Diary of a Real Payne Book 3

by Annie Tipton

  EJ’s chest felt warm and she smiled at her little brother as he lay back and started loudly counting the tiles on the ceiling, off in his own little world.

  Chapter 10

  ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING

  April 13

  Dear Diary,

  My infant home care professional certification is framed and on the wall in my bedroom. I have my Babysitting 101 handbook ready, complete with my own notes in the margins and Post-its marking the most important pages. There’s a list of emergency numbers posted on the wall next to the phone in the kitchen. I’m dressed in comfortable clothes (jeans and a well-worn Spooner Elementary School hoodie), my hair is pulled back into a ponytail, and I am not wearing any jewelry that a baby can yank and break. My hands are washed and dried, and I drank a bottle of water so I am well-hydrated and feeling fantastic.

  Let’s do this babysitting thing!

  Mom has parent-teacher conferences (as the teacher, this time) for a couple of hours tonight, and Dad is leading a Bible study at church. So for the first time ever, I will be large and in charge at home as babysitter extraordinaire. Isaac wasn’t too keen on the idea of me being his babysitter—“I’m six! I haven’t been a baby for at least five years!” he said. (Side note: Isaac threw a temper tantrum last week when he couldn’t get a knot out of his shoelace, so I personally think he might actually still be a baby.) Mom told Isaac he could be my assistant, but only if he accepted two Chips Ahoy cookies as payment. Isaac counter-offered by saying he would only accept Oreos. (Another side note: Mom doesn’t know about the Oreo training, so the whole thing was a pretty funny coincidence.) When Isaac left the room, Mom told me in a low voice that was an innocent trick to make Isaac okay with the babysitting situation. And she said I might even get him to help me out by referring to him as my “assistant.”

  That Mom. She’s pretty smart. (Obviously that’s where I get it.)

  I’d better go downstairs for last-minute instructions from Mom before she heads out the door. If I time this right, I might get her to change one more diaper before she leaves (aka one less diaper that I’ll have to change).

  I’ve got this babysitting thing in the bag.

  EJ

  “Okay, Faith, here are the plans for tonight.” EJ paced in front of the crib and used her best I’m-in-charge voice. “First, your after-dinner nap.”

  Faith pressed her face through the crib bars like a prisoner yearning to get out of jail and watched EJ carefully.

  “Then your bath, followed by some playtime. And finally, to bed.” Faith blew some slobbery raspberries to let EJ know what she thought about those plans.

  EJ pressed a button on her wristwatch. “Mom said you’d sleep for about an hour, so I’m starting the timer. Go to sleep … now.”

  “That’s not how Marmalade does it.” Isaac stood in the doorway. “She rocks Faith in the glider till she falls asleep.”

  “Oh, she does? Okay.” EJ sized up Faith, who was now standing in the crib, peering at her big sister, grinning. She was a lot bigger than Abner, the infant simulator, so rocking Faith to sleep might be a challenge. “Thanks, Isaac.”

  “Your infant home care assistant, at your service.” Isaac bowed. “If you need me, I’ll be building a Lego castle in my room that will soon be invaded by dinosaurs and storm troopers in twenty minutes.” Isaac spun around in a superhero-like move and streaked down the hallway.

  Faith giggled and squealed excitedly at Isaac’s dramatic exit.

  “All right, girlie. Nap time.” EJ lowered the light in the room with the dimmer on the wall and turned on a night-light that spun slowly, projecting images of colorful flowers on the wall. Faith’s face lit up at the sight of the flowers—as if they were the best thing she’d ever seen. EJ smiled and picked Faith up from the crib, grunting a little in the process.

  “I need to start lifting weights,” EJ said, settling on the chair and pulling Faith on her lap. “You’re a bowling ball that’s too heavy for me.”

  “Ba-ba-ba,” Faith echoed the sounds she heard from EJ’s mouth.

  “Yep, that’s good, Faith.” She leaned back in the glider and tried to hold Faith the way she’d seen Mom hold her while she slept. “B-b-ball.”

  Faith’s feet hung off of EJ’s lap, and her tiny fingers clutched onto handfuls of Spooner Elementary hoodie fabric. EJ’s lap felt much too small, and Faith felt much too big. Forget about head and neck support; one wrong move by either of them and Faith could easily slip off. EJ was completely uncomfortable, and judging by the look on Faith’s face, she was not only uncomfortable, but fearing for her life.

