhaled. It was much harder to be calm now that it was over. ‘We’ll take him for an X-ray, though.’ His eyes sought Carmen’s. ‘Tell me what you found.’
She ordered her thoughts in her head, strangely more focussed now she knew Zafar needed her control. ‘Pale, blue face, not breathing. But skin warm and heart rate around sixty.’
‘Too close.’ Their glances met. Zafar shuddered, it was subtle but she saw it. She didn’t think anyone else did but this had rocked him. Both of them knew how close it had been. ‘Well done.’ He took another deep breath. ‘So fortunate you were here.’
Carmen looked up at him and he drew strength from her support. No doubt his own face was as white and strained as hers. His own eyes just as wide with shock. He knew later he had to hold her close, alone, so that he could banish the fear that would live, like the pain from the past, but for now he needed to reassure his cousin.
Carmen was saying something. ‘Harry’s cry was frantic. That’s why I jumped up.’
‘I, too.’ Fadia sniffed and wiped her eyes and hugged her eldest son and kissed him before she handed him to Carmen, who hugged him into her chest with her own need for comfort. ‘Harry saved him. I’ve never heard him cry like that.’
The two women looked at each other and Zafar placed Bailey gently in Fadia’s arms and gripped his cousin’s shoulder. ‘It seems he is fine. Obviously your sons are designed to give us all grey hair.’
‘Thank you, Zafar.’ She turned to Carmen. ‘And you, my dear Carmen.’ She squeezed Carmen’s hand in gratitude.
Carmen just nodded and stepped back further, bumping into Kiri, who was shaking like a leaf. The little maid slipped her hand into hers and Carmen, juggling Harry, hugged her to stop the shudders. She felt frozen on a treadmill of mental pictures. Couldn’t help imagining if she’d been too late. If they’d been unable to save Bailey.
She squeezed Kiri’s hand and turned away, and Zafar had no doubt she wanted to hide the tears he had seen spring to her beautiful eyes. They were so fortunate she had been here, had been so quick thinking, and he closed his eyes for a moment at the horror that could have been.
Zafar followed her and turned her gently to face him, saw the streaks of tears across her skin and the trembling of her mouth. He took Harry and handed him to Kiri and then drew Carmen in until she was against his chest. ‘Let me hold you.’
Zafar searched her face, could see that shock had set in and needed to feel her against him and show her how much her quick thinking had saved them all. How bravely she tried to control the shudders that rolled through her body in the aftermath of horror. His brave Carmen. ‘Thank you,’ he whispered against her hair. ‘Again. For caring for my cousin and my nephews.’ He closed his eyes as the scent of her stirred memories of another time, of other comfort, and the strange way this woman felt so right in his arms. ‘And for me.’
He spoke into her hair. ‘We will take Bailey to the hospital and check his lungs more thoroughly. Would you like to come?’
Of course she would. She nodded under his mouth and he couldn’t help the kiss he brushed against her hair.
‘Then go. Dress. We wait for you and Fadia. We can bring Harrison.’ He smiled. ‘No doubt he too has concerns for his brother.’
The next hour proved reassuring as Bailey was X-rayed and examined again, this time by the head of Neonatal Intensive Care, and Carmen was surprised when Zafar suggested they leave Fadia and the doctor to talk while they minded Harry.
‘Distressing episodes like this need discussion, and she needs to ask everything she can. I think she will listen more if it is not I who tells her that all will be well.’
So Carmen walked around the children’s cancer ward with Zafar, and tried not to think of those few moments in Zafar’s arms. To feel him around her when death had been so close made her realise how precious life was. How easily lost. She shuddered as Harrison slept on Zafar’s shoulder as they watched the children have their breakfast.
Inquisitive little faces peered at them from beds and highchairs. ‘It’s a lovely ward.’
‘We tried to make it more like a pre-school than a hospital. And also so the mothers can sleep comfortably in their children’s rooms.’
‘And you designed this?’
‘With the help of Dr Ting in Sydney. We had many discussions but it is a first for Zandorro and our staff are very dedicated.’
‘And you gave this up when Fadia’s father died?’
‘It was my duty.’
She could tell he missed it. ‘Perhaps one day you will be able to return.’
‘Perhaps.’ He slanted a glance at her. ‘I’m hoping soon now. Another time, perhaps we could discuss the baby hotel concept and if it would work for sick children. If the whole family could come, and the sick child could visit the hospital instead of being admitted.’
‘Of course. I’ll look forward to that. For children on cancer treatment I think it would work well. I’m sure it would be less daunting for them without the separation of siblings.’
‘Good.’ He smiled down at her and she could see how passionate he was about this. ‘We will discuss this again.’ He looked up as a nurse approached and spoke to him. ‘They are ready for us to return.
It seemed Bailey’s all-clear had come through and she had an idea Zafar had been trying to distract her from the stress of the morning. Or perhaps distract himself. She couldn’t rid herself of the idea he was still in shock and no doubt either of them would ever forget the image of that moment.
The ride back to the palace was quiet but there was a feeling of unity and support for each other that had previously been missing. Fadia kept her eyes glued to her sons and every now and then tears would well and then her glance would sweep between Zafar and Carmen and she would sigh and relax back in her seat.
Zafar and Carmen spoke quietly about the idea of building a child-friendly hotel next to the hospital for families and soon they were back at their rooms in the palace.
But always at the back of his mind Zafar could not lose the memory of Carmen’s support in his moment of need, her quick thinking in Bailey’s crisis, and as quickly as possible he finished the multitude of tasks he could not put off before he could return to check on them.
The female servants hovered around Fadia and her boys, and Carmen vibrated with a restlessness that was probably due to the stress of the morning, but it made his brows draw together as his glance lingered on her face.
‘Would you like to walk with me?’
His heart warmed as he watched her struggle not to give away her relief at his request. She did need to lose the edginess that possessed her. ‘I shouldn’t leave Fadia.’
‘Go.’ Fadia waved her away. ‘We are fine here and perhaps a walk will help you settle. You have stood and sat a dozen times these last few minutes.’ She smiled at Carmen. ‘No doubt your nerves are as bad as mine. The girls are here.’
Zafar nodded. ‘Come. I will leave Yusuf here and he will phone me if we are needed. We will return in a while.’ He smiled. ‘Or maybe longer.’
Carmen followed him through the palace until they came to a part she hadn’t seen before. The furnishings were more ornate, grander in the hallways, until finally they came to an entrance with a carved wooden door flanked by giant pots, then he stopped.
She knew. ‘Your rooms?’
‘We will have peace and privacy here.’
She nodded and he drew her through the doors and closed them behind his back. ‘I need to hold you.’
She couldn’t say no because her body still felt frozen in limbo and somehow she knew that Zafar could make her feel again. And she could help him. When she moved into his embrace he pulled her in against his chest and the strength of him made her close her eyes with the wash of comfort and relief.
‘Thank you,’ he whispered against her hair. ‘Again. For saving Fadia, for saving me from another tragedy.’
She closed her eyes as his warm breath stirred memories that lingered of her times in this man’s arms.
She sighed. ‘It was such a shock.’
He shifted until he could look into her face. ‘Yes. Yet you managed. But Yusuf will watch them all for the moment. I too need time to soak in the fact that all are safe. You need to let yourself be comforted for once.’
‘And perhaps you do too.’
‘I know you saw that. But for you we would just be at the beginning of more pain.’
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