“Then let’s leave it at that, Knox.” She tried not to let his evasion intrigue her. If he needed time to open up to her, she could give him all the time he needed. She wasn’t going anywhere, and neither was he. “What happens from here?”
“We date, if you want.”
“I’d like that.”
“Then we buy a house in Bear Creek, if this is where you want to live.”
“A house!” Hannah needed more wine.
“I can’t stay with Jamie forever. Once I’ve helped him with his renovations, I’ll move out. And even if we don’t move in together right away, one day we will.”
“That’s it, our future all planned out.” She collected the plates and put them in the sink.
“If that’s what you want. If you don’t, I’ll walk away.” He rubbed his hand over his face, hiding his emotions.
“Do you want to walk away?” Hannah tugged her robe tighter around her body, wishing she was wearing clothes.
He looked down at his feet. “It might be best for you if I did.” He looked up, meeting her eyes directly. “I want you so much. But all my life, people around me get hurt. It’s like I’m rotten inside and it spreads out, killing everything I hold dear.” His voice cracked with raw emotion. “I should go.”
“Knox…” Hannah grabbed hold of his arm and pulled him back toward her. “Don’t leave like this.”
“I need you, Hannah, and I’ve never needed anything in my life. I’ve lived without parents, I’ve lived without love, but I don’t know if I can live without you.”
“Then don’t.” Was it that simple?
“What if I taint you? What if it’s like a family curse?”
“You mean because your mom died?”
“I said I don’t remember my dad, but that’s not true. I remember the tears, I remember the haunting howl of his bear. The loss ripped him apart. I would rather live in a world knowing you were alive and apart from me, than live in a world where you do not exist.”
“Knox, I don’t believe in luck, good or bad. I believe we make our own destiny. That’s what I tell people every day. If I didn’t believe that, I couldn’t help people.” She jabbed her finger in his chest. “So get over it.”
“What about fate? It brought us together.”
“For a reason. Maybe I’m in your life to give you a swift kick up the ass and tell you to live each day as it comes, and make your own luck.”
“Maybe you are.” He pulled her into his arms, his hands dragging her robe from her body, then he made love to her again and again. Whatever he was hiding from, whatever he was trying to chase away, she would lend her strength to him. Hannah would give him whatever he needed, because deep down, she knew they belonged together.
Chapter Eight – Knox
“And what time do you call this?” Jamie asked with a grin as Knox entered the kitchen early the next morning. “No phone call, no text.”
“Funny, man, real funny.” Knox gratefully accepted the cup of coffee Jamie handed him.
“So, spill. You were in town less than an hour and you met your mate, and never thought to tell me.” Jamie leaned back on the counter, a glint in his eye as the teasing continued.
“I wasn’t sure how to handle it.” Knox wanted some honest advice, and Jamie was the man he needed it from.
“But you’ve handled it now? That is where you’ve been all night?”
“Yeah.” Knox rubbed his hand over his hair; it was already growing longer than regulation army.
“And?”
“And Hannah is great, amazing. Too good to be true.” His breath shuddered in his chest. “And I am scared. More than at any time in my life.”
“Of losing her?” Jamie frowned. “You’re a good man.”
“It’s not about being good, is it? We both know that.” He pushed off from the counter and walked to look out of the window. The first signs of spring were showing, small green shoots, the promise of new life.
“You mean the ambush? That wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but the bastard who planted the bomb.” Jamie’s voice filled with uncharacteristic vehemence.
“Why didn’t I die? All those around me die, but not me.”
Jamie stood silent. The clock in the living room ticked the minutes away as the two men stood wrapped in their own thoughts. At last, Jamie came to stand beside Knox, placing his coffee cup down on the counter.
“Life happens. You were not responsible for what happened to your parents. Your aunt had her own issues. And the others… None of it was your fault. You were just the person who was there.”
“I should have been the one leading the squad. Instead, I was at the back. If Smithy hadn’t taken the lead, it would have been me. I’m bad luck.”
