by Nashoda Rose
“Pilot called. Ready when you are,” Josh said then followed Tyler out the door.
I turned to Vic who was leaning against the sliding glass door out to the terrace, his arms crossed. Yeah, he was pissed he was on babysitting duty instead of coming with us. But Vic was the only guy I trusted not to fall for any of Georgie’s bullshit.
“Keep her contained. I don’t want her disappearing. She’s been drinking far more than usual and …” I stopped. I couldn’t put my finger on what was happening with her. She drank, partied hard, stayed out late and yet—something didn’t sit right. Hadn’t in a really long time. I felt like the real Georgie was hidden behind all the bullshit with her drinking. I wanted the fuckin’ Georgie I knew who was smart as hell, determined, strong and even vulnerable and soft.
Vic shook his head and huffed. “Told you what should happen here.”
Yeah, Vic thought I should lock her up. “Can’t do it. Not going to.”
“So, you’d rather see her kill herself slowly? Or better yet, get killed or raped or found in the street dead because she tripped and fell, so drunk she couldn’t even pull her head out of a puddle of water?”
“Fuck you, Vic.” This was a sore spot between us. Vic thought I should have Georgie forced into rehab. Of course, it wouldn’t be legal because she was over eighteen, but that wasn’t the issue. The issue was I wasn’t going to do it. Flat out. Not a chance. I’d protect her, help her any way I could, but I wasn’t locking her away with people I didn’t know while I was across the ocean, not knowing if I was coming back.
Georgie came out of the room wearing the tight black skirt she had on last night and my shirt—no fuckin’ bra. I could see her erect nipples through the material, and I silently cursed. “Going to borrow the shirt,” she said. She pulled it up to her nose and breathed in. Jesus, if that didn’t turn me on and make my cock hard. “Might even get myself off while wearing it.”
I took a deep breath and controlled the grin threatening to emerge. The girl lived on turning me on. All I could think about was how she would look naked laying over my lap while I spanked her until she begged me to stop.
I had to get the fuck out of here. “Be good, Georgie.” I started for the door.
“Definition of good: to be desired,” she called out.
My hand stiffened around the doorknob. “It also means to be approved of. Don’t disappoint me.”
I heard her sharp intake of breath and knew I reached her, somewhere in that numb oasis she was drowning in. Could I save her? I didn’t know any longer.
VIC WAS A pain in my ass, and I was beginning to think he enjoyed pissing me off. Normally, I could schmooze Deck’s men—actually, any man—but Vic was like a beetle with a hard outer shell that refused to crack under pressure. I realised why Deck had chosen him to stay with me this week.
My parents had called wanting to go to the cemetery together, but really I couldn’t deal with Mom coddling and Dad pitying me. This was one day of the year I let the demons in and became who I hated, who I hid from.
I needed to be on my game because what I had to do was not something Deck could ever find out about, and pit-bull Vic was making that really difficult.
He’d slept on the couch all week which left no option for the front door escape last night. I’d already tried the pathetic excuse ‘going to the store for some milk’ early this morning. Vic actually rolled his eyes, which looked real funny for a six-foot guy built like a friggin’ Mack truck. It even got a smirk out of him. I wasn’t sure if it was because he thought it was funny or because he was getting ready to lock me in the closet.
I poured myself an orange juice, which I deliberately left on the counter, then went to the cupboard and took out the Froot Loops. I stuck my hand in the box, pulled out a handful of colorful rings and shoved them in my mouth. “Want some?” I held out the box.
Vic didn’t look up from his iPad. I approached, peering over his shoulder, seeing emails from— He flipped it over, set it down on the kitchen table then got up and went over to the blender he’d been using every morning to make a shake with God knows what mixed in. All I knew was it was green and looked like vomit.
He poured himself another one then grabbed my orange juice, dumped it in the sink and filled my cup with his concoction.
God, so predictable. “Hey. What the fuck?”
“You want to tell me that orange juice doesn’t have vodka in it?”
