Diary of a Real Payne Book 3

by Annie Tipton

  “Okay, I can do it.” Isaac accepts the laser destroyer from EJ and gives a sharp salute before taking a confident step forward—EJ right behind him.

  Isaac gives the hand signal to EJ to move forward. Perfectly in sync, they walk ahead on silent feet. Two menacing, red eyes peer out of the monster’s lair, sensing the threat of the exterminators coming to end him.

  Sssspptt-pop. “Join us, or die.” Crack-crack-crack. “You are beaten. It is useless to resist.”

  “I won’t join you.” Isaac’s voice sounds confident. “I am not afraid, and I will destroy you.”

  “Good!” EJ whispers to Isaac, urging him on. “Now find his weakness and attack it.”

  Crackity-snap. “Only … hatred will destroy me.” Pop-pop.

  Suddenly Isaac spins toward EJ, the light of an idea on his face.

  “EJ, we have to show the monster that we like it! We have to do the opposite of what he says!” Isaac’s eyes are bright. “Sing him the song.”

  “Are you sure, cadet?” Isaac isn’t following normal exterminator procedure, and it’s making EJ nervous.

  “I’m sure. Sing!”

  EJ begins to softly sing “You Are My Sunshine,” and the monster goes silent. As the evil creature is distracted by the song, Isaac takes a flying leap into the cave and aims his laser destroyer at the red eyes. Isaac yelps as a booby trap the monster set lets loose with an avalanche of rocks. He jumps out of the way and snatches the monster by the head, unleashing the laser destroyer into the right eye of the creature as he tucks and rolls out of the cave.

  “The force is strong with this one.” Sssspptt-pop. “You have … controlled your … feeeear.”

  Finally on the far side of Isaac’s room, EJ snapped on the light switch to find Isaac on the floor, shining the flashlight directly into the eye of his Darth Vader voice simulator helmet—the very same one that he’d used to scare EJ’s friends at her ninth birthday slumber party—and looking entirely pleased with himself. The batteries were apparently dying in it, and it gave a pathetic little “Luke, I am your fatherrrrrrrr” before sputtering static to silence.

  “How was that thing talking without someone wearing it?” EJ never did like that mask much, so she was happy to hear it take its last breath.

  “The switch was flipped to store display mode.” Isaac looked up from the now-lifeless mask. “And look—it was sitting on top of one of my light-up sneakers. That’s what made the eyes glow red.”

  EJ looked at the hunk of black plastic in Isaac’s hands. They both felt a little silly for being so scared of a toy.

  “That was pretty great, Isaac. I’m proud of you,” EJ said, taking the mask, popping the batteries out (just to be safe), and tossing it into Isaac’s closet before shoving the door closed with her hip. “How did that dream rate for you?”

  “Maybe the best one ever,” Isaac said as he hopped into bed, tucking his T-Rex in beside him. “I like it when we’re on the same team instead of against each other, EJ.”

  “Yeah, we do make a pretty good team, kid.” EJ cracked open Isaac’s bedroom door and looked over her shoulder at him. “Good night.”

  Chapter 14

  THE BIG DAY

  May 9

  Dear Diary,

  Today’s the day I’ve been waiting for since two Thanksgivings ago when Mr. Johnson and Mrs. Winkle started flirting with each other! (P.S. gross) Being in a wedding is one of those things that I’ve been dying to do ever since I first saw The Sound of Music wedding scene where Liesl, Louisa, Brigitta, Marta, and Gretl marched down the aisle in front of the beautiful bride, Maria. It is, in two words, simply lovely.

  We Paynes all have pretty important roles to play in the wedding today. Me as the junior bridesmaid and “bridal procession musician” (I gave myself that second title), Dad as the pastor (a role he’s used to playing), Faith and Bert will tag-team as the most adorable flower girl-slash-dog team in the world (if everything goes as planned with those two, it will be magical—if not, it could be a disaster), Isaac as the ring bearer and reception comedian (yes, it’s still a thing), and Mom as the “kid wrangler.” (“Somebody’s got to keep everyone in line!” she said.)

  Right now, though, my main problem is that I’m not sure I’m going to be able to keep my eyes open for the whole wedding, Diary. Why am I so tired? I didn’t sleep much last night because I stayed up too late reading and then Isaac and I had to defeat Darth Vader in an epic battle of good versus evil. By the time I sneaked back to my room, got into bed, and finally settled down after the excitement, my clock said 2:48 a.m.