“Get over yourself, man. You think the world revolves around you. News flash, it doesn’t. The world moves on no matter what. Crap happens to people every day. But good things happen too. Maybe this is supposed to be where you were meant to be. The route you were supposed to take.”
“In Bear Creek?”
“Why not? It’s a good town. There are people here that need help. Get out there and help them. If you want to dwell in guilt, then make yourself useful while you do it.” Jamie was fierce; he believed in what he was saying, and Knox wanted to believe too.
“You never get scared?”
“Are you kidding? Every fucking day!” Jamie gave a short laugh. “When I moved back here, when I saw Juliet and Jasper for the first time, I wanted to turn and run. What the hell did I know about looking after kids? But I was all they had. All that stood between them and a foster home. And then what? What if they got split up? What if they never knew who their parents were?”
“I’m scared to let someone else in.” Knox shook his head and slammed his hand down on the counter. “They were my friends, my family. And just like that! Boom! They were gone!” Anger filled him, strong and bitter. It rose up like a torrent inside him, and he wanted to shout at the world and tell it to go fuck itself!
“Don’t throw it all away, man. Don’t let the piece of garbage who killed them win. If you don’t live your life, they win. If you make a life here, or wherever else you want, a good, happy life, then you win. And Smithy and the others win too. You did your best.”
“But not enough.”
“From what I heard, you went above and beyond to get them out of there when the shit hit the fan. At least two people are alive because of your actions that day. If you had been leading the unit and died, those two people might have died too. You know that. Don’t let your guilt take it away.”
“If. Such an insidious word.” Knox pointed to his head. “It gets in there and worms around.”
“You are strong. You did the right thing. Kevlar told me you acted bravely under duress. You saved two people, and I doubt they would say you were bad luck.”
Knox wiped a hand across his eyes. “Thanks, Jamie.”
“You’re welcome.” Jamie grabbed their mugs and refilled them. “Have you eaten?”
“Yeah, I ate breakfast with Hannah.”
“Good, then let’s go hit some shit with a hammer and get this extension finished.” Jamie slapped him on the back. “You need a talk, I’m here, anytime. And Caroline lives in town too. She’ll kick you into shape if you need it.”
“I’d like to catch up with her.” Knox added, “Unless she’s all la-di-da now she has a movie star husband.”
“Oh, she’s kicked him into shape too. He tried to run from his problems, but she hauled his ass down off the mountain. You don’t mess with my sister.” Jamie’s pride in his sister was well known and well respected. She could look after herself, but if you back-talked her, or hurt her in any way, Jamie would rip your head off.
“I’m ready for work.”
“Come on.” Jamie led the way into the extension.
“Where do we start?” Knox put his coffee down and rubbed his hands together as he surveyed the extension.
“We
need to get the drywall up. Then plaster.” Jamie pointed around the room.
“Let’s do it.” It would be good to build something, to help this incredible family who had offered him a place to stay.
They worked hard, the exercise unkinking Knox’s muscles. As he focused on mundane tasks, his head began to clear. Since the ambush, his life had whizzed by on fast-forward; his discharge from the army had passed in a daze of grief, his journey back filled with bleak thoughts. Then meeting Hannah…she had consumed him. The raging argument in his head as to whether she would be better without him in her life was now resolved.
He breathed, and the weight pressing down on his chest shifted. Jamie was right, he deserved a shot at a good normal life, with kids. Lightning rarely struck twice, and his fear that he would lose Hannah if he stayed with her, that she might die in childbirth like his own mother, was unfounded.
“Late lunch?” Jamie asked as they stood back, admiring their work. “Dani and the kids will be home shortly, I think we’re done for the day.
“Yeah, do you mind if I take a shower?” Knox asked.
“So you smell sweet for your sweetheart?” Jamie teased, the tension between them gone.
“I was thinking of taking her to dinner. I might also stop by some real estate agents and take a look at what kind of property I can buy in Bear Creek. I’ve got a good amount of money stashed away, but with no job, I won’t get a mortgage.”