  “All right then, Plan B.” EJ stood and hoisted Faith back into her crib. Then she took her wristwatch off and swung it like a pendulum in front of Faith’s face. “You’re getting sleepy. Very, very sleepy.” Faith’s chubby hand grabbed the watch with a death grip and tried pulling it to her mouth.

  “No! No! Yucky!” It took all of EJ’s strength to pry Faith’s surprisingly strong fingers from the watch.

  Just then, Bert trotted into the room to see what all the commotion was about. A crazy idea flashed across EJ’s mind—so crazy that it just might work.

  “Hey, Bertie, you wanna help me with something, boy?” Bert wagged his tail. One of Faith’s new favorite things to do was dress up her dolls in different clothes, so maybe …

  A few minutes later, Bert was less than impressed with the outfit EJ had dressed him in … a diaper and one of Faith’s flower headbands. “All you have to do is pretend to go to sleep,” Faith explained to him. “She likes to imitate others, so maybe if Faith sees you go to sleep, she’ll do the same thing.”

  Faith’s dark eyes locked on the dressed-up Bert as he sighed and turned in three circles before lying down amid a herd of stuffed animals propped next to the changing table. For added believability, he started snoring. “Good job, Bert,” EJ whispered. Then she realized he was actually asleep. Now if only Faith would fall asleep that easily.

  EJ glanced back at the crib and saw that Faith was lying down as well, watching Bert through the bars of the crib. Now, just close your eyes, EJ silently pleaded with Faith. But a few seconds later, Faith must’ve realized that the Bert show was over because she rolled over and pushed herself up while letting loose with a “Baaaaaa–eeeeeeeee–iiiiiii–aaaaaaaah!” that sounded a little bit like a Tarzan yell.

  Bert bolted up and gave a deep warning bark (EJ couldn’t blame him—the sound Faith had just made was terrifying!). Bert’s bark scared Faith, who immediately burst into tears.

  “Shhh, shhh. It’s okay.” EJ picked up the crying Faith and tried to comfort her. Bert resumed his spot among the animals and watched them warily. “You scared Bert, and Bert scared you.”

  EJ handed Faith her favorite teething toy from the diaper bag next to the rocking chair, a squeezy giraffe that squeaked. Faith stopped crying and gnawed on the giraffe’s neck, and EJ set her on the floor. She found a pack of mint gum in the diaper bag and popped a piece in her mouth. Chewing gum always helped her think.

  Squeak. Squeak-squeak-squeak. Rocking didn’t work. Hypnotism was a bust. Trying to get Faith to follow Bert’s lead ended in tears. Squeakity-squea-squea-SQUEAK!

  With Faith distracted by the squeaker toy, EJ turned to the “What to Do When Baby Won’t Sleep” section in her Babysitting 101 handbook sitting on top of the changing table. She read:

  Nap time can be a big challenge for the babysitter. Without the normal rituals that a parent may provide, babies may have a difficult time falling asleep. Or, because they have someone new and different to interact with, babies may be more interested in playing than sleeping. A babysitter can use this to her advantage. Short bursts of high-energy play may be just the thing for tiring a baby for nap time.

  “Perfect!” EJ snapped her fingers. “Faith, how about a dance party?”

  Squeeeeeeeeeeeak. EJ took that as a yes. She double-checked the floor where Faith was sitting to make sure there was nothing dangerous around her.
“Be right back. Bert, you’re in charge.” Bert snorted. EJ sprinted next door to her room and grabbed her desktop stereo and mini MP3 player and was back rounding the doorway in less than eight seconds.

  “What do we feel like? How about some oldie—” The scene in front of EJ made her stop short. Somehow—in just eight seconds—Faith had traveled the ten feet from where EJ had left her on the floor to the diaper bag and had opened an entire box of animal crackers and crushed them into crumbs and was now grinding them into the carpet with her hands. Faith giggled as Bert licked animal cracker dust off her left cheek.

  “Never leave baby unattended.” Miss Debbie’s warning filled EJ’s brain. Too late. The damage was already done.