It did. I’d made sure of it since the first day he came to stay. “What’s a little pick-me-up in the morning? And they say alcohol’s a downer … I totally disagree.”
He slid the cup of green goop along the marble counter toward me. “Drink it. Then have a shower. We’re meeting your parents at the cemetery in an hour.”
I ignored the green stuff and put my hands on my hips. “How about we skip the vomit? Forget the cemetery and my parents and you take off your clothes and join me in the shower.”
I expected shock. Maybe if I was lucky, a mild smirk. I got neither. Actually, I got scary badass with bodies in his closet. I wasn’t brave enough to laugh it off; instead, I faltered and Vic plowed me right over.
“Deck may put up with your crap, but I sure as hell won’t.” Vic approached until he was right in my face and I was backed into the wall. His palms slapped the wall above my head. “You want to fuck, cupcake?” He was quick, grabbing my throat, his fingers bruising. “A quick fuck in the shower? I won’t tell Deck. Shit, he’s too busy getting his ass shot at anyway.”
I reached up and put my hands on top of his, trying to pry his fingers back. I really didn’t want to have to use the knee in the crotch, but I would if he didn’t get his hands off me in two-point-two seconds. “Vic, hands off.”
It took him a second before he abruptly let me go. “Better learn to bite that tongue before some guy doesn’t take his hands off you when you ask.” He pushed away, turned his back then walked back to the kitchen. “Take a fuckin’ shower then we’re going to the cemetery.”
I didn’t say anything. What was there to say really? Except I knew I wouldn’t be taking a shower and we certainly wouldn’t be going anywhere together.
CLIMBING OUT A second-story window should have been easy except when there’s only a spindly tree branch to grab hold of and it ends up breaking. I’d never had to escape my own house before. I just hoped Vic would hear the shower running and not get suspicious for at least ten minutes. After that … well, no one would find me until I wanted to be found.
Just me and my pain.
I stopped at Perk Avenue and grabbed the bottle of scotch I kept there for this particular day every year, and then had the cabby drop me off a couple miles from where I was going.
I swear Deck’s men had GPS tracking devices in their heads with the way they could locate people. I had no doubt Vic would be calling every taxi service in the city to see if anyone matched my description.
Of course, I paid off the driver, but that would only go so far. Deck had loads of money. Shit, I couldn’t even begin to guess how much he raked in for locating, killing and torturing the scum of the Earth.
“You sure, lady?” the driver said as he pulled onto the shoulder. “There’s nothing around here.”
I leaned over the seat and passed him a wad of cash. “Yeah. Thanks.” I opened the door. “Good luck with the party.” He and his wife were having twenty kids over this afternoon for his daughter’s fifth birthday.
He laughed. “Good luck to you, too, Goldie.”
I waited until he pulled a U-turn and was out of sight before I crossed the road and went into the bush. It took fifteen minutes before the car pulled up on the side road where I waited. The passenger door flung open and I hopped in.
“Have any trouble?
I shrugged, looking over at the young good-looking guy with tatts inked up his left arm and a piercing in his right brow. Sharp, dark features with greyish-green eyes that drooped in the corners, which made him look sad … or seductive. Both worked.
I was fourteen when Tanner and I first met. Connor had given his dirt bike to this lanky kid who couldn’t even afford a new pair of jeans. The joy on his face had me tearing up and Connor laughing at me, especially because I was a prissy girl who wore a dress to the motocross track filled with boys. I’d been so out of my element, but I was with my brother and he loved it, so it kinda became our thing to do when he was around.
Tanner was a couple years younger than me and yet he’d always acted so much older. It was after Connor died and I’d been driven down into a black hole of despair that I found out why Tanner was so mature for his age.
He reached over and ruffled my hair. “Blue? A reason for that?”
There was always a reason for my actions. “Tristan likes blue.”
“Ah, the coffee shop guy. I assume he is one of your … tasks?” I nodded. “You get a date yet? Looked like something was happening … before Deck came in.”