“I’ll ask around if anyone is hiring. I’m sure Caroline will hire you over at the brewery, even if it’s only temporary.”
“Caroline has a brewery?” Knox asked.
“That beer you drank the first night. Bear Creek Honey Beer. The brewery belongs to her husband, but he’s a good man. Or Will Frasier, he runs a project that aims to help young people. Lots of opportunity for a man with your skill set.”
“Thanks, Jamie.” Knox liked the idea of helping young people. When Hannah told him about the kid who lost his father, it hit a nerve, made him want to do better, to help people less fortunate. He’d been in a bad place when the colonel took him in. He owed the guy big time. He just wasn’t ready to face him yet.
“We stick together.” Jamie’s smile faltered. “You know when I heard the news, the guilt got me too. What if I hadn’t left to bring up the kids? What if I’d been there for you all?” His voice faltered. “You are right, if is an insidious word.”
Jamie went to make them some food, while Knox showered and went over Jamie’s confession. There was no way Jamie shared any responsibility for what happened. Maybe it was time Knox forgave himself and moved on.
Hannah deserved a man devoted to her. Not one who was torn between the past and the present. She was what mattered now. If he committed to a future with her, it had to be a total commitment. The past would always haunt him, but he would no longer let it rule him.
Chapter Nine – Hannah
Dinner?
Hannah picked up her phone and glanced at the message. It was from Knox. Her stomach erupted, a million tiny bubbles fizzing and popping at the thought of him. His hands, his mouth… Her work, which normally consumed her, took second place to Knox.
Yes. Where? xox
Were the kisses too much? Hannah sent the message anyway. The closeness she shared with Knox was not a thing she could hide, or would want to hide. She was an affectionate woman, and Knox needed to get used to that. Color rose in her cheeks: last night had taught him she was more than affectionate. Passionate might be one more word he could associate with his mate.
Mates. What did that even mean? Hannah knew what it meant to Knox. He was a bear shifter, and Suzie had explained how the whole thing worked. But what did it mean to a non-shifter? Her phone buzzed and she read the next text from Knox with a smile.
I’ll surprise you x
Hannah hit reply.
Can’t wait xox
Grabbing her empty coffee cup, she went out to get a refill and see if Suzie was free. It was late afternoon and they were both catching up on paperwork. After refilling her own cup, she grabbed a fresh cup for Suzie and took it to her office.
“Knock, knock.” Hannah pushed Suzie’s door open. “Coffee?”
“Please, you are a lifesaver.” Suzie placed the piece of paper she’d been reading down on the desk and stood up to stretch. “I could do without this part of the job.”
“Me too.” Hannah sipped her coffee. “Can we talk?”
Suzie came around the desk and perched on the edge. “Sure, what’s up?”
“It’s personal, not professional.”
“Oh, in that case, let me grab the cookies.” Suzie went back around her desk and opened the top drawer, and took out a packet of chocolate chip cookies.
“Thanks.” Hannah took one and ate it while she tried to figure out how to phrase what she wanted to know. “It’s about shifter men.”
“I figured as much.” Suzie gave a knowing smile. “You were glowing when you came in this morning.”
Hannah put her hand up to her cheek. “Really? That obvious.”
“You know what it’s like, we learn a lot from people by their body language and expressions. I used my superpowers on you. Was it good?” Suzie giggled as she took a gulp of her coffee.
“It was very good,” Hannah confessed. “Not just the sex. The connection.”
“I’m so happy for you, Hannah. I really am.”
“So do you feel the same connection? Shifters know they have met their mate. I didn’t expect to feel the same way. Or am I imagining it?”
“No, it’s different with Kit than with any other man. There is a connection. Like a thin thread that connects us wherever we are.”
“That’s just it.” She drank her coffee, trying to decide if she wanted to voice her next thoughts. Hannah trusted Suzie, but somehow to admit she was worried about Knox was a betrayal.
“How is he holding up?” Suzie was broaching the subject for her.
