Diary of a Real Payne Book 3

by Annie Tipton

  So the next time I write in you, I will be more holy. Okay, okay—that’s a corny preacher’s kid joke. Maybe that should be spelled “hole-y.” Time to fulfill a lifelong dream!

  EJ

  EJ tried to imagine a much younger Mom and Dad standing at the display case in the small jewelry shop, pointing and wishing and dreaming of the rings they were choosing for each other for their wedding. It was strange to think of them before they were married. They weren’t Mom and Dad (yet)—they were just David and Tabitha, brand-new adults and recent college graduates. EJ couldn’t wait until she was twenty-three and all the cool things she’d be able to do then.

  But first things first. Time to get her ears pierced.

  “What about these sparkly ones?” Mom tapped the glass case, pointing to a pair of imitation diamond stud earrings.

  “Maybe.” EJ’s eyes scanned the row of options until her eyes landed on the perfect pair—tiny silver stars. “Stars! Winner winner, chicken dinner.”

  “Good choice.” Mom grinned. “On the earrings and giving me a suggestion for what we should get for supper tonight. We haven’t had fried chicken in a long time.”

  “Are vee all set?” Mrs. Golden appeared on the other side of the display. EJ nodded and pointed at her selection. “Oh, zees are lovely. You haf excellent taste, EJ. Come, I vill set up a piercing station in zee back.”

  “Do you need me to come, EJ?” Mom asked EJ quietly as Mrs. Golden made her way to the back of the shop. “I will come back if you want me to.”

  “No, Mom, it’s fine. I can do it by myself.” EJ believed the words, even though her stomach did a little flip as she said them. She rounded the display case and followed Mrs. Golden through a doorway, turning back to flash Mom a thumbs-up before ducking inside.

  “Haf a seat.” Mrs. Golden motioned to a molded plastic chair and turned toward a cabinet from which she produced a silver tool that looked like a cross between a paper hole puncher and a plastic gun. Was that what she would use to pierce EJ’s ears? EJ started breathing a little faster.

  “So, EJ, vat grade are you in now?” Mrs. Golden’s small talk was friendly as she set the tool on the table.

  “Fifth.” EJ could only squeak out a one-word answer in between her rapid breathing.

  “And how is zee baby?” Mrs. Golden opened another drawer, looking for something. “Vat is her name again? Joy? Hope?”

  EJ had to swallow the lump in her throat just to get the single word out this time. “F–Faith.” What was wrong with her? EJ rarely had a problem talking to … anyone. Mom always said she had the gift of gab. EJ felt silly that she was so nervous. As if on cue, her hands started shaking.

  “Yes, Faith. Zat’s right. Such a beautiful name.” Mrs. Golden turned toward EJ, looked over the top of her reading glasses, and smiled. “I just need to sanitize zee studs and zen vee vill be ready to go. Be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.”

  EJ’s breathing slowed a bit as she watched Mrs. Golden leave the room until her eyes fell back on the gun-like object left on the table. EJ tucked her hands under her legs to get them to stop shaking and tried to think of anything else.

  CIA Operative EJ Payne is in a pickle. Not that she hasn’t been in pickles before, but this was a pickle of international importance.

  After years of working undercover under assumed identities, the underground criminal network known simply as the Baddies have finally caught up with her. And now they’ve tied her up and locked her in a room and are letting her sweat a little. But she isn’t worried. She won’t talk. No matter what they do to her, she won’t betray her country.

  “Vell now, here vee are.” An older woman enters the room. EJ scoffs as she realizes the mastermind Baddies in charge won’t be giving her the pleasure of defeating them face-to-face.

  “So they send a grandma to do the dirty work?” EJ asks.

  “Oh yes, I do love my grandchildren,” she says. “But zis is not dirty work. Everyzing is very clean.”

  EJ furrows her brow, trying to figure out what the woman’s code words could mean as the Baddie picks up the gun to load it. Nervous sweat drips down EJ’s back as she watches the woman put on a pair of plastic gloves and then cracks her knuckles menacingly.

  “What do you want?” EJ asks between clenched teeth.

  “Vee’ll need payment, of course,” the woman says. “But vee vill vork somezing out.”