  The last time I looked at the clock, it was 3:36 a.m., Diary. And I guess I must’ve fallen asleep after that, because the next thing I knew my alarm clock was squawking its terrible wake-up noise at 7:30 a.m.

  I’m not allowed to drink coffee, and the one time Dad let me try a sip of his, I thought it was probably the most disgusting thing I’d ever tasted in my life. But today is one of those days that I think I could use some to help me stay awake.

  My role in the wedding is so terribly important, Diary, and I want to do my very best for Mrs. Winkle. So I have to get it done. I was born for this, and I can do it. There’s no way I am going to let her down.

  It’s almost time to go to the church. Here goes nothing.

  EJ

  EJ slouched in a rocking chair as Faith toddled around the Vine Street Community Church nursery in her pale pink flower girl dress, her hair in two tiny pigtails made with daisy hair ties. Even though Faith spent every Sunday in the church’s nursery, the way she was squealing with excitement at each toy she laid eyes on made it seem like it was all new to her. Maybe the nursery was extra fun for her sister since there were no other little babies slobbering all over the toys, EJ thought. Any slobber that was on the toys today was all Faith.

  EJ stifled a yawn, laid her head on the back of the chair, and soaked in the bright spring sunshine streaming through the nursery window. It really was a perfect day for a wedding. An especially ear-piercing squeal from the flower girl brought EJ’s attention back to the tiny person in front of her, and she realized she was a little jealous of the toddler’s energy from the full night of sleep she’d had. EJ honestly didn’t know how she was going to stay awake today. Maybe she could slip away during the reception to get a little catnap under the back row of pews in the church’s auditorium—her favorite hiding place in the building. Or maybe she could just close her eyes right now for a few minutes before….

  “Do you want to see Mrs. Winkle before the ceremony starts, EJ?” EJ’s head snapped up, and she wiped a bead of drool that had formed in the corner of her mouth. She looked up to see Mom’s eyes bright with excitement as she walked into the nursery, leading Bert on a leash.

  EJ felt a surge of energy at the thought of seeing Mrs. Winkle. “Yes, please!” Mom took EJ’s spot in the rocking chair to stay with Faith and Bert. EJ felt a few butterflies flit in her belly as she walked to the women’s restroom just down the hall. If EJ’s feather monstrosity from the spinster party was actually Mrs. Winkle’s inspiration for her dress, EJ was afraid the bride was going to look completely ridiculous—and it would be all EJ’s fault.

  “Yes, I think one more pin should do the trick. Thank you, Adele.” EJ followed Mrs. Winkle’s voice past the row of sinks and found her standing in front of the bathroom’s full-length mirror as Miss Adele attached a final bobby pin to secure the bride’s veil. Mrs. Winkle saw EJ in the mirror and turned around with the biggest smile EJ had ever seen on her neighbor’s face—so big that she didn’t really even notice what her dress looked like at first. EJ hugged Mrs. Winkle tight.

  “You look lovely, dear!” Mrs. Winkle kissed EJ on the forehead. “Just as I imagined you’d look—like the morning sunrise or a lovely little buttercup.”

  EJ grinned and stepped back to get a good look at Mrs. Winkle’s dress. What she found made her extremely happy: Mrs. Winkle wore a simple knee-length dress made from a beautiful blue fabric—the same col
or as the bluebirds that roosted in the boxes in Mr. Johnson’s backyard every spring. Just below the waist, the blue faded to a crisp white, and sewed along the hemline were tiny white feathers that swayed a bit when Mrs. Winkle moved. Pinned in her hair was a small white veil that covered just part of her face. But the best part of Mrs. Winkle’s outfit was the short caplet made of soft blue feathers that she wore draped over her shoulders and tied around her neck with a white satin ribbon.

  “Do you see how your dress from the spinster party inspired my look, EJ?” Mrs. Winkle smoothed a stray feather. “Until the party, I hadn’t decided exactly how to decorate for the wedding, but your feather dress gave me the idea to pull everything together—in my wedding garden!”

  “Your dress is perfect, Mrs. Winkle.” EJ meant what she said, relieved her crazy creativity hadn’t ruined the day. “But what do you mean your ‘wedding garden’?”

