by Haley Jenner
“That didn’t take you long, Archer,” I snap. “Pushing me out of town the first time wasn’t satisfying enough for you? Need the rush of watching me leave my home again?”
I watch his face falls at my words. “I didn’t….” he starts.
“Tell me, Archer,” I cut him off, not allowing his guilt to get to me. “You gonna help Janie shower? Help her to the toilet?” I spit.
He moves around the bed, edging closer. “Belle…. baby,” he pleads, his facial expression soft.
“No,” I deflect his advance, holding my hands up in a silent plea to stop him from moving any closer.
"Enough," Janie yells, causing herself an immense amount of pain. Both Archer and I jump up to fuss, but she holds up her hand. "Stop. I don't need this shit. I told you to keep it outside. Archer, Annabelle is right, there are things you and Jake can't help me with," she keeps his eyes until his head gives a slight nod in acknowledgement before turning to me. "Thank you, baby girl, appreciated,” she murmurs, relaxing into the bed and closing her eyes, essentially shutting us out.
With no words of departure, Archer leaves the room shortly after and I consider myself for only a moment before I follow. Leaning against my car, I noticed him immediately as I exit the building. Standing next to him, I copy his stance, back against my car door, arms crossed at my chest. It's easier this way, for both of us; avoiding eye contact.
"Arch, I'm...” I start but he cuts me off.
"Let's not do this here, I'll meet you at the house," he concludes, but I begin shaking my head before he finishes the sentence.
"That's not a good idea. Us being…. alone."
My words make him laugh, but the sound holds no humor, only contempt. "Don't worry, Belle; you made it quite clear that I'm damaged goods. Understand loud and clear that touching you is off limits."
I choose silence over vocalizing the fact that I’m afraid. Not of him touching me, but of being confronted by our ghosts. My quietness frustrates him and he stares me down for a moment before relenting on a loud exhale. "Fine, the Maple." He pushes off the car and walks away before I can tell him no. That the Maple is our spot, a place that holds too many happy memories, memories I don’t want tainted. But he wouldn't listen even if I tried, so I fold into my car, and drive towards our tree.
I reach the Maple first, my car the only disturbance in the otherwise empty lot. I sit and wait; staring straight ahead, watching the leaves of the trees dancing as the wind decrees. I envy the ease in which they accept their ever-changing direction, their nonchalance at being moved towards a particular path without pause. They don’t fight the push or pull. Instead, trusting what they are in life and letting that be their guide. I wish I could do that. I feel as though Archer’s my season, currently the bitter, cold reality of winter and instead of moving into the warmth he can offer, instead of letting the push or pull of my heart move as it wishes, I seem to fight against it. Like I’m the tree that would prefer to be ripped from the ground, weakened from the effort of pushing back when I should just go with the flow my heart seeks.
A knock at my window startles me as Archer opens my door, stepping back to allow me the space I need to jump down, while making sure he doesn’t touch me. I thank him as he thrusts a coffee into my hands, but my words are lost in the wind, unheard as he stalks towards the tree, not checking to see if I’m following.
I’m tempted not to. I could jump back in my car and drive back to Bellingham; begin licking my wounds; try and fix what I’ve already re-broken inside. I can’t leave Janie though, so against my better judgement, my feet lead me slowly; following Archer’s path.
Archer’s already sitting when I reach him, his coffee held between both hands, dropped between his bent knees. Much like the hospital I choose to copy his stance, sitting next to him, leaning against the tree. "I'm sorry about this morning. My accusation……" I start, pausing momentarily to find words. "I was a little unsure how to navigate what happened between us, of how to act, so obviously, I went to my default - ultimate bitch."
He's silent for a time before speaking, but when he does his tone is quiet, not soft, but he makes a point of speaking clearly, making sure I take in every word. "I never touched another woman when we were together. I get how you could think otherwise, but if you believe anything, Belle, please believe that." He turns towards me, trying to convey his truth through his eyes as well as his words.