  EJ strains against the rope that’s holding her to the chair. A wave of hope rushes over her as she feels the knots loosen a bit.

  “You vill need to sit still, Miss Payne.” The woman shines a light directly into EJ’s eyes, and she squints. The woman grips the gun in her right hand and leans over EJ. EJ holds her breath and her mind whirs, trying to plan her next move as she sees the sharp end of the weapon move closer and closer to her skin. “Zis is going to hurt.”

  “AHHHH!” EJ’s reflexes overtook her self-control, and her hands flew from under her legs to cover her ears and she shut her eyes tight. “No! I won’t reveal my secrets, Baddie! But please don’t hurt me!”

  Shocked, Mrs. Golden stepped back and set the piercing gun on the worktable behind her, out of EJ’s sight. “Dear child, I’m not going to hurt you!” Mrs. Golden kneeled on the floor and put a comforting hand on EJ’s shoulder. “EJ, are you all right?”

  EJ opened her eyes and met Mrs. Golden’s kind gaze and smiled weakly.

  “Everything okay in there?” Mom’s voice floated through the door. “I thought I heard yelling.”

  EJ felt a blush creep into her cheeks. What a baby she was.

  “Don’t vorry,” Mrs. Golden called. “EJ was just acting out a scene from a movie for me. Vee are almost done here. Be out in a minute.”

  The sound of Mom’s footsteps faded as she walked away from the door.

  Mrs. Golden rose from the floor, opened a cabinet door, and started pulling things out.

  “You know, EJ, it’s okay to admit ven you’re scared,” Mrs. Golden said. “You might just find zat someone can help you. Do you still vant to get your ears pierced?”

  “Yes, I do, Mrs. Golden.” EJ had finally found her voice. “I’ll try not to freak out this time.”

  “I haf a friend who vill help you. He’s helped dozens of girls get their ears pierced,” she said, reaching to the very back of the cabinet. “And not just kids, either—grown ladies. A few months ago, he helped a voman who got her ears pierced for her fiftieth birthday! Ah, zere you are, Mr. Snuggles!”

  Mrs. Golden pulled a giant teddy bear—twice the size of Faith—out of the cabinet and waved him at EJ. “Just close your eyes, squeeze zis guy tight, and it’ll be over before you know it.”

  EJ took Mr. Snuggles from Mrs. Golden and immediately felt better with his soft fur against her arms and face. She could do it.

  “Okay, I’m ready. Except—” EJ hesitated for a moment. “Could we just keep the Mr. Snuggles part of the ear piercing a secret? I have a certain reputation to uphold.”

  “Your secret is safe vith me, EJ.” Mrs. Golden smiled.

  Chapter 13

  THE CLOSET MONSTER

  May 8

  Dear Diary,

  My homework is done, pajamas are on, teeth are brushed, good-nights are hugged, prayers are said, and I’m in my bed at 8:07 p.m.—a full fifty-three minutes before my actual bedtime.

  Why am I going to bed so early? Because tomorrow is Mrs. Winkle’s wedding! I can’t wait to do my part as her junior bridesmaid, and I’m dying to see what amazingly creative things she has planned for the wedding. So I want it to be tomorrow already—as in, right now. And the fastest way to bring tomorrow is to go to sleep!

  On a normal night, I try to work the system to stay up as late as possible. I mean, honestly, Diary, I think every kid does this. When I was in kindergarten, I was convinced that Mom and Dad were having crazy fun parties without me after I went to bed. And when I whined about it enough, Mom finally gave in and let me stay up one night. Let me tell you, Diary…. I
t was hands-down the most boringest “party” ever: Dad worked on an adult Sunday school lesson in his home office, and Mom clipped coupons at the kitchen table. I gave up after twenty minutes and put myself to bed.

  But even though Mom and Dad are a big yawn-fest after lights-out, I still usually want to stay up—hey, all I need is a good book to have an EJ party! And after years of practice I know all the tricks:

  I need a drink of water or I will die of dehydration.

  Whoops! I forgot to brush my teeth …

  …(followed immediately by) I still need to floss. Dentist’s orders.

  Please may I read one more chapter? I have to know what happens!

  Bert needs to go outside one more time or else I’ll have a mess to clean up.