  Before Mrs. Winkle could explain, a loud knock sounded on the women’s restroom door.

  “Wilma?” Mr. Johnson called through the door. “Are you sure this is what I’m supposed to wear? It seems—I dunno—sacrilegious or something.”

  “Lester Johnson, don’t you dare come in here!” Miss Adele leaned against the door in case he was going to try to come in. “You will not see the bride before the ceremony—it’s bad luck!”

  “Yeah, and this is the girls’ bathroom, Mr. Johnson!” EJ added, giggling.

  “EJ, please go out there and assure Lester that the outfit is the one I picked especially for him,” Mrs. Winkle said. “And when you see what he’s wearing, it might help you understand what I mean about my wedding garden.”

  EJ stepped into the hallway, expecting to see Mr. Johnson in a suit with multicolored flowers painted on it, or maybe a tux with a flowered shirt instead of the traditional white shirt, but what she saw instead was Mr. Johnson wearing a starched red-and-white checkered shirt under a pair of dark-blue denim bib overalls, a pair of red rubber boots on his feet. Instead of his cane, he gripped the handle of a brand-new shovel, the tip resting against the floor. A single white rose was pinned to one of the straps of his overalls.

  “You’re the gardener!” EJ immediately understood Mrs. Winkle’s vision for the wedding. “Mrs. Winkle knew you didn’t want to get dressed up in a tux, so she themed the wedding with things you love—gardening, flowers, and bluebirds!”

  EJ covered her mouth with her hand, afraid she’d given away too much.

  “You got it, EJ-girl!” Mrs. Winkle’s voice came through the closed door. “Just wait till you see the auditorium!”

  “What in all of creation do you have up your sleeve, Wilma?” Mr. Johnson nervously smoothed his parted and slicked hair with the palm of his hand.

  “You’ll see, sweetheart.” EJ could tell that Mrs. Winkle loved having a secret surprise in store for the groom. “Just relax and enjoy the fact that you aren’t wearing dress clothes.”

  “Mr. Johnson, Dad says it’s time to start!” Isaac bounded down the hallway, dressed just like a mini version of Mr. Johnson except carrying a small silver bucket filled with potting soil, two ring boxes sitting on top.

  “See you at the front of the church, Wilma,” Mr. Johnson called. “I’ll be the one with dirt under my fingernails.”

  EJ gave Mr. Johnson a thumbs-up before he walked toward the backstage door to meet Dad.

  The excitement of the dress unveiling had boosted EJ’s alertness for a few minutes, but as she walked with Mom, Faith, Isaac, and Bert to the doors of the auditorium, she felt her eyelids begin to droop again. She took a deep inhale of the fragrance coming off her flower bouquet of buttercups and white carnations and glanced down at Bert, who she held on a leash. He didn’t seem thrilled with the ring of flowers around his neck, but at least he wasn’t scratching at them anymore.

  “You’re gonna do great, Bertie,” EJ said. “Everybody will be talking about how my dog is almost as smart and as talented as I am.” Bert gave a little sniff, indicating that he wasn’t impressed with compliments like that. EJ smiled and patted his head.

  EJ peeked into the auditorium to see that it had been transformed into something that looked like it came straight from the pages of the book The Secret Garden. The middle aisle was a lovely stone pathway with a rainbow of flowers lining the sides of the pews. The aisle led to a white picket fence on the stage, where even more flowers decorated the top of the fence. A white birdhouse stood on a pole on one side of the stage with two holes marked “His” and “Hers,” and a small fountain stood on the other side of the stage—real water tumbling over smooth rocks and into a pool.

  The small crowd of wedding guests was all seated, and most seemed mesmerized by the beauty around them. EJ recognized almost everyone sitting in the pews—mostly people from church along with Mrs. Winkle’s bowling league and a few of Mr. Johnson’s relatives—and she was glad to see Dane sitting in the front row, keeping her ukulele safe until she needed it to play and sing Mrs. Winkle down the aisle.

  EJ watched as Dad, dressed in a dark brown suit, led the gardener-groom to their spot in front of the picket fence. She heard soft nature sounds come on over the speakers—birds singing, bees buzzing, and a soft breeze through the unseen trees—completing the wedding garden feeling.