“He’s worried he’s bad luck. Knox hasn’t told me what happened, why he left the army, but something bad happened.” Hannah continued, “He said he would leave if that was what I wanted. He’s scared that history will repeat itself. He believes he’s jinxed.”
“You told him that was garbage, right?”
“I did. I think I got through to him. But without all the details, I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”
“All I know, from what Kit told me…you know how men like to talk? One night shortly after Jamie heard the news about what happened to Knox, he went for a run on the mountain. Some of the other guys met up with him and he spilled. Knox’s squad got ambushed and most of them were killed.”
Hannah nearly dropped her cup. Her hand flew to her mouth as she tried to swallow the bile rising up from her stomach. “That’s terrible.”
“I can understand why he might not want to talk about it,” Suzie said gently.
“I guessed it must have been bad.” Hannah wanted to rush over to Bear Creek and find Knox and tell him she could make it better, that they could build a life and have kids, and he would forget. She wanted to smother him with her love.
“Give him time, let him tell you when he’s ready.” Suzie placed her cup down on her desk. “If you ever need to talk, I’m here, in confidence. I won’t even tell Kit. You know how men like to gossip.”
“Thanks, Suzie. You’re a good friend.” Hannah wiped a stray tear form her cheek.
“So, the sex?” Suzie steered the conversation away from Knox’s past. Instead, they spent the next five minutes laughing as Suzie tried to get all the juicy details about last night’s encounter from a tight-lipped Hannah.
“Some things stay in the bedroom,” Hannah told her friend firmly. She looked at her watch. “I have to get back to work.”
“Remember, anytime,” Suzie called after her as she left the office.
As she walked back down the corridor, her phone buzzed with a text. Hannah took it out of her pocket, expecting a text from Knox with a suggestion for a re
staurant. Instead, she saw a message from Sandra.
Please call me when you have time x
Hannah sat down at her desk, concern growing as she tapped her phone and brought up Sandra’s number. She could hardly breathe as she waited for Sandra to answer. Maybe she was overreacting and this was Sandra calling to say everything was OK.
“Hi, Sandra,” Hannah said when Sandra answered the phone. “How are things?”
“Thanks so much for calling, Hannah. I thought we were through the worst. Last night after you left, we talked and talked. I thought I’d gotten through to him. But I’ve just gotten home from work to find Dustin gone.”
“Maybe he’s just gone out to meet up with friends.”
“He left a note.”
Hannah’s heart stalled in her chest. “What kind of note?”
“He said he wanted to be near his dad on his birthday.” Sandra’s voice caught in her throat, but she tried to stay strong. “He’s taken his backpack, there’s some food missing. Chips and snacks, mainly.”
Hannah relaxed a little. “Sandra, do you think he’s gone to the place Lex died?”
“I don’t know. It’s such a long way.”
“Do you know the exact spot?”
“Not exactly. But Sheriff Brad will be able to tell you.” Her breath shuddered. “Do you really think that’s where he’s gone?”
“If he’s taken food, then yes, that would be my first guess. Unless he’s gone to Lex’s grave.”
“I already checked there. I was scared he’s thinking of killing himself.”
“That rules that out. Sandra, this sounds more like a boy wanting to reconnect with his father. Did anything else happen?”
“Not that I know of. He was fine last night. I spoke to him this morning, he even told me he loved me. Then this afternoon I get home and he’s gone.”
“OK, sit tight, I’ll go and speak to Brad, see what he suggests. As soon as we have a plan, I’ll let you know.”
“Thank you, Hannah. Thank you so much.”
“We’ll get him back, Sandra.” Hannah didn’t usually make promises, but she had to do whatever it took to get Dustin home. Gathering up her purse, she scrolled through her phone as she headed down the corridor to Suzie’s office. She tapped the Facebook icon, then scrolled through to Dustin’s profile and checked his newsfeed. “Dammit.”
Hero Bear: Paranormal Romance (Return to Bear Creek Book 13) Page 6
