by Xavier Neal
I don't get another chance to object before shots start flying forcing my body down to the ground.
In a whisper I plead, “Merrick!”
“Please go...”
“Come with me.” There's a ping sound close by. “Please!”
“Just go baby! I'll be right behind.”
“But-”
Sharply he says, “Go!”
Not wanting to leave him, but not wanting to risk defying him any longer, I rush towards the end of the garage staying low, to avoid the shots that are still bouncing around. There's grumbles and muffled talks between the firing. Terrified I keep moving until I slide into the black car whose keys are thankfully in the ignition.
On a deep breath I hear Merrick's voice coaching me in my head. Reminding me to listen to her. To be one with her.
Yeah not the best time for zen shit, but it's the only way I'm gonna make it out of this unless you're driving!
I get the car started and pull out, getting one final glance at Merrick who is crouched behind a black car, firing shots at two men who are firing at him. Shifting gears I accelerate to a speed that moves me faster, but doesn't break the vehicle. Within seconds I see police cars and sirens rushing towards me. As my heart does it's best to settle back down in my chest, I slam on the breaks, jamming gears, but eventually getting it to stop.
Let's not worry about me messing up the tie man's car right now!
Jumping out of the parked car, I'm thankful the SUV that stops to help me contains the only other man in my life I love.
“Dad!”
“Jo'!” He shouts and pulls me firmly into his arms. “Thank God...Thank God.”
“Dad.” I pull back and look at the direction the police cars are headed. “Merrick's in there! We have to help get him out! We have to-” My words are cut short by the explosion that veers the cars that were traveling towards the building. Instantly a sharp scream shoots from me, “No!”
As if my words are gasoline for the fire, another explosion occurs, this one reaching the other part of the house we escaped from. Flames consume the mansion like a rabid, starving, wild animal.
“No!” Shaking my head I launch myself towards it, being grasped quickly by my father. “No! NO!”
“Jovi!” He screams pulling me back towards him.
“No!”
“Jovi!”
“Merrick...” I cry breathlessly. The flames continue licking the structures clean in front of me, no end to it's feast in sight. “Oh my God...Merrick...”
Watching the house burn to the ground and the love of my life die causes my body to give out from underneath me.
This. Can't. Be. Real.
Jovi
The paramedic continues checking my vitals while the officer tries to question me.
Not real sure how long he's been trying. Not sure of much. Part of me hopes that fire was the last of that drug I was slipped wearing off. I mean...it's gotta be right?
“Now, I know this is hard for you, Miss Carter,” the officer states as my father folds his arms across his chest. “But we really should discuss this information while it's fresh.”
“It can wait,” my father insists rubbing my shoulder. “She needs a minute.”
“I understand that Commissioner but-”
“No buts.”
“Was there...did that fire...” I whisper out as the paramedic now bandages a cut, rambling on at me about something.
I don't fucking care what he has to say. I'm clearly alive. I need to know...I need to make sure Merrick is.
“Was that real? Was that explosion real?”
“Yes,” the officer who was questioning me comments.
Feeling tears burn my eyes, I shut them, the air in my lungs abandoning me.
God I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
“Jovi,” my father's voice softly states. “Jovi, princess...Can you hear me?”
“She really needs to go to the hospital to be checked out,” the EMT states. “Too many of her vitals are unstable. Shock. Trauma. If she doesn't get them steady, things could get much worse.” His question turns to me. “Have you taken anything?”
“Um...” I sniffle and try to open my eyes. Once they are I look at him. “The tie man mentioned keeping me on something while I've been there.”
He nods and says to my father. “We need to get her to the hospital. Now.”
“Yes,” he agrees crawling into the back of the ambulance as they try to help me further in.
The officer objects, “But the questions-”
“Can wait or you can lose your badge,” my father firmly declares. “Now step the hell back.”
Doing as he was commanded the man steps away moments before I'm lowered onto my back, tears pouring out of me.
He's gone...he's really gone. My fiance. My whole world. He's gone. And for what? Trying to save me? This is my fault....We should've been in that car together. I should've fought harder! I should've died in that explosion with him!
Uncontrollably, I start to hysterically cry and flail around, the words from the EMT still not registering.
Fuck him! Fuck this! All of this! I just want Merrick! I just want…
There's an unexpected vibration through my system that shuts my eyes and my brain down.
Jovi
The steady beeping sound causes me to groan.
Most obnoxious text message ringer ever. Huh? What do you mean it's not a text message. Then what is it?
Opening my eyes, I immediately squint at the terrible lighting. As my eyes struggle to adjust, I'm thankful to see my dad and Nadie holding hands as they wait beside my bed.