  “Ahh! Faith! Bert!” Faith glanced up from her delightfully fun animal cracker mess and grinned at EJ. Bert, realizing they were probably in trouble, took a few steps from Faith and sat on his diapered bottom, putting on his best it-was-the-baby’s-idea face.

  “Let’s clean this up,” EJ said. She couldn’t help but be impressed with the speed at which Faith was able to make such a colossal mess as she used a wet wipe to clean Faith’s hands and face and brush away the crumbs from her onesie. She slid Faith away from the crumbs and pulled the vacuum cleaner out of the closet. “Cleaning is always better after a little dancing, anyway.” Leaving the vacuum standing in the middle of the room, EJ flipped through the songs on her MP3 player.

  “Oh yeah, here’s a good one.” A few moments later, the bass line of the song “Twist and Shout” blared from the small speakers. Faith clapped excitedly as EJ picked her up and started twisting in time to the music. During the chorus, EJ set Faith on her feet on the floor. Faith’s fingers curled around EJ’s pointer fingers, and they both did the twist.

  “Nice moves, Faith-girl!” Faith let go of EJ’s fingers and wobbled for a second before expertly falling on her diaper-padded bottom. EJ took the opportunity to really amp up her moves and show Faith what a great dancer she was. EJ was getting into the dancing so much that she didn’t realize when she bumped into the diaper bag, tipping it over. Faith babbled and giggled and clapped.

  The multicolored stage lights flash and the roar of the sold-out stadium crowd washes over international pop sensation EJ Payne. She looks out across the thousands of adoring eyes that are all waiting for her to perform. She flashes a bright smile and waves, sending the crowd into another wave of excitement.

  “Any babysitters out there tonight?” EJ grips the microphone and points into the stands while the babysitters scream and whistle. “I’m dedicating this one to you babysitters—and the babies who need to burn up some energy before nap time!”

  The spotlights swivel and the boppy music starts up. A specialeffects machine blows white fog onto the stage, and it billows around EJ’s ankles as she starts to sing, “Well, shake it up, baby, now! Twist and shout!”

  EJ takes a breath before singing the next line, but coughs as she inhales some kind of powder from the fog….

  “Oh, no”—cough, cough, sputter—“Faith!” EJ let go of the vacuum handle that she’d been singing into like a microphone. Frustrated with herself for getting sucked into a daydream while babysitting, EJ took an open bottle of baby powder from Faith, who had been squeezing and shaking the powder so that thick clouds of white hung in the air. A fine layer of powder was quickly landing on every surface in the room.

  “What a mess.” EJ surveyed the destruction. Bert had had enough and shook the powder from his coat before trotting out of the room to go see what Isaac was up to.

  “Meh.” The powder in Faith’s dark hair made her look like she was going gray. “Meh. Ssss.”

  “Faith, is that your first word?” EJ sat down next to her and brushed some of the powder out of Faith’s hair. “Mess. Mess?”

  “Meh. Sss.” That was close enough to “mess” for EJ. She picked her sister up and gave her a big hug.

  “You are the smartest baby ever in the history of babies!” EJ kissed the top of Faith’s head, but as EJ pulled her face away, the gum in her mouth got stuck in the baby’s spiky hair. Before EJ could even realize what had happened, Faith’s chubby hand was squishing and mashing the gum into her hair. EJ couldn’t even believe her eyes. How much more could go wrong during her first time babysitting?

  Faith pulled her hand away from her head, causing a long strand of gooey, sticky gum to form from the wad in her hair. EJ grabbed another wet wipe and used it to wipe the gum from Faith’s hand, but getting the matted gum out of her hair was going to be another thing altogether. She had to get everything under control—the animal cracker crumbs, the powder mess, and now the gum—before Mom or Dad got home. Otherwise she might become a famous babysitter—but only famous for having the shortest babysitting career ever.

  “Infant Home Care Assistant Isaac,” EJ called. “I need you, please!”

  EJ flipped though Babysitting 101, anxiously looking for something—anything—that could help get her out of this predicament. Aside from a short entry about permitting children to chew gum only with a parent’s permission, there was nothing else about gum or gum removal that she could find.

  “Give me some scissors.” EJ spun around to see Isaac standing over Faith, surveying the glob of goo. “She’d look great with a bald spot. Might even start a trend.”