I want to believe him, but how can I when so many of his actions point to the opposite? "But you used to come home smelling of perfume, almost every night, Archer. That last night I saw you and Bartie, she was touching you and you were laughing.”
All these years believing in my heart that he was unfaithful has been excruciating, but maybe hearing it from his mouth would be devastating, maybe it would help to push him away, to help me hate him.
"Skanks used to come up to me in the bar, plaster themselves to me. I don't know why. I never spoke to them, and I never fucking touched them." This confuses me. It makes no sense, if he didn’t plan on reciprocating their touch, why encourage them? He must sense my uncertainty because he speaks again. "I did it because it made me feel like shit, made me feel unworthy of you. It reinforced my idea that I didn't deserve you." He pauses for a few beats before whispering. "It was stupid. I hate that I made you question my faithfulness to you. I’ve never wanted anyone else, Belle."
I ponder his words. Remembering him all those years ago; his self-destructive behavior. Through it all though, the one thing we held onto was our honesty, right up until the very end. "Tell me you believe me?" he urges and I meet his eyes before nodding. His whole body relaxes immediately, his shoulders dropping the tension held so tightly.
This still doesn't explain Bartie but I don't know if I'm ready to go there so I settle on talking about Janie. "Arch, I'm here for Janie. I…last night ……. this morning, it…. it can't happen again. It fucks with my head and I can't reopen those wounds.” My tone is strong, certain in its delivery and I'm grateful.
"Belle, baby, last night…. this morning, I felt alive for the first time in fuck knows how long. Since well before you left. I can't let it go, baby," he returns, the intensity of his green eyes searching mine.
"You have to,” I tell him. “You didn't just break my heart, Archer, you humiliated me in front of the people I love most. You tore me down, told me I was pathetic, let other women touch you. You threw my love away and I don't have anything left to give you."
"You felt it last fuckin' night, had plenty to give this morning," he bristles, his anger getting the better of him.
"Sex was never the problem for us, Archer." I’m unwilling to give him the fight he wants, but it’s bubbling beneath the surface. The constant pushing of him needing to hear what he wants and not actually caring to listen to what’s coming from my mouth, spiking my temper.
"Damn fuckin' straight it wasn't." He's standing now, pacing in front of me. "It was how we showed our fuckin' love, Belle. Tell me you've felt anything close to what we have in all these years,” he stabs a finger in my direction and I stand, almost vibrating with anger.
"You know damn well that I haven't touched another man since you, let alone let them in. What about you, Archer, feel chemistry when you fucked Bartie? When you tasted her? Let her taste you? You use your body to show her your love?" I hiss.
"Don't throw that at me, you know that was fuckin' nothing,” he dismisses on a shake of his head. “I used her to get off, that’s it. YOU. WEREN'T. FUCKING. HERE," he yells in my face, having moved past angry, his temper volcanic.
It's disgusting that we’re doing this near a Church, but I can't stop myself from screaming back. "Because you broke my heart, Archer. You. Broke. My. Heart. You fucking told me to leave, you asshole. You made me leave."
My chest is heaving, as is his. He moves, stepping farther into my space, his eyes darting to my mouth and I can read his motives. But I'm too slow to react and his lips crush mine, forcing my mouth open with his tongue. Of c
ourse I return it, our kiss rough as he pushes me against our Maple. We’re wild in our touch, the hurt that has consumed us both for so long, the heartbreak, bleeding open in our intimacy.
"Let me inside you. Let's go home," he growls out and using all my might, I push him back, breaking our contact.
Archer frowns at the loss and I shake my head, telling him no. "We can't fuck our way around this, Archer."
I walk away fast, praying he doesn't try and stop me because I don't have the will power to tell him no again. I chance a look back, when I reach my car and I see him standing by the tree, arms draped at his side, defeat pouring from his stature.