Tragedy unites them again. Why is it some people can only find love when there's death? Oh no...death...
“Merrick!” I call out shooting up.
“Calm down,” Nadie rushes to me, helping to ease my body back against the pillows. “You have to remain calm, Jo'.”
“But Merrick!”
“Is gone, Jovi.” my father assures in a quiet tone. Standing he joins Nadie's side and places a hand on top of mine. “The fire was real. The explosion was real. Losing him was real.”
The callous way he states the facts enrages me. Snatching my hand away from him, I shake my head. “He could've survived.”
“He didn't.”
“How do you know?” I bite back as my eyes that already feel puffy, swell with tears. “How do you know that?”
“I had them check,” he assures me. “I had them check for you.”
My jaw starts to shake as the idea of breathing on my own becomes a foreign concept. Falling backwards onto the pillow. I begin to let the tears pour out of me in silence.
I don't know what to say...
Nadie sniffles and finds my hand again. “We're glad you're safe Jo'. We're glad he brought you back to us.”
Without saying anything I continue to cry helplessly.
“We were so scared,” Nadie keeps talking, her thumb stroking the back of my hand. “We're glad you're finally okay.”
“I'm not okay,” I whisper back. Shaking my head profusely I let the tears roll. Shock. Anger. Sadness. All three seem to cycle through me at such a rapid rate I don't know which to hold on to. “I'm nowhere near fucking okay.”
“The doctor will be in shortly to discuss what your body has been through,” Nadie continues as I hadn't said what I did. “What you will need to do to get it back to normal. Trauma counseling-”
“I don't need counseling!” I shout. “I need Merrick!”
“You never needed him,” my father bites. “If it wasn't for him, you wouldn't be here!”
“You don't know him!”
“I met him!” He raises his voice at me. “I met him when he was on my doorstep explaining how he got my daughter kidnapped!”
Perplexed I whisper, “He came to you for help?”
Nodding, my father clears his throat. “He did. Because he loved you. He loved you enough to give you back to me.” Tears fill my eyes again and in a very conc
erned voice, as if his own tears are close by, he asks, “Why Jovi? Why would you run off and get married and not tell me?”
“Would you have listened?”
“You didn't give me the choice.”
“Like you ever have?” The argument causes him to look off. More tears try to suffocate me, so I shut my eyes again. “I'm not sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't wanna give him up...”
And yet I had to anyway. Please tell me this pain in my chest will stop. Please tell me it's not permanent.
The nurse enters the room and Nadie backs away slowly to give her space to examine me. Lifelessly I lay here, anything she says sliding in one ear and out the other.
What could she possibly have to say that matters?
Once she exits, silence fills the room. Somehow instead of finding peace in it, it seems to act as a megaphone for my heart that's beating too hard.
Can you literally hear someone's heart breaking? Can you actually die of a broken one?
“Jo,” my father's voice calls to me.
Opening my eyes I roll my head over to face him.
“The doctor will be in shortly. Then the police.” I don't object. I simply continue to stare. “They're going to ask you a few questions. I need you to answer them the best you can. Don't get frustrated. Chances are you won't remember much. The Devil-”
“Was the man with the tie?”
“He was.” His face stiffens, but he tries to push through his own pain. “He kept you heavily medicated the days you were there. On the market they call it 'A Clean Sweeper.' It's a combination of certain drugs, two legal, one not, that keeps the mind blank without harming the system. So, just...whatever you can remember, tell them that.”
I open my mouth to say something when it trembles instead.
“It's gonna be hard,” he continues, swallowing his own emotions. “But just do what you can and remember I won't sleep 'til we catch this son of a bitch.”
Shutting my eyes again, I feel more tears joining the others unsure how to do anything else.
I was kidnapped, shot at, and lost the one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. What else is there to do other than cry?
Jovi
Time has come and gone. Not sure how many days. I've spent most of them in my room crying. Violently at times. Hard enough to make me vomit at others. The pain is so harsh and real that I haven't made sense of what else to do with my life. How to move on? Do I get to move on? Do I...Do I want to move on?
Nadie turns over her shoulder and asks, “Are you sure you wanna do this?”
I glance at the house I felt like I was just in for a different funeral. It wasn't more than a couple weeks ago.
Amazing how quickly life can be taken from you, isn't it?
“We don't have to go,” Hayli whispers from beside me, squeezing my hand tightly. “We can say our goodbyes later. When you're ready.”
“No.” I shake my head staring blankly at the house. “Now. I wanna be here for his send off. I want...I need to do this.”