  “No! We’re not cutting her hair!” EJ had flashbacks to Mom finding out that she’d accidentally cut a bald spot on Isaac’s head when she was imagining that she was a world-famous hair stylist. “There’s got to be another way.” EJ scrunched her face and thought hard.

  “Mrs. Winkle will know what to do!” EJ snatched the cordless phone from the table next to the rocking chair and pressed the speed-dial button for her neighbor’s cell phone. The line made a clicking noise and went straight to voice mail. EJ ended the call and immediately dialed the Russells’ home number. Macy always had good ideas and had even been in Girl Scouts for a couple of years. Maybe she could tell EJ how to remove gum from Faith’s hair.

  “You’ve reached the Russell residence.” The recorded voices of all four Russells came through the phone’s earpiece. “We’re probably at one of Bryan’s mathlete tournaments or at Macy’s gymnastics competitions, but leave your name and number—” EJ pressed the red button to end the call.

  Should she call Mom? No, this wasn’t really an emergency. Faith wasn’t hurt and she wasn’t in any kind of danger—EJ watched as Faith clapped her hands and gleefully watched the excess baby powder fly into the air. And she could still salvage this babysitting fiasco, but not without help. She needed someone with excellent babysitting skills—someone who had done it all before. Someone….

  “CoraLee.” EJ breathed the name and immediately knew that was who she should call. But what if CoraLee did nothing but make fun of her? Or what if she tattled on EJ to Mom? Would CoraLee even help her? EJ took a deep breath and punched the speed-dial button for the McCallisters. “Here goes nothin’.”

  Female Voice: Hello?

  EJ: [nervously] Um, hi. Is this CoraLee?

  Voice: No, this is her little sister, Katy. Who is this?

  EJ: [relaxes] Oh, hi Katy. This is EJ.

  Katy: EJ! Hi! How’s it going? And why are you calling my sister?

  Great, even Katy thinks this is totally weird, EJ thought.

  EJ: Well, see, I need … her help with something. Would you put her on the phone?

  Katy: CORALEE, EJ PAYNE IS ON THE PHONE FOR YOU!

  EJ pulled the receiver away too late to avoid getting an earful of Katy’s shout.

  Katy: Here she is. [whispers] Don’t let her give you a hard time.

  CoraLee: Hello? EJ?

  EJ: Hey, CoraLee. I’m babysitting for the first time tonight and long story short: Do you know how to get gum out of a baby’s hair?

  CoraLee: Maybe. Why should I help you?

  EJ: Please, CoraLee. You’ve been babysitting for a long time now, and I’d really like to be as good as you, except I’ll never get good unless I ke
ep babysitting, and when Mom and Dad come home and see what a colossal mess I’ve made and the gum in Faith’s hair, well, I just know that they’ll never let me babysit again and actually right now I’m not sure I’m responsible enough to actually be a babysitter yet, but I don’t want this one time to keep me from ever doing it again! And I … I could really use your help right now.

  Katy: [on the other line] CoraLee, stop being such a meanie-face and go over there and help poor EJ!

  CoraLee: Katy, I—

  Katy: EJ, she knows exactly how to get gum out of hair because she let me chew some gum when she was babysitting and then it fell out of my mouth and got stuck in my hair while we were watching a DVD and she had to get it out before Mom came home. So, CoraLee, just for once in your life be a friend and help someone out! [Katy slams the phone down in a huff.]

  EJ: Um.

  CoraLee: Get some mayonnaise out of the refrigerator. I’ll ride my bike and cut through a couple of backyards. I can be there in six minutes.

  The line went dead.

  EJ looked up from the phone and smiled. “Faith, I think CoraLee is about to save my babysitting behind.”

  Six minutes later, CoraLee swooped into the Payne house and with the expertise of a seasoned babysitter, showed EJ how to massage a glob of mayo into Faith’s hair. And in just a few minutes, EJ was able to remove the matted gum with the help of the creamy, white sandwich spread—it was kind of like magic, really.

  Faith splashed and squealed in the bath as she played with a family of multicolored rubber ducks while EJ and CoraLee sat on the edge of the tub. Two doors down, Isaac was in the nursery, on animal cracker and baby powder vacuuming duty. (EJ had to promise him his own pack of Double Stuf Oreos after this night was over.)