by Dee Bridle
Scrap that.
Nothing made me better.
Medication was meant to help but I refused to take it; no-one liked the person I was when I was off my meds, but I hated the person I became when I was on them.
Will
I unravelled the hand wrap from my hands and shoved it inside my gym locker before wiping my face again with the towel around my neck. I had been relentless tonight and everything now ached.
Everyone, including my sparring partner, had left the gym hours ago, leaving me alone to work out before I went home to pass out with exhaustion. I took my phone out of the locker and checked it for messages. There were a couple from Zac and Noah, but nothing from the one person I wanted to hear from. I had been dealing with her excruciating silence for months.
I called Zac, knowing he would still be up working.
“Hey,” he answered after the first ring.
“Is she safe tonight?” I asked him, sitting down on the bench seat behind me, my body drained of all energy.
“I’m about to ask if she needs a lift, she’s in the city. I’ve got her on the cameras now. She turned her phone on about an hour ago.”
This was a common call from me, needing reassurance in a world that no longer belonged to me. I rubbed my hand over my face, feeling the exhaustion hit me.
“Okay,” I said, ready to end our call.
“You could always just appear and drive her home, you know,” offered Zac.
“She doesn’t even want me breathing near her, Zac. That’s not going to happen.”
“Okay,” he said in resignation.
“See you at the festival,” I said, ending the call.
I threw my phone into the locker and then held my head in my hands.
I missed the fuck out of her. It was as simple as that.
Janey
I continued to walk down the city street, looking up and down for passing taxis. I saw a bus further up the street and wondered if catching one would be an easier option at this time of the morning. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out, seeing a text message from my brother.
Zac: You need me?
I rolled my eyes. I knew my brother meant well and that he was trying to look out for me, but to me, it only proved what a failure I had become. He had spent all of his life looking out for me, trying to save me from all of the bad decisions I had made. I knew he was tracking my movements right now through my phone and he was probably even aware I was walking down this city street. He may even have been seeing me through some CCTV camera. I stuck my finger up and twirled around, just in case he was. My phone vibrated again.
Zac – And good morning to you…
I kept walking. Growing up, he had always been interested in computers. Now he was a highly paid hacker, but no-one was meant to know that.
Zac - Ava is on her way to pick you up
I let out a frustrated sigh. Ava, his girlfriend, was also my best friend and l loved her to bits, but I didn’t need a babysitter. I had been keeping my distance from them all because of it. I wanted to have friends to have fun with, not watch me like I was a toddler playing with knives.
Janey - I don’t need a babysitter
Zac - Ava misses the fuck out of you. She wants to see you and bring you home. Deal with it.
I felt my heart ache a little before I put a stop to it. I missed her terribly too. I missed them all. I wanted to be better for them all but it was too big of an expectation for me to carry and I failed at every turn.
Zac – Your phone has been off for 4 days
I wanted to tell him that I could look after myself, that he didn’t need to track me, but it was pointless. If it hadn’t been for Zac and the boys looking out for me over the years, I probably wouldn’t be standing here right now. I kept my phone off a lot these days; I didn’t want to be tracked by my brother and I wanted to stop the messages I had been getting from an Unknown caller ID. My paranoid self had an inkling of who was sending them, but once they were read, they disappeared from my phone like a self-destructing message. I hadn’t told Zac, I had no proof of them and part of me was a little ashamed that I might even be conjuring them up in my own twisted head. If they disappeared after I had read them, did they even exist in the first place? My phone vibrated again.
Zac – Did you forget about the festival tomorrow? We’re all going. Your ticket is still here, are you in?
I had forgotten actually, but the idea of the festival made me a little excited. We had all been going to the same metal festival for years. It was a long-held tradition amongst us to have a full day and night of metal bands, drinks and fun.
Janey – I’m in
I stopped walking and waited for Ava. I would catch up with their lives and everything I had been missing out on. After all, they were all I had left in this pathetic thing I called life.
I closed my eyes for a moment and felt the crisp morning air breeze over my bare arms and face. I imagined clearing my head, trying my hardest to forget the night I had just had and what could have been. I had made a good decision for once. I breathed in the air, seeking a solace that I was never able to fully grasp.
I heard the car before I saw it; its rumbling engine breaking the morning silence. I could count on one hand how many times Zac had ever let anyone drive his car and seeing Ava in the driver seat coming towards me made me smile. My brother was so ridiculously smitten and the thought that he would always have someone to love him like I knew Ava did made me breathe a little easier for his future. At least one of us had succeeded to get out of the vortex of darkness and despair that had been our lives.
I stepped over to the car as it came to stop at the kerb and climbed in.
“You must be freezing,” greeted Ava, turning up the heat in the car.
“Positively numb,” I replied, as I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. She smelt like vanilla, and I let it linger around me for a minute, soaking up the goodness. “Good to see you.”