  I’m five years older than Isaac. I should be allowed at least twenty more minutes of TV! (That one never works.)

  So the fact that I’ve gone to bed tonight without putting up any fight must’ve been a welcome change of pace for Mom and Dad. When I gave Mom a good-night kiss at 7:54 p.m., she asked me if I was feeling all right and laid her hand on my forehead to check for a fever. I told her yes, I’m fine. Just excited. And when I hugged Dad good-night, he actually asked me to pinch him because he said he thought for sure he must be dreaming. I laughed and pinched his arm (but not too hard) and confirmed that he was awake.

  EJ

  EJ punched her pillow, which was feeling lumpier than normal, and flopped her head back down. Her eyes, no matter how hard she tried, simply would not stay shut. And the big, red 8:35 p.m. on the alarm clock sitting atop her bedside table seemed strangely brighter than usual.

  Lying near her feet, Bert let out a sigh to let EJ know he was still awake, too … and apparently bored.

  “It feels like going to bed early is actually making tomorrow come slower.” EJ turned on a small reading lamp clipped to the headboard of her bed. “What should we do?”

  Bert’s head popped up and eagerly looked around the room for something fun. He jumped off the bed and picked up EJ’s ukulele case by the strap and brought it back, looking up at her.

  “You want me to play, Bert?” EJ took the instrument from him and the dog joined her on the bed, snuggling in next to her. “I suppose I could use some more practice before my big performance in the wedding tomorrow.”

  EJ began strumming the opening chords to “You Are My Sunshine” and Bert happily laid his chin on her knee, enjoying the serenade. EJ sang to him, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.”

  EJ was glad that this was the song that Mrs. Winkle wanted her to play as she walked down the aisle. It wasn’t mushy and love-y and gross. It was simple and nice—the kind of song she could sing to her dog or to a friend. And that’s what Mrs. Winkle and Mr. Johnson had become—friends. It seemed like such a long time ago that Mr. Johnson had been nothing but the neighborhood grump, shouting at EJ and sending his attack cat, Gruff, after her when she would try to cut through his yard as a shortcut to the park.

  But Mrs. Winkle had seen past Mr. Johnson’s mean outside and found a person who was really rather splendid on the inside. Kind of like how EJ had seen glimpses of a nice person inside CoraLee (when she chose to let the nice person out). And even Isaac wasn’t so bad when he was drugged up and telling EJ how much he really liked her and the only reason he spent so much time annoying her was to get her attention.

  EJ strummed her uke absentmindedly and hummed as Bert dozed beside her, jealous that he was already asleep and wondering if she was tired enough to drift off yet. She leaned back against her pillow and gazed at her junior bridesmaid dress, hanging on a hook on the back of her closet door. Dresses weren’t EJ’s favorite thing to wear—she’d much rather have on a comfy pair of old jeans, a T-shirt, and her All-Star Converse sneakers—but she had to admit that she looked nice in the pale yellow knee-length dress and ballet flats.

  EJ looked at her alarm clock—8:55 p.m. She decided to read a couple chapters from The Horse and His Boy by C. S. Lewis by flashlight under the covers before calling it a night.

  As often happened when EJ read a great book, she got completely sucked into the story of the adventures in Narnia and was surprised to realize that she had read six whole chapters. She peeked her head out of the covers to see that her alarm clock read 2:26 a.m. Bert was well into his trip to Dreamsville and was currently licking his paw like it was the most delicious dog bone he’d ever tasted. EJ sincerely hoped he wouldn’t start gnawing on his own leg.

  Just as EJ was about to turn off her flashlight and try to join Bert in Dreamsville, she heard a shuffling sound on the other side of the small door that joined her room to Isaac’s room. She got up quietly to investigate.

  When EJ and Isaac were little, the door was a “secret passage” that they would use to crawl through the door between their rooms while they played. It was fun until the day Isaac sneaked through to scare EJ and her friends during a slumber party. Since then, EJ had kept the door locked on her side.

  EJ pressed her ear to the door and the muffled sound of Isaac’s voice floated through. She could still hear the fear in her brother’s whispery voice.

  “It’s not real. Just go to sleep. It’s not real.”