The three of us climb out of the SUV and start towards the house. Each foot in front of the other is harder than the last. The air surrounding us, that's already hot, seems to be increasing in temperature, closing in around us at such a swift pace, I abruptly end up stopping dead in my tracks.
Panic attacks. I'm told these are a panic attack. That they'll pass. That they're a part of grieving. I don't give a shit what they are. I need them to stop. I can't fucking live like this.
“Jo,” Hayli's voice whispers, while I use my thumb to inch my ring up and down my finger.
“Let me walk her,” a male voice causes me to lift my head. My eyes meet with one of Triple D's. “Can I walk you?”
I don't know which one he is. They really do look just the fuck alike.
I nod, but Hayli looks skeptical. She hesitates, yet eventually hurries ahead to walk with Nadie. The two of us don't move until they're much closer to the house. He extends his arm for support.
Quietly I confess my confusion, “You're....which one?”
He cocks a soft smile. “Destin.”
“The one who's big into computer stuff?”
“That's me,” he sweetly acknowledges. “I was also the one who was closest to Merrick besides Ben.”
Hearing their names together again creates new solace at the same time a hint of peace.
I tore them apart and put them back together...
“Growing up Drew was so busy trying to be like Madden and Daniel was so busy trying to stand out that, I guess we just clicked in our own ways. Merrick liked to tag-”
“Paint,” I correct him quickly.
His face twitches a smile. “Paint. And I liked to draw for a while...”
“You don't anymore?”
With a guilty expression he shakes his head.
“Why not?”
“Racing bikes...the shop...working for...it all got in the way. I wasn't like Merrick. I wasn't determined to keep that piece of me. I let it fade. Made more room to learn the trade. Girls. Parties.”
Bluntly I remark, “Sounds empty.”
Destin's eyes cut to me. “You don't realize just how much until your family starts dying around you. It acts as the biggest wake-up call that maybe the life you were living wasn't worth shit.”
Hearing his confession moves my body into his. Sweetly he drapes an arm around my shoulder. Tears begin to gather quickly. Before they can choke my voice I cry out, “I'm sorry. This is all my fault.”
“It's not.” He stops us before we enter the house. Looking down at me he states. “I need you to get that before we walk back there. It's not your fault. It's not Madden's fault. It's no one's fault. We all like to believe if we would've done something different he'd still be alive. He did that with Ben. Fact is, if it wasn't trying to save you, it would've been something else. Probably something less honorable. Truth is Jovi, I'm glad he died trying to make his life better and fix his mistakes, rather than dying trying to fill his pockets with cash he didn't need. Remember that as guilt tries to destroy you, Jovi. He died for the person he loved and nothing else.”
Is he right? Is that how I should be looking at this?
The two of us walk through the house and out the back, taking the same path Merrick and I took for Ben. Walking around to where everyone is gathered feels surreal. The timing for this feels wrong. I shouldn't be here yet.
I shouldn't be here until I'm seventy with grandchildren at my feet and children helping me stay upright. Not now. Not days before I turn twenty two.
Destin brings us to the spot between the rest of Triple D and Hayli, who's curled up with Nadie. Looking around it seems like the expressions on their face are even more broken than when we buried Ben. My eyes can't stop from falling on Madden who is leaned on a shovel with his head down. In front of him is a headstone with Merrick's name on it. On a long deep breath, I try to make it through the tears that have arrived again. Destin pulls me in tighter. There's a lingering silence for a moment, but it seems to be more than enough to get everyone's emotions boiling.
Finally Drew, lifts the red can, and manages to say, “Paint the sky baby brother,” before his own emotions cut him off completely. He gives it a double tap and passes it to Daniel, eyes never leaving the hole waiting for his remains.
“If you tag a rainbow make sure God is looking the other way,” Daniel advises through a sniffle. “He probably isn't gonna see it as art like you always did.”
I can't do this...
Destin clutches the can and lets out a deep sigh, tears dripping on to it. “I knew this would be hard, but um...Just know, I don't think there was anything more noble to die for. You saved her. You protected us. Now take a minute and just rest baby bro'.”
His double tap echoes so loudly I think it's gonna burst my ear drums. I take the can, grip so shaky, I fear I'm going to drop him. Destin gives my back a soothing rub.
Shutting my eyes I say, “You owe me a wedding.” There's a little ch
uckle from the crowd and for just a moment I feel like I might make it. “I just want you to know I loved you in life and I'll love you in death. I'll never love anyone else. You created miracles in my world and if you wanna create me one more and hop out of this can, I swear I'll never ask for another...” A deep sigh comes out of me as I open my eyes to stare at the remains. “I love you. All of you. The McCoy. Ghost. And most importantly Merrick. The one only I got to see. Keep an eye out on me.”