  “That’s your cue, buddy,” Mom said to Isaac. “Don’t forget to lay the trail for Bert.”

  “On it.” Isaac stuck his free hand in his pocket and confidently walked down the aisle. Every two steps, he dropped a dog treat from his pocket on the pathway. Bert strained against the leash, and EJ tightened her grip. “Not yet, Bert. Just one more minute.”

  When Isaac reached the front row of pews, he turned around and saluted at EJ, the secret sign he said he’d give when it was Bert’s turn. “Okay, here we go.” EJ nodded at Mom and unclipped the leash from Bert’s collar. Bert bolted for the nearest treat and gobbled it up.

  “Squeeeee!” Faith made a dash toward Bert, and Bert turned back with a twinkle in his eye. Tag had become one of his and Faith’s favorite games since the first time she’d run after him and trapped him in the dryer. Once he knew she didn’t actually want to hurt him, he was up for the fun. Bert and Faith made their way down the aisle, Bert from treat to treat, and Faith throwing handfuls of pink flower petals at the dog when she could get close enough to him, giggling and shrieking all the way down the aisle. Everyone in the auditorium laughed, and there were lots of flashes from cameras.

  Mom was waiting with a bone for Bert and a bag of yogurt puffs for Faith at the front of the aisle when they got there, and she ushered them to a spot on the front pew. Once they were settled, eyes swiveled to the aisle, where EJ stood in the doorway.

  “Love you, EJ-girl,” Mrs. Winkle said behind her. “You’ll do great.”

  EJ smiled at the beautiful bride. “I love you, too, Mrs. Winkle.” She walked down the aisle, concentrating on smiling and not tripping over her own feet. She saw Mom turn around, point, and whisper to Faith, “There’s your sister!” Faith’s and Bert’s little faces peeked over the back of the pew to watch her. EJ turned her head straight and saw Dad’s smile and the giant grin that seemed to light up Mr. Johnson’s whole face. Even Isaac was beaming at her. These were some of the people that she loved most in the world—people that she would do anything for, and she knew they would do anything for her. Suddenly she felt an overwhelming feeling of gratefulness.

  As she arrived at the front pew, Dane handed her ukulele to her, took her flowers, and winked at her. “All tuned and ready to go, EJ.”

  “Thanks,” she whispered and stepped up onto the stage. She paused for a moment to get the right finger placement on the instrument’s frets and then began to strum the chord for the song’s intro….

  And at that precise moment, her mind went blank.

  Not just “give me the first word and I’ll be able to go from there” blank but “what even is the name of the song I am supposed to play? And what is my name, for that matter?” blank. Sweat poured out of EJ
’s hands and forehead as she continued to strum the first chord over and over again. She felt her eyes unfocus as a wave of nerves overtook her, but she forced herself to look up and send a panicked look Dane’s way, hoping her eyes said, “Please, help me!”

  Dane calmly mouthed the next two chord names to EJ, and somehow her brain understood what he was saying. Her fingers knew what to do—thanks to the hours of practice she had put in on the song—and she continued strumming the introduction. She got to the end of the introduction and realized she still didn’t remember any of the words to the song. Sunbeam? Sunlight? Something with the sun? All those eyes were staring at her—she had to do this! Come on, EJ!

  The nature soundtrack playing over the sound system seemed much louder as the final chord of the intro faded into silence. EJ stood frozen on the spot as someone in the pews cleared a throat nervously. EJ was ruining Mrs. Winkle’s wedding. Her big moment—and she was blowing it!

  “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine….” Isaac’s clear singing voice rang out, and EJ’s fingers remembered the chords to the song that she had rehearsed countless times.

  “You make me happy, when skies are gray,” EJ started singing with Isaac, hoping that he’d keep singing, because she still didn’t trust her exhausted brain to remember the words.

  “You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you.” Mr. Johnson’s deep voice joined in. EJ had never heard him sing before, so his fantastic voice caught her a little off guard.

  “Please don’t take my sunshine away.” Mrs. Winkle’s beautiful alto voice added to the voices as she walked toward the front of the auditorium. The next time through the simple chorus all of the wedding guests joined in, and EJ focused on playing the chords and enjoyed listening to the harmonies that some of the voices added. Mrs. Winkle took her spot next to Mr. Johnson at the end of the verse.