  She normally couldn’t hear her brother in his room unless he was jumping on the bed or being extra loud and crazy. She assumed he must be near the door for her to hear him so clearly.

  “You’re a big, tough guy, Isaac, so don’t be scared,” he said in a deep voice that EJ recognized as the one Isaac used when he played with his favorite T-Rex figurine.

  “But what if that thing comes out and gets me while I’m sleeping?” Isaac responded in his own voice, sniffling. “I need some help … but who will help me?”

  EJ thought that Isaac talking to himself probably wasn’t a good sign. And was he crying? The kid had a lot of faults, but he generally didn’t cry much or get scared of silly things. She glanced back at her bed, wondering if she should let this play out by itself or try to help her brother. It seemed like it might have the potential to be an adventure like Isaac loved to have with his sister….

  EJ quietly turned the doorknob, unlocking it, and pulled it open. Isaac, along with a blanket and pillow, tumbled backward into EJ’s room with a surprised yelp.

  “Shh! Isaac, what are you doing?” EJ whispered, hoping Mom and Dad didn’t hear the commotion. She shined the beam of her flashlight on her brother’s face. “Why are you sleeping on the floor against the door?”

  “I’m trying to get away from him.” Isaac’s eyes were wide with fear, and he definitely looked like he’d been crying.

  “Him? Him who?” EJ’s heart lurched. “Is there someone in your room?”

  Isaac pointed toward his open closet door. “There’s someone in there, and he’s talking to me.”

  EJ shined her flashlight toward the dark closet and took two steps into Isaac’s room. Isaac stood beside her and peered toward the closet, but all the small beam showed was a space that was very full of toys and clothes—desperately needing to be cleaned out. Isaac had a bad habit of “cleaning” his room by shoving everything into the closet and simply shutting the door. The last time he’d done that, he couldn’t get the closet door to shut completely, and it now stood partially open.

  “Isaac, I don’t think anyone could even fit in that closet,” EJ whispered. “Are you sure it’s not just your imagination? Trust me, I know a thing or two about imaginations running away with themselves.”

  As if on cue, an eerie crackle of static came from deep inside Isaac’s closet followed by a deep, distorted voice: “No escape…. Destroy you.”

  Isaac scrambled behind EJ, tripping the door between their rooms so it snapped shut with a click. EJ grabbed the doorknob a second too late. Locked. EJ knocked on the door as loudly as she dared and called for Bert, but she could hear his soft snores on her bed from the other side of the
door. The dog could sleep through a marching band coming through the room, EJ was convinced. The only way out was to walk past the closet and whoever—whatever—was inside.

  “De … stroy. De … stroy.”

  “It’s going to destroy me!” Isaac squeaked, burying his face in EJ’s back. “W–what do we do, EJ?”

  EJ hesitated. Logically, she knew that whatever scary sounds were coming out of the closet, it wasn’t actually a monster—but that didn’t do much to make the situation less frightening. If they could get past the closet, they could at least turn on the lights and see what was really going on….

  “What I like the most is when we imagine together, EJ.” Isaac’s voice from his laughing gas-induced state at the dentist office popped in her head. This was a prime imagination opportunity that Isaac might talk about during his next cavity filling.

  “Isaac, this is what you’ve been training for.” EJ turns and grips the young cadet by the shoulders. “You can’t let this opportunity pass you by, or you’ll never graduate from the Monster Exterminator Academy. And you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

  EJ has been Isaac’s mentor during his time at MEA, and Isaac has always shown such promise in his practice drills. Big-eyed aliens, slimy, snakelike ghouls, giant, hairy beasts with razor-sharp fangs—Isaac had aced every scenario EJ threw at him. But that was in the simulator. This is real life.

  “You’re better at this stuff than I am, EJ,” Isaac says. “I’ll just follow you like I usually do, okay?”

  “Come on, I believe you can do it, Isaac,” EJ says. “And you won’t be alone. I’ll be right here with you.”

  “You will?” Isaac’s eyes are unsure. “I thought I would have to do it myself to graduate the academy.”

  “This is what being on a team is all about.” EJ thrusts the laser destroyer toward the cadet. “We’re here for each other. I’ve got your back, cadet.”