The way he ground out Deck’s name made my back stiffen as my protectiveness over Deck came surging to the surface. I didn’t react, though. Drunk Georgie would’ve, but I wasn’t her right now. I had learned to control my emotions and my tongue when need be. “Got his number. Date pending.”
“Better be careful with that one. Something odd about him, the way he watches you. Don’t think the alcohol thing will work.”
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Tristan had smarts, wealth and when he looked at me, it was like he knew exactly what I did. Of course, he didn’t, but I knew he wasn’t a pussy like Lionel. He radiated prowess and that had me handling him a little differently.
Tanner reached over and took my hand. “I know today is tough for you, but you need to do this, Georgie.”
I slipped my hand from his and looked out the side window, watching as the pine trees zipped by. Yes, I did know. If I didn’t, the emotions would slowly creep back in. “Don’t call me that.”
I was tense and uncertain. I almost didn’t come here last year, but Tanner showed up to bring me and my indecision was quickly expunged. This was the only thing that helped release all the pent-up emotions I kept hidden about my past, about my secrets.
The leather on the steering wheel cracked under his hands. “I fuckin’ hate this. It’s like delivering the lamb to slaughter.”
I huffed. “I’m not a lamb, Tanner. Far from it.”
“Yeah, well, you are today.”
Yes. Vulnerable and alone with my pain. But, it could never end. I needed this reminder of what was done to me. I wanted to feel the pain today so I could walk away and live tomorrow without those emotions. It was dangerous and risky for all of us if I couldn’t keep what I was doing a secret.
“If he ever found out …”
I knew exactly who he was talking about—Deck. “I told you before. I’ll never tell him, and he won’t find out.” Tanner was always worried Deck would find out and then … well, I wasn’t really sure what would happen, but I was warned by him that Deck’s life was ‘fragile’. Kind of contradictory to who Deck was, but I knew that wasn’t an idle threat. That made me really careful as to how I lived each day. The thing was, this year would be a little trickier with Vic on my ass.
“We’ll need a cover.”
Tanner nodded. “Yeah. He has an idea that fits with your … drinking. Shouldn’t be an issue.”
I tapped my fingers on my thighs, not saying anything.
“I don’t like him.”
“I know.” Tanner had issues with Deck and wanted me to break away from him. Considering Deck and I had the same friends, it wasn’t so simple. Besides, letting go of Deck was like chopping off a limb; I could do it, and I sure as hell didn’t want to. Tanner didn’t understand, so I tried to keep Deck-talk to a minimum with him.
Tanner nodded, but I could see the flicker of irritation on his face. He was good at what he did, but I’d known Tanner practically my whole life, and he gave away his emotions with his breathing patterns. If he was pissed off, it slowed. Worried, it became arrhythmic. Calm, it was regular, but deep.
The tires hit gravel and Tanner turned into a long, narrow pathway, which didn’t look like much except a deer trail. My heart pounded and I felt the tremors in my body. It knew what was coming; the thing was I wasn’t sure if it came from fear or relief. I never did.
He stopped the car in front of a barbed-wire gate and jumped out, unlocked it and pushed it open. Tanner got back in and looked over at me then down at my hands that were wrung together.
Fuck. I quickly laid them flat on my thighs, feeling the heat leaking into my skin through my jeans.
Silence.
He reached toward me and tucked my hair behind my ear, his fingers lingering there a few seconds longer than what a friend might do. Then he sighed, threw the car in gear and drove up to the old, metal shack with the leaky roof. When it rained on the day I came here, it sucked because the pain was unbearable with my skin wet and cold.
“Georgie—” He stopped abruptly when I glared at him. He couldn’t call me that … not here. “Chaos, maybe if you let me do it again then—”
“No.” My voice trembled and it pissed me off because Tanner heard it. The first time I came here, Tanner had been the one to do this to me.
He bowed his head. “Shit. If your brother were—”
“Shut up,” I shouted. “He’s not. He’ll never be.”