I don't trust him not to turn up at home, so I drive for a while, wasting time, and thinking on his words. I call into the bookstore to see Darci. We talk about nothing while I'm with her, she empathetically avoids asking about Archer and I don’t volunteer any information. I visit Janie again and am grateful that she’s alone. She’s kind enough not to bring up Archer, content to be only in my company with no other ghosts. We barely talk, just watch TV and she drifts off early in the evening. I stay though, not ready return to the house, to memories and feelings that confuse me. I stew on my recent encounters with Archer and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't felt my heart beating for the first time in years. Being with him felt right, I slept better than I have since well before it ended. I felt alive being able to touch him again, to feel his lips against my own, the weight of his body above mine.
Archer was right, we’ve always communicated through our intimacy. It worked well for so many years; I’m almost convinced it would make sense to trust it again. But is that just a fantasy I want to believe because I’m craving the connection having abstained for so long?
Jake’s shy nurse pops her head in late into the night, apologetically informing me that visiting hours are over. Making sure Janie is warm and settled, I take my leave, driving home slowly. I choose to sleep on the couch, refusing to venture upstairs and I fall into sleep almost immediately; body and mind exhausted.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Annabelle
The apartment building is small, with only a few dwellings making up the structure. I pull my car into the lot next to his Jeep and am tempted to turn around and go. To walk away, drive back to Bellingham and live my monotonous life of routine and loneliness. Appealing as that sounds, I will myself to climb from my car.
Droplets of rain hit my face as I make my way towards his place and I'm thankful I dressed warmly. I wanted to look good, to make him realize how much he missed me. It’s stupid considering reconciliation isn't why I’m here. Call it habit maybe, but I'm glad I went for comfort. My combat boots remain unlaced, jeans tucked inside with a large knit sweater over top. A thick winter coat insulates my body further while my favorite grey beanie warms my ears.
Climbing the stairs, I slow when I reach his door. I knock softly on the wood, the move causing my cold fingers to sting. Waiting, my knock goes unanswered and I press my ear against the door, listening for him, but it’s quiet, still on the other side. Using the side of my fist, I hit harder, the sound echoing along the landing. I test the handle, just to check, but it’s locked. Crap.
Turning my back to the door I slide down onto my ass and the ground is cold, even through my jeans. I nurse my coffee between my hands, the warmth of the cup aching to my frozen fingers. It is fucking freezing and it is only November. Seriously. What the fuck?! I should have worn gloves.
I distract myself from the miserable weather and my festering nerves by taking in the surroundings. I find it strange that Archer would choose a place like this to live, with such close-knit neighbors. I imagine the walls are thin and it makes me cringe to think what you'd hear from next door. Archer, he's quiet, probably the perfect neighbor. Never one for excess noise, unless he's fucking. Then……Ahh. Fuck. Why did I have to think on that? I try my best not to let my brain go there but I can't help but wonder if he brought her here.
Maybe I should just go. I don't want to go inside and know she's been there. Know that based on recently history, she has more of a claim to his space then I do. A coward, that's what I'd be if I left. I just need my answers and then I can go. Leave, knowing I made the right decision.
The door to the left of Archer's clicks open and I watch in curiosity to see who lives there. My laugh is soft, almost inaudible when I see Luca step onto the landing.
Figures.
He hasn't noticed me yet, so I take my time to take him in. His shoulders are built wide on his towering height and he's incredibly fit. Even through the thick clothing covering his body, it’s easy to tell. His blond hair is hidden mostly by his thick beanie and I watch as he locks his door and turns towards me. His pained expression at the cold morphs into a wide welcoming grin when he notices me.
"Sweetness," he says by way of greeting, the thick husk of his voice warming me in the most delectable of places.
"I'm certain you were meant for another era," I speak softly, tilting my neck to meet his eyes. Luca's brow furrows in confusion at my words so I clarify. "You're massive. Like a warrior. Maybe you were meant to be a Viking."
His wide grin appears again and I’m momentarily stunned by his beauty. It's unfair really, to be that attractive. Luca is comfortable in my appraisal, standing quietly, waiting patiently while I look at him.
"Where you off to?" I ask and he shrugs offhandedly.