“It’s even better to see you,” she said, accelerating off down the street. “So where have you been?”
“Up in a skyrise, at a party, swapping spit with a guy,” I replied, changing the music.
“Anyone we know?” she asked tentatively as we drove past a familiar city building. Will owned a penthouse suite up there and I was still the only one besides him with a key.
“Wrong skyrise,” I returned, leaning my head back on the seat and closing my eyes.
“Can you stop disappearing on me? I fucking miss you. I miss us,” she said next.
Emotion choked at me for a moment before I swallowed it back down and changed the subject.
“So that rock on your finger – you’re definitely not engaged? You didn’t celebrate without me?” I had come home from rehab to a great big shiny rock on her finger and the horrible feeling that I had missed out on something special.
“You think I would do something like that without you?” she asked.
I shrugged. I didn’t know what I thought anymore, that was the problem.
“And do you really think your brother is the engagement type?” she asked with a laugh.
“Nothing would surprise me anymore.”
“He wanted to buy me a present and prove how much he cared. But we all know he didn’t have to do it with jewellery. I told you this when I spoke to you in rehab. I don’t lie, Janey.”
I nodded and looked out the window. Subject change time.
“So how’s Noah & Ivy?” I asked. I don’t think I had seen Noah this content and it warmed my heart that my brother from another mother was happy.
“Totally loved-up. Will is still staying with them.”
“Oh,” I said trying to feign disinterest.
“Yeah, it’s working out well for them all actually.”
“Good,” I said, seeing that we were near our house.
“Will really misses you Janey. He’s so unhappy without you.”
“So how long do you think Noah and Ivy will take to get
engaged?” I asked, swiftly changing the subject again.
“I’ll let the whole changing the subject thing slide for the moment as the sun hasn’t even fully risen yet and I haven’t had a coffee,” said Ava as she drove up to the house. “But just know this; I am fully aware of your apparent need to not discuss Will. I still have no idea as to why but I will find out. You’re my best friend Janey, and it hurts that you’re shutting me out.”
“Fine. What about if I say Will deserves better?”
She shrugged as she turned the engine off and said, “Then I call bullshit. You were it for him. We all saw it with our own eyes.”
“That was then. Things have changed,” I said, deliberately focusing on my hands in my lap instead of on her.
“But what has changed? You went to rehab and decided that Will was not for you! He even went to visit you and was told to leave,” she said raising her voice.
I knew she was angry with me. I knew that they all were and it was one of the many reasons as to why I was keeping my distance.
“Just leave it alone,” I snapped, climbing out of the car and slamming the door closed.
She followed me to the front door as I stopped and realised I didn’t have my key. Where the hell had I lost that?
“Just tell me one thing,” said Ava softly behind me.
“I’ve lost my key,” I mumbled as I felt inside each pocket, focusing on it to deflect what I knew was coming.
“Are you happier without him?”
I closed my eyes for a moment, letting the question wash over me. It hurt to think about it, let alone answer it. Of course I wasn’t. The front door opened, saving me from answering the obvious question. Zac stood there, shirtless, eating an apple.
“Morning,” he said with his mouth full.
“I used to know you when you snacked on the blood of mere mortals,” I said walking past him into the warm house. “Now it’s apples.”
“I used to know you when you actually lived in your own house,” he returned.
I rolled my eyes as I headed into the kitchen, suddenly starving. I heard the kiss of lips and then more apple biting as I opened the fridge. Lots of food stared back at me but I was suddenly at a loss of what to think, let alone eat.
“So where have you been?” asked Zac, taking another bite.
“Around,” I replied. He was fully aware that I had been keeping my phone turned off so he couldn’t track my whereabouts. I had been coming and going for a while now, deliberately keeping my distance and they all knew it. I heard Zac let out a resigned sigh.
“Don’t do this,” I said closing the fridge door harder than I wanted as bottles rattled together inside. “You’re not my parent. I can look after myself. I don’t need your disappointment this early in the morning; I’ve already had a fucking gut full.”
“Fuck, Janey – I’m not trying to be your parent,” said Zac. “You’re my sister and I worry if you’re okay. Is that so fucking hard to understand?”
“You need to stop worrying about me all of the time!”
“Because you’ve got it all together? Is that it? Because from where I’m standing you haven’t got anything together. You’re hell bent on pushing all of us away. You got out of rehab early and the medication you are meant to be taking has sat in your room untouched.”
“Leave it alone Zac,” I growled.
“Fine,” he snapped, before storming out of the kitchen.
I glanced up at Ava to see her watching him head upstairs with sadness in her eyes. Once again, I was the reason. I grabbed a cigarette from the packet on the bench and stormed outside to light it. I inhaled it sharply and then let the smoke exhale from my lungs as I sat down on the steps outside. It wasn’t long before Ava appeared beside me, passing me a mug of coffee. I took a grateful sip in silence.