Every single day, I lived a lie. I pretended to be someone I wasn’t. I broke the bond of trust with the one man who protected me no matter how much bullshit I threw at him. If he knew, he’d never understand why I did it. We were all broken in some way. It was how we lived with our broken pieces, which made us who we were. And I just had more broken pieces than most.
“I’ll be here when you’re done.”
I nodded and walked toward the shack, the squeak of my sneakers on the gravel sounding like walnuts being cracked. I stopped outside the door, looked up at the sky and took a deep breath, closing my eyes. A ritual I did every year before I walked into the darkness of unbearable pain where past met present.
Soon, my haunted dreams would wash away with the blood that trickled down my back. I’d be free. At least until the pain built up and I needed this again. I didn’t know how to stop it, and sometimes I wished I could just stay here. Stop pretending and drown in the darkness that lingered in my mind. I lived with the dirty black rag he used to keep me silent still choking me.
The smell of the nearby creek and the sound of the chirping of birds surrendered me to its hold. The trembles eased and my heart slowed.
Peace.
I opened the door.
“Hello, Chaos.”
I STRAIGHTENED MY shoulders and embraced the cold shiver that ran down my spine as I met his eyes. Direct and without mercy, no pity or sympathy as to what was going to happen. And this was why he was the one who did it to me. Ironic that he saved me from the very thing he did to me every year.
He wore a black suit, perfectly cut to his sculpted body. He was the same height as Deck and dark like him, but that was where it ended. When he smiled, it was charming with a cocky twitch, but there was a touch of sinister which could make a girl think twice before approaching him.
I’d stepped into his domain at sixteen and he gave me back what I’d lost. There was no coddling, no sympathy for what had happened to me. Deck was always an issue between us as he told me Deck was my biggest weakness, but he was also the part of me, which kept me from breaking completely. My solid.
He leaned against the rusted metal wall, ankles crossed, arms matching, oblivious to the smothering heat in what felt like a sardine can. It was where this had to happen, mimicking before.
It was months after Connor’s funeral when he picked me up walking home from Robbie’s house. That was the day the abuse stopped but for me it never really ended. The pain … I needed the reminder. Pain set me free from the memory.
There was no need for idle conversation and I walked to the center of the shack, the wood floor cr
eaking with each step. It hadn’t rained in a while and the place had a film of dust everywhere.
This would put me out of commission for a few days. Deck was observant, but fortunately, every year at this time, he made certain he was on a job. It made it easier to keep my pain hidden. I knew Deck felt responsible for Connor; he’d been his team leader, and Deck felt accountable for everyone.
I knelt on the ground and lowered my head.
Deep breaths.
Slow and rhythmic.
I knew how to take my mind elsewhere. It was one of the first things I’d learned when the pain became unbearable. I used to cry and beg and fight, but none of that worked. Separate myself from my body and live within the stillness.
But this was different. Now, I sought the pain. I wanted to feel every muscle strain. My flesh tearing apart then burning. To hear my own screams. With each one, it was the release of the past. It was regret. It was for the lies. And when it was over, it brought me back from the hatred and gave me the numbness. But nothing … no amount of pain could make me numb to Deck. My solid was also my greatest flaw.
I pulled my shirt over my head, folded it neatly and placed it in front of me. I felt the subtle change in air, heard his quiet steps as he moved toward me.
He never asked if I wanted to change my mind.
He never asked if I was sure.
He did what I asked him.
I didn’t know his past, but I saw it lingering in the depths of his eyes—the bleak darkness.
He found me when I was lost. Brought me back from the pit of fear and desolation.
He showed me how to survive. To bury the fear and replace it with strength. The only thing he could never get me to let go of was Deck.
Deck was embedded, carved into my bones. One part of me that wouldn’t be repressed.
A tear slipped from the safety of my eye and trailed down my cheek. I wasn’t embarrassed or tried to hide it. This was why I came here.