"Gym. This weather is fucked. Work out will warm me up," he says and I can't help but let my mind wander to alternative ways in which Luca could be warmed up. He reads my expression correctly and peaks his tongue out to wet his full lips. "Agreed, sweetness, but seems you're here for someone else," he points to Archer's door and I sigh. "He tends to run mid-morning. Shouldn't be too much longer. I have a spare for his place if you want to wait inside," he offers.
I shake my head. "Nah. I don't trust myself not to snoop," I smile wickedly and he laughs.
He watches for a beat in silence before we both attempt to speak at the same time. Smiling softly, I look away, suddenly overcome with shyness. He waits, in no apparent rush before I finally find my voice. "I hope I didn't get in the way of your friendship. With Archer. After the other week."
Lifting his hand in a dismissive gesture he waves me off. "We're not that close. Neighbors. I'm tight with Jake; only know Archer from the sidelines. But, he had his say and it was received." His smile is one of full amusement, clearly replaying the altercation in his mind.
When I don't add anything further he smiles before making his way past me. "A pleasure as always, sweetness. See you 'round," he winks and I lift my hand in a small wave as I watch his exit.
Reaching the stairs, he stops, turning back towards me. "You seem sad. Which means you’re looking at reasons to stop your want to fix whatever this is," he tells me, pointing to Archer's door. "But for what it's worth I knew straight away. As soon as you saw him walk in the bar, I knew I didn't stand a chance. You love him. Completely. Your heart can't feel hurt like that otherwise,” he seems lost in his words for a split second before shaking whatever demons he may hold, from his head. “For what it's worth, it’s reciprocated on his end - male perspective and all,” he shares and I smile sadly. “I've only ever heard rumors about you guys but from what I’ve heard, it was pretty fuckin' amazing. Sweetness, you have to fight for love like that, even when you think you have nothing left to fight with."
Then he's gone and I watch the space that he occupied for a while, thinking about what he said and not exactly sure what to take from his words. They made sense, sure. He spoke from experience, that I'm certain. But he's single, which means his fight mustn't have worked.
Clicks on the pavement pull me from my thoughts and I watch with trepidation as Bartie approaches. She looks ridiculous; dressed in tight jeans, sky-high heels and a shirt that I have no doubt is a few sizes too small, showing a strip of toned waist, her fake boobs spilling from the top. She must be freezing, a small jacket the only combat to this icy weat
her.
I will her to fall down the stairs on her ascent, but unfortunately she makes it to Archer's door unscathed, scowl firmly in place. "What are you doing here?" she spits and I turn away, refusing to acknowledge her.
Her presence scatters me further, fueling my self-doubt. Why is she here? Did Archer invite her? Are they still fucking? God, I wish Luca was still here.
I could leave now, but she'd know. Know that Archer didn't ask me here. Know that I look just as pathetic as she does now. Waiting on him. Hoping with everything I'm not the one he turns away.
"I left a few things here that I need. Panties and things," she smiles at me and I roll my eyes in disgust. "He know you're here?" she questions, leaning against the cold metal railing of the landing.
"Wouldn't be sitting on my ass on this cold floor if he did," I answer, looking towards the stairs, willing Archer to hurry the fuck up.
"We were happy you know. Archer and I, while you were gone," she says and I turn to meet her eyes, my eyebrows raised in a gesture of utter disbelief. "You might not believe it, but it's true. Hell, he might not even believe it. Remembers some fantasy of what you guys had. That shit ain't real though. I know that. I think even you know that. When he figures it out, he'll come to me," her words are delivered more desperately than she’d like, her voice pained, as though she’s trying to convince herself it's true.
I want to call her pathetic. Stupid for making herself believe that. But who am I to judge? I threw myself at Archer for months knowing he was done with me. I can't blame her for doing the same.
"Archer and me, we're cut from the same cloth you know,” she speaks again and I drop my head against Archer’s door to look at her. “Didn’t give a shit about anyone. Okay with the world judging who we were. Happy with one another. Who cares what anyone else thinks, right?"