“Nothing he says comes from disappointment in you,” she said softly beside me. “It’s only because he loves you. Just like I do. I miss my best friend. I miss having you in my life; I miss the fun and wildness that only you can give me. That’s it. It’s that simple.”
“I miss you too,” I whispered. “It’s just too hard to go back to where I was before, with all of you. I’ve done too much damage.”
Ava’s hand found mine and squeezed it as we both sat there together in silence. I appreciated the gesture, more than I would ever let her know. I finished my cigarette and then took another sip of my coffee, taking a moment in the silence to enjoy just being together.
“So tell me about the guy who was swapping spit with you tonight – was he hot?” she asked.
I smiled and shook my head.
“Maybe, but then he started to dirty talk me and call me ‘baby’, which made me want to vomit,” I said with a shake of my head. “I just know that he would have been a waxer.”
“A waxer?”
“You know, one of those guys who gets everything waxed – balls and crack, the whole shebang.”
Ava choked on her own coffee and started to laugh.
“There is a type. He was it,” I said.
Ava wiped the coffee from her mouth and gave me a warm smile. “See? This is what I miss.”
“You want bad sex stories?”
“I just want your stories,” she said squeezing my hand again.
Chapter Two
Past
Janey
I noticed him within minutes of arriving at the college party that night. It was hard not to when he clearly stood out amongst the polo-wearing guys drinking their watered-down keg beer. He was built like a tower of strength, his muscles packed tightly under a black t-shirt with arms covered in tattoos. I knew of him but had never met him. His name was Will and he was one of my brother’s closest friends. He hadn’t met me as yet and I had no doubt that Zac had been deliberately keeping him away from me, trying to protect me like he always did. The best plans often crumbled, though and we were both now paying the price for the one time he hadn’t been able to protect me. He was fresh out of juvie, having been locked away for beating a sick fuck almost to death. The same sick fuck who had destroyed me and made sure I was emotionally damaged for the rest of my life. Zac didn’t need to protect me from players like Will, who looked like he enjoyed life and only wanted girls to enjoy it with him. He wasn’t a sick fuck deliberately plotting my demise; he didn’t think about hurting me and taking what didn’t belong to him.
As I looked around the party that night, I had to wonder why I had gone to the effort of even coming. I was still so fresh with scars that no-one in their right mind would want to be near me. I was full to the brim with darkness and anger and I wanted to lash out at anyone who came close enough. I watched them all drink, dance and laugh without a care in the world and I despised each and every one of them. I could taste the hatred I had for them on the tip of my tongue and I suddenly had aspirations to cause someone pain, to give them a taste of what I was feeling. I envied their dumb, innocent minds, full of lust and bravado; only thinking about drinking themselves stupid and getting off with each other. They were not weighed down with darkness, their minds never being able to escape the torture. I had suffered from the hands of a sick fuck, who would always be inside my head, stealing my future and taking what sanity I had left in me.
I had been an empty shell for months; living on friends’ floors and couches. I had hidden away while Zac had done his time in juvie and now I just moved from place to place, waiting for the sick fucker to be found. Zac was doing everything he could to try and find him but it seemed that he had disappeared into thin air. Zac had his hacker abilities that could always get him any information he needed, but this one despicable guy had deluded both of us. He had gone to ground and disappeared, leaving behind my furious brother and my lost soul.
Zac would be pissed once he realised I was here tonight; he knew I wasn’t right. He knew I hid my insecurities with an arrogance that wasn’t real. Loud shout outs amongst the party made me cringe inwardly. The guys pushing past me made me want to turn away
and go home, or shove them back as hard as I could. I felt the anger pressing at my skin, making it hard to keep up a calm exterior. I was no longer stable and knew my whole life was unravelling before me. I saw his face wherever I went, watching me, planning his next move to finish me. Alcohol helped. So did drugs. I had to rejoice with any substance that made me numb and in turn made me forget, just for a while. But there was always the comedown; the reality, knowing I would never be able to forget the step-brother that had moved in to our house one fateful day with a smile on his face and a twisted darkness behind his eyes.
The guy currently beside me had latched on to me the moment I had walked into the party and it was obvious that he hoped to get lucky that night . He had passed me a beer and I took a sip wondering if he had slipped drugs into it. Part of me hoped he had, so I could black out for a while.
“So are you a freshman?” asked the unlucky guy beside me.
“No, I’m your worst nightmare,” I said into my beer cup.
He leaned in further and asked, “What was that?”
“Do I look like a freshman to you?” I asked taking another gulp of beer.
“No, it’s just I haven’t seen you around here before.”
Instead of continuing the boring conversation, I threw back the rest of the beer and looked around the party again. My eyes went back to Will and this time collided with his own. He now seemed to be intently watching me from across the party.
I stared back at him, almost defiantly, daring him to look away.
He didn’t